Childless Not by Choice and Severely Depressed

I feel like I just can't catch a break in this life.
I joined this forum years ago when I was single and lonely. I finally met someone but it hasn't been the fairytale by any means. We've had nothing but challenges. Shortly after we met my now husband (boyfriend at the time) lost his job and was out of work for two years. This put a great deal of stress (financial and other) on our relationship. Then he became disabled. Finally got his health back, got a job and we were finally able to get married (first marriage for both of us). We started trying to get pregnant right away. I didn't grow up in a great family so all I ever wanted was to have a family of my own someday. Well now I've found out that's not going to happen either. Even if IVF were an option, we couldn't afford it, but per my doctors that is not even an option anymore. I can't have kids now. I basically have no eggs left. It's been another extremely emotional year for me because of this and really there is nobobdy to talk to about it. Friends with kids will say "just be glad you have the freedom without kids to do whatever you want when you want" or "at least you don't have to deal with <insert child problem here>" or "you would have ended up with a special needs child at your age" while others will say things like "children are a blessing from God and not everyone is meant to have kids" which only implies that God hates me or that we are being punished (as if I don't already feel that deep down anyway) or "you're too old to have kids anyway." Even the infertility specialists I saw were pretty insensitive about the whole thing, treating me like I was pathetic for even trying at my age, insensitive to my feelings and treating me as a source of income for them versus a human being dealing with a crisis. Nobody seems to get that this feels like a death to me and I have no idea how I'll ever get past this. Bottom line is people are very insensitive unless they have walked in your shoes they have no way of understanding. I have friends who don't have kids by choice, so that's ok. They enjoy the freedom that comes with being childless. Mine is not by choice. It has made me feel so hopeless about my future. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't feel like my life has any purpose. It has added stress to my marriage so we are having problems too. It makes me wonder why I even got married. Part of me blames my husband due to his circumstances that prevented us from marrying earlier and possibly having had a better chance. We didn't want to get pregnant before we got married because mainly we didn't have the money to have a child then due to his loss of job and short term disability. I'm really devastated by this. You spend your whole life trying not to get pregnant and now that you are in a place where you are ready to have a child you find out that you can't and it's so hard to accept. Yes, I could have gotten pregnant maybe when I was younger if I didn't care who the father was, but I wanted to wait until I met the right person, and I can't help it if I didn't get married until I was older. It wasn't by choice either. I wasn't "holding off" due to career or other choices, I just hadn't met the right person (so those people who say things like "well you shouldn't have waited so long" just don't get it). I have never even been pregnant. Every time I see a pregnant person or an ultrasound photo I get tears in my eyes as it's a reminder of what I'll never get to experience. I hate the holidays now. They just remind me that I have no family or children to celebrate with and make me depressed. I hate people asking me if I have kids or how many kids I have. I feel so angry and irritable and cry constantly. The only "baby" I ever had was my pet who just died after 19 years in my life. Every holiday revolves around kids and family and I don't have one and never will. Mother's Day and Halloween and Christmas especially. There's no point to these holidays for me. I don't have tons of friends or other family to help ease the pain. We don't "go out" so it's not like my life feels socially fulfilled anyway as a distraction. I have lost all desire to live. What's the point when I feel like I have nothing to live for and will be alone the rest of my life. I imagine myself in a nursing home one day with no visitors. It's so depressing and makes me feel so hopeless about my future. This is a very lonely battle because nobody can understand so I have nobody to talk to about this. I tried opening up to my mom just a little bit bout my pain of not being able to have children and her response was "stop feeling sorry for yourself." So yeah, that's my support. I just feel I have nothing to look forward to and don't enjoy anything anymore and don't want to go on and don't know how I will ever move past this feeling

what about adoption?

financially this is also a challenge but I've also had a friend who went thru the adoption process and has had a lot of problems with the process and it's caused a great deal of emotional distress for two years. I know it sounds terrible but it is the fact that we can't have biological children between us that is really hard to accept which for some people may not be such a big deal but it's truly heartbreaking for us.

I don't know how old you are, but in my experience doctors don't take kindly to older women and pregnancy. I was pregnant with my third child at the age of 41, a baby I so sadly lost, but the doctors I saw were anything but supportive. They kept saying, 'Well, at your age...'

I couldn't help but think in my mind, compare how people treat an older man who fathers a child as opposed to an older woman who is pregnant. For an older man it's a slap on the back and a 'Good goin', Pops! You still got it!' - whereas for a woman it's a snarky look and nasty attitude.

Anyway, I'm so sorry that you've never had children. Are you in your 30's? 40's? Is the problem an inability to conceive?

A lot of people say a lot of stupid, thoughtless things, even with good intention. I know it's very difficult, but maybe you can work on not personalizing what people say as taking it all in will only deepen your depression.

I'm so sorry you had those things said to you - thank you for writing this, I personally will never say any of those things thoughtlessly but with misplaced good intention after reading this.

You sound like you are going through grief and loss, is there any way you can get counselling to help you through this?

Hi, sweetie. My sis couldn't have children, so I can say she's had some of the same symptoms. Children are nice, but they do create more problems, plus are expensive. I was happy without and with children. People do associate children and Christmas too much.

I'm so sorry mean things have been said to you.

Have you considered fostering a child?

Or even babysitting? That way you can enjoy children and then send them home, like grandparents can do.

I waited too long to have a child and am now 55 and single.
In my case, I could have children but it was never the right circumstances. I can relate to how you feel.

I'm in my 40s

Have you considered an egg donor and/or surrogacy? It may be expensive, but its nothing compared to the cost of a child anyways. And if its what you want, then I'd say its worth it.

I can't understand how you feel but I won't tell you any nonsense about what you should be feeling.

There MUST be doctors out there.... In fact I know there are, as a relative was a "hopeless" case until she found a doctor who told her he was confident he could help. He did but in all honesty she had to see many doctors first.

Hugs to you. I wish I had more to offer.

I know how you feel,I feel like that too. It's just terrible the things women with kids say to you. I now avoid social gatherings where you get asked how many kids do you have and you say none, then they reply oh you must be one of those career women. I have a high pressure career I loathe that I took up to support myself because no man asked me to marry him and bear his kids. My parents are divorced and my mother instilled a great fear of pregnancy and not having enough money after your husband leaves (my father ran off and married another woman when I was 4). By the time I figured out that was my Mum's experience and would not be mine I was in mid 30s and trying hard to meet the right guy. Now I am 48. Women with kids need to understand how awful it feels to have missed that opportunity in life, not everyone is loved by a man who wants to marry and have kids before it is too late and not everyone chooses to become a single mum. So please have some compassion we are not career women by choice, we would love to have had your options. I will toast a drink to you tonight, wherever you are, the writer of this post, and send you good thoughts, you are not alone.

I have no children, but by choice. Still, I empathize a lot with your situation. I'm about your age, my husband and I married in our late 30s and we've been through a lot. My work history has been pretty unstable in the last few years, causing us to not be able to meet financial goals we have and he has suffered from extreme work stress. All of this has really strained our relationship at times.

Sadly, people can be really insensitive with their comments. In the end, I think whatever women do with regards to having children gets judged - you're too young, you're too old, you have too many kids, if you have one you are depriving them of a sibling, if you have none you must hate children or been too picky finding a mate. It never stops.

I have several friends in their 40s who always wanted to be mothers but couldn't due to different reasons ranging from health to not meeting the right guy when they were younger. They all felt similarly to you at first, very hopeless and sad because something they dreamed of couldn't happen. In retrospect, 3-5 years out, they all have come to terms with it in their own ways. It's not that they never have a sad thought about it, but it doesn't rule their life. They have found other pursuits to give their life meaning. One went to therapy for several months while she was dealing with accepting it, and she said it helped.

I know I have seen some fourms and similar online resources for women that are childless but not by choice. You may want to seek some of those out for support.

I totally understand being childless. I'm 43 almost 44 and have been married for 13 years. We tried to have children but because of my weight and my health couldn't. I feel so useless most times as a woman. We are supposed to have kids but the word failure keeps coming into play for me. Yes I'm a proud auntie but still...just wanted to say you aren't alone

(((( lostandlonely ))))

I am sorry that you're feeling so alone. You have every right to feel down and a bit resentful. It isn't fun to feel that way, of course, but you certainly have valid reasons. The majority of women want to have children at some time in their lives. A lot of us have *always* planned on having children someday. When that time is taken away from us, we're devastated!

My (now ex) husband and I struggled quite a bit with my fertility when I was in my late 20's. I had a couple of surgeries (two minor & one major), to try easing my physical misery for a bit. I finally got very lucky and was able to keep moving forward ~ so I certainly cannot fully appreciate the level of pain that you're going through.... but I do understand where you're coming from.

A very helpful and supportive website to me has been: http://www.hyster-sister.com Lots of reproductive issues are covered. You may want to check it out sometime.

Have you looked into local therapists that specialize in women's issues? Or, are you considering trying out some marital counseling? Both may be very helpful to you, just at different times??

You are in my thoughts. Very gentle hugs sent your way!

thanks but I've seen more than one doctor. It's just biology. My reproductive door has closed and there's no turning back. I'm grieving the reality that I will never have children of my own. Everyone says I can adopt, foster, egg donor, surrogacy etc. and those are all kind of people to offer, but the heartbreak I feel is not having a child of my own with my husband. There's a real grief with that whether or not we decide to foster or adopt, which we haven't decided yet.Thanks for your kind words.

Nothing against those who choose egg donor but it's not for us. Yes, I realize having children is expensive but most people don't have upfront costs of over $30-50K just to try and get pregnant. Over time you can save for raising children etc but we don't have that kind of money to try for a possibility of maybe getting pregnant. Often times it doesn't work and egg donor is just not for us. The reality is that even though we might consider adoption and fostering it doesn't take away from the real grief and loss of not being able to have a child of our own between us. I'd be lying if I acted like this isn't truly heartbreaking because once you realize a door has been closed that can never be re-opened (my reproductive abilities) it's a real loss. Whether it's due to age or other reasons, I would think that most women who want children of their own only to find out that there is no way she can is going to hurt, some more than others. I am severely depressed by this and the holidays aren't helping. Seeing things like "baby's first Christmas" when I thought a year ago I would be celebrating a first Christmas with a baby of our own are like daggers to my heart.

thank you. As depressed as I'm feeling, yes I think I need to see someone on a professional level to deal with this.

I work with children but it's not the same as being able to have one of your own with the right partner that you love. I just think until you've never had children and can't have children it's hard to relate. My friends with kids cannot relate to my pain. It's not that their intentions are bad, you just don't know what you don't have until you realize you can never have it. I don't think I ever could anticipate how much this would spiral me into a deep depression but once I found out from doctors that there is no way I will ever be able to have a child of my own and that door is permanently closed it I feel like a part of me has died.

thank you for understanding my pain, as clearly you can relate. I am sorry for your pain as well. The holidays are the worst. Everywhere I look it reminds me of what I missed. People say "just adopt" but it's not that simple. It's not that I'm against adoption but when you are told there is no way you can have a child of your own with someone that you love it's heart shattering. You can't relate until you've been there. Yes, looking back, I could have gotten pregnant if it didn't matter to me by whom, or been a single mom, but I didn't think I was asking for too much just by wanting to find the right person before marriage and have a baby once I was married. It wasn't by my choice that this person didn't show up in my life until much later and unfortunately it took too many years for that to happen and science and biology don't wait. Part of me hates myself like I somehow royally screwed my life up because what was wrong with me that I couldn't find the right guy sooner, but then when we met his life took a turn to where we weren't in a place to have kids. It's like the universe or God of whatever just didn't want me to have kids (at least that's how it feels) which makes me feel worse like I'ma bad person even though I love kids.

Thank you and I agree. I too have a friend who doesn't have children by choice and yes people assume she doesn't like children (which isn't true at all) because it's so "unnatural" for a woman to not want kids. People judge no matter what and it's just unfair. Judged if you are too young, too old etc. Life just happens I guess and it's about finding a way to accept it, which I can't seem to do. I do need to find some professional help because I'm tired of crying every day bout this

Thanks, and yes I'm an auntie too but hardly ever see my nephews and nieces. My brothers who have children don't seem to get how I feel.

I'm lucky. My brother and sister in law get how I feel. I'm godmother to my 2 nieces. Also my newest niece has my name as her middle name. I also try and see them once a month. I know they love me just like I love them

I'm sorry, that sounds so difficult. I'd also suggest fostering a child, which could lead to an adoption. One of my friends has 4 children, and 3 of them were foster children who they ended up adopting (2 were sisters who they adopted at the same time). It's a much less expensive option than private or international adoption. Assuming that's something you'd consider.

I'd also suggest therapy, for you individually and/or for you and H as a couple, to help you deal with the difficulties you've faced so far.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been in the depths of despair about this too (years ago) --- it was a long grieving process for me. We were never able to have children. I joined an on-line support group where I rec'd support from others who "got it" and then I was able to support other women who were reeling from the realization they couldn't have biological children. Anyhow, that really helped me; being able to feel understood and then being able to help others.

All I can say is that it was a lengthy grieving process - hard grief for 3-4 years and then it eased. It's not like typical grief - grieving the loss of someone you had - this is grieving something that never was. I found it different. I let myself feel all the things I'd miss. I spent time each day doing "the work" of grief, so it didn't overwhelm my entire day. It's truly hard work.

It may be a challenge for you to understand this right now (I know i couldn't have understood it when i was in deep despair), but I have finally come to a "place" where I'm actually happy I didn't have kids. We are more financially secure and have more freedom.

I've learned that not everyone has children. My view was "off" and now I realize I'm not alone. Hugs to you. I know this is hard.