I want to be sterilized

Hi everyone!

I'm posting because I just want to see if anyone else feels the same way I do. I warn you now that this is probably going to be extremely controversial, so turn back if you don't want to see it.

My entire life I've disliked children, from when I was a child through now (19). Children themselves disgust me on such an intense level that I honestly can't describe it. The idea of pregnancy also horrifies me, I don't want a parasite feeding off of my body and moving around inside of it. Birth is supposed to be agonizingly painful, and I don't want to be held down by such a commitment.

I feel that even if I didn't mind pregnancy and children, I'd resent the child for holding me down. I have absolutely zero interest in ever having a child. I'm not trans but I wish I was born male simply because I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin because of my uterus. Thinking about the fact that it's there, and knowing what it does makes my skin crawl. My partner is a trans man, so I have no worries of pregnancy, yet this still bothers me continuously.

I can undergo voluntary surgery since I'm legally an adult. Do I have any chance of even finding a doctor that would do this for me? I've heard so many stories of women being denied because they "will change their mind in a few years". I'm so uncomfortable being fertile, I just want it to be gone so I can feel comfortable for once.

I worked with and was friendly with a woman at one of the companies I worked at years ago and she had quite a list of reasons, similar to your own for wanting her tubes tied in her early 20's. I remember she said that her doctor told her that only after a certain age would they consider it. I'm trying to remember the magic number, 26 comes to mind but it I could be off by a year or two. Has to do with liability on their end. Doesn't hurt to ask and get the facts.

From what I've read most doctors won't even consider anyone below 30. Why can't we just sign some sort of contract so that they aren't able to be held liable? I've never understood that. I'll probably be asking my doctor anyway though, thanks.

I've never heard of a gynecologist who will do a hysterectomy on anyone without medical reason. There are valid reasons why we have the parts we have - besides pregnancy. For example, cardiac health has to do with estrogen production, which has to do with having an intact uterus.

As far as tubal ligation, though...seems you could ask your doctor about that. I'm just not sure.

I was talking about tubal litigation, I wasn't very clear on that, sorry. I'd feel ok having my uterus so long as I couldn't conceive. I'd prefer it gone, but I know that really isn't an option unless medically necessary because of those complications. A few women in my family have had reproductive cancers, so who knows.

I'm going to ask next time I'm in I think, but I don't think they'll listen to me, much less actually allow me, because I'm only 19. Apparently I'm old enough to make the permanent decision to go die for the country, but not to make the permanent decision to decide what to do with an organ in my body.

I feel similarly to your thoughts on gender, not being respected, and bearing children. I also want my tubes tied. So many injustices when you are a woman.

I could have written that first post (aside from being married to a cis dude in my case and therefore having fears of accidental pregnancy ruining my ability to fully enjoy sex). I'm very fortunate that I found an awesome female GYN who had absolutely no qualms about tying my tubes as soon as I made my feelings clear. I got my tubes tied four years ago this month! Definitely one of the best decisions I ever made. I feel much more like my true self now.

Edited to add that I was 33 at the time.

I know one person in the same boat who was able to get her tubes tied at 23...but I think she had a lot of other health issues too, which probably helped motivate the doctors to agree when they might not have otherwise. At 19, I imagine it would be a real challenge, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't ask. If your doc refuses, ask for a referral to someone who may be more amenable. Just bear in mind that the likelihood of anyone agreeing to a tubal at this point in time is very slim. (If you're looking for a highly effective birth control method in the meantime - much better than the pill, IMO! - you can also ask about getting an IUD. Yes, there are scary stories out there about how uncomfortable the insertion is, but I have a low pain threshold and mine was still a piece of cake.)

Best of luck to you. And feel free to send me a message if you ever just want to talk to someone else with the same perspective.

I'm lucky with the fact my boyfriend isn't cis, I feel for you on that. I'm happy for you, and also super jealous!!

I'm definitely going to go about asking, even if my doctor doesn't like it. My insurance is changing soon so I may have to switch doctors anyway. I've had to take birth control for at least three years now because my periods would cause me such intense pain I wouldn't be able to leave bed, and I was in and out of the bathroom every couple hours having SOAKED a heavy flow pad. I've also had ovarian cysts (as well as ruptured ones, fun), but I don't think either of those things could convince them, because of course I'll want kids later, since obviously I can't make my own decisions.

I'm fine with what the pill does in terms of birth control, my issue is I just don't want to be fertile at all. It makes me extremely uncomfortable even though I'm not having sex with cis men. Not too concerned about the pain, I've passed a kidney stone before and I'm sure it can't be worse than that lmao

Thank you! And I may sometime, feel free to add me if you like. I can't right now since I'm on mobile but I'll get to it later.

I felt the same way at your age about having children, and now at 46 I can say I never had children and have no regrets. I married someone who didn't want them either.

In my case, I hate everything to do with hospitals and surgery, so I never pursued sterilization seriously, choosing to be vigilant about contraception. However, I do understand why you'd want to. There are some message boards for childfree people that discuss getting sterilized. You may want to search for them. I have even seen a few recommendations of doctors that have been willing to do a tubal for younger women without children. Some women have been successful. I guess you just have to be persistent.

I'm so glad you commented. The few people I've met in my life that felt the same way were around my age, so it's nice to see someone older have the same feelings, and no regrets. I wish more people understood that not everyone wants them. I'll look into those forums, and try to find a doctor. I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my own body.

^ ^ I'm glad my comment was useful. When I was younger I always got a lot of comments that I would change my mind, I'd regret it, etc. I had a boyfriend break up with me when he finally realized I was serious about not having kids. He was biding his time hoping I'd change my mind. When we broke up, a few people asked why I wouldn't "compromise" and have one kid! Another friend who did regret not having kids kept telling me to freeze my eggs. Fortuntely, by now, most people realize I am serious, although I get the occasional comment since I look younger than I am.

These days I have several friends that don't have children by choice either who are very understanding of my choices, so that is helpful.

If anything, these days I am even more sure in my decision. My husband and I went through a rough few years recently, mainly financial and job stress. Things are better now, but it was very stressful for a while. I think if we had kids while going through all that, it would have been even more difficult, especially from a financial aspect.

Funny you say that, as my ex boyfriend asked about my feelings about kids once, and pretty much immediately broke up with me when I voiced my feelings. (Also we were 17 at the time, like wtf??) There's no compromising when it comes to your body and comfort.

I have a few as well, and it really does help.

See, even if I wanted kids that's something I would worry about. A child shouldn't be forced to worry about their family's financial situation. I commend you for being responsible in that aspect, unlike so many other people.

On a similar note, even if I did want kids, I feel it would be cruel of me to have them. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety, as well as numerous chronic health issues. It's not a quality of life I could pass onto someone with a clear conscience. I love my parents, but I'm very bitter that they chose to have me, knowing that they would pass these problems on. I've suffered because of it.

It's good to know I'm not the only one who doesn't want to have children. I'm 24 and when someone asked me about my age, they were kinda shocked and she said "oh, I thought you're suppose to have a family". If I had a partner then yes I'd have a kid. My mum kinda pressurizes me. She'd like to be a nanny and it really gets me down. The option I'd go for is sperm donation but it costs a lot. No one wants me so I shouldn't really focus on relationships. With the depression and anxiety, I don't think it wouldn't be fair on you and your child. I hope everything goes okay for you. Sorry about my rambling.

Vilatus - wow at 17 the guy was already that worried about having kids?!? It's interesting, the stereotype always seems to be that it's baby-crazed women pressuring men into having kids, but I've come across many men that are baby-crazed too. I guess it's easy in a way when you don't have to be pregnant, suffer post-partum depression and body changes, breastfeed, etc. Plus mothers always seem to be judged more than fathers.

Even if I wanted kids, there is no way I would have wanted them in my 20s. To me that was time to get to know myself, grow into adulthood, have some fun, not to be tied down taking care of a baby. I have several younger cousins who at 25 have 2-3 kids. There is no way I would have wanted that sort of life.

The financial thing is a big issue too. I have had some ups and downs career-wise, so I have never really felt that I could economically have a child if I wanted one. I wouldn't be able to save money for a house, retirement, etc.

We know a couple where he had a good banking job and she stayed home with the two kids. One is autistic, so for her to work outside the home would be tough. They can't leave him with a babysitter, even; he runs away. Anyways, the husband lost his job and was long-term unemployed. He had a side-business that brought in some money, but not nearly enough. They pretty much depleted their savings and were starting to get into debt before he finally found something. Employment insecurity these days means that even if you think you are financially stable, there are no guarantees it will last.

Wishing you all the best

Interesting. Do you think your bitterness towards your parents is the root cause of your dislike for children and having children? You may find your mind changed about having children, if you explore what caused you to feel and believe that. That may be something to explore with a therapist.

Good question - although I hope you're not implying that disliking and/or not wanting children is something that needs to be "fixed." (Which in turn implies that parenthood is the only natural legitimate choice, compared to the alternative, and that everyone "should" want to become a parent.)

Personally, I think a distinction should be made between disliking children and not wanting them. The former is often a reason for the latter, but plenty of people who know that parenthood isn't something they want out of life still like kids just fine. For instance, several of my childfree friends are teachers. Not a profession they would be drawn to if they disliked children. They genuinely love the kids they teach - they just wouldn't want to be around kids 24/7.

Me? I just plain don't like kids in general. I didn't even like them back when I was a kid myself! I can't deal with the noise and the rambunctiousness (screaming babies and whiny toddlers send my anxiety through the roof!), and my personality type requires complete independence and near-constant solitude, or else I feel suffocated.

And yes, I too come from a family with a lot of hereditary illnesses. I can't legitimately be resentful toward my parents for this because they honestly didn't know about any of it when they conceived me. But here's the thing: even if I came from a genetically perfect lineage (not that such a thing even exists), that wouldn't change the fact that I find children in general obnoxious and can't stomach the idea of carrying, bearing, raising, or even living with them.

Can't speak for the OP, but that's my take on the question. My therapist asked me the same thing a while back and this is how I replied. She could dig it.

Not at all. I've disliked children since I was an older child, before most of my health issues became so bad. I've always had a distaste for babies and young children. And no thanks, I don't want to change my mind. I have absolutely no interest.

Thank you for that. I really hope they aren't implying that either, otherwise I'm kind of disgusted lmao

I'm pretty much exactly the same with your view on children. I can't handle the noise, the energy level, and though I'm not a germaphobe, I can't handle the messes. I also am very introverted in the same way, where I can't handle much social time without feeling suffocated.

I love my parents, truly, but they did know about the possibility of the illnesses being passed on, and for that I do resent them. I often wish I hadn't been born honestly, but that's for another thread. Once again, I entirely agree. Even if I was from a perfectly healthy bloodline, I wouldn't want a child. I can't take the responsibility or just the general behavior of children.

I'm not going to say anything to change your mind. I'll simply comment on my experiences.

A lot can happen in ten or fifteen years. At 18, halfway through the semester, I was hospitalized on an involuntary 5150 hold and came out a zombie. I was not expected to graduate, and my dad cried when I held up my diploma for the whole world to see. I went to the JC, tried out three careers that wasn't for me...decided to work instead of going to school...went through almost a dozen different jobs where each was worse than before, and it wasn't until last April when I found my calling, now I know this is a life-time career, and after all those years of write-ups and firings, I've gone almost 8 months with nothing but praise. My clients beg me to sign up for more shifts with them, my work blows up my phone with new offers, my bosses praise me and praise me and now I have gone from the worst employee in the world to the most valued and most respected employee. I have never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but I explored my sexuality, nad in those few years I've learned I have no orientation, and sometimes, even now at 25 I still question my gender. I want to love and be loved, but at the same time, marriage to me is not a priority, although yes, I do want to get married someday. I've lost friends I've known for over 10 years, but met some wonderful people I cherish dearly. Last month, right when I was discussing moving out for the first time, my house caught on fire and I lost everything. I almost lost my cats...I received a phone call that my cat Evy was dead. It wasn't until a week later that when I went to the rubble of my house and she hopped out of my bedroom window. I rescued them and brought them to two different foster moms who are taking great care of them. I now live in a house with three families. It takes a lot of adjusting, and soon, I'll be moving to a new home.

But what does this have anything to do with having children and tube tying? You have NO idea what your future holds for you. You don't know who you'll meet, what you'll experience, the jobs you hold, the friends you make, the people you date, the catastrophes and the joys. My life changed dramatically, several times, within 6 years. I am not the person I was when I was 18, and I wasn't the person I was at 18 then I was at 17. Life changes. Life is beautiful and scary and exciting. But YOU will change too. You won't be the same person you are at 19 then you will be at 25. I'm not here to tell you to do anything, you and I are two different people at two different periods in our lives. But I do have to say, don't rush into anything permanent. I have a permanent cover up tattoo that I must live with, and it's embarrassing I made a mistake and regret rushing into something without giving it a full thought...but at least with tattoos...cover ups are still fixable.

That's understandable. I typically don't like the word selfish (because it's so often misused), but I don't know how else to describe people who let their desire for parenthood supersede the well-being of their hypothetical children.

Honestly, I wish more young people asked themselves these questions before deciding whether or not to procreate. And I wish more would decline to do so because of the risk of hereditary illnesses. I've been called a "Nazi" for expressing this opinion, but whatever. I just don't want to see anyone suffer needlessly - especially if that suffering is preventable to begin with.

But that's a rant for another day and thread!

I'm glad my response was helpful to you.

Good point. Not just this, but everything you mentioned in your post.

I did want to point out, though, that tubal ligations (and vasectomies) ARE reversible most of the time if the person changes their mind.

Not to mention that the OP could potentially foster/adopt a child if she did get sterilized and later changed her mind. That's what I would do if I liked children but didn't want to have any biologically.

I agree with their post. Of course I've changed a lot in my life, and even in the past couple years I've changed drastically. This however, is something that has never changed.

Adoption is exactly the route I would go for if for whatever reason I decided that I wanted a child. I don't want to pass on my genes, I would feel beyond selfish.

Another thing, I choose not to sterilize because I am not sure I am okay with adopting. I heard those with mental illness have difficulty in adopting.

Also, genes are just factors, not an absolute. My grandmother, who has bipolar, had my dad and my aunt and neither have any form of mental illness. On my mother's side, many of my relatives are alcoholics and addicts, but no one in my immediate family are alcoholics or addicts. My brother has no form of mental illness. I see my mental illness as a beautiful thing, it makes me unique and although it is hard at times to manage, I do manage and I do consider myself a survivor, and if I were to pass on my bipolar, it would not be the end of the world. Life's too short to deny miracles.

I've never heard of that, at all.

I'm just going to be flat out honest, I think that's extremely selfish of you that you think passing on your bipolar is ok. As someone who's suffered from it, you should know the absolute hell a mental illness is. Its often not a quality life, and you'd willingly force that onto to someone. Sure it's not absolute that it would happen, but if it did it has the potential to ruin a life. Also in my opinion, there is nothing beautiful about a mental illness. Mental illness is agony. You are unique and beautiful as a whole, not because of your illness... I apologize if I offend you, but that is something I protest to the fullest.

Either way, no kids for me lmao, they aren't miracles, they're biology.