[Raynaadi]

Hello Ladies. It's been awhile since I've been here. I think I've run into a lot of members in other forums since I've been back, but in case I haven't, I went blind eighth months ago and now I'm back with a talking computer, so please don't mind the typos as I haven't found backspace LOL.

A lot of you helped a lot in the past with issues I had with bf etc. Two months before I went blind we moved in together. What a blessing that I don't have to live alone though this, however I know I'd be ok if I did. Many of you remember the start of my relationship and some of the struggles I had. Our relationship is wonderful even with its ups and downs, and we've had plenty these last eight months. I went blind, then had to put my cat to sleep, my aunt died, and we found out bf's mom has breast cancer. Our relationship has grown stronger through all this.

My issue now is sex. Actually sex awas an issue a year ago too, and has not improved. I posted about this back then. He just lost interest...and new year's last eyear he had an erection issue for the first time in our relationship, and the anxiety from that has only gotten worse. We haven't tried since before I went blind. I've worked on this a lot in therapy because when I first went blind I felt so increidbly useless and craved sex and intimacy. I've since learned that intimacy is about so much more than sex, and told him that I used to be able to see that he leloved me me by the way he looked at me, and now I need more touch, which he does.

But sex....girls how do I quit obsessing about this? We've talkeda about it and he's told me that sex is not on his list of priorities, that he's going through a midlife crisis, doesn't know if he wants to stay in his line of work which he's working on a masters degree in, he's worried about mom and about me so he just doesn't think about sex. I don't want to be selfish and bring it up again but....I just turned thirty and I know that our sex drive increases at thirty....

I've been listening to Dr. Laura a lot the last few months and she's helped me a lot in my relationship even though she wouldn't approve, she was would call us a "shack up couple" since we're not yet married. I don't agree but she still helps. Today a woman called in talking about how her husband has lost interest in sex because he's going through some pretty bad stuff. I won't go into details because I can't put a trigger icon on, but its much worse than what we're going through. Anyway, Dr. Laura sayd that this woman's need to "get some" were not important right now...that she needs to love and support her husband through this. I totally agree and want to do the same with my bf, its just DRIVING ME CRAZY. So I wanted to come down here and get this out and get reaquainted with the women of PC.

Any suggestions? Anyone been through this with their men?

Hugs,
Rayna

[bebop]

hi honey. yes I am in the same situation basically. although we do have sex more often than that but it to me is so much more than sex. I miss the intimacy. touch is so much more important! sex is just a bonus if you ask me. Hopefully in your case once he gets this stuff worked out it will improve for you both. I am here anytime you need to talk about it.

[Raynaadi]

Thanks Bee. Why is it that on tv and books its always the men who are crazy about sex and the women who don't want it? Thought my situation was unique for a long time lol.

[bebop]

oh no sweetie! there are many here on this board that are going thru the same as me and you! I too thought for a long time it was just me. after awhile though you just don't think about it as much. I hit my prime when I hit 40! I think I am still kind of in it if I had a willing partner lol. I sound like an old horn dog don't I? lol

[Raynaadi]

I changed the subject so maybe more of those said women would post here haha. Could you change the original subject to attract more of those women? It really helps to know my boyfriend isn't the only one. I spoke with a friend who went through it with an ex. She said when he was approaching forty is when it started for him.

One of my biggest problemsw with it is that I had an ex who was way more into sex than I was. Now I know how he felt...and I struggle with guitlt at making him feel this way. I used to pray for a man who wasn't into sex....careful what you wish for eh? I think bf was relieved last night because new years last year was when his problems started, and last night he was off the hook because I'm on my period lol. I used to feel that way in my past relationships when I was on my period. Though those guys still wanted a bj or something....bf doesn't even want that....I'm SO in love with him that it makes all this even harder....but it is getting easier, I use d to cry at night when I realized it'd be yet another night of nothing...now I get affection and intimacy from him in other ways like when I'm sa sad or in pain he is wondefrful at comforting me.

Thank God for batteries LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

[Liberada]

If you ladies could bottle your libido, I'd gladly pay you for it! A lot!

[Raynaadi]

I so wish I could send you mine, believe me.

Hi Raynnaddi,

Lol your funny,LOL LOL LOL

Oh my .Uh .. Im hardwired for sound that does not end.
Thats enough disclosure for now. Have to go take a cold one.

be back later to brain storm. I have some ideas.

One side hug and

a growper.

Patricia

[Raynaadi]

Ideas are good. My girlsfriends and I have brainstormed quite a bit. Maybe you'll have something new lol.

Originally Posted by Raynaadi

I used to pray for a man who wasn't into sex....careful what you wish for eh? I think bf was relieved last night because new years last year was when his problems started, and last night he was off the hook because I'm on my period lol. I used to feel that way in my past relationships when I was on my period. Though those guys still wanted a bj or something....bf doesn't even want that....I'm SO in love with him that it makes all this even harder....but it is getting easier, I use d to cry at night when I realized it'd be yet another night of nothing...now I get affection and intimacy from him in other ways like when I'm sa sad or in pain he is wondefrful at comforting me.

Thank God for batteries LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Hi Raynaadi,

Im not sure if Levi reads what I've quoted from your post.

Levi is turned up full volume and the door cracked open right? wink wink Just checking .

I see your very grateful for all you have Raynnadi and caring and intimacey and laughter and spending time with one another and holding each other are blessings indeed.

a little recap. You, A woman crazey in love with a high sex drive and your man experiencing erectile dysfunction with a lot of worries and concerns for the women in his life and sexual intercourse has stopped for about eight months. He' s there for you emotionally not sure how physical he is with you.

Well Raynaadi I don't think you should be left crying . It would be my hope that even though your Beau has no intrest for himself right now and is scared and or depressed , that hes just crazey into pleasing you .

You know its kinda like this.

A great chef knows to serve his special guest a good hearty four courses before joining his love for the fifth and final course for the evening. Even if he can't join in for the whip cream .

I've had a number of expereinces in my life time prior to my current hiatus. I have had men not know they were on top of a gold mine. They didn't even ask how I got there . they just assumed all they had to do was hop on. I'd hint around that I could have more than one . The most the genrous ones wanted to give was two.

I never asked for more. Im not greedy . Im one of these silent types that just takes a wait and see stance . One day I hope Im bowled over by someone . Im hoping to find someone crazey into me.

Because I love pleasing a man I love. Nothing gives me more pleasure . I get pleasure out of touching . I wish men could have as many orgasams as women can in such a short amount of time . I would try but they just could not .

I don't know what its like for men with this problem . But geepers they must like to be touched and they must expereince some level of something.

Sex is important for you . Your in your prime and man wow... what a gift for some man to have an orgasmic woman. It doesn't take much energy to lift a finger or use some other device . And he can do it for you . You should not have to do this alone by yourself and cry.

Can you have a talk about this with him?

I've never put much stock into God boxes , Raynaddi , Thats probably why I haven't gotten much of a return. I finnally made one three months ago . I was in the kitchen at the time when I made my decision to try it . My eye landed on a tea pot . so I have several little requests that have been steeping for sometime . I actually opened it up to read a few right before you went on vaction.

Pretty funny reading them . One said .

Thanks for John. I thought who's John?

Another said , Thanks for Charles . Uhhh Uhhh.

another said, oh , I can't share that one , private.

another said , Dear G. I would like to go on a vacation but I don't know where yet. last one was in 1991.

anyway . It occured to me that you could start one. These pieces of prayer and hopes and dreams could just easily not make it into the box Right? a few end up in say a sock drawer inside of a sock of your fella' or his boxer's in his drawer . Roll one up inside an emptied herbal capsule and slip it into his yogurt . One in his hat . saying I have a special surprise for you . and it involves a blindfold. and place a feather with the note. LOL LOL LOL ...

Your sponsor can help you with this...

Okay Raynnadi. You can turn Levi's volume back down now.

Thats all I have to share for now.

lots of hugs

Patricia

[Raynaadi]

I really love your recap lol. You described it so perfectly. I actuallly gdo have a God box....hmmmmm. A frend of mine and her boyfried prayed together before sex the first the first time.That cracked me up and I said I pray TO have sex LOL. You're definitely right, I shouldn't have to do it alone. However I don't even think he's in to ANY kind of intimiacy in that way. I would feel weird asking him to do that when he's not even into it for himself. Thats part of the problem...wanting to please him. I've talked to him about it here and there. Last time we talked about it he ssaid he knew its important and e'd work on it. That was a few months ago. Its gonna be time for me to bring it up again just to see where he's at with it. Didn't want to bring it up before the trip. Now we're back and life is getting back to "normal".

I see TT oops just one T there lol. Anyway, see her today. She has helped me SO MUCH in relation to my self esteem. When I first went blind I felt sooooo useless. I couldn't be here anymore and jPC was such a huge part of my life. And then I could no long er go out with bf on our little dates, couldn't help him relax, couldn't gook dinner etc. T and sponsor and friends have helpeped me see that I haven't lost the part of me that bf feell in love with.

He fell in love with me at meetings. I didn't always look good or sound good in meetings and that wasn't on a social level. He fell in love with me because of my program and my attitudes and my sense of humor etc. I don't kneed to see to hae those qualities.

So anyway, the lack of sex is no longer affecting my self esteem like it was, its just plain old lust now lol. I'd had the blind fold idea before.....maybe it would be cool if we both couldn't see lol. I can't wait to experience blind sex haha. I use a headphone with Levi when bf is home haha. Even though he's sleeping I wouldn't want him to hear this stuff.

The worst part of this was before I had started to deal with it, and I understood why people cheat.....oh that made my heart sick. I'm not a cheater but could sure understand why people do. So glad we've talked about other ways to be "intimate" no involving sex. So that I know in my heart again that he loves me and scherishes me. He takes such amazing care of me in every other way. I know this will be ok some day.....just might rant here when I'm going out of my mind with desire for him LOLOLOL.

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOLLLLLLLL

Patricia here... I can't respond to your post right Now Raynaadi . I need to savor it a bit. LOL!!!!

Im wondering if Levi can repeate quotes. I ask this because I think you missed a quote of mine a week ago so heres a test that may be redundant.

I'm placing a quote beneath this . tell me if you hear any more after the word Stop. ..

Stop

I'd had the blind fold idea before.....maybe it would be cool if we both couldn't see lol.

[Raynaadi]

LOLOLOL its sooooo funny when people type umultiple stuff like LOLs and yayyyyyyyy or ewwwwwwww or soooooooooooooo hahahahahahaha the way he says it cracks me up, so listening to all your LOLs gave me a big laugh.

Anyway, yeah he says quoetes. He reads everything on the screen.....so I have to scroll passed anything printed. It will say Quote and then the quote. For images he just says Image. Kimmy turned off most graphics for me to make it easier to navigate. Everytime I got to a new page he reads ALL the headers.....it makes blips and blurps that I listen to.

So was the blindfold comment what make you laugh? Oh Levis oops Levi also swears tee hee. I really need to find the backspace button........

[salukigirl]

i have found that my bf not being in the mood has happened several more times than me not being in the mood. i used to think that i didnt want sex at all, but i guess it was just the guy i was with. now that im with someone i feel is right for me, i want it all the time! i think his problem now is that he has SAD but doesnt want to admit it. once the daylight cut short he started sleeping constantly and had no enthusiasm for anything (including sex) so hopefully once it starts to clear up well be back in business lol.

[Raynaadi]

Wow you described my past. I used to think I didn't want it either until I got with the right person. Its not s.a.d with us though. Its coming up on 9 months for us. All the seasons there LOL. I hope you have some luck soon.

[Raynaadi]

Ok with all my trying to be understanding through this, I'm feeling really frustrated tonight. There's times where its almost unbearale. My T and I discussed it today and I'm gonna have to bring it up with bf soon.

I don't even know what to say about it right now. It just tends to hit me especially on Saturdays. When we first moved in, that was the night he said was best for him....he chews tobacco so when I hear him get the can I know its out for the night. Not gonna be making out if he's got that in, ya know? So I get resentful when I hear the thwap of the can. Arrrrrg. I wish I was like I used to be, not wanting sex at all, not enjoying it. Unfortunately I want it with him, and enjoy it immensly. Almost 9 months now.....am I nuts for putting up with this? I mean seriously......but ugh he's so great in most other ways. I'm annoyed too because he got an ipod for Christmas so ts all ab out the ipod now and burning all his cd's to it. He kept talking all week about this big paper he had to write this weekend and then I find out today its an easy paper, not even a research paper. So he made this big deal about all the homework so I didn't prepare myself to have the sex talk this weekend. Ugh....T says I'm codependant in some wasys, like never thinking its the "right time" to discuss this stuff.

K, just had to rant. Sigh.

Hi Raynaadi ,

this is a test to see if this end up in the right place. I made new topic with your new title that wasn;t showing up on the main board and linked it , but I think its not working .

LOL LOL LOLLLLL

Raynaadi,

this is a post from Broken65 who posted in a new thread I made because your title change to Female sex drive did not show up on the main board .

sorry for the complication . Life is a journey and if you follow me you'll be in for a Long one....

from Broken 65

HI Sorry to hear about what you are going through. I have been married for 12 wonderful years and like you we have shared many losses and like you we both listen to Dr. Laura. It sounds like you pretty much understand what to do but need some confirmation. I agree you need to love him through this a lot of cuddling and re-assuring I have learned men want to fix things and if they can’t they feel helpless.. Yes this has physically happened to you but he is living it and can’t fix it for you. I truly believe if you continue to support and assure him everything is going to be ok things will happen naturally. The most important thing is communication you both need to talk about what is going on keep the communication open. Maybe if you give him a few things to do to make him feel extra strong a needed I think he needs to know he is being the best MAN he can be. I hope this helps a little bit I’m sure there will be a lot more advice to follow.

I truly wish you both the best and so sorry to hear about your sight.

Hi Raynaaldi ,

Patricia here.

from your post.

I actuallly do have a God box....hmmmmm. A friend of mine and her boyfriend prayed together before sex the first time. That cracked me up and I said I pray TO have sex LOL.

I put in a few prayers for ya in mine . And the pot started to whistle . darn lid was about to pop off. Hummm ummm hummmm.

You know this praying before sex has real potential for BF. For instance, The third step prayer

God, I offer myself to Raynaadi
To build with me and do with me as she wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self
That I may better do her will,
Take away my difficulties
That victory over them may bear witness to those / her I may help
Of her power her love and her way of life
May I do Thy / her will always.

works for me... LOL OLOLLLLL OLLOOOOLLLLLL

your

You're definitely right, I shouldn't have to do it alone. However I don't even think he's in to ANY kind of intimiacy in that way. I would feel weird asking him to do that when he's not even into it for himself. Thats part of the problem...wanting to please him.

You don't think he is. how did you come to that conclusion? Do you know for sure if he would feel weird?

was there any time in your sexuall history where you felt weird and or did not want to do certain things and did that change for you? It did for me . I have gone from scared and gross in the beginning to the complete opposite.

I've talked to him about it here and there. Last time we talked about it he ssaid he knew its important and e'd work on it. That was a few months ago

I 've heard that one befor and been very patient So have you. I also say the same thing of " I'll work on it" to myself . My apartment and getting out there to date . Ive been working on it for two years now .

He can't work on it in isolation . I think its how to approach it that's gonna be where the brainstorming will be helpful. .


you again.

T and sponsor and friends have helped me see that I haven't lost the part of me that bf fell in love with.
He fell in love with me at meetings. I didn't always look good or sound good in meetings and that wasn't on a social level. He fell in love with me because of my program and my attitudes and my sense of humor etc.

and isn't this what's so very important and a real gift. You are a gift to him Raynaadi.

So anyway, the lack of sex is no longer affecting my self esteem like it was, its just plain old lust now lol.

This is a major hurtle you have jumped. I get stuck in this kind of place. The men I was with did not love me though . They did withhold from me and I allowed that until I left. this ..what your adressing here is actually a big fear of mine because Ive been through this more than once . I don't think I could go through it again.

I'd had the blind fold idea before.....maybe it would be cool if we both couldn't see lol. I can't wait to experience blind sex haha.

when I wrote that I forgot you were blind. That's some sort of fantasy that comes to my mind often to try LOL! Not even sure why.

a lot of what we are addressing here is about control. Actually, I was thinking maybe if I blind fold myself and then try to clear and clean my cluttered apartment that might help me .

I tied one on this afternoon .
A scarf .. tied on a scarf...
Boy, talk about scary and not know what to do next.

I use a headphone with Levi when bf is home haha. Even though he's sleeping I wouldn't want him to hear this stuff.

why not? maybe not yet.

you again

. So glad we've talked about other ways to be "intimate" not involving sex. So that I know in my heart again that he loves me and scherishes me. He takes such amazing care of me in every other way. I know this will be ok some day.....just might rant here when I'm going out of my mind with desire for him LOLOLOL

okay since this post you have gotten worked up a bit talking with your therapist and maybe feeling some anger about being co dependant. broken 65 mentioned something about making him feel good about himself. He shared with you about writting the paper .
How about sitting down with him letting him read you the paper out loud to you and rub his feet while he reads and giving good feed back. maybe a tickle fight from there some how . I jus't don't know what you used to do before the problems started Raynaadi . you may just have to be willing to explore more varied techniques. But he has to be willing to do this.

The chewwing tobacco . My last BF was a chewer . He ended up having to have his teeth pulled .

He was also on drugs for absesnce sesuires he had epilepsy. His sex drive was not high at all . I tried my best. anyway ... maybe finding ways to work with massage and other body work .

Maybe having the two of you go to therapy together to address this issue .
The resentment ... you know what to do with that. Maybe role play it out with T so putting him on the defensive does not happen.

lots of huggggggggssssszzzzzeeeeeessssss

Patricia

__________________

[Raynaadi]

Huh? LOL. I've been just getting to my threads from my profile where it lists subscriptions. Should I be looking in the Women's Forum?

Originally Posted by Raynaadi

Huh? LOL. I've been just getting to my threads from my profile where it lists subscriptions. Should I be looking in the Women's Forum?

Hi Raynaadi,

It's Patricia

Your topic title "back down here yoder way" is posted in the womens forum.
When you tried to change the title to " Female sex drive LOL" in order to attract the right traffic it did not change the title on the forum . So I made a new topic with your new title linking it to your down under way. ony I forgot the exact wording. Im not sure you can follow links.

heres a link to the topic I started .

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=87062

if you can't access the link then its titled in the womens forum as

FFemale sex issues LOL !

In trying to be helpful I think I just made things more complicated.

embarassed grin.

Patricia

[Raynaadi]

Lol Oh you didn't make it more complicated. In order for it to have changed in the forum the original post would have to be edited. Only a mod can do that. I can follow links, so I'll check it out. Thank you!!!

[christyv]

Hi Raynaadi,
I know the feeling of being with someone who isn't inimate. It hurts, I don't understand it either. But I do know if a man tell you that sex is not on his list of priorities and he's giving you a long list of things that are you've got to decide if it's worth staying with someone who isn't able to give you everything thing you want and need. Sex isn't a big deal for some people but it is for others. His priorities may never shift back to sex. If the rest of the relationship is good than it will probably be a difficult decision but take him at his word. Sex is not a priority for him.

~Christy

By the way, I like the name raynaadi (randy) meaning horny!! LOL! Best of luck to you!

[prettyjolie]

I can't say that my husband is like that.. we're young.. though i know how you feel a tiny bit. He doesn't seem in the mood lately.. or he just doesnt act like hes attracted to me.. i don't know.
but it sucks!!! It makes you feel unwanted and ugly, doesn't it?
I sure feel that way.
I had a friend, though, whose boyfriend didn't want to have sex ever. And he was like 22 years old at the time. She was very sexual so this was weird to her. I'm not sure what his problem was with sex, but he was not into it. Anyway, I just want you to know you aren't alone, and I'm sorry for what you're going through.

I don't understand though, why men want sex like crazy in their early 20's and teens and women don't usually. And then by the time women get older, they want sex and then men don't. What is up with this? Why can't both men and women want sex around the same age? I bet that's why older women get with younger men.. because older men just aren't into sex as much as younger ones..

weird.

[Raynaadi]

My theory about the age thing is that men start experiencing "performance issues" as young as thirty. That becomes a big issue for them because they feel they can't please their woman. Its silly, what with all the drugs out there now.

Nothing has improved for us. In part because I just haven't said anything. The last time we talked about it I didn't feel any better because of his list of priorities comment. I go through phases where it doesn't bother me as much and I can focus on how great he is in all other areas. But then I go and do something stupid on Monday. I can email his phone so I sent him a sexy type email, just a quick comment about demonstrating something for me that I couldn't see on tv. He replied with "lol". I knew I'd get a response like that. Anytime I do anything flirty or sexy he totally blows it off. I know I need to talk about this again because its gotten me in a total funk this week. But I know the answer I'll get so whats the point? My friend told me I need all the information so I can make an informed decision about how to proceed. IE if its not gonna change, can I live with this. Ugh. This just sucks. With all the crap I'm dealing with and making it through, sex should NOT be one of the things stressing me out. Well, lack there of I should say. Tomorrow will be ten months. Sigh.