Husband doesn't go to work for days/weeks and lies to me about it!

I am at the end of my rope! I'd say just about 90% of the stuff that comes out of H's mouth anymore is made up! I look at his phone when he's not around and I see the continuous texts to his manager as to why he can't come in. Day after day there's something that JUST happened as to why he can't go in. My car broke down and he has to take me in but in the process of doing that his car broke down and he is stranded at the side of the road waiting on a tow truck. He has a doctor's appt at 7AM (even though they don't open until 8AM!) and can't make it in because right after that appt the doctor scheduled him for physical therapy. He went to the wrong building for his appt by mistake and now they put him on the waiting list to see someone so it may be a couple of hours before he can get in. He had to take his daughter back to her mom's because she was pitching a fit about being here and no trains were available so he had to make the 10 hour long trip. Nobody has these occurances day after day! Anybody can see how absolutely absurd they are!

Then about 2 weeks ago he was all excited because he found out he is only 2 classes away from being able to move into another job there. One is just an online class he can finish in a couple of days and the other is an open book test he can take. He told me then that he could have these done by the end of the week. Well he sat and did the booklet for 2 days and then he did nothing with it. I told him to finish it and then he proceeds to tell me that he can't even move to another position until his CAM (Corrective Action Measure) clears up and that won't be until next June! I asked him when he got this CAM and he just blew it off as there was some mix up in the paperwork and he couldn't show that he was out for whatever on whatever day. Well it finally caught up with you huh?! If you get more than 2 CAM's in one year then you get fired. Even with the possibility of getting another CAM with all his BS, he STILL continues not to work! He was out all last week because he apparently can't work when he needs to work on the firepit. He tells me on Thursday that he HAS to go in Friday because there's no way out of it. He's out of days off. I told him "Yeah sure there isn't. How many times have you told me that you HAD to go in because there's NO way to get around it, yet you still don't go in?" Oh sure he gets up and leaves the house at 4AM and me thinking he is being honest with me doesn't check the phone records to see if he called the attendance line. But while I'm at work at 9AM I go and check them. Yep. 4:30 he called the line and he was pulling his "I'm just going to go sit and have breakfast somewhere for a couple of hours until she leaves for work and then come home and act like I was at work all day". That is the ultimate in deceptiveness and worse than not going in at all! Oh how I would love to go and move the car to another street and then sit at home waiting for him to show up one morning after he thought I was gone! Just to see his face when he walks in the front door only to see me sitting on the couch waiting on him! I'm sure he'd talk his way out of it (Oh I forgot to grab some paperwork I left here and came home to get it, but I can't find it so now I need to go to the doctor later this morning so I'll just take the day off) and then he'll accuse me of not trusting him and the whole thing will turn around on me! Of course though, I can't waste a workday sitting at home waiting to see if he'll be coming home because I have a JOB I have to go to!!! He even got a note to be put on light duty doing something in another area away form his hated manager and he STILL isn't going in!

I got home at 4:30 on Friday, supposedly 2 1/2 hours after he got home from "work", and I can just tell by the state of the house that he was home all day. The bed, although it is made, is not as I left it that morning so I know he took a nap. There's a dish he had put in the oven to cook something that is in the sink, the firepit has been worked on and he is in the middle of playing video games and it's obvious that he had been drinking for a while. No way in 2 1/2 hours would he have done all of this! If anything he may have napped and been playing video games but that's it! I don't say anything (I never do because I just know he's going to lie his way out of it) and he proceeds to tell me (without any prompting) that his partner came up to see him in his new area today. I don't say anything and change the subject.

Last night he was already turning things around on me without any prompting saying how he worked hard outside all last week so it's not like he's sitting around not doing anything. I said that I know and I appreciate that you are finally getting to this firepit but you can't NOT go to work in the process. He says he's sorry and that bringing home $1200 a paycheck is better than the previous $400 he was bringing home before his raise but he can still go and bring home $1200 a paycheck somewhere else. Really? And where do you plan on getting another job that is paying you as much as this one is? You don't have a college degree and you don't have the energy to even update your resume much less look for another job! So is your plan to try and get another CAM where you are at and then get another one and hope you get fired so you don't have to go to work anymore? He would love to just go work on bikes at a bike shop. Let's see and that would pay you what, maybe $15/hr? You are making $36/hr now and you STILL can't pay your share of the bills! I'm all for him being at a job he would actually go to, but right now I need him to make as much as possible and pay his share of bills. I see him throwing money at his motorcycle and video games after he gets paid and then when I ask him for some money towards bills I get "Oh I'm pretty tapped this paycheck but I'll pay you next paycheck" which of course never happens because his next paycheck he only brings home $400. How can he continually let me pay for everything while he spends the little money he has on his toys? I tell him that I'm really tired of having to take money out of my savings to pay for his share of bills and of course he tells me he is sorry and that he PROMISES to go to work from now on and he does for about 2 weeks and then falls back into his pattern.

He has a union job and can get away with anything. His FMLA seems to get him off again and again because his doctor basically signs anything H wants him to. He told me last night that he has to start making money and then once again today pulls the "I'm leaving for work but just going to drive around until you leave" because I know he didn't go in. How can somebody do this and get away with it from his doctor and his manager??

Smells like divorce. I wouldn't put up with it. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. You're in a bad spot.

I don't confront him on any of it either because the only way I'd know he doesn't go to work is to say I checked our phone usage on the website and THAT will piss him off and lead him right into "Why did you check? Don't you trust me?" I did catch him a few months ago when I checked his bank account right before I left for work and see he had just made a purchase at a place 30 minutes south of where he was to be. I stayed home that day because I was so pissed off and he came through the door about 15 minutes after he thought I'd be gone. He immediately started lying that there was nobody at work ( a company of over 10,000 people!) so he left and then decided to go have breakfast 30 minutes south of where he works and THEN come home. Yeah because rather than come home you'd go have breakfast at 5AM 30 minutes away?! Then he tells me "Oh I just got a text from my partner and he said he just left too. Riiiight!

Why stay with someone who persists in behaving as an insane lying kook? Either he's mentally ill and gets help, or he's a rotten person and you leave. It looks like the latter.

Sorry if this is harsh, but what you describe is over-the-top. Seriously, it sounds right out of an unbelievable comedy film. No way to live like this!

Trust and communication are foundations of a relationship, in my book.

Maybe you need a therapist to move forward. Your posts are about how annoying other people's behaviors are, and yea, I know from myself people do annoy me to no end, but I also know I can never make them do what I want because I'm just me, I can only control me.

If you truly want to do something about a situation you have to make plans (maybe with a therapist) how to change things. Staying at just being annoyed is not good for you. I know some people get into the behavior of complaining about others but then they forgot they need to actually do something too.

Your husband sounds from your other posts like he is emotionally unstable, he is maybe depressed and most likely an alcoholic. If that is the case, he needs help. I know it is very hard to help people who have found their own kind of "help" (alcohol and video games), but maybe you have to show him the way here and tell him where to look for help.

If he really refuses help, then maybe you should distance yourself from him? How about your own mental health, is it better than his? Are you also facing an issue with alcohol? (I'm not trying to be rude here.)

I just CANNOT confront him! I have no guts and KNOW he will turn it around on me and make me feel like I'm the crazy one! He'll give me all these reasons why the bed is unmade, why there's a dish in the sink how he managed to do all the work on the fire pit in an hour and I will end up questioning 'Well maybe he really DID do all of this after work".

I just can't understand how he is getting away with this from his doctor and his manager! I mean I still don't think he has gone to work in 1 1/2 weeks. He stayed home last Mon-Thurs and then apparently went in Friday, yesterday and today but never did. I had hope that he went in today since I didn't see a call in the phone records to the attendance line, but there has been a text to his manager, a call to the work access line and a call to the doctor's office. between about 7 and 8:30 so I am guessing he is home. He has also been on Facebook quite a bit. I mean he is constantly trying to cover up his lies by conniving his doctor and then he has to connive the company into thinking he's really hurt and then has to go back to the doctor and have him sign paperwork. Its just constant covering his *** to cover his ***! He said yesterday the doctor's office called him (even though I see on his phone that he called them!) and told him that yup it's a ligament injury and he can go to the orthopedist. And how he got the doctor to extend his light duty to two months rather than 1 month. Great so GO TO WORK! You were on light duty for 2 weeks and then got it renewed for a month but you have yet to go in for any of that month and you are worried about getting it extended to 2 months already??!! His next paycheck started on Friday Aug 1 and goes through Thursday Aug 14, which is 2 days from now. He has yet to work any of those days. How is he going to explain having a $0 paycheck to me? Or if he does manage to go to work the next two days have only 2 days on it?? He has $130 of loans from work that get taken out every paycheck, $270 is CS that gets taken out every paycheck and then add to that 2 credit cards and student loans. How does he think any of this is going to get taken care of?? Not to mention his share of the bills which amount to about $1100 a month??

That's why, as Jimi said, it might be good to get someone on your side, a counsellor who can advise you what to do, perhaps, rather than remaining enmeshed in the insanity of your partner.

Today was something new and different! So this morning once again he gets up at 4AM and should be out the door by 4:15 to get to work on time. Nope. Got up on time and got dressed and then re-set the alarm. Gets up about 4:40 (he was awake the whole time) and is out of the house at 4:50. Okay so he might be taking an hour of sick time (he did that last week on the day he actually DID go in) or he might just be lessening his time that he has to drive around waiting for me to leave before coming home. Who knows...it's a crap shoot! Then 10 minutes after he leaves I hear a car door slam outside. I am guessing this is him returning home due to whatever made up issue he came up with today. Sure enough I hear the front door open. I am still in bed and just lay there seething waiting to hear "Oh my stomach is really upset I can't go to work" but he goes to the bathroom and is in there for about 5 minutes and then leaves the house again without a word to me! Okaaaaaay? So if you really are on your way to work, you got so far and then turned around because you have to go to the bathroom really bad and then leave again? Why not just stop at a gas station and go there? If he had no plans on going in I would think he would come home and go to the bathroom and then give me the usual excuse of stomach pains as to why he can't go in. It's just so bizarre!

I had hope on Friday that he went in because he didn't make a call into attendance all day, but checked his time sheet online when I got home and he had not gone in at all. He even tells me when I get home that he came home early to watch a live online presentation that started at 1PM. I said very sarcastically "YOU came home EARLY for a change? That's so WEIRD!" He just said "Yeah I came home early". I almost said "And by early you mean about 7AM?" but I didn't. So he didn't call or text anyone but still didn't show up for work and this is okay? Is he just waiting to be fired? He's not looking for any other jobs and he's not updating his resume (too much work) but he sure likes to complain about hating his job. Even if he did quit and found another job he actually went to, he will never find another job that pays as much as this one does. And if he can't pay for anything now how is he going to pay for anything with a job that pays any less? And he can't be without a job because he has to pay his daughter's medical benefits and pay child support, not to mention pay off the loans he borrowed from the company!

He just seems to be hitting bottom. I mean he seems happy, but he's on the outs with his daughter, he's not going to work and lying to me about it and then he found out on Saturday a high school friend who he hasn't seen in nearly 30 years died of a heart attack at 46. I'm sorry that this guy died but you haven't seen him in forever and you were friends on Facebook but you barely connected on there. He actually said to me "I don't know if it's me or my job by in the past 5 years I've lost my dad and now this makes 2 friends, plus I'm on the outs with my daughter." How does ANY of this (people dying!) have anything to do with your job?! It's like he is finding any excuse possible to blame things on his job. Then after he gets this news about his friend he goes to me 'What would you do if I died" and I said I didn't know. He goes 'You'd probably rejoice that I'm no longer draining your savings!" Then yesterday we saw an ad for a dating website and he goes 'Oh you've probably been on there a few times trying to replace me huh?" He knows I'm fed up with this crap and he knows I pay his share of everything because he doesn't work but seems to see the whole thing as a joke.

And this got me wondering too! Last Thursday I get home and after a couple of minutes H says to me "Oh I opened this by mistake because I thought it was addressed to me." I was in the other room when he said it and then as he was bringing it to me he goes "It's from your secret lover." I said "oh goody!" in jest because I knew it was a check for a design I created for this one guy who found my name on the internet. Never met the guy but he happened to live about an hour away. H knew all about me doing this design for the guy. My take on it is that he saw a personal letter addressed to me, from somebody nearby (even though only his last name was on the envelope) and thought he'd open it to try and catch me in a tryst or something. Why else would he open a letter that was CLEARLY addressed to me?! It's like he knows he's doing all kinds of wrong by not going to work so he is trying to find something I'm doing wrong!

And as much as he brings up constantly "Oh are you going to see the pool boy today?" or "It's from your secret lover" or "You've probably been on dating sites looking for someone new" or"You look really nice today. Are you trying to impress a guy at work?" makes me wonder why in the hell he feels the need to take it there every time?! Funny thing is I was closing down the laptop the other day and a pop up ad came up for Match.com. Usually these ads only come up once you've been to the site. I tell him "Oh so are you looking for a date?" and he plays the "Oh I just use this laptop for Facebook and that's it. I don't know why that popped up." However I checked his history a couple of weeks ago and wouldn't you know, he had not only gone to Match.com but had looked at a profile of a woman only about 30 minutes away from us. Not going to work and looking up dating profiles. You're a piece of work!!

Leave him.

He seems to have some serious issues. It seems like neither of you guys can communicate and that you guys barely know each other. It's nothing you build a relationship on. I notice that you don't really communicate either, like with anyone who replies on here, it is like we don't even exist. If you treat your husband like that and he treats you in a similar manner, well, I can see why things don't go well then.

If you don't have any feelings for him and just want him around to produce money and find him a drain on yours, maybe it IS time to break things off? He doesn't seem any happier with you than you with him so it is probably mutual. I think you probably need to realize he is not healthy and if you can't or don't want to support him, it's not healthy for you to live with him and just keep talking about how bad he is. It is your only life and you decide if you want to spend it like this.

I'm sorry I don't respond to anyone, but I'm just so damn angry at what he's doing that i just want to vent! If I tell him ALL I know about what he's been doing (and it's a LOT of lies!) he will go ballistic and immediately tell me I don't trust him, I'm just like his ex, I snoop and go behind his back. He will make me feel like I am the reason he's not working or something! NONE of it will be his fault. And I CANNOT stand it when he or anyone is angry at me even though I have every right to feel the way I do. I will end up being mad at him for 30 minutes and then won't be able to take it and will say I'm sorry I didn't believe you or something. I don't have a freaking backbone!

I found out via his bank account back in March that he went to breakfast one morning 30 minutes out of his way rather than go to work. I caught him and he told me lie after lie as to why he was there. He changed his password. Well today I type in another password and it was correct. Turns out last Monday he did the same thing and had breakfast at this same place. So he isn't making any money but decides to go eat breakfast somewhere 45 minutes away and use up gas in his car that he can't afford to fill up. All this rather than tell me he isn't going into work!

My husband worships the ground I walk on and say that he is so happy he met me and how I turned around his life. Yeah with MY money! He would never ever leave me and I'm too ingrained in my relationship with him to leave him.

Ah, I think I got you wrong. I'm more a fixer than a listener so I thought you wanted things to get better. If you just want to vent of course you are free to do that.

I really thought today that maybe he did go to work. He hadn't checked Facebook until he was supposedly on his 8-8:10 break and was off it at the right time. However, I then check the phone records and at 5AM, 20 minutes after he left home, he called in to attendance. Then at 6:30 I see he called his counselor. So apparently when I saw him on the "web" and not "mobile" for Facebook, he was home.

He doesn't tell me he goes to see a counselor, although he did mention it to me when he was having issues with his daughter, but I see via phone records that he went to see one about 2 weeks ago. Once again, something I need to snoop to find out about! I would love to know what he talks about in these sessions. I wonder if he tells the therapist that he isn't going to work and is lying and deceiving me? I highly doubt it. In his sessions he probably twists everything around to make him look like the good guy and everyone else has issues. It is really to the point now where I believe he's lying about every single thing that comes out of his mouth until I uncover it's the truth! I mean I've seen all the lying texts to his manager so it's not hard to believe that most things he says are lies.

He'll say you don't trust him.

That's fair. Why would you? You don't, do you?

Your too-much-drama threshold is waaaaaaayyyyyyy higher than mine!

Don't bother confronting him or worrying about his lying/not going to work, etc., just sit down with him, make a list of all the bills and the two of you be clear on what they are and how much they are and what his part is and then tell him he is responsible for giving you that much/putting that much in the bank each month, every month, no excuses. Make sure you are not listed on any of his credit cards (in other words, legally take yourself off them if you are on them now) and that his credit cards are on his half of the bill-paying responsibility. You will happily pay all the bills but if he does not give you "enough" money then guess what doesn't get paid Make sure you are responsible for mortgage, food, your car insurance (and tell him if he does not pay what he owes for his vehicle's insurance you will cancel his car insurance only (make sure you can do that legally too), etc. Do everything you can up front so it won't matter what "happens", he'll get screwed and you will not by his actions.

Why would it matter if it gets upset .. So what .. he certainly isnt showing you any respect with this drama fest of lies... Why in the world would you put up with this ? If he is not working and your paying all the bills .. What are you getting out of this relationship ? there is no open communication that I can see.. What is the appeal to stay with a man that behaves this way? You are spending so much time snooping on him yet you dont want to confront him ?

Maybe you could find a therapist and they can help you navigate this mess .

I wish you the best.

I think it's time for a separation. You don't have to go immediately to a divorce, but I think a separation from him for a time should send a strong message. Let him know you won't put up with this, he needs help, and you're leaving until things improve. Ask a friend if you can bunk with them for a month or so. Start separating money. You may need to figure out how to survive on your own...because if you do divorce, you will have to anyway.

Must have a good job If he never has to show up