Positivity

Hi All!

I didn't really feel the need to post an update, but I was really concerned that someone would come in here who is desperate enough to quit drinking, and in reading current discussions, be turned off by the whole idea of sobriety, however they may find it. So I wanted to post a positive thread.

I have been sober for 107 days today thanks to the help I have received from Alcoholics Anonymous. Yes, I may have been able to be sober this long without the program, or in some other way, but this is what has worked for me. Before I got sober, I had an apartment. I had a car. I had friends. I had a just landed an excellent job with great pay. I had a lot going for me. But inside I was empty. I always thought that I had to do something for people to be my friend. I thought I was more fun when I was drunk. I thought the only way to get a man to like me was to let my boobs hang out so I'd be attractive, and the only way to get attention was to sleep with a guy the first time we hung out. I would say "on the first date" but I've never been on a date! My "dates" meant meeting at the bar, getting drunk, and having sex. Not being picked, given flowers, taken to dinner and a movie, and a kiss on the door step. When I was drinking, my ambition was zapped. I thought I was slated for only a few things in life. Work at LabCorp, be single, live in an apartment I hate 30 minutes away from work, SAY I was going back to school but not really believing it, drinking 6 or 7 beers on work nights, 12 packs or 3 pitures on the weekends, constantly struggle to loose weight, never get out of Tucson, working in the lowest parts of medicine, and never doing something I love or living somewhere I like. It got to the point where my idea of drinking cheap but not drinking alone was to be in chat having drinking contests with the guys. And being proud when I was a few beers ahead of them. I quit going out because it was too expensive. I was making plenty of money to live comfortably, but I was always broke, scrambeling to make sure I had enough money for beer. I disappointed my grandma and worried her sick, and she's 80. I never had any kind of relationship with my dad, and always blamed him for everything, instead of seeing that I didn't try either, and I was one hell of a brat of a daughter. I didn't want to go see him play in the band because I was afraid to get drunk in front of him, yet it got to the point where if he said, "Come down and I'll buy you a piture" I was there. I was down to 2 friends. I had everything going for me as far as economic security went, but anything else was nill. I suffered health issues and ended up in the hospital. I lost the man I've loved for over 10 years.

Then one day I said, while drunk off my arse, "We should quit drinking and go to AA" I was drinking with a friend and having a good time. He said, "We'll talk about it tomorrow." We did talk, and went to 3 meetings that day. Man was I miserable. I was hungover and couldn't have that beer to get rid of it. I always waited until about noon to have the "hair of the dog that bit me". Another beer, to cure the hangover. Noon was ok because it wasn't morning anymore. I'd look at that beer and be sick to my stomach and scared to drink it, but I drank it. Well that day, I didn't have the hair of the dog. And I haven't touched a drop since.

I started going to a meeting a day, sometimes more. I met people who are now my dearest friends. My real friends. They'll do anything for me, and I for them. If we don't talk, they call me. I got a sponser and started working the steps. I was able to finally take an honest look at myself. To see why I was so miserable in the past and why I drank. And once I saw those things, I started working on getting rid of them like a piece of stinky cheese in the fridge. I have lost 20 pounds. Not dieting, not excersise, just no beer. Granted, I was lucky and didn't fill the void with food and sweets. I feel amazing. No more nauseous mornings at work. No more drawing blood with shaky hands. No more heartburn. No more ANYTHING!! I'm not spending tons of money. I'm paying my bills. My days at work don't suck because now I realize, I GET to go to work. I GET to have a job and not be broke all the time. I GET to have the responsibilties of an adult, and all the benefits that come with that. I have extra money! And in December, I am moving to the apartments I have been dreaming about since childhood. Right across the street from work. Moving up literally, as they are on a hill that overlooks the city. I am considering going back to school, but this time to get out of science. This time to study photography, something I've always loved. I'll end up with a new career, or an awesome hobby, either way, finally doing something I love, instead of just rolling over and quitting.

I am 26 years old. My mom died when I was 20 and I have been miserable ever since. I quit. And now I'm back to life. I can say with absolute honesty and truth and gratitude, that I love my life now. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I don't regret my past, because it didn't kill me, and it made me stronger. Nearly 6 years of emptiness, unhappiness, thoughts of suicide, losing all hope, giving up completely. All turned into 107 days of pure and utter happiness and love for my family, friends and holy crap, MYSELF. I am now mending things with my family and friends, and am finding out they have always loved me even though I never thought they did. 6 years of hell, 107 of days of paradise.

I acheived this with the help of the program of alcoholics anonymous. I am still myself. I just let myself out of it's cage. I shine now. I still have my own thoughts and feelings. Some days I take a break and spend time with myself at home. Some days I don't go to meetings. I am not a prisoner. I am free. This is what has worked for me. There are those who suffer and die. Only 1% of us make it. And it's not about how you chose to do it. It's about how much you want it. It's about how much you believe you can't go it alone and achieve paradise. I believe in something now. I have a spiritual basis, and it's THAT believe, that reliance, that faith that has kept me sober and happy. Not AA. Not church. Not me. Not you. Not my parents. Not the court. Not Psych Central. I gave it up. I turned it over, and I quit fighting happiness when I realized I could let something else do the work.

Today I am truly greatful for my sobriety and my life and my ability to help others and be of service. It really is another day in paradise.

~Rayna

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Raynaadi said:
But inside I was empty. I always thought that I had to do something for people to be my friend. I thought I was more fun when I was drunk. I thought the only way to get a man to like me was to let my boobs hang out so I'd be attractive, and the only way to get attention was to sleep with a guy the first time we hung out. I would say "on the first date" but I've never been on a date! My "dates" meant meeting at the bar, getting drunk, and having sex. Not being picked, given flowers, taken to dinner and a movie, and a kiss on the door step. When I was drinking, my ambition was zapped. I thought I was slated for only a few things in life.

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I can relate to the whole thing, but mostly that quote. I'm so happy to be sober, happy, joyous, and free. I'm so glad you are too! Thank you so much for sharing.

Wow Rayna!!! Thanks for sharing such an important part of your life--many things to think about for sure.

Sober 107 days--- how awesome! And moving up to those apartments sounds wonderful for you! I'm so very happy for you.
We're here cheering you on

Mandy

Great, uplifting share RAYNA!

Thanks

I was reading over your post again and I gotta tell you, you are one smart woman. To go through so much and SEE that you have a problem with alcohol says a lot for you. So glad you've turned to AA for support on your way to staying sober and keeping your recovery. AA and NA has been a tremendous help for me as well. The saying goes, "The program works if you work it", and you my friend are working it!

Rayna…
It’s posts like yours are a ray of hope to people you may never meet.
You are indeed blessed.

My favorite part was
“I turned it over, and I quit fighting happiness”

The Buddhist monks tell me that by feverishly grasping after something, I only keeps it at a distance. I only frustrate myself. And I do not get the things I so desperately seek. I needed to stop fighting for happiness, stop trying to catch it, just let it wash over me. I don’t hold happiness like a beautiful gem covetously buried deep in a secret pocket, it passes through me. Who knew?

Richard

p.s.
this site needed your positive outlook, thanks.

That was a wonderful post. It takes alot to tell all of those things I know. Me, I did not drink and use drugs to feel OK with other ppl, but to hide from myself and the way my life was going. Just think, doing all of that to make my life better.. After many OD's and days of drinking on end, I got on heroin and then was lost also. This had to stop I knew and went cold turkey without anyone helping me. I would just tell others I was not feeling well, sick or something. But I made it through it just like you have. Days turn into weeks, weeks to months, months into years. All of it just a day at a time.

Allan

Congrats on the 107 days

Wow....am I glad I posted this last night, because I had to be reminded. What an amazing way we have of flipping ourselves over. I had a rough day. I almost didn't want to post that, because I didn't want to take away from the positivity, but I think I should because for me, the rough days just reaffirm our commitment to ourselves that we truly deserve happiness.

I won't go into to a heck of a lot of detail because it's real simple. Last night about an hour after I posted my story, my strength and hope, I was consumed by obsession. All it took was for me to get a little too hungry, too tired, too lonely, and I was drinking water and I finished the bottle of water, and downing that last sip of water from the bottle made me wish it was beer. Suddenly I was gripped with the overwhelming wish to drink. Luckily, I immediatly turned to the tools I have learned over the last 108 days. I immediatly told my friend online who was viewing my webcam, (talk about humility). I immediatly steped back and saw what had caused my momentary weakness. Hungry, tired etc. First thing this morning, I told my best freind in the program, then I told another. I told my coworker. Talked to my friend on lunch, talked to my sponser after work until I got to my friend's house, went to a meeting, and talked to my friend all the way home. I realized that man, when the going gets great, that's the easiest time to slip. I think my higher power was reminding me of how close I am to the edge, even in utter happinesss. I have been fighting toothe and nail, but I pulled through without a drop! I asked for a sign that I was still being watched over....and the most beautiful moon hung in the sky. It's been rainy, and the quarter moon was surrounded by mist and thin clouds, with a planet above it. I knew instantly, that was my sign. Suddenly I could see the beauty in everything again. Suddenly I felt a bit better. I had to run out to my car (while still on the phone hehe) to get my book so I got to look at it again. The obsession is lifting again. I had gotten so comfortable....I'd forgotten how close to the edge I could be at a moments notice. And I'm so thankful for this. Because it takes me back and reminds me that just because things are going my way and I'm happy, that I'm not cured of this. And I was able to hang on to yet another day. I'm taking it hour by hour at this point. But it's going away. =)

The reason I posted this is not to contradict everything I wrote in that post. I don't want to scare anyone off who may be reading in silent misery and make them think, what's the point? She posted all this hope and now she's suffering. I truly hope that no one takes it this way. My point is to let everyone know that there will be days where it's not paradise. There will be days when we fight tooth and nail and struggle to stay above water. Well I've learned that the fight to live is quite endearing, and quite well worth it. Because you know what? Tomorrow I can look back and say, wow, I do know how to do this. I will survive. I needed to share this, really so I could tattle on myself. Because it's through the fellowship, through asking for help, that I have acheived all that I have.

Thank you all so much for your words. I needed to read these words, especially today, to remind myself that all I have worked for can not go in vain. To remind me to honour you all, and to thank you wholeheartedly for being a part of my sobriety.

With much love,
~Rayna

Sometimes reality is scarey for others. But like you have gone through and most of us, there are times things like this happen. It is just part of the addiction process. If all we do is talk about how it has changes us around and how much better our lives are, what happens when someone is in trouble and all they read is that. Are they going to be able to find some kind of support there? No, I think not. We need to tell it like it is, good and bad in order to have it all out there in black and white so when others need something when they are going through a hard time, it is there for them. This is just how I feel anyway.

Allan, sometimes an outsider

Again, thank you for sharing Rayna, and you too Allan.

Y'all are right... Recovery isn't a walk in the park a lot of times. Some days I wake up feeling refreshed and in the best of moods and rarely think of using that day. Then there's some days I wake up and it's all I think about all day and wonder, "Maybe just one hit of meth will make me feel better.", or, "Maybe one drink will make me feel better and I can go back to sobriety tomorrow.", it doesn't work that way. When in need during our tough times through recovery is when we need to lean on our sponser, our clean friends, and others around us the most.

Sure, there's bad days and there will always be days that using is all you can really think about, but those days can make us stronger in recovery if we let it. Sobriety is worth every painful urge we get.

Rayna, CONGRATS! I think it's brilliant that you've gone for so long with no alcohol. It's great that you've seen so many improvements in your life since you quit. Your new apartment sounds wonderful, especially since it's so close to work! You deserve all this and I hope you're proud of yourself for doing so well .

Hi Silver!!! Long time no chat! Thank you for the congrats. Yes, I extremely proud of myself. Finally, really proud of myself. Another day in paradise!

~Rayna