[Plutonian]

Today marks a week since I've been intoxicated My roommate mentioned yesterday that I'm starting to be myself again. I had dreams last night with heroin laced imagery, making this morning a little uneasy :\

A couple days ago, I told one of my good friends that I was sick last week from drug use (I didn't tell her what I was using and she didn't ask) and that I'm detoxing, trying to sober up for good. She responded less than ideally. Brought up that this weekend a friend we haven't seen in years will be in town and he wants to smoke with us I told her I don't want to, even though I'm very tempted. She kept up with the pressure, "oh come on! He's not in town often and who knows when we'll see him again? Just this one weekend!"

I've been through the whole, "one time, this is just a one time thing, I won't do it again after this," situation before. Many times. It never works out in my favor. I just go back to regular use after a while. What more can I tell her to get her to stop pushing it? She was supportive of my past decisions to sober up, but she's pushing it now because an old friend will be in town.

here and clean. thanks.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by Plutonian

A couple days ago, I told one of my good friends that I was sick last week from drug use (I didn't tell her what I was using and she didn't ask) and that I'm detoxing, trying to sober up for good. She responded less than ideally. Brought up that this weekend a friend we haven't seen in years will be in town and he wants to smoke with us I told her I don't want to, even though I'm very tempted. She kept up with the pressure, "oh come on! He's not in town often and who knows when we'll see him again? Just this one weekend!"

I've been through the whole, "one time, this is just a one time thing, I won't do it again after this," situation before. Many times. It never works out in my favor. I just go back to regular use after a while. What more can I tell her to get her to stop pushing it? She was supportive of my past decisions to sober up, but she's pushing it now because an old friend will be in town.

oh such a good question, pluto. we have experienced the same situations too. as we get clean those "friends" fall by the wayside cause we are moving away from that life of addiction. you may have felt in the past that these were your friends. for me later on i realized these friends were just my drinking buddies. that's all they were. we didn't have many things in common other than using. you're changing your life-stopping using the drugs. that makes them feel uncomfortable/threatened re their own useage. for me i had to look at the situation and ask myself are these truly friends? true friends want the best for us. give some thought to that. as for your "friends" just say, "no thanks." distance yourself from the upcoming visit. if they are truly your friends they will offer support on your journey to stay clean.
there's a saying, rule of thumb-"stay away from people, places, and things" that we associate with our past addiction.
keep your positive focus. we care and support you we want good things for you.

Hello to the author of plutonium(sp),

Life is difficult to manage clean, nearly impossible while intoxicated.

I recomend you seek recovery.

Be honest..

best of luck to you.

brook

[madisgram]

i love the experience of seeing ppl here getting clean and sober! it gives me so much joy. we have given ourselves the gift of life one day at a time.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Plutonian

Today marks a week since I've been intoxicated My roommate mentioned yesterday that I'm starting to be myself again. I had dreams last night with heroin laced imagery, making this morning a little uneasy :\

A couple days ago, I told one of my good friends that I was sick last week from drug use (I didn't tell her what I was using and she didn't ask) and that I'm detoxing, trying to sober up for good. She responded less than ideally. Brought up that this weekend a friend we haven't seen in years will be in town and he wants to smoke with us I told her I don't want to, even though I'm very tempted. She kept up with the pressure, "oh come on! He's not in town often and who knows when we'll see him again? Just this one weekend!"

I've been through the whole, "one time, this is just a one time thing, I won't do it again after this," situation before. Many times. It never works out in my favor. I just go back to regular use after a while. What more can I tell her to get her to stop pushing it? She was supportive of my past decisions to sober up, but she's pushing it now because an old friend will be in town.

She doesn't get it, does she? Nope, she's just not hearing you--& there's nothing either of you can do about it.

I'm so, so sorry, Plutonian.

It may be early in your recovery to bring out the Serenity Prayer, but I use it for times like this. I ask for: serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

If there's a way to get your friend to hear you, let's pray you find the courage to discuss calmly with her in a context she'll understand why you need to stay clean. If she's not going to be able to grasp that, let's pray you'll be able to give her a big hug and a smile. Tell her you wish them a great visit, but that right now you have to take care of yourself & that means staying sober. Ask her to accept that in the name of your friendship, even if she doesn't understand it.

Okay, that's my way. Anything there that could help you?

Roadie

[Plutonian]

Thanks Madisgram and Roadie! I will definitely try to talk to her about it again, try to get her to understand where I am coming from. We've been friends for a long time, before we both started using drugs (in my case, abusing). I think the reason she is pushing it is because she has the ability to moderate and wants me to be able to moderate my usage as well. I've attempted moderation before, but it just does not work for me, I'm too much of an escapist for that. I guess I can start the conversation with that bit of info and go from there.

Here and clean and sober. I am grateful to be alive today...

[Plutonian]

Day eight complete. I was amazed that I was able to sleep through the night without waking until my alarm went off. It's been a really long time since that's happened.

The cravings last night and today were beyond unbearable. It's a good thing I had to work all day today, otherwise I would have been at home all day driving myself crazy. I had cravings for drugs I haven't done in years. UGH I can make it over this hurdle, I can do it.... I just need to keep my chin up... keep myself distracted with accomplishing my goals... I can't seem to focus on my schoolwork though, it's starting to pile up and I'm getting overwhelmed This is my last semester, then I can take a break, need to remember that. A little over a month left, I can make it through this, I just need to pick myself up off the ground and get to work.

I made myself relax yesterday, didn't do much but watch a movie, listen to music, read a book, just enjoy a day off. Felt good for the most part. A little recoup session before trying to tackle homework again. Almost necessary at the end of the semester, except scary to take because so much work begins to pile up right around now. BUT I can do this and I will do this. Tomorrow

[roads]

Originally Posted by Plutonian

The cravings last night and today were beyond unbearable. It's a good thing I had to work all day today, otherwise I would have been at home all day driving myself crazy. I had cravings for drugs I haven't done in years.

....

I made myself relax yesterday, didn't do much but watch a movie, listen to music, read a book, just enjoy a day off. Felt good for the most part. A little recoup session before trying to tackle homework again. Almost necessary at the end of the semester, except scary to take because so much work begins to pile up right around now. BUT I can do this and I will do this. Tomorrow

Everyone is different, of course, but whenever I thought I could relax while I was in detox I seemed to get in trouble. That's when my addiction buddies seemed to work overtime to get me back under their control.
Rather than kick back and let my mind wander with semi-focused stuff like movies, I found I did better with more inter-active things--like writing. I combined that with short sessions of projects I needed to get done but really didn't feel like doing.
For example, I'd write in my journal for a half hour, then take a 20-min walk, then (ugh) spend a half hour cleaning the kitchen.
Think you could handle something like this? I suspect it would help fend off the attack of the addiction assault meanies. And it would slowly eat away at those course assignments that have piled up, wouldn't it?
All the best,
Roadie

Here and clear headed. I will enjoy this day.

[Plutonian]

On day ten.

Roadie, I did spend time exercising in between movie, reading, etc the other day to have something that was more interactive, but I guess I considered it a relaxation day because I didn't do anything necessarily productive.

Yesterday and today have been the hardest so far. I am struggling today since waking. I can't even write about the cravings right now, it's making me uncomfortable.

Here and a non smoker with a good amount of clean and sober time. It works.

[madisgram]

plutonian, i don't know if i posted to you about a gratitude list. suggestion- write a list of things you are grateful for. like-1. i've been X number of days clean. 2. i feel better that i have made the decision to be drug free. 3. i have friends/family that love me and support me in my efforts to stay clean, i'm learning to like myself, etc. i found it important to list things i really believed and was grateful for. the list was short at first but grew daily. when you have a craving pull out that list and read it. it reinforces the positive. hope this helps.
oh! when i craved a drink it was suggested i sing out loud. the mind can't focus on 2 things at once. course ppl in another car sort of stared but i didn't care.

[Plutonian]

Eleven days complete. I'll have to try the gratitude list suggestion because my current ways of dealing with cravings are starting to be less and less effective. I don't know if I'm strange or what, but I find that I can talk about one thing and think about another? I also notice myself thinking two+ different things at once: I find myself counting when I'm doing exercises, but at the same time thinking about something else entirely without losing count. That strategy just does not work for me My brain when sober is waaaay overactive, one of the reasons drugs were such a large part of my life was their ability to slow down my brain, allow me to think about one or two things at once as opposed to five...

[roads]

Are you just gritting your teeth and hanging on, Plutonian? Or are you pursuing any program or study?

[manicman66]

Day 151 of sobriety is almmost complete. So I think I'm getting to the point where it gets easier some days, but other days (today including) I feel like I'm taking two steps back. I think I need to attend more AA or NA meetings.

[madisgram]

pluto, it's suggested to ask yourself would i rather stay clean or would i rather remain drug addicted? the cravings you speak of are symtomatic of early recovery. we've all stood at that crossroad. we do have a choice-drug or don't drug.
ok another list(s) might help. draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper:
one column-what benefits are there for returning to using?
other column-what benefits are for staying drug free?
look at how those lists look. weigh the consequences too.

weigh both lists and decide what you want to do. in AA we have a saying-"stay sober for 30 days and after that if you decide to return to drinking, we'll gladly refund your misery." sounds harsh but it is true. misery it can be. it's easy to not recall how bad it was. when one does that they are headed for relapse, imo.
my own experience seems to show what happens-i kept negotiating with my addiction. the end result was i returned to it. all the bad stuff very quickly returned. fortunately i lived to return to a sober life. many do not. later i realized and learned to commit myself to being drug free rather than my sitting on the fence. the committment was far easier in the long run than the other choice.
it's good you are posting your dilemma. the cravings will cease. it took time for you to call yourself drug addicted. it will take equal time for you to recover.

I am rested and optimistic today. I was a victim of substance abuse, now I'm a survivor. thanks all+the man upstairs respectfully....

[roads]

I agree with madisgram, I'm glad you're posting, but I picture you pretty much waiting for the addictions to go away and not doing much else. If that's all you're doing, I'd be using again, if I were you. I did the 90 meets in 90 days. I got a sponsor. I started my program. I started on the 12 steps and spent a month working on why I could never do step 1. I worked so hard!

I don't want you to hear this as complaint. It's not. But I am concerned. I've never heard of anyone's addictions just fading away. But that's what you seem to be hoping for. Is it?

Roadie

[Plutonian]

On day twelve.

I've been keeping myself busy with work, school, filling up my days with things I enjoy doing. I'm not just sitting around thinking about how badly I want to be intoxicated. The cravings are there while I'm working, or while I'm studying, while I'm walking, reading, knitting, drawing, etc. I never went to work intoxicated, but everything else that I'm doing currently that I enjoy, even going to school -- I used to do all of that while intoxicated. It's difficult to keep the cravings out of my head because these are still things I enjoy doing while sober, there is just a connection with drug use attached.

I know it's a lot of work, I was able to sober up last year for the summer and fall, but I wasn't doing heroin when I sobered up last year, so it was definitely much, much, much easier. I'm not hoping for it to fade away, I know I need to work for it, but I feel extremely stressed as of late, and drugs were a way I used to handle that. I'm trying to learn new strategies of handling the stress, which is probably the hardest part. That's why I keep relapsing... I try new ways of handling stress and I find they don't work as well as I want them to. Sometimes it just seems that it's easier to return to drug use and then once I'm back to using, I remember why I quit in the first place, but by then I've stepped too far back into my addiction.

I also have an addiction to self-injury, that was my very first addiction. My very first way of learning how to deal with stress. I find if I'm not intoxicated, it's a lot harder to push away the cravings to self-harm. I haven't cut myself in about 19months, but that was also a battle to get under control. Again, intoxication helped get rid of those cravings. I've been thinking about cutting again. I don't want to do it, but there's just an intense urge to do it sometimes. The urges feel like being hit by a train, they're so sudden at times.

I'm trying to juggle a lot of things at once right now: keeping up with school, it's our busiest time of the year at work, trying to figure out what I'm doing after I graduate in May, trying to find a new job, pushing away addictions, keeping up with bills, and more x_x it's overwhelming to say the least... but I wasn't getting anywhere by keeping drugs in my life, I couldn't focus on what to do with my life after graduation, and now I'm graduating in about a month and I'm trying to get things figured out by then... ridiculous. I had ideas in my head, but they were just ideas, there were no actions taken to get these ideas into motion, I was so paralyzed by intoxication. It's time for action.

[madisgram]

T.I.M.E.
"This I Must Earn"

there is no shortcut to overcoming an addiction to drugs/alcohol.
life is just life. if we choose to continue our addiction about life stuff it's about excuses to use, not reasons.

for those of us who have been addicted there are prices we pay:
LOSS OF LIFE-DEATH
loss of self.
loss of loved ones and friends.
not living life but "living" oblivious to life.
financial ruin
jail
needle users-serious health related problems.
loss of emotions/numb.
inability to be honest with one's self.
ETC. ETC. ETC.

R.I.P. best friend mary jane. age 45, mother of 5 children.
there are many more i knew.

this is just my opinion. i've seen or experienced the above listed and more. i've lost very good friends who chose to "live" life addicted...overdose, suicide, vehicular homicide/penitientiary time, loss of family relations, monetary loss. if we want to "escape" by using/drinking we may escape for good. if we can't accept life on life's terms and take responsibility for our actions we are doomed for failure.
i'm forever grateful i chose LIFE.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Plutonian

Sometimes it just seems that it's easier to return to drug use and then once I'm back to using, I remember why I quit in the first place, but by then I've stepped too far back into my addiction.

Plutonian, again I commend you for continuing to come here & declare your determination to fight this difficult addiction. Today's h is monstrous. I want to tell you though, that I have not heard you yet acknowledge my questions about whether you're actively going out and doing anything to help yourself such as:
--get support (AA/NA meetings, counseling, an AA or NA sponsor)
--make a plan (12-step program, any self-help style progressive goal program)

You avoid even mentioning this. You talk about how busy you are. (I'm sorry, a lot of people don't have time for their problems but we still have to keep our problems.)

You tell us that nothing works for you anymore. Then in today's post you say, "Sometimes it just seems that it's easier to return to drug use and then once I'm back to using, I remember why I quit in the first place, but by then I've stepped too far back into my addiction."

Sometimes? Well, you just put a big grin on my face.

Pretty much every problem I've come up against since I quit drinking would have been easier to deal with in the moment with a nice bottle of single malt liquor, but I don't seem to have any Easy-Way-Out cards left in this lifetime.

I was really, really slow to accept your request to befriend because I had a feeling I wasn't going to be very nice to you. I think you're wanting to quit using but maybe not able to do anything yet. I'm not sure you ever will, because your time for self- honesty may be past.

Make that list madisgram recommended. It might help.

Roadie

[Plutonian]

I was confused by what you meant by "program or study," I was thinking more in terms of school? But no, I have not gone to NA meetings, I believe I have mentioned this before? Maybe that was in a separate thread, I'm not sure. However, I am in therapy and am working with my therapist on my issues, trying to get my head sorted out, making a plan with her. I've looked into NA meetings in my area, and I've read the 12 steps, but I don't think those will work for me. I don't believe in a higher power, and I don't wish to acknowledge that portion of the 12 step program, which is a MAJOR portion of the 12 steps. Also bringing up my past mistakes and making amends is something I do on my own, I ruminate often and I try to learn from what I've done, make less mistakes in the future. I have support from most of my friends, and the ones that are not supportive are not in my life currently.

I did not say nothing works anymore, I said my strategies are becoming less effective. They still work, to an extent. But again, these are strategies I used when I sobered up in the past, and that was before I was using heroin. I'm going to keep using these strategies and looking for other ways to keep my body clean, but all I was saying is that it's harder this time around. I was not expecting it to be easier, but I feel by coming here that I can talk frankly about what I'm going through right now. I'm not making excuses for myself here, I'm just trying to give you more of a back story.

[roads]

Back stories are fine. But you need to be concerned most with giving yourself positive traction to use for going forward.

I have no religious convictions for any "higher power" stuff, so that was of no use to me in AA. I dare say a great number of us who get and stay sober don't have religious faith. But that's covered even in the Big Book. You can use the ordinary psychological underpinnings of the "steps" for your own purposes, as Bill W. describes--instead of the "Higher Power" of the traditional God, you use the group strength served by your support system: your group, counselors, sponsor, therapist, friends, family--that network of support that you construct for yourself so that in a crisis you are not alone.

Again, I am concerned that you seem to be unable to travel any new ground. If you are willing to use only tools that have worked before, you might suffer no new failures ... and probably advance no further. But I wish you the very best.

Please invest your best effort into madisgram's list suggestion. And remember: You are doing all this as an investment in your future.

Roadie