[Caretaker Leo]

So, I suppose those of you who have been in recovery for a long time are well beyond the first step. For me, it is still a daily struggle. I just don't know or believe that I will find myself and live life again until I can figure the first step out.

If you are willing, would you please share how you worked the first step?

[kaliope]

when i did that i separated it into the two parts. being powerless over alcohol- i thought of all the times that i didnt plan on drinking - and ended up drinking..that to me showed me how powerless i was. Or all the times i told myself i was going to have 1 and i had more..that told me how powerless i was. Or all the times i was going to have a few and i ended up drunk. that showed me how powerless i was. And all the times I was dead drunk, depressed and crying- certainly that was not my intent, that was not a fun night of drinking, that is out of control drinking- powerless over the alcohol. and of course, all the times i blacked out. Not my intent-powerless over the amount i drank, just couldnt say no and kept them coming.

When it came to the life being unmanageable part, well certainly looking above, you can see quite a bit of unmanageability in that department. But that was about writing a list of the ways my life was unmanageable. Couldnt get out of bed in the morning to feed my kids because I had just got home a few hours before and i was passed out/too drunk/hung over. couldnt keep house clean for same reason. cps call for same reason. no money to buy food/diapers because spending on alcohol. relationship in toilet. plumbing backed up. appliances dont work. need job, etc.

anything goes. its your program. hope this helps.

[notz]

Originally Posted by Caretaker Leo

So, I suppose those of you who have been in recovery for a long time are well beyond the first step. For me, it is still a daily struggle. I just don't know or believe that I will find myself and live life again until I can figure the first step out.

If you are willing, would you please share how you worked the first step?

Some days are a struggle no matter who you are, or how much time you have since that last drink. The only way you build time past your last drink is to never finish your 1st Step. The only way you're going to find yourself is to become comfortable and committed that the 1st Step is an ongoing process. IMO/JME

Originally Posted by notz

Some days are a struggle no matter who you are, or how much time you have since that last drink. The only way you build time past your last drink is to never finish your 1st Step. The only way you're going to find yourself is to become comfortable and commit that the 1st Step is an ongoing process. IMO/JME

...yeh I have to agree with that. It's not a matter of 'worked' the step..but 'working' the step, and this coming from me who only recently had a brutal relapse.

the day I knew truely deep down that I had a problem, many years ago...it began as a distant knowledge...but the day it was right in my face! There was and is never such a thing as 'drinking' for me ever ...it was and always will be a 'relapse'. I didn't go to have a drink..I went and had a relapse!
No matter how hard I try to believe that I am just off to have a drink...and that alcohol touches my mouth...I am suddenly and unequivocably embarking on a full blown bender that could kill me.

Unfortunately I sometimes consider myself as one of those who is "constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself"..because the only time I truly identify with alcoholism?...is when I am really drunk.
when I can experience powerlessness and see how unmanagable my life has become because of it!

I don't recommend this as a way to understand the first step.

I am sure I am not alone with that experience.

If I can embrace the first step when I am sober and throughout the day as an un-completed task...then I suspect I am more likely to admit I am not going for a drink...but a relapse..and a major one.

I fall down I suppose after I have survived a relapse and stopped drinking because I consider that I have 'worked' the step and I am fine now.
But I am usually in shock and just don't want to relive the horror I just went through...but after a while I forget exactly how terrible my alcoholism is.

my God it's hard... and the whole thing makes me really nervous.
because I know what I am capable of

[Leed]

I did what Kaliope did -- I broke it down into 2 parts. Obviously I was powerless over alcohol -- I NEVER drank without getting drunk! I never planned on getting drunk -- that's just the way it happens! I cannot have just 1 or 2 -- never could.

And BOY was my life unmanageable! Since I certainly couldn't regulate my drinking or make my life any better, I became convinced that a Power greater than me MUST be able to handle it! And I was right -- once I became WILLING to believe, things started going much better!

And Step 1 IS an on-going process. I have to reaffirm my powerlessness often. It's worked for me -- it's been almost 19 years since my last drink.

Good luck & keep on keepin on. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

here's a portion of how i dealt with step one.

*admitted, an action word.

*Confess to be true or to be the case, typically with reluctance.

*acceptance, that i was an an alcoholic.

*Acceptance is a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.

"but no one wants to admit complete defeat."

i found it difficult to accept what i was much less admit it. mad at the fact i had crossed over that imaginary line. why me? wanted to deny the truth. wanted to pretend i was ok. finally realized alcohol had me, not the other way around. i was powerless. i was chained to it's demands. it was like sealing my coffin to admit i lost the battle. (ego). wanted to refuse i was defeated. no logical way to get around that truth. up til then "false pride" kept me from "surrendering". but alcohol had beaten me down. it had destroyed me. yet alcohol i thought had given me power. instead i didn't even know who i was anymore. i felt that i had lost my very soul. alcohol promised me the world. instead it had taken away everything!!!!!!! it was a liar! i was shackled to this disease. i knew i was powerless.

step one-it sounded like a death sentence. was way too much work. but finally realized the only way to succeed/overcome this illness was i had to grow up and turn this madness into a better life. i didn't want to grow up! i had always relied on someone else bailing me out of "jackpots". but this time there was only one way out. for me to do the "work" and change. seemed overwhelming. realized tho i had to go thru it to break the vicious cycle of self destruction. othewise i would continue to be in a living hell.

life was unmanageable
yeah that was a hoot. i had no say in my life due to my alcoholism. every decision i made was based on my drinking, drinking, drinking. my life was totally insane. i managed nothing. alcohol dictated my every move. my personality changed. my values if any were gone. i didn't feel emotions. i had absolutely no say in what i did or decisions i made. alcohol did that for me. i was lost in an abyss.

the key for me was a spiritual moment after praying, justme, one night with tears streaming down my face cause nothing else had kept me sober. i was totally desperate as only a dying man/woman could be. i woke up the next morning and in my heart i felt a mustard seed of hope. that was a miracle because when i had gone to bed i felt hopeless and helpless. i started with that hope and built on it "one day at a time."

so that's my experience and i realized step one could be a new beginning. to offer me something i had lost. by surrendering to the truth. i no longer had to fight the truth of what i had become. i was willing to change if only a little bit at first. i was on the first trek of the journey towards a new life. at that point, step one, that was all that was required of me. it was that simple. giving up to gain freedom. today by beginning with the first step i am happy, joyous and free!

[Neurontin]

Originally Posted by Caretaker Leo

So, I suppose those of you who have been in recovery for a long time are well beyond the first step. For me, it is still a daily struggle. I just don't know or believe that I will find myself and live life again until I can figure the first step out.
If you are willing, would you please share how you worked the first step?

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=207336 Well for me it was about being honest to myself about my problem....next I needed to be open to a new way of seeing things..... PERCEPTION... its still an issue for me...I once heard Clancy, an AA old timer tape. He said that alcoholism is a disease of PERCEPTION....Im not alcoholic but thats so true. I thought I was okay even looking in the mirror. I was weighing 118 pounds. I was dying and guess what.....!!! I didnt even know it. So, Step 1 is about looking at the facts. THE TRUTH...I NEEDED to stop lying to myself and get honest. Its the H.O.W of the program. Honesty, Opemindedness, and Willingness...with these we are well on our way. Good Luck My Friend.....Step One is the beginning of a whole new life.... CHECK OUT THE LINK ABOVE ON STEP ONE...

Caretaker Leo, I'm right there with you, stuck on Step One. I'll let you know the answer to that when I can put a string of 12 sober months together. Good luck to you, one day at a time is still the best answer there is, for me. Ronny O in my local meeting has said countless times, "If you don't want to get drunk, don't pick up a drink." If I could intuit that one effing phrase, I would be well ahead of the game but it's not as easy as it seems.

[Caretaker Leo]

Thanks to everyone who has provided insight! It is so helpful.

[Caretaker Leo]

Hope it is ok if I journal my thinking here... and any feedback is always welcome.

First, I will admit that I am still drinking. And I just don't think I will stop until I come to grips with the First Step. I realize from what others have written that I won't ever move past this step - instead I will need to learn how to work it every day.

Unlike others, I have had no negative results from my drinking - never been hospitalized, arrested for DUI, spent time in detox or a recovery program. I've attend a few AA meetings now - and everyone there seems to have had those experiences - so it makes me feel as though I don't belong in AA...

I don't like the idea of being powerless - I was raised to believe that I could achieve anything I wanted. Sometimes that pressure was too much, and I have even told my parents that I struggled with their high expectations of me. Maybe I still do and that is why I can't come to terms to admitting I am powerless over alcohol...

What I do know at this point is that alcohol has total power over me. But I don't want to admit that I'm an alcoholic - even though all of my family knows I am. I don't want to admit that I can't solve this myself, because I've always had a very independent streak and believed I could solve most anything! (Yeah, maybe that is why I am so good at taking care of everyone else and not myself).

Still with me?

I am very aware that certain parts of my life are unmanageable. All I have to do is look around my home to see unfinished tasks and projects; books I started reading and never finished; emails from friends to which I haven't responded... a long list.

I know I want happiness and serenity back in my life. I have wonderful memories of times 5+ years ago when I wasn't drinking. I cry when I think about those times.

Again, hope it is ok that I'm writing all of this down here. Thanks to all of you who read it.

There are plenty of people in AA who have yet to get into any scrapes with the law. Maybe more are women, I don't know, it does no good to generalize. It really doesn't really matter though. We all share/shared the same compulsion, the same shame, the same isolating tendencies, our similarities are legion compared with our differences.

5 yrs ago, I too had found a sweet spot in life. I was drinking but only socially and my life was just humming along. I too would like to regain that serenity, happiness, call it whatever you like.

It is slowly dawning on me how selfishly I've acted over the years-whether in my failure to address my bipolarism or my alcoholism. And now, at 41, faced with my father's looming health nightmare, I wish to hell I was healthier for him and my mother. I wish I had left this *******ed nonsense behind me a long time ago because to have to still deal with it now when I'm really needed by my family is just a very sad reality. I wish I was more ashamed but my addiction still wants me dead and so I'm still in a battle for my self, at a time when I can least afford to be. If you don't quit for you, quit for your family. Our drinking ripples through so many lives, we're too stoned to realize it-and then you're not present when you're most needed. Keep drinking and you're going to die from it and we all know that's no way to die. Hope you can find a good sponsor at AA who can help you feel more affinity with the group.

And feel free to share anything, any time, that's what we're here for, correct me if I'm wrong.

....of course it's ok, (caretakerleo)

to...share whats goin' on for you

I see it as part of the process that deep down you recognise as being vital to restore those times in your life that demand tears from you now upon recollection.

I was going to ask..."is your life really made 'un-manageable' because of your drinking?"....
but then you confirmed it a bit further on.

I wonder that the style (ah...who would have thought drinking could be stylish? hehe)....the style of your drinking is one of complacency?

The drinking isn't manifesting into huge and obvious dramas, on display for all to see.....but

this is the "cunning" part of alcoholism perhaps.
You are passively drawn into an equally miserable existence caught in it's clutches with the illusion of safety. When in reality you are being ambushed from the inside out.

It's a slow and painful form of alcoholism....it's "baffling" upon realisation what the drink is in-fact doing to you and yet on we go...because it's "powerful" ...the urge to embrace all the lies that alcohol promises as truth.
for an alchoholic...alcohol does something TO us.
for anyone else.....alcohol does something FOR them.

something like that

....went on a bit there...sorry

[Caretaker Leo]

Again, a sincere thank you to all who are reading and/or offering comments on this.

So, I was reading the Big Book last night...

Coming to realize that I am no more special than anyone else who is on this journey. Someone please slap me for being so self-centered and obnoxious!!!!

I went to Chapter 5 - How it Works. Read the steps and decided that maybe I should explore Steps 2 and 3. Maybe that is where I really need to start...

As I read, I got very turned off by the "god" stuff. Then, had an interesting conversation with my son (almost 2 months sober now). Realized my beliefs have been all over the board... raised Lutheran, but decided that many of them were hypocrites in church on Sunday because I saw them in the bar of the restaurant where I worked the night before. (Yes, I now realize I was totally wrong in judging them).

I converted to Judaism when my children were born, because I thought it best to raise them with one religious belief (my ex-husband's). Met my current hub who is agnostic (raised as a Catholic and calls himself a "recovering Catholic"). Gee, but he has been sober for 14 years now...

At this point, I know I have lost all sense of what I might believe in...

So, I backtracked a few pages in the Big Book. And the corner of the page is now bent so I can find it again. Here is what I read:
"Yes, we had been faithful, abjectly faithful to the God of Reason. So, in one way or another, we discovered that faith had been involved all the time!"

Darn - that describes me perfectly!

And then I read further down the page.

"Who of us had not loved something or somebody? How much did these feelings, these loves, these worships, have to do with pure reason?

Brain is whirring. More thinking. Perhaps answers will start coming tomorrow.

[Caretaker Leo]

Not certain if I should update and keep this thread to stay alive...noticed that many people have read it without adding replies... maybe if I continue writing my thoughts I can help someone else? If you think I should stop updating, please PM me and let me know.

With reluctance, but knowing it to be the truth - I admit that I am an alcoholic. (takes a deep breath, grabs a kleenex, another deep breath).

I am powerless over alcohol. One drink is too many, but 1000 drinks is not enough.

My life is unmanageable and I am reminded of that every day by my spouse and son. Sure, " I function" in some parts of my life. I go to work and do my job. At least it appears I do. Yet I know that I'm not doing my best and am losing control over my ability to convey a positive attitude with my co-workers. Do they see that? Probably. But no one has called me out on it - YET.

Once I am back at home I no longer function. I just get lost and stop myself in my tracks because I lock myself up in this rut of drinking.

So, where to go from here? First, I have to stop drinking. I don't think I can do that with willpower alone, so I will be asking my doctor next week to prescribe Ativan. Edit - Oops! spouse just told me that I should ask for Antabuse. When I told that to my son, his response was that he hoped I would drink something while on it and experience the awful side affects. And if you wonder whether that is supportive - it is! I am not angry or bothered by his response - because he is now 2 months sober and I see how much better his life is already!

Caretaker,
I think you should post as often as you would like. I would wager big money that there are plenty of non-posters who nevertheless read your posts and get a lot from them, myself included. You must see a number of parallels between PC and AA? Everyone in the meeting is contributing something just by being there, bearing witness to the collective suffering. And even the least eloquent among them add immeasurably to the collective consciousness, often in ways that they themselves cannot always fathom. And you are surely among the eloquent. Keep posting, it's good for all of to hear. And hopefully others will pick up the slack when you need a break, eh? I wish you another sober 24...Trust me, I know the feeling after work when you're all alone and that bottle is trying to find it's way into your hand. Remember, it's just the damned illness speaking to you at those moments and when you respond by quietly declining that's a huge triumph. There are millions of sober people behind you at that particular moment, so you can draw great sustenance from that thought, if you choose to.