[Lenny]

Over the Thanksgiving Holiday I was Graced with the opportunity to speak at our local Alcathon,,where we hold meetings 24 hours a day throughout the Holiday..We offer food and fellowship for many of us addicts who feel alone and vunerable. I feel such gratitude during these meetings.

My topic was surrender.

For me,,this gift,,that of complete and utter surrender was/is the cornerstone of my recovery. Much of what followed was easier with this monumental moment. I was beat. No more deals,,no more compromises,,no more pretending. I waved the white flag with complete humility. This human being was defeated.

But the willingness that followed was the true miracle. The supreme closed mindedness of a raging alcoholic is both its defense and offense against change. Fear of letting go of the one consistent freind, my drug of choice, put walls of ignorance, bigotry and refusal to any froms of Truth no matter its delivery.

I became teachable.

I don't know why my crisp moment of surrender had such a profound impact upon my total psyche or why I was even offered it. But I have wrapped my arms around this gift as if no other would ever come. I was wrong about that...many gifts have followed,,but my humble grasp of its importance to me has never waivered...

My view of the world is too,,impacted by my experience of surrender. Compromise can only be executed when one believes they have something to lose. That was no longer the case for me. There was nothing left and when I look at the battles that wage among our kind throughout the world,,I often look to surrender as the means for change. I pray that some party,,any party get the gift of surrender and seek humbly for a new direction.

What are your experiences with this act of courage?

Lenny

Thanks for sharing that, Lenny.....I would love to hear you speak!

I think I finally surrendered on September 29th of this year. I had been in AA for about 3 1/2 years, and had year sober here, a few months there....and I started turning to other substances this past spring and sent myself to a new low.

I had a weekend in September when I realized how bad it was - I was having withdrawals, obsessing about where to get more of my substance of choice, thinking about drinking...I called an AA friend for help, I asked my husband for help, I finally admitted to those around me what I was doing.

Part of surrendering for me was accepting the fact that I need a PRESCRIBED medication to deal with my PTSD and the anxiety it creates, at least for now. So many years of self-medicating myself, because I refused to admit and accept that I needed that help.

(((((((((((((((((((Lenny))))))))))))))))))))) I always appreciate your words of wisdom. Thanks for your thought-provoking question.

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by earthmama

Part of surrendering for me was accepting the fact that I need a PRESCRIBED medication to deal with my PTSD and the anxiety it creates, at least for now. So many years of self-medicating myself, because I refused to admit and accept that I needed that help.

So very, very true earthmama...surrender does birth the willingness to accept help in whatever form is "prescribed". Many of us need the assistence of medications along with the direction of a educated (addictions) professional.

I am happy for you earthmama...

Lenny

[splitimage]

I guess the start of my surrender came Dec. 25 2006 when I went to a local ER because I was withdrawing so badly after a really bad 4 day bender after loosing a job due to drinking, and I was afraid of having another withdrawl seizure. I remember lying there hooked up to all sorts of machines that kept beeping becasue none of my vital signs were normal. I came very close to having a heart attack or stroke. And all I could think of was that line from the Preamble, "We alcoholics must hang together else most of us will finally die alone." and I realized that despite the fact that I'd been trying to kill myself with booze I realized that I wanted to live and that I certainly didn't want to die of alcohol complications alone in a hospital with no one knowing where I was. It was at that point that I realized that I couldn't do it myself, and that I was going to have to ask for help if I was going to get well.

I was really lucky, I was admitted to the hospital, and while I was in they made me see a social worker and a psychiatrist who referred me to the hospital's addictions treatment program. That started my journey to sobriety. I learned so much in that addictions program and they were so patient with me when I kept relapsing, it truely was the right program at the right time.

Unfortunately as my addiction was coming under control, my mental illness was getting worse, and everyone from my addictions Dr. to my T could see it but me. When my pdoc came back from her medical leave and saw me, she said she was ready to admit me on the spot, but I had always sworn that the one thing I would not do would be a psych admission. After finally facing the obvious - that I was not coping and that I was in danger of relapsing again, I surrendered again and decided to trust my pdoc and admitted myself for what turned out to be a 7 week stay in a psych ward. It was both one of the hardest and best things I've ever done for myself. In some ways it was even harder than getting sober because it meant admitting things about myself that I'd faught tooth and nail for years.

But thanks to finally facing my fears, admitting that I needed help, and accepting help that was offered, I'm sober today, and I'm giving back to people, and I feel like I'm on hte start of an incredible journey of discovery, where I'm finally figuring out who the real me is. Sometimes I like her, sometimes I don't but that's ok because now I know I have choices and I can continue to ask for help and get help making changes for the better.

I had "trust the Process" put on my one year medallion, because it was only by letting go of my needing to control everything, and starting to trust other people and my higher power and believe that things would work out, as long as I didn't take that first drink, that I was able to finally make it to one year of sobriety, one day at a time.

And now I have an incredible network of support that I can call on when I need to, so that I don't have to rely only on myself, all because I was finally willing to surrender my ego.

--splitimage

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by splitimage

But thanks to finally facing my fears, admitting that I needed help, and accepting help that was offered, I'm sober today, and I'm giving back to people, and I feel like I'm on hte start of an incredible journey of discovery,

Yes...Yes...Yes...

The giving back...such a perfect gift of surrender...so another can see the door..

Thank you Split for your humble honesty and the Hope you offer.

Lenny

[madisgram]

hi lenny,
i've seen your posts often in this forum. thanks so much for the topic "surrender".
i finally surrendered to the fact that i didn't have the alcohol, it had me, 18 years ago now. i tried every trick in the book to hold on to the alcohol until i was spiritually bankrupt and realized i was out of life options literally.
i had willingly gone into a psych ward because i felt devoid of any emotion and felt hopeless and helpless. at that time quite honestly i had lost all hope for myself. i felt as though i was in a black hole. once the doctors had gotten the bipolar under control i was afraid they would release me. i knew i would not want to live in the world if i drank and also knew that would be just what i'd do if they released me. i told them that and they kept me in the hospital. feeling desparate (cause i knew they couldn't keep me forever!) one night i prayed to the "God of my understanding". why i had not done this before i have no idea. i asked "Him" to please help me cause i did not want to live if i was drinking and nothing i'd tried worked. after a long serious prayer of begging "Him" to help me do the impossible i got into the bed. my prayer did not consist of any what-ifs or bartering cause i knew i was at the door of choosing life or death. when i awoke the next morning i had a tiny mustard seed size of hope. i was so afraid it would go away i was even afraid to tell my doctor for fear i would break the spell. i finally told him cause each day that hope got stronger. when i left the hospital (64 days later) i was emotionally and spiritually strong enough to continue forward in a 12 step program going sometimes twice a day if i could. i was holding on for dear life cause i knew He had done for me what i could not do for myself.
i have often shared that the act of "surrendering" actually set me FREE. that's a contradiction of terms but for me it is true. i'm free to live a sober life, free to breathe air, free to love and care for others, free to help others as i was so freely helped by my friends. the greatest gift for me of surrendering aside from being sober is my conscious contact with a God of my understanding. oh, how he loves me! i am enveloped by his love and know now that i am worthy and i will never be alone again cause He is aways with me!
TODAY i am happy, joyous and free, i say even when things are off kilter.
a very grateful recovering alcoholic,
jan

[multipixie9]

after a childhood filled with abuse of every kind i encountered God for the first time when i reached the point of a suicide plan. this changed my life and was my first tiny point of surrender. but the abuse had forced me to trust no one and be totally on my own. so for 30 plus years i tried to be spiritual without really trusting my God. in 1987 i began to develop an addiction to pain pills. in 2003 my health, mental and physical was wrecked and going downhill. my sponsor finally told me she did not think i had ever "surrendered my life to God". somehow that challenge finally penetrated my mind's denial and finally, finally i turned my life over to the care of God.

the next day a car slammed into my car and the next month my daughter and an unreliable young man slammed into the ground on a motorcycle at 2am. after 8 hours surgery and time in an ICU sarah came home to be nursed for a bit. while she was there she and my husband finally confronted my substance abuse. the next day i began my recovery and finally surrendered to the process of working a recovery program and on may 7, 2003 i became clean and sober and could finally begin the long healing process of the hurts that lead me to self-medicate and destroy myself slowly with pills.

since then i have made many surrenders in many areas including the dx of mpd/did that was my way of attempting to survive hellish conditions as a child. bit by bit i have begun to learn how my God is healing me by teaching me not to "go it alone". every bit of brainwashing/programming my savage abusers instilled in me i am needing to surrender to God so He can replace it with healthy ways of living - which does include various medicines and over 14 years of work with my T for the mpd/did.

though i have gone through several "global" times of complete surrender, i must also surrender in smaller ways over and over as God brings me to places of new healing. i used to hate to surrender because i mistook powerlessness for the helplessness of a small victim of hideous abuse. now i see...

SURRENDER IS THE ACT OF ENTRUSTING MYSELF TO A LOVING GOD WHO WILL NEVER ABUSE ME AND WHO WILL ALWAYS LOVE, PROTECT, HEAL, TEACH, TRAIN AND GUIDE ME FOR MY BENEFIT AND FOR THOSE I WILL SERVE AS MY LIFE GOES FORWARD.

this is such a good area to discuss, Lenny, thank you for bringing it up.

leslie and her pixies

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by madisgram

i was so afraid it would go away i was even afraid to tell my doctor for fear i would break the spell.

I so agree madisgram..about the fear...

It still perplexes me,,,my pesonal paradox with fear...It has controlled me for all those years...and yet a piece of it now..keeps me free...

Like most things in my life there is a fog of uncertainty...where grey is the color of choice...nothing is conclusive,,what may be a freind one day can turn on us the next...But I comfortable today with this healthy fear of "it"...

A wonderfull post jan...thankyou for sharing..

Always,

Lenny

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

i used to hate to surrender because i mistook powerlessness for the helplessness of a small victim of hideous abuse. now i see...

And I see that you see Leslie...

It is through surrender that we win...from the tiny battles of who does the dishes to wars of great tragedy...when one puts their dukes down..the battle ends..and recovery can begin...

Some wars are worth winning,,,at any cost,,but it is History that judges best those questions...In my life and my wars,,,it is understanding that I am all I am when I am only what I am....for me to try to be you, control you,,or judge you,,,diminishes me...

To trust in the power of another..is to understand the strength in me..

I am touched leslie by how far you've come....you are a testiment to human courage..

Lenny

[nowheretorun]

i wanted to reply here Lenny out of my high regard for you and your caring attitude towards all of us... im admitting to myself also some unhealthy dependencies and so i agree with you about the importance of surrendering our past ways of thinking and all that may then follow...

for me it was a day when i knew i was completely powerless over many factors in my life.. i had lived in ways that today i am amazed i have survived... i had also climbed and achieved to quickly and without notice of many finer things nearby..

i was made to fall and fall again before i was ready for the surrender.... all that has followed is what makes the journey worth all the effort.... to share our experiences and the steps of recovery with each other is the spirit of healing.. thanks always Lenny..

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by nowheretorun

i had lived in ways that today i am amazed i have survived...

That,,,nowheretorun is one of the amazing gifts of perspective that is given with surrender...

The amazement that we fought so long and hard and still live...when so many others have not..

For me,,I still struggle sometimes with suvivor guilt..and that terrible question.."Why Me?".

One of the very few negatives with long term sobriety is the many funerals attended...

Yes nowheretorun...for me, service is the true seed of Joy..

Make yourself a Terrific Tuesday!!!

Lenny

[multipixie9]

i am making another small act of surrender here, today. lately i have been abusing the painkillers my doctor prescribed for me. i did it to block emotional pain and fear - NOT what the medicine was prescribed for. i feel the shame of going back to old behavior. i feel fear of being swallowed up in my daughter's crisis. she has been pulling on me too heavily in her struggle with a job, that has turned into a nightmare, that she can't honorably quit. i do not know how to help her and don't want to abandon her like my parents did to me when i had difficulties. this time of year brings up bad past abuse and fear, i don't "do" holidays well.

up until recently i had 5 1/2 years sobriety from drug abuse and i am admitting i am in relapse. i have not had a relapse before and i am not sure what i need to do. i am also not sure what i am "willing" to do. right now i think i am willing to be honest online in writing, but i do not want to admit my behavior to my spouse, or daughters. i wish i could find someone i could go into accountability with - even one person i could talk to honestly and report to before i took any pill wrongly, would be a huge protective boundary for me...

i am grateful this forum exists and this thread has been here. i want to become honest again.

leslie and the pixies

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

i want to become honest again.

You have been leslie and it wasn't small.....

The first step in changing any behavior is accepting it..becopming accountalbe. You just did.

I would think that maybe attending an NA meeting and listening a bit until you found a person that you could identify with and then taking that person aside and explain just what you did here...A risk I know...but I think it may reap some rewards..

Your OK...you will get throught this...

Lenny

[Capp]

leslie,
I agree with Lenny...
you just took some very big steps and that took courage on your part.
jmo, but your honesty reflects your desire to be clean again.
starting online is good...you got it out in the open. finding your way again is hard, but doable. I believe in you.

Cap

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by multipixie9

i am making another small act of here. i want to become honest again.

leslie and the pixies

thank you for sharing here with us today. it's difficult sometimes to acknowledge our straying from the path we know is best for us. when i read your post i agree with lenny and capp. the other thought i had was "success begins with a single step". you've taken that step here. your honesty will provide you with the courage you need. life problems (your daughter in this case) can often times lead us in the wrong direction as it takes the focus off what we need to do first. a thought-you will be better able to help your daughter as you wish to do if you are drug free. she is a very fortunate lady to have you as a mom. by being responsible to "self" you will be able to help her too.
once again know that you have taken the first step to become whole again and honesty is the key.

[notz]

I admire your open honesty. Thank you for helping me stay sober today. I'm here for you.

notz

[Raynaadi]

What a great tpic. We've gotten several new members since I was here last. I'm greatful to be reminded of surrender. I surrendered in the beginning when I took my first second step. Since then, surrender has been important on a daily basis for the maintenence of my sobriety. I've been through some horrific events these last seven and a half months, starting with going blind and having to leave pc and my job, then my cat dying, bf's mom being dx'd with cancer, my aunt reaching out to me for help with her drinking and then dying of a hert attack...looking back I see that by surrendering on a daily basis and knowing i did not want thsthese events to take my sobriety, i have been able to grow in sobriety as the sober woman i want to be.

A few weeks ago I went to my first memorial for a man who had lost his battle. the oldtimers always say the longer we stay sober the more bodies we'll walk over. after three and a half years i had become spoiled...then i got the shocking reminders that we battle a deadly disease. i'd rather live blind, free happy and joyous, with the amazing friends i have today, then see again and be drunk.

i was blessed to purchase this talking mac laptop on friday and can now rejooin this community i love so much. a few months back i surrendered to the fact that i needed therapy. what a blessing my t is. she has helped me grow even more. i've also started working a new sponsor going through the bigbook with her. i am now embracing the changes in my life as opportunities to stay sober through adversity and show it can be done.

however, i'm not embracing the changes in the layout here lol. or the fact that it looks like lenny has replaced me as the resident l sober mod tee hee. no hard feelings lenny. so glad you're here and the rest of the new people i'm p meeting. great posts.

excuse typos...talking computer not so easy.

hugs,
rayna

[Lenny]

Originally Posted by Raynaadi

no hard feelings lenny.

None taken Raynaadi...

No one here can ever be replaced...your chair is still warm as it would be if you were still finding a way back...I am glad you found a way..

We get drunk alone and find sobriety together..

Lenny