[pollyboo]

God I love drugs. They're the only thing I have sometimes.
But then I get really depressed that they're the only thing I have sometimes...

They're like a friend to hang around when you have nothing else to do. And YES, totally distracting from getting important things done.
I'm stuck at a wall.
I've been to 3 mental hospitals in the past 4 months.
They didn't really do anything. Jus threw me in there to wander around bored then kicked me out after 4 or 7 days.
I've been so depressed. N I feel worse when I'm sober.
I'm on anti-depressants now too n they don't really work.
I like being strung out, I like being hungover. I like withdrawal and feeling horrible physically instead of mentally. Cuz it's a distraction from your thoughts. From looking at how pathetic and empty your life is. I like the good n the bad. So I love everything about them. Especially if you feel horrible, then recover. You're happier that day cuz it's like.. "well whatever. screw my emotions right now. I'm NOT puking everywhere n shaking horribly like earlier. I'm happy and thankful for that. Today's awesome. <3"
I'm a part time hobo. Life with my parents sucks n they'll never understand me. I have no money. Little friends. N no set plans for the future. I'm tryin to find a college to transfer to but I have to get up to NY first. I'm kinda stuck here. N life is depressing n empty n pointless. I have no resources n I don't really know what to do. Before I did drugs I was proud of not having to take any meds to deal with myself. Now that I'm on so many psychiatric drugs, it's like well...I have to do drugs one way or another. I can't just be me. =|

I'm diagnosed with PTSD, depression, mood disorder NOS, poly substance abuse, mania, generalized and social anxiety.
I get like diagnosed with a different disorder every day in mental hospitals. The last one tried to label me just bipolar and ADHD. ;/
I don't really trust psychiatrists. N It's not like I can pay to see one anyways.

I'm stuck... I don't even know what's wrong with me. But life is harder than it should be. I know I'm mentally ill but I dunno what to do about it. My drug problem is like...all I have. Cuz it's not like I have the money to do fun things that aren't intoxicating. Or a ride to go anywhere. Or bus money even. Being poor as **** is depressing. I can't think of what to do to replace doing drugs.

[v214k]

Use the drugs to help you get ahead... How do you feel when you're on them? I was abusing xanax a LOT after my brother died and believe it or not my drug abuse actually helped me do things in my life I never thought I'd do. I left my parents house... got a new job working from home... started making alot of money and here I am 2 years later "living the dream". Well it looks good on paper at least... but I owe it all to xanax.
Don't just sit there next time you're on drugs.... do something with your life!! I know I'm much more outgoing on drugs... They give me this drive to get ahead.

[Mouse_]

I don't think recommending the use of drugs to another is a good thing to do. For me, I had to quit chemicals, they may have given me the energy to get stuff done, but that was only because I had to justify their use, and inside they were doing physical damage. If we are getting dx's why using chemicals they are pretty redundant because addiction masks a lot of dx's. Try quitting and then decide what you feel is best for you pp.

[madisgram]

hi polly and welcome to pc. thank you for your honesty about your drug use. that is a step in the right direction. for me using d/a only complicated my situation.. it made me feel helpless and hopeless. it sounds like you feel the same way as i did when i used. have u considered asking your parents for help? or attending a 12 step recovery program. they are free for the asking. imho it may help you, jme. there are many of us that have felt as you do now. there is hope. the drugs are telling you what you want to hear or telling you this is the only way for you to live your life. they are only masking the real you. i hope you will get help for your drug useage but only you can decide if you are ready. keep us posted and know that you matter to us.

[notz]

Polly,

Madisgram is right on. This is a good start for you. Keep posting.

notz

[pollyboo]

I should go to rehab. =|
But I don't really see myself 100% sober ever. I kinda don't want that since I'm not really ADDICTED per say.
Maybe I should jus go to learn to be sober-minded again. Before I was n did alot of drugs...then I grew to jus do drugs cuz there's really nothin else to do. But some people said they didn't quit but rehab helped put everything in perspective. Like how it was before when you first started doin drugs.

N the drugs I do don't really help. They're just kinda an escapism. Like trippin or bein drunk or high. Not really uppers to help me get things done. Jus things to have fun and kill brain cells and suppress almost all thought. =/

I think I just lost myself. Not necessarily a drug or mental problem. But both? Or maybe not knowin how to deal with my issues. Probably the latter.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by pollyboo

I should go to rehab. =|
But I don't really see myself 100% sober ever. I kinda don't want that since I'm not really ADDICTED per say.
Maybe I should jus go to learn to be sober-minded again. Before I was n did alot of drugs...then I grew to jus do drugs cuz there's really nothin else to do. But some people said they didn't quit but rehab helped put everything in perspective. Like how it was before when you first started doin drugs.

N the drugs I do don't really help. They're just kinda an escapism. Like trippin or bein drunk or high. Not really uppers to help me get things done. Jus things to have fun and kill brain cells and suppress almost all thought. =/

I think I just lost myself. Not necessarily a drug or mental problem. But both? Or maybe not knowin how to deal with my issues. Probably the latter.

many of us can relate to your using to escape. but what we are really doing is denying ourselves the opportunity to live. jme, but i wasn't really living...i was exisiting, to be chained to the bottle in my case. it dictated everything i did or did not do because i was drinking. i isloated, i lost hope, i became chronically depressed, i lost the meaning of life. life without d/a has so much more meaning to me now. i cherish each and every day. when i was using i could have cared less aout life.
it's good you are posting about this. perhaps you will find the answer i did. clean and sober.
i did utilize a therapist that understood addiction too. he gave me coping skills to understand the issues that made me want to excape things. once we addressed those self sabotaging feelings it helped me stay sober. i replaced those false feelings with real feelings.
please let us know how you are doing cause we do care about you!

[notz]

But I don't really see myself 100% sober ever.

What percentage sober would you like to be?

notz

[Lenny]

Sobriety IMHO, like pregnacy, is not a matter of degree...

Your honesty is refreshing polly. Everything boils down to a decision. When you decide that your life is pure hell,,,then you will seek heaven. Until then you will be rationalzing your existence...

I know this because I did it for decades....

I hope your battle with yourself is shorter than mine..

With Care,

Lenny

[pollyboo]

Originally Posted by notz

But I don't really see myself 100% sober ever.

What percentage sober would you like to be?

notz

Like 80% at the least?
I used to get **** done n write my essays n when everythin I had to do was done I'd reward myself with drugs. Sometimes. N I had other stuff to do besides drugs. I like macro photography but winter sucks. I don't wanna go outside in the first place. N winter in general is bad lighting n just depressing shades of grey. N I used to have a reptile collection. I've been on n off homeless n my babies are at my friends house right now. I'm at my parents house temporarily n we're way too poor to have anythin else runnin up the electricity bill. I like goin on walks with my dog. N I like goin to happycore raves. But they're all in NY. Or Philly. DC is jus DnB n breaks. Or ****** progressive house or trance. Fancy electro. =/
I don't want a job. Not even to support my habit. I'd rather be poor n happy than miserable n supporting my habit to relieve misery. I hate having a job. It's so soul crushing n I don't really feel it accomplishes anything. Except for money, but that's not somethin I really need. I mean I guess you do if you're sober but sober people just tend to waste their time with mindless distractions like TV or shopping or the like..
I'm tryin to transfer to college. Which I think is a good investment. N I'm serious cuz I only have one more shot at it n I'm not gonna **** it up this time.

I've always been responsible. To an extent at least. I never let myself hit rock bottom. Because I know when I'm headed that way n slow down? Not to mention I hate feeling like my body is destroyed. That's why I'm stuck in drug limbo. I'll never **** up my life enough to really NEED help. I'll never want drugs THAT badly to steal or pawn things or bum money off of people. I think I'll always be stuck in drug limbo. But I should be a bit higher up. Or more grounded? Not sure in this case but slightly less drugs n more of a grip in reality. I don't think I really fit into one extreme or the other. Completely sober or completely a junkie. I don't think either are the path for me. But a happy balance n to keep my head up n pointed in the right direction. And in the right reality...

[pollyboo]

I'M GOOD!!!
I just hadta get rid of pot.
N I stopped takin my antidepressants.
Cuz they helped...n then they really didn't do anything. Then they started makin me REALLY depressed. Even more than before I took em. So I stopped n I feel really good!
Especially without pot. Downers suck. I'm already unmotivated n depressed n **** that jus brings me down more....brings me down more.
Uppers are the way to go!! Except for E.
N a few enlightening psychadelic experiences. But uppers have consequences. They make you feel HORRID. Like that afterwards OMG I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN FEELING. Which kinda pushes you to be sober by complete choice. Till a couple weeks later. But gettin f'd up two or three times a month really cuts back n puts me in that state I wanna be in. Able to party but not have it consume my life n focus on other things. I'm gettin one of my reptiles back today!
N I took up drawing again. I wanna learn to liquid dance too. So yay. I feel really positive. I'm good. Plus I'm gonna set up a psych appointment n start seein a psych once a week. Well it's after already but I'm definately callin tomorrow. I found a better solution I'm good for now. =]
N if this plan doesn't work out it's back to tha drawin board. But it's workin.

[notz]

pollyboo,

I like the idea of you setting up a psychiatric appointment. Based on what I've read I think you might need a little help working on things. Going it alone is for the birds! You owe it to yourself to make that appointment. We'll be here for you every step of the way. First thing tomorrow, make that call, ok sweetie?

notz

[busyasabee]

You need to press your reset button and start over from scratch. If you change the way you look at things, the way things look will start to change. You need to take baby steps. Set small goals and accomplish one goal at a time. Start by cutting strips of paper and writing one thing you want out of life on each strip. Their is no limit to the things you might want. You could potentially end up with 100 strips. When you run out of goals or wants, try to organize them into an order as to what you want first, second and so on. We can get so overwhelmed when we try to look at the bigger picture and it can seem like we will never get from point A to point B. So start by only focusing on the first strip of paper until you have accomplished that goal and then move to the second and so on. You will be amazed at what you are actual able to do.

As for the medication, I am not a doctor but you probably need to see a doctor and safely get off all medication, get reevaluated and gradually start over.

[pollyboo]

I jus stopped. I mean seriously what's the worst that can happen OH MEDICATION WITHDRAWAL OH NOEZ. WORST type of withdrawal evah!!

I have some. I take like 2 or 3 thorazines if I can't sleep. It's weird. Even tho I stopped I have like a super high perma-tolerance to meds. Like I've been off xanax for a couple months n when I'm having a panic attack a .5 will do like....nothing. I have to take like 2 or 3 grams to stop freakin out.

I found that out already. While I was trippin I realized I lost all my bones. =[
I'm tryin to collect all of em again. I only have a few. But my bones are who I am essentially since I kinda lost that. I thought about startin over from scratch n I don't wanna do that. I like who I am n what I'm into. I don't wanna be a normal boring dredge of society. I don't wanna stop doing drugs, or stop raving, or stop tagging, or stop drawing, or stop listenin to happycore, or stop being a freegan, etc.. I just wanna get my **** together.
N yeah...I'm tryin to transfer to college when I move up to albany again n get a degree. then get a job n etc...
N yeah...I need more goals. N not jus big ones that take years to accomplish. Like some day to day or week to week ones too.
But yeah...post it notes of **** you need to get done work for me. =o