[whoswho]

Is it rude to run out of a crowded store when your mom is trying to purchase you a present?

Is it slothful to refuse to exercise the dog for fear of being seen?

Is it demanding to ask a relative to run some errands because you are too scared?

...But perhaps I cannot judge them, for they could not see my frightened eyes.

And now they know that something's wrong, that I'm not simply lazy or selfish or rude. I'm a coward.

I'm completely and utterly terrified to leave the house, my sanctuary. I am congratulated when I put out the effort to see my psychiatrist and my therapist. But isn't that the least I could do? Can the spark of life be lit by the unnatural brightness of florescent lights? I have to do something.

Yet, nothing can make one feel so small like being lauded for retrieving the mail 10 steps outside the front door. A well-trained dog can do that, too. Have I really become that useless? If I'm non-functioning, does that mean that I'm also disposable?

I am so, so scared of everything. The world is too large, to fast for me. I can't keep up.

Where do you find the courage, the strength, the endurance to push forward? My hope has been crushed by this unyielding anxiety and I fear that I will be trapped in this prison--my house--forever.

[lynn P.]

((whoswho)) - one thing I can say about you - is you're a good writer. I enjoyed reading your post. Of course you're not disposable because you're non-functioning...you're just sick ATM. How long have you suffered with this problem? I like the term 'slothful' - next time my 12 yr old says she doesn't want to do something I'll say "don't be slothful" lol. I hope things get better for.

[whoswho]

Thank you lynn P. for your encouragement. I'm so embarrassed and self-conscious about my posts that I don't get around to doing them very often. I want to be more supportive of people but am too afraid to say anything...

I've had some form of social anxiety probably since the beginning of high school that's gotten progressively worse over time--especially in the last six months or so. My family tried to plan a trip to Disneyland for my high school graduation this year and I pleaded with them not to make me go. On the way there, I had such horrible anxiety attacks that they finally canceled the trip.

I feel like such a failure in every aspect of my life. I'm debilitated by these irrational fears of prejudice and humiliation. I want my life back! I can't understand how a walk around the block or a trip to the supermarket became so terrifying! It is as though every breath I take is wrong; each step I make subject to jeers. Let me become invisible so as to avoid cruelty's cold embrace!

[Maven]

My anxiety has had peaks and valleys. I've been housebound, and in fact, I sort of am now, because I can't go out unless my boyfriend opens the door for me, and he's my only transportation.

I know how you feel, being forced to go where you feel too anxious to go. I was forced on trips when I was young, and had some pretty bad experiences.

If I may ask, are you on medication? The right meds can make all the difference in the world.

Hello, whoswho. Tell your treatment team the treatment is not working. You might even consider printing your posts here for your psychiatrist and therapist. You do not have to suffer in silence. Ask that something else be tried to get you back on track.

Good luck.

[whoswho]

Never mind. Forget I started this thread.

Thanks for all the replies everyone...

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((whoswho))))

Why did you make that last post? the nevermind one?

Just know that no one thinks badly of you...I'm with Byz on this...your treatment is not working whatever it is and it needs to be changed for your own benefit...

You are not a coward you as LynnP said are sick at the moment and need help...if things aren't improving maybe being treated as an inpatient would be the best thing for you?

Let us know how you are going

[sanityseeker]

Hi whoswho... I hope you don't mind if I chime in with some encouragement for you. First I want to thank you for your signature quote. So true. Social anxiety really is an endurance test.

Several years ago when anxiety really took a strong hold on my life I was totally incapacitated. I couldn't leave the house without feeling like I was going to pass out from the strain. After I conquered going out the door I barely made it to the mail box and back without falling down. I couldn't drive so if I had to go to the doctor or the counsellor I was seeing at the time I depended on a family member to take me. I know what you mean about feeling trapped, useless, non-functioning and even insignificant. I used to say to myself all the time that I was a waste of air. I felt so defeated and I was sure that was going to be my reality for the rest of my life. I went to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up again.

I can tell you that it can get better. You will get your life back again. It won't always be like this. I still have anxiety but I am functioning much better then before. Crowds will still trigger me. Just today I had to leave the pharmacy because there were too many people in there and waiting in line at the check out was too much for me to manage. Fortunately my son was in the truck so I put the purchase down and went out to get him to go back in to wait in line to pay for it. It is what it is and sometimes situations just get the better of me.

I remember when the most I could do was get myself to my counselling appointment twice a week. He would praise me for getting there and I would just think how pathetic that such a basic move would earn such praise. I guess it was a big deal at the time and I guess his praise was a way to show me I was able to overcome one step at a time.

Take your therapists lead and praise yourself each and every time to press the walls of your sanctuary. Don't judge yourself for what you can't do but do praise yourself for what you can do. It isn't about what you think you should be able to do. Don't even let yourself go there with the judgement. Just work your way from where you are at now. If walking to the end of your drive way is difficult then dance for joy when you do it. Who cares if everyone else in your world could do it without any strain. Its a big victory for you and that is all that counts.

Victory on top of victory is a big part of getting back what you feel you have lost. Every victory needs to be acknowledge in order for it to ignite another victory. Don't judge yourself. I know I am repeating myself but the judgement thing is a huge defeater. You have to let it go. Set goals that are reasonable and don't demean them with judgements.

I am driving again and coping in most social situations. I am still protective of myself and I still say no to invitations more often then I say yes but I am getting more and more confident in my coping skills everyday. I know I am hypersensitive to noise and crowds and while my family is encouraging me to move closer to where they all live I think I am better in the smaller and quieter town I am now living in. I honour my limits and I resist the temptation to judge my incapacities or to cave to what I think I should be able to do when I clearly can't at this point in time. I celebrate my can do's and set my can't does as future goals or unnecessaries I can function without.

I consciously praise myself whenever I do anything outside my comfort zone. If I need to ask for help I don't judge myself for it I am just thankful I have someone I can ask for help. My son is a great helper to me and I have even started to realize that my family is more supportive and willing to provide me non judgemental help then I ever imagined.

Give yourself time to recover and find your strength outside your current comfort zone. It will happen. You will get your life back one step at a time.

We know what you are going through and we know you can endure the journey to where you want to be. Let us be here for you to keep encouraging you one step at a time.

[whoswho]

Thank you everyone for your continued encouragement. I suppose it's now quite apparent that I become discouraged easily...

I've only recently began seeing my T and Pdoc and they're having a tough time nailing down a diagnosis and finding medication that work. I don't know if my medications aren't working or if I haven't given them enough time to take effect. I'm having a hard time being patient. Each moment of darkness is another moment of my life wasted, an irretrievable piece of time thrown away into this bottomless pit of isolation...

Right now I have a supply of clonazepam for panic attacks I have on a daily basis... even without doing anything "triggering," I am afraid even in my own house...

It just makes me so sad that, for all this time, my family assumed that I was being rude and ungrateful--even when I've told my parents my fears, they think I am only joking at times: "Why are you scared? It's not like there's a boogieman waiting for you outside!" But what's even sadder is that I would rather let my parents believe that I am a melodramatic, selfish, lazy, terrible daughter than for them to patronize and poke fun at my innermost self.

Maybe I don't belong anywhere and should just be alone.

But, sanityseeker, I will try my best not to sell myself short: when I step out onto the sidewalk, instead of reproaching myself for being afraid in the first place and for being useless, I will try my best to celebrate my achievement... Thank you for providing me with a little bit of hope to look forward to...

[sanityseeker]

It is good that you have a pdoc and therapist to work with you. Give it time and do the work. With determination and a good grasp on hope you will see things turning around.

Family can be tough. They don't get it because they don't live it. That's why this place can be so valuable. We all get it because we all live it. It can help to fill some of the void.

I am proud of you for pushing forward and continuing to post. Feel free to PM me any time. Sometimes replies on threads don't come fast enough but don't dispair just keep on keepin on.

Yes celebrate each and every achievement. It is the fuel for the next step to take one at a time.

[whoswho]

Once again, thank you everyone for continuing to respond. It is so helpful for me to know that I'm not just crazy making this up...

I was so desperately hoping that I would be better by now but I think I'm only stagnating. I did actually manage to walk to the mailbox yesterday... I could feel myself wanting to slip into the cracks in the sidewalk as the neighbor pulled up right next to me... It's odd... that for those brief moments I saw the cloudless sky and the newly paved cul-de-sack, part of me wants to simply run through the long grass barefoot like a little kid. But then I remember that I do not belong in the world and no amount of longing will change that fact...

I am so tired of being alone. All this time I've been little more than a dust mite occupying space in this dark, dark house...

I am so worthless; I just want to be useful again.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

I'd love to be able to walk down to the mailbox...but we have a new neighbour and I don't want to run into him

Hey ((((whoswho)))) you are worth as much as everyone else. I know that at times we feel that we don't, and that is usually when we can't see what we are contributing to the world...but you contribute on here and this is a world...you support a lot of people on here..and that is valuable...please don't forget that...

[Bill3]

I just want to be useful again.

Good job walking to the mailbox. Try every day for another small step back toward your useful life. Celebrate each victory, no matter how small it may seem to be.

[CliveWild]

Whoswho,

Whatever coping stategies you develop are fair. Looking after your own well being is paramount. Don't worry how your behaviour affects others. If they care, they will understand. When I am struggling more than usual, If something concerns me I say "If in doubt don't do it and look after yourself".

Good Luck. You are not alone...

Clive

[whoswho]

I'm sorry. This monster is just too much. I can't fight this anymore. I give up.

[sanityseeker]

Please don't give up whoswho. I haven't been here much so I missed this until now. I am so sorry you are feeling so defeated right now. That is such a lousy place to be. I hope you can start to feel better soon.

It is so hard to keep on keepin on sometimes. So hard to find that something that can turn things around. So hard to find something to give you a little bit of hope.

Don't give up. Find reason to feel positive about something. Any little thing with do to get you started. Keep adding to the list so that you can know there is reason for hope.

You are not alone and it can get better. Work it the best you can one day at a time.

Thinking of you, take good care.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((whoswho))))))))

Hope you are feeling better. We all suffer this way and we know how hard it is for you. Take little steps and work your way up to where you are comfortable...

Rhiannon

[muncie]

whoswho, I was in your shoes in my early twenties. Left my job due to an anxiety provoking situation with a co-worker. That was the last straw, had been struggling with anxiety throughout my teens. Pretty much homebound for 2 years. Slowly I emerged from my cocoon just as you have been advised to do, one step at a time. Now as an old lady in my 60's, I find everything in life is relative. For example, if your life were to suddenly change where your help was necessary to someone who depended on you, much of what you're feeling now would be put on the back burner. Healing will begin when you change your focus. Whenever our main focus is turned inward, we are our own worst enemy. Think outside the box. For one thing, you're an excellent writer. During this time of healing, why not try writing. Like painting, you may find it self-fulfilling. I feel there are no cures for sensitive, emotional types. But these feelings can be managed and controlled to an extent. Believe me, you will not stay in the place you are now, every decade of life presents new situations. What is so disturbing to you now will fade in time with new challenges to meet. One priceless thing you have is time. Many years left to grow and learn to be comfortable with yourself. Be patient, if I could recover so can you.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((whoswho))))

[Neurontin]

Yup...I built a prison for myself too (my home)...but little by little Im putting myself in those situations that cause me the fear and panic to RUN, RUN, and RUN somemore..They call that desensitizing...(I think)..Ive been running from everthing...but Im trying with the little things...ie..throw out garbage, get the mail, and the dreaded, going to the store for milk..anyway its all about the baby steps and self-talk...all we could do is try..good luck

[whoswho]

Thank you everyone for the support.

I'm sorry this reply is so late; I didn't forget about all of you lovely people but was instead in inpatient treatment for the last week or so. It was an awful transition from being entirely housebound to living with 2 roommates, being surrounded by nurses and doctors and therapists and other patients 24 hours a day--not to mention any means of communication with the outside world--but I seem to have come out of it alive and better than before. That, or the hospital wanted to get rid of me because they didn't know what to do with me.

Thanks, muncie, for the advice. I am supposed to start college this fall and I was hoping that school would be a good "change of focus" for me. But I've frightened my parents so much with my behavior lately that they want to keep me home--which is understandable. Either way, I need to find something to keep myself occupied.

So, right now, I have to be sure and get the mail EVERY day (therapist's orders!). I'm pretty embarrassed about this "assignment" because it seems like a trifle, and I have to keep reminding myself that it's OK to start small. But still. It gets to me sometimes.

Anyway, I will try to keep better updates with how I'm doing if anyone cares to read them. Thank you all for your patience and understanding.

[Perna]

whoswho, maybe you can take a college course online? That might give you a reason to go out to the library or something, help your mind change focus. Idaho has great at-home programs, I took one in Idaho and Pacific Northwest History and got credit from my Maryland University!

[whoswho]

Yeah, I'm considering a gap year from my college. It's 2500 miles away from where I live (which might be a good thing, I already feel anxious being home for one day out of the hospital). I've already paid the bill and I'd like to go, but considering the state of affairs I'm in...

I was thinking of a non-credit community class at the nearby community college. At least it's something I guess. I'm really worried about "messing up" things (i.e., I can't get a job because I'll "mess up" somehow and get fired; I will go to college and "mess up" and flunk out, etc.) so a class that doesn't count for credit might actually be good for me. I don't know. It all depends if I can ever make up my mind on anything.

...And I had a bad experience at my library and am terrified to go back there. Even though I love reading...

I am really SICK of being afraid of things before I even do them. I get so caught up in anticipation I hardly try anything. I'm so frustrated with myself right now!

[muncie]

whoswho, good news!! Going inpatient was a huge step for you; that takes courage. Sometimes parents can be overprotective, mine were. In some ways it can hinder your progress, but on the other hand the love and support of family is priceless. In time, you may have to be more assertive with them as you find your way. College courses would be an excellent choice for you. But if that has to be put on hold, volunteering is another option; hospitals, libraries, churches or schools. You can name your days, and if one situation isn't for you, just try someplace else. What's nice is no strings attached. So happy you're feeling better. You're going to make it. If I could crawl out of that deep hole I was in, I know you can too. Don't be discouraged, it takes time. Also, please know that after I returned to the real world in my twenties, my anxieties never returned to the extent where I isolated myself again, and I'm in my 60's now and retired. I learned you have to fight to stay well. And believe me no one is a bigger coward than me. But you have to feel the fear and do it anyway - this was my inspiration and changed my life. Sending good wishes and hugs your way. I care about you.

[whoswho]

Wow, muncie, your signature really says it all! Thank you for all the encouragement.

I'm still having trouble finding motivation to do things and I really don't know why.

And I'm so anxious because my T wants me to work on making eye contact with people which I'm terrible at. I don't even want to go out for a walk because of the chance that I might pass someone on the sidewalk and have to, heaven forbid, actually look at them. And I'm so ashamed of my appearance that I don't want to be seen, anyway.

Ugh! I'm so confused; why am I thinking this way again? It's like I'm sliding backwards all of a sudden.

Tomorrow, I'm really going to try to get out for more than 10 stupid seconds. No matter how ugly I think I look. No matter how afraid I am. No matter how painful it is. I need to do something. I can't just sit back after working so hard--going through inpatient care for goodness sakes--to let myself slip back into old habits.

This is all so crazy! I hate this. I hate being like this. I am so wound up and frustrated and I know that I really, really have to do something more but I'm completely terrified even at the thought of going someplace... but I'll go. No more excuses. Because someday, I can get better... right?