Husband just got suspended from his job

ok, thanks Dottie!

Anyone else? I feel like I have to be careful about crossing the fine line between "wife with valid concern" and "nag"...

LMo -

Your husband's ex-boss sounds like a control freak!!!!!!!

EJ

4:30 and he still hasn't called. He's up, but hasn't called.

What do I do about this? I can't FORCE him to call, but it seems grossly unfair.

Hi,

There is something bothering me about the unemployment thing.

Did your H got fired? Here where I live, if you get fired you cannot have unemployment. Maybe he knows that part and that's why he don't even bother to apply.

Well, we looked it up. He was fired without cause. At least, he was not told anything about it being related to his job performance. Oregon is an at-will employment state so there does not need to be cause in order to be let go from your job, but it DOES affect whether you can apply for unemployment.

I'm new to this unemployment thing so we'll see what they say when he applies. My opinion is that he should call them and run the situation by them first, but considering that their office closes in 20 minutes and he hasn't shown any indication that he's planning to call, I'm guessing that won't happen.

His typical response to pressure and anxiety is to sleep and procrastinate. It drives me insane, because my reaction is the exact opposite.

What should I do?

Ugh. I just talked to him. He said he doesn't know if he wants to apply. I carried all of the expenses for 3 years when he was depressed and didn't work -- I don't want to have to do that again. I pay too much in taxes to do it again.

He also clammed up when I tried to talk to him about it. I was careful to use my "I" statements and express that I feel like I'm really in the dark about what he wants to do. He visibly got angry that I was trying to talk about it. All this in front of the cleaning lady, although having her there prevented him from erupting.

I am so frustrated. I can't talk to him about any of this

When he clams up, what happens if you ask him to set a time when he will talk with you?

Thanks for responding, Sarah. I've tried that -- I don't feel like our conversations have to be immediate. He never re-initiates them later and if I bring them up at the agreed-upon time, he clams up all over again. I've learned that he is extremely sensitive about discussion regarding his career. Fortunately, our T is really good about helping him set baby steps to push past the triggers. All in all, he did better today than he would have in the past. He was clearly angry, but he did use a few more words than normal.

Sigh.

((((((LMo)))))) What a challenging situation to be in!

LMo, i can feel your sadness through all of the little wires and tubes and screens and such that it takes for me to read your post. i wish i could do something to help you. this is such a bummer for you. i hope that he'll have a turn around and get up off his duff and get out there! xoxoxo pat

Thanks, Pat and Sarah

I like the irrational behavior call by Pat about Shane's boss.

EJ

Boss' irrational behavior stings and stinks!!!!

EJ

Yeah, some of you might remember the dealings that *I* had with his boss when he offered to sell me the shop. I know from firsthand experience that the guy is moody and says one thing one day, then takes the completely oppositive POV the next. In fact, I wouldn't doubt that the negotiation played a part in what happened to my H, although I did a good job maintaining a professional demeanor despite his rollercoaster decisions and communication style.

Gosh LMo...there are so many ways this could go and not knowing your husband, I can't offer too much in the way of concrete help.

You mentioned your/his T. Would it be possible to arrange a session soon and get this hammered out?

Also, and please tell me if I'm crossing any boundaries, is your husband on any meds that could lift the anxiety...at least long enough to handle this?

Most of all, my thoughts and prayers to you hon. {{{{{LMo}}}}}}

Hey Azalysa - thank you so much for supporting me on this. You're a good egg - I appreciate it.

I have a call in to our T. I'll be out of town this week but hopefully H will make it in to see her without me (although he usually doesn't). He's on Lexapro for depression/anxiety and Strattera for ADD. Both meds have helped him immensely. I'm not sure what more he can take, or if he even should take any more meds. The reason I put this post in Anxiety is because of MY anxiety about him and his situation! ;-)

Thanks again for the support, all of you. It means a lot to me

I tried to respond here last night, but my computer acted up and lost it. LMo, I have been thinking of something and I don't know if it would fit for you guys or not, so just consider it food for thought and no more, okay? I noted that you mentioned a housekeeper, and wondered what you pay the housekeeper? Also, how would your husband feel about and do with maintaining the house? How would you feel about paying him what you pay the housekeeper?

I have a brother-in-law who has been out of work for a few years. He's a chemical engineer (phd) and my sister is a psychiatrist. My BIL doesn't seem to be looking for a job. He writes crossword puzzles and submits them for publication, and has had one published in the years that he's been trying. I think they might have paid him $100 for it. They still have their son in daycare. I guess my point is you're not alone, and there's more than one path to a woman with a career and a husband who is at home. My BIL could find another job if they were willing to go to where he managed to find one, but my sister doesn't want to alter her career to accomodate that. I bet there is more to the story that I don't know.

Rap

That's an interesting idea Rapunzel...and I heard from one of my former co-workers that a male manager at my former company (who had been there quite awhile) resigned to be a house-husband for the kids because his wife makes a lot more money than he does.

It seems to be in vogue

You think it might be something your husband would consider, LMo?

**Keeping our thinking caps on**

You guys are so sweet - thank you so much for thinking of ideas for us. We tried the house husband / cleaning responsibility thing the first time around - didn't work. It was humiliating for him to admit to anyone that he wasn't working, not matter what kind of justification we came up with. And from my perspective, I don't want to be responsible for him. If anything ever happened to me, despite my life insurance, he'd still need a way to support himself, and easier for him to figure it out in his early 30's than when he's 50. Morbid, I know but I always worry about what would happen if I died.

I am at the airport right now (using free wifi on my cell phone!) heading to the east coast for a business trip, so he'll have the week to himself. He still seems in good spirits but I have skated around the taboo subject of 'job'. It really gets my goat to not be able to ask a reasonable question like that, but I am under T's orders, so so be it. Thw Wellbutrin is kicking in, maybe, or else I'm too busy and tired to get too worked up today. I picked up a used book called 'Wherever you go, there you are - mindful meditation in everyday life', inspired by my dear PC friend Kvinneakt. I'll have a bit of time to myself to do some reading and see if I can learn some quick ways of recentering when it feels like the world is spinning out of control.

Thank you, friends

So glad you are getting some time to yourself even if it is really busy. Sounds like good inspiring book too.

Hi again - I'm home sick with a cold today so I finally have a real keyboard to type on instead of my cell phone/pda, so now I can give you an update. Except there isn't much of one

Things really haven't gotten any better. I was out of town last week and even though I had prepared my H's tax returns, he didn't mail them on Monday and spent the rest of the week beating himself up about it. He didn't answer the phone, didn't respond to my emails, and basically didn't do anything while I was gone. No job search, no housework, no other kinds of projects and no unemployment. I'm starting to suspect that if he applies for unemployment, then the pressure is on to apply for jobs and that's what's preventing him.

He had a T appointment today and although he left the house on time, he "forgot" about it and I tracked him down at the lumber yard. He missed 40 minutes of his 1 hour appointment.

I don't know what to do. I have zero influence on him; in fact, the more I try to help, the more he digs his heels in and resists progress. I guess it makes him feel worse to accept help from me. It's just such a self-defeating way of operating -- the more he avoids, the worse he feels, then stuff piles up and he feels overwhelmed, so he avoids... and the cycle continues.

He seems to be okay right now but god forbid I try to talk to him about his feelings. I did want him to go to therapy alone today so that he could feel free discuss this stuff without me around, but even that backfired.

I'm just so sad, helpless, and I guess Wellbutrin is working because I'm not so much feeling anxious as I am resigned to the fact that I might be looking at supporting a highly intelligent, grown man for the rest of my life. I love him so much and don't want him to feel bad for even a millisecond, but at the same time it feels like the walls are caving in and I'm becoming trapped but there is nothing I can do about it

(((((( LMo )))))) I sense your pain and feelings of helplessness (wrote more but deleted)

Thanks - please don't delete anything you want to say - if it's advice, I definitely need it.

... and now he's outside working on building our new fence (although it's kinda getting dark). I don't get him. I mean, it's good - I'm glad that he's out there and isn't feeling so bad that he's on the couch or in bed. This is a POSITIVE sign... one that is very different from his last MDE. I guess he's trying to keep his head above water rather than sinking, but sometimes it's harder than others. I guess I can understand that.

If he were feeling really awful right now, he wouldn't be out there, so I'm going to cross my fingers and hope everything will be ok...