[*freak*]

I've been mentally ill for a long time now, let's say for as long as I can remember. My main problem is social anxiety. It used to be so bad, I've been completely avoidant of every kind of social contact for years. I still have periods of time when I isolate myself completely from the rest of the world.

All this isolation has made me kind of different in many aspects. I eat differently, I dress differently, I cut and dye my hair differently. And I also find most people irritatingly dull and shallow. I don't understand the formalities, the useless chit-chat, the fake politeness of the "How are you?"s that are required in our society. I don't see the point of asking somebody I don't know and don't care about how they're doing and then hearing their "fine, thanks" that will inevitably come since it's not socially acceptable to say anything else.
And just like this I don't like having to say that I'm fine when all I can think about is how to conceal the fact that I'm shaking or the fact that I've been crying for the past X hours or that I can't stop thinking about the hopelessness I feel inside.

And I'm so tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of trying to fit in at all costs. Trying to behave like everyone else when it's obvious by now that I'm NOT and I never will be.

I couldn't handle school. I barely graduated high school and couldn't go to university. I can's handle job interviews. I can't get help for my mental problems because none of the countless so-called professionals I've seen ever took me seriously. I know it sounds unbelievable, so I'll give an example. I have been suicidal for years and after my last suicide attempt my psychiatrist came to see me in the ICU and asked in the most incredulous tone why I tried to kill myself.

And again I'm tired of not being understood. Tired of trying to abide by the rules of a society created by and meant for 'regular' people. I'm not made for their world and I'm tired of trying to live in it. I will never be able to live like that. What can I do? Where can I go? How can I survive? People everywhere around me keep saying that suicide is not the answer to anything. Well then, what is? What are my alternatives? Go live in a cave and live off of mushrooms and berries? Because I'm trying to think of some alternative lifestyles and so far I haven't come up with much.

Sorry this turned out so pessimistic, I'm just feeling so trapped atm and I'm in an awfully bad mood. Thanks to you if you've read this, freak is grateful

[KeepGoing8]

Hi freak, I feel you 100%
I try to deal by living my life by my own values and moral guidelines. After 27 years I have come to accept my identity as a "social misfit". A friend I crossed paths with in school shared that concept with me. There are actually a LOT of social misfits in this world...it's just the Norms and their Norm society that dictate those behaviors that make us feel like lonely freaks. There are some places in this world where the social misfit is embraced and even celebrated: usually, cities or towns with a thriving art/music/alternative-lifestyle culture: NewYork, SanFrancisco, LosAngeles, Paris, Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Berlin, Adelaide, Portland, Santa Cruz, Savannah, Austin...(those are the ones I can think of...and that's obviously just the tip of the iceberg!). And if cities aint yo thing, all kinds of folks choose to move "off the grid": able to completely remove themselves, and their economic contribution, from a society they do not stand behind. Many of the most successful artists, musicians, and thinkers are socially awkward, depressed, bipolar, etc.
It takes a diffent kind of mind to break out of the homogenizing confines of "normal" thought and behavior, and create something new and unique...and that "something" can be a life created to fit your dreams and desires as a unique human being. Just because a lifestyle hasn't come to you yet doesn't mean that with some research and an open mind, you won't soon find the "perfect thing" for you
Wilderness forest ranger? Self-employed artist? Traveling musician? Computer engineer?
The possibilities are endless! Just remember that when your depressed mind is telling you the opposite
And p.s. Unfortunately there are as many f'ed up therapists out there as there are f'ed up people, but if you stick to your guns, get rid of the Ts that aren't helping you, and keep on keeping on...you might find that rare one that listens, understands, and can do their JOB well for you. I am currently trying out a new T, my first male one, after 5 pretty useless therapist experiences. He seems cool! This could be the one...?
Good luck to you

[Puffyprue]

i remembered the first time i went to go to see psychiatrist , there's one lady she is a lecture in famous university here and i waited there for an hours before my pdoc came, i dont want to talk to any one at all because i knew here in my country if you go to psychiatrist or psychologist mean you are crazy , but unfortunately i cannot avoid her , she is there waiting for another doctor, so we talked , she was asking me why iam there, and i said i waited for my Pdoc to comes , and she just " have that looks and say... ouh but you look pretty normal , and then continue with but i think we never know my friends daughter also looks normal like you but she is ..you know ..crazy ...i just smile politely ( i want to punch her face and broke her nose )and she left i bet she must afraid of me .. " crazy people"
And thats not my only story ...but ..who cares iam crazy so what? i am define myself not you

so...

[Morghana]

I have fairly similar issues with talking to people and feeling alone. I've never gotten as far as a therapist or suicide, though I've thought about it quite a lot. I find refuge in writing, reading, and just plain keeping busy. When I'm upset, I rant like you did up here, but I do it in a diary. Sometimes, I try to write fiction or poetry, even though I'm pretty terrible. The point is to find an outlet for your emotions. If you can't do it through talking, I think writing is a good alternative.

You probably won't like this suggestion, but maybe you should take a community college class. Find something that interests you and only meets a few times a week, especially a class that has a lot of students and doesn't require much participation. Maybe you'll meet people who share your interest and then you can talk about that instead of shallow small talk, or maybe you won't, but at the very least, it will give you somewhere to go and something to do. For me at least, boredom and loneliness are two of the worst things.

Last plug: in high school, we had to read this awesome book called Man's Search for Meaning. It really changed how I saw the world, and maybe it would help you, too. The first part of it is about the author's experiences in the Holocaust, and how he developed a new form of therapy that's about looking at the future rather than the past. The second part of the book is about his experiences with the therapy and how it works. It's very easy to read, but it's enlightening, quite honestly. I think it's inspiring thing I ever read.

[Trippin2.0]

Granted I don't understand social anxiety (I get normal anxiety tho) do you think that maybe you could work with a T or group to feel more comfortable in your own skin? Coz then maybe you won't be so caught up in fitting in. To me standing out is WAY better than fitting into some mold (invented by who exactly) and there are ALOT of people who share that sentiment. You don't have to be part of the crowd, and you don't have to have neon signs on you either (unless you want them) but I believe that you should be proud of your different hair and different dress sense, it's part of what makes you unique. I understand that this might be difficult right now, but I hope you can believe it some day, and embrace who you are.
.
Take care

[loocoti]

I totally get what your saying. My thoughts on "normal" people are this...who is to say what is really "normal" anyway! Who made the decisions on what is the norm and not the norm? I feel like a social misfit myself, but who is to say I am? I don't like small talk either. I find that it is a waste of time. I would rather indulge in deep conversations but have no one to do that with because most people just say things that are surface related. I'm sick of societies opinions about people who are different than they are. Who are they to say we are the abnormal ones. Maybe its THEM. Maybe they are the abnormal ones! My thoughts and feelings are my own and i happen to think they aren't so crazy. But of course others might. I recently terminated with my therapist because I was sick of being viewed as some crazy misfit. I will go be a misfit all by myself. Its a lonely existence when no one else "gets" you. I do struggle with wanting things I know ill never have...day after day I find being this way of living depressing but have just come to the acceptance that its my life. I don't know the answer, but I understand the struggles.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by *freak*

I've been mentally ill for a long time now, let's say for as long as I can remember. My main problem is social anxiety. It used to be so bad, I've been completely avoidant of every kind of social contact for years. I still have periods of time when I isolate myself completely from the rest of the world.

All this isolation has made me kind of different in many aspects. I eat differently, I dress differently, I cut and dye my hair differently. And I also find most people irritatingly dull and shallow. I don't understand the formalities, the useless chit-chat, the fake politeness of the "How are you?"s that are required in our society. I don't see the point of asking somebody I don't know and don't care about how they're doing and then hearing their "fine, thanks" that will inevitably come since it's not socially acceptable to say anything else.
And just like this I don't like having to say that I'm fine when all I can think about is how to conceal the fact that I'm shaking or the fact that I've been crying for the past X hours or that I can't stop thinking about the hopelessness I feel inside.

And I'm so tired. Tired of pretending. Tired of trying to fit in at all costs. Trying to behave like everyone else when it's obvious by now that I'm NOT and I never will be.

I couldn't handle school. I barely graduated high school and couldn't go to university. I can's handle job interviews. I can't get help for my mental problems because none of the countless so-called professionals I've seen ever took me seriously. I know it sounds unbelievable, so I'll give an example. I have been suicidal for years and after my last suicide attempt my psychiatrist came to see me in the ICU and asked in the most incredulous tone why I tried to kill myself.

And again I'm tired of not being understood. Tired of trying to abide by the rules of a society created by and meant for 'regular' people. I'm not made for their world and I'm tired of trying to live in it. I will never be able to live like that. What can I do? Where can I go? How can I survive? People everywhere around me keep saying that suicide is not the answer to anything. Well then, what is? What are my alternatives? Go live in a cave and live off of mushrooms and berries? Because I'm trying to think of some alternative lifestyles and so far I haven't come up with much.

Sorry this turned out so pessimistic, I'm just feeling so trapped atm and I'm in an awfully bad mood. Thanks to you if you've read this, freak is grateful

Hi. I'm one of those people who probably irritate you because I greet you and ask some dumb question. If I tell you why maybe it will make you feel a little bit better. Other than the people I work with, you might be the only human being I talk to. I get up, get on the bus, work, come home, go to sleep. The only human contact I have is on the bus and at work. I talk to my cats but sometimes I just want to hear a human voice, one that is not going to be mean to me like they so often are at work. I'm genuinely interested in people's fashion choices and when I see a beautiful garment or an interesting tattoo or a great hair color or hair cut, sometimes I blurt out how much I like it without thinking that the person who has it couldn't care less whether I like it or not. One last thing I'd like to share and then I'll stop bothering you: the world isn't 'normal' or 'regular' -- it's filled with 6 billion + individuals, all with their own burdens, joys, and unique characteristics. You sound ideally suited to a job that others might call lonely: night watchman-woman, park ranger, working in a lab, painting, I can think of tons of things. Good luck and courage! Love your own unique you-ness.

[dailyhealing]

Thanks for posting this! I suppose from the outside I look like one of these "normal" people you speak of. I have a job, I'm married, have 2 kids, blah blah blah. And many days I'm happy now. And I also have a mental illness (depression and anxiety) I think there are far more people who suffer than any of us realize. I know when I told many of the people in my life that I suffer from depression they did not have any idea about it. I, like many of us, am a good actor I suppose. So you never know who is suffering from this illness. I think there are many people who have it also but have no idea they do.

Anyhow, I always get interested in this conversation of what is "normal". I personally feel there are enough of us who suffer from MI that it is fair to say we are somewhere in the realm of normal. I certainly don't think we are abnormal because we suffer.

It took me a long time to be able to come out to so many in my life about my depression. I can now say there are multiple people in all areas of my life (work, home, socially) who know about my illness that I feel just a little bit less alone. I also know that I was not ready to take this step until I was 42, and had worked very hard on these things for over 20 years. So many people I told about my illness have told me about their own struggles, or someone in their family having depression, or a friend/family member who has committed suicide. Nearly everyone is touched by this illness in my opinion, it's just still taboo to talk about it for some reason. I hope that changes someday. Having the illness out there doesn't mean I don't still have my depressive and anxious symptoms at times, it just makes me feel a little less alone and like I am pretending to be someone else when I do. I feel compassion for you *freak* (I feel weird typing that, because i don't think you are a freak ) I hope you are feeling better soon and thanks for bringing up this great topic.

[Flipside]

Freak, I relate to a lot of what you say. Like you, I hate "useless chit-chat" and feel that I don't fit in. I came to this forum because I feel that my difficulties dealing with the rest of the "normal" world are too much to bring up around the people I see every day. I'm not even great at sharing with my family. I have good friends who have their own difficulties in life, so why do I want to burden them with mine?

It sounds as if you struggle with purpose - at least that's what I feel when I have doubts that I can do anything worthwhile for the "normal" world. And when we get depressed or hopeless, we lose interest in things we used to like, so it's harder to really connect with what might be good in the world. I think more people struggle with this than they let on. And I've learned over the years that there are a lot of different places all around the world and sometimes the people who make the loudest noise will make you think that you're not "normal," but that's not the truth.

Best wishes

[*freak*]

Thank you all for your replies, I can relate to so many things that have been said here.
I'm making arrangements to go to Northern Europe for the summer and live in eco-villages. Last year I spent the summer on organic farms and I liked it, so this year I'm bringing the experience a step further. It's hard because of the damn social phobia but that's also why I feel I need to do this. In a community like that where people live and work together I'll be forced to socialize

And it looks like I need to explain a few things that are not 100% from my original post.
IceCreamKid: I didn't say that I'm irritated by people just because they ask me how I'm doing. What gets on my nerves are all these social conventions that I find useless and hypocrytical. For example. When you meet someone you have to say it's nice to meet them, ask how they're doing and shake their hand, all of this while making eye contact. Now, 90% of the time it's not nice to meet a person: I either don't know yet if they're nice or it will turn out later that we won't get along. Aside from this, I have a slight fear of germs (that used to be severe), so shaking hands is quite unpleasant for me. And about eye contact, well that's something I've always found extremely difficult and even though I can force myself to look people in the eye it's still far from a feeling I'm comfortable with. But imagine what would happen if I behaved like I really want to: no handshake, no greeting, staring at the floor and whispering an unconvincing "hi".
You can't deny that this would be considered unacceptable. Just like you can't deny that our society's rules are based on a certain standard that someone like me can not reach.
I'll give another example. I've been having some problems with the website of my credit card company. The only way to get assistance is by calling them. I've been putting this phone call off for months now because I have phone phobia, another wonderful aspect of social anxiety. And I could list many many more incidents like this one, where I had to give up things I needed because I couldn't bring myself to do what was required, which is something everybody else wouldn't mind doing at all.

This is what I had in mind when I said I'm not like most other people and I'll never be able to conform. I didn't mean that those suffering from a mental illness aren't normal, or anything along those lines, AT ALL. What I'm saying is that everything around me is made in a certain way and I happen to have a problem with most of it.
I hope my words didn't offend anyone, that wasn't my intention, but I'm sorry if they did.

Thank you all again for your replies, I appreciate every one of them

(((Flipside)))
(((Dailyhealing)))
(((ICeCreamKid)))
(((loocoti)))
(((Trippin2.0)))
(((Morghana)))
(((Puffyprue)))
(((KeepGoing8)))

[Open Eyes]

((((freak))))),

While reading your posts I can see that you are well read and CAN put your thoughts together and share them VERY WELL. Do you see that here? That is important for you to recognize here in this thread because YOU CAN DO THAT WELL.

What you are discussing about the simple exchanges that take place as human beings go about their daily lives and meet others,"How are You?" etc. Those are what we all have designed to allow us to have access to be "apart of", verses "not a part of".

You have to try to keep in mind that human beings ARE designed to thrive together to ensure sheer survival. It has pretty much been this way since our beginning. But the other thing we all have to realize is that while we are all a part of being human, we are all unique in many ways. If you go to a mall and just sit and observe people, well, we sure do come in all shapes and sizes as well as different skin tones that were basically an adaptation to the environment and sunlight etc we were exposed to.

Now if you really consider that no two people are exactly the same, you have to realize that our brains are that way as well. Yes, we have a similarity with our brains just as we all have a similarity in that we are human. But the bottom line "freak" is that we are all unique. If you go and sit in the woods and stare at trees? Well you will NOT see two trees that are the same either. Yes trees all share certain needs to thrive and survive, but the rest is UNIQUE as you can see that they all grow differently and some of the most interesting ones to look at are those that twist into different shapes at they try to reach up to the rays of sunlight that they need to survive.

You have named yourself "freak" thinking that you are "not" normal or somehow you are not acceptable in what you say is "normal". And you talk about mental illness as something that sets you away from "normal" interaction. But the truth is NO ONE IS JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE and everyone has something that they struggle with somehow. These common greetings you speak of are merely the human way of doing one thing that is needed, "some signal of allowing to be a part of" verses having no way to invite that to take place.

There ARE children that do present with social phobia at an early age. But it has been proven that when they get the right support to help them to learn "how to better be a part of", they do learn just that, "to be a part of". And in all honesty? If you were to be able to sit in a mall and listen to the inner voices of all these unique people you can see, you would come to learn that their thoughts are much like yours.
So in ways, you are more "a part of" than you realize. And there is more mental illness that "is a part of" being human than we all realize.

Something to think about,

Open Eyes

[IceCreamKid]

Oh, Freaky, you didn't offend me. I felt bad at the idea that maybe I was bothering people when I tried to talk to them. I understand what you wrote: I have phone phobia too (I feel better somehow knowing I am not the only one) and I do not like shaking hands, and I have to strongly resist the urge to wipe my hand on my hip after I've been placed in a situation where I must shake hands. I don't like to be touched (hugged, patted on the shoulder, etc) by anyone other than my son. If you couldn't look at me when I greeted you I'd make mental note of it and keep my greetings short and in passing. I too find the "nice to meet you" phrase awkward and prefer "How do you do?" which really does not require a reply other than to repeat it or to say "Hello." I have had to cope with other people in order to make a living and it has been very difficult; I don't doubt that my depression is not only a cause but a result of this. But because of the extreme loneliness I felt and the need for a spiritual connection to people I still like to, and will continue to, greet people. But thanks for giving me insight into how it could be perceived. I think your plan to go to Northern Europe is wonderful.

[Phoboxyl]

I'm not sure what to say. But the moment I start to really believe what freak is saying is the moment I kill myself.

FREAK, that isn't acceptable man! You aren't a loser or freak, you are sick. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that being a permanent outcast is somehow "okay" or a "part of you". You can and WILL get better. I know you can do it. I can do it. We all can.