SO EMBARRASED!

I have suffered from anxiety/panic disorder for over 10 years now. I thought that I had been doing well warding off the panic attacks.

Tonight was Bingo in the apartment community where I live. I have went the last 2 times, and only mildly embarrased myself mildly. Tonight I decided I would be ok, even though my Pdoc increased my Valium last week. Mostly I live in an Elderly and Disabled Apartment building. There were no more than 10 people in the community room for bingo, and I picked my seat in the corner table facing the room, clear escape path, and my back to a wall. I thought I could do it. Then it started the coughing, I took a sip of water trying to overcome it. It was too strong. Right in the middle of numbers being called I held in the coughing and bolted out of the room and to the outside exit. I sat on the bench coughing, feeling so upset.

After about 10 minutes I shamefully went back in to the room, and put away my things, gathered my things. And in almost a whisper said that I wasn't feeling well. Now here safe in my apartment just 3 floors up. I feel so humiliated. I can't even be in a room with 10 elderly folks to play bingo.

I am better off just to stay at home like usual. I have no idea how I have become what I am socialy impaired to the point I can barely verbalize myself in a conversation.

Thanks for listening

Take Care,
Kris

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

Try not to feel this way Panic is a formidable foe. I still have great problems with choking on food. It's finally to where, if I'm eating alone, even in the restaurant, I probably won't choke. BUT if I'm trying to be with anyone... forget it. Once I was in uniform and had to can the "regulations" and tear off the tab and open the collar. The other officer there was expecting to have to do cpr or heimlich on me... we had to leave, with all other officers in mess watching...

I used to be able to give speeches to LARGE audiences. No way now.

Please don't give up. Especially in the setting you are, they will understand if you give a brief explanation, and ask for their understanding. Maybe you could go and not plan to play, but stay only a few minutes and leave before any "problems?" That might begin to reprogram your inclination for panic?

I'm still thinking about this...

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>

Thank you SkyBdark,

I can relate to the eating. I am glad that your are able to eat without choking even in a Resaurnt, that is great. I understand about eating with other people and having anxiety. I do not eat in Restaurnt's hardly ever. I always have the feeling they are watching me. I am able to eat in a slow paced sitdown type place, but only with my parents. Mostly I am one of those people who go through the drive thru and eats alone in the car.

I have made alot of progress with my panic, it was the first panic attack for awhile. I have them at home, only usually in my apartment I can stop them. I had a very hard time for awhile I would go to the ER at one point 3 daus in a row, thinking I was dying. I haven't been to the ER once this year, compared to about 37 times last year. I have started to identify things that I am not able to do at this time, places, situations and such.

I do thank you for understanding

Take Care,
Kris

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

Kris,

I hope you are feeling better .....hugs to you !!!!! My heart goes out to you.

Hey Kris,

You know it's up to us to find something positive out the things that happen to our friends. You got up, you got ready, and you went to bingo. You found a safe place to sit where you could leave quickly (good thinking), and you did your best to hang in there. So you didn't make it, this time. But look at what you did accomplish! You got there and got a seat, what a great start. maybe next time you manage to stay for a game. And then two. These things take time and an incredible amount of hard work. But if you take things at your speed, and use baby steps, I think you can do this.

Don't ever give up on you Kris. I believe that you can do what you set your mind to. You're stronger than you think!

I'm pulling for you,
Greg

Thanks Greg,

I plan to go next Thursday. It seems odd to me how that embarresed me, yet today I am seeming less embarresed about it than yesterday when I was buzzing all around the lobby filled with anxiety and hypomanic. Maybe because bingo is like formal. But looking at yesterday being so anxious and no sleep Thursday night I was just running around talking to everyone who would listen oh well, they no I have a disability and no one has mentioned it today. Thanks again

Take Care,
Kris

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

wow can i relate!!! although not by the choking, just the fear that ANYTHING that will draw attention to me in a room full of people and I will fail and that is so embarrassing that i want to die (not literally). I used to be a dancer at bachelor parties when I was younger and thrived on the attention (of course I had to catch a buzz first to control the intense anticipatory anxiety) but I loved all eyes on me, and now, I run from it every chance I get. My "trademark" if you will, isn't choking on food, I get this shaking in my cheeks that causes me to have a hard time smiling. So when I'm at a party and everyone is laughing except me, it looks like I'm upset, but really I just don't want anyone to see my stupid shaky cheeks or they will know I'm freaking out!!! Good luck

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kris}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thinking of you,
Take care,
Fuzzy

don't feel embarrassed about this , it happens to all of us who suffer from anxiety. Just keep pushing yourself forward. And face the situations that make you anxious, the more you do it the easier it will get. Believe me, lol, i'm the master of avoidance, and I was told that I was from my shrink , lol ... so I know that by avoiding the situations that make you anxious, will make you worse the more you put off.

Keep your head up hon, and don't feel that way. Just keep pushing forward, and remember to breathe.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

*comfort hugs* I understand. You have great clarity in the way you express yourself online! I think that will be one of your great assets We keep workin on it, and we'll get better.

Kris,

I'm sorry that happened to you at Bingo. I only have very mild social anxiety, but I have always had a fear of being embarrassed in a group. One time I was out to dinner with people my age (30's) and people of retirement age, and I was doing well through the whole night. After dessert, the waitress brought the bill and somehow it got handed to me (no idea why... cruel trick from the Universe...) and I had to try to figure out what everyone owed. I'm terrible at math and I started having a panic attack right there at the table. I didn't know what to do and I know I had the oddest look on my face. I tried to give the bill to my husband (a math wiz) but he wasn't understanding what was happening to me and he kept telling me I could do it. Finally out of sheer desperation, I flung the bill at him and said angrily, "You do it-- PLEASE." All eyes were on me and everything got really quiet. People didn't understand what I was feeling and some comments were made that caused me even more embarrassment. It was one of the worst moments of my life. I wanted to crawl under the table and melt into the carpet, never to be seen again. And the worst part was, I didn't know at the time that what I was experiencing was social anxiety so I couldn't explain it to my husband or my friends at the table. I felt so alienated and stupid and freakish.... then I went into self-loathing mode because all I ever wanted to be was strong and confident. And most of the time I can pull it off in social situations. I'm funny, somewhat articulate, fairly interesting, etc. But it can turn on a dime and I'm tongue tied and blushing, my heart beating wildly, unable to make eye contact and feeling like a complete idiot. I hate when it happens and I don't know how to prevent it.

What has everyone's experience been with using anti-anxiety drugs?

Hugs, Kris. I hope you can enjoy Bingo soon (and win!). Maybe repeating a mantra in your head while you take deep breaths will help. Something like: we are all the same. we are all the same. we are all the same.... or: I am strong, I am valid. That has helped me in recent situations to have confidence and avoid embarrassment.

Hope everyone is having a nice holiday weekend.

-k.

Thank you all for the support. Your kind words brought tears to my eyes. More so than that of the fact that I could not recall making this post until reading it.

I do not go to bingo anymore, though have decided that it is due more to my ADD than Anxiety, I just cant sit in the quiet and pay attention as the silence starts my mind to go which end up causing me to have thoughts of myself and the feelings of that they are thinking this or that about me. Then I end up triggering anxiety from the silence and lack of ablility to pay attention.

Now, once a day I sit in the small lobby in the main entrance and visit with the other residents. I find it more enjoyable than bingo as I am free to talk and there is no wait for the event to officialy be over. If I start to feel uncomfortable I am free to go to the elevator and up to my apartment. No worry of leaving before as a scheduled activity, time to be over.

I am somewhat agoraphobic, I am working with my T on this though she feels I am making progress of the fact that I have kept a schedule of leaving the apartment and the building and driving to the store or running daily errands at 2 in the afternoon everyday for about an hour. Once A week I go out of town on Fridays after my home session with my T/caseworker to my Mothers house and spend the night until Saturday then come home.

When I leave the car is my back up home or safe place where while at my Moms I spend alot of time in the car. The car brings me a sense of safety in the fact if need be I could flee to my apartment if necessary. I find myself learning more and more each day how to battle the anxiety and fear. And feel that everytime I step out the door and leave my home is another days progress though this may sound like the opposite to others it is what works for me.

To be honest My social anxiety reaches to this forum and on line communication with people on line. I must say if the anxiety in anyones life starts small, and begins to interfere with daily life, seek help through a Therapist. My anxiety started small 10 years ago and throgh lack of support and Talk Therapy it has progressed to the state in which it is today. As with and disorder, early treament is the best way to keep things from becoming progressivly worse, over time.

Thank you all for your support and for taking the time to read some of the things and such of my anxiety disorder.

God Bless you all

Take Care,
Kris

I wish hope for us all

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

have you tried zoloft?

People know a little about everything and alot about nothing.

Thank You ((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))

Take Care,
Kris

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

Thank you for the words of encouragement and so sorry I didn't reply sooner.
((((((Sundance)))))))

Take Care,
Kris

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

Thank you for the ((((comfort hugs)))) Estersvirtue..much appreciated I can always use hugs..

Take Care,
Kris

If you think you have totally gave up, you haven't, because you are here!

Don't worry about replying sooner, it's alll good I hope that you are doing better. Take care Kris.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>