Anxiety Daily Check-In point #5

Mornings are just the worst. After waking up felt very anxious again. Now in the afternoon it's getting better. Work was better today than Friday. At work I was confronted with people who seemed to suffer worse anxiety issues than I do. I tried to help the best I could, but it's not easy. Tomorrow I don't work. I have a course in the morning in another city. It's in the morning, so I'm not looking forward. I know I'm going to have a lot of anxiety again. On the other hand, if I did not have the course I would be home alone all they which is also a recipe for disaster. Difficult!

Poor daughter only had 1½ hours of sleep after driving with her best friend down to Kentucky to send his brother off to school. Her boyfriend is making Szechuan pork stir-fry for lunch so I'm staying out of the kitchen. Thankfully my husband and I already had lunch.

Really restless later this morning so I cleaned out the portable AC unit and swept the hallway and kitchen. At least I got my husband to get us drinks and treats so I can get out of the house for a while. I also was doing some writing. Now playing with music while waiting for gabapentin to kick in. I have a feeling I may have to change when to take some of my supplements so my other meds can work better.

Other than the restlessness I'm doing okay. I'll make dinner if the kitchen hasn't exploded by then with all the spicy stuff.

I'm not feeling anxious today which I think is a very good thing. I plan to check in everyday so I can keep track of when I do feel anxiety so I can see the pattern and notice if anything sets it off.

Very anxious today. Not sure if I'll ever lose this feeling! I drove to a park earlier today and started reading the Book of Psalms. I thought i might find some comfort, but instead I felt even more abandoned than I already was feeling!

I woke up 10 minutes before we had to leave for my first appointment. I knew that would happen. But I just took a shower after the blood test. So it worked out. I got out of my second appointment more then half an hour before my shift started.

But my anxiety was really high today. I felt like my blood pressure was through the roof. My heart was pounding almost all day. I lifted a heavy table at work. My heart was beating fast and I was sweating. I was worried I was going to have a heart attack.

I feel better now though.

I started taking this but during the day. I don't think I'll try at night considering what you've said. Not sure I have sleep apnea, but I do have issues.


So yes, with the aid of Clonazepam, I've been doing a bit better. Stressors are still there though and im tired so it doesn't take it all away. Would be weird if it did, I think. I dunno. I'm tired. Been on and off a sleep aid as well. It helps. It's practically necessary these days, but I'm not wanting to take too many drugs without supervision. Was supposed to try for a few days then stop, I think. See the pdoc this week.

Wow I am in the midst of panic. I can feel my body full of adrenaline, and I'm shaking.. I'm anxious about going to work, about my nursing exam tomorrow, about restricting calories, sleeping, and fighting the urges to drink.. and I don't know how to turn these thoughts down. It's just all consuming and I have no capacity in my brain to think about anything else.

What a busy day!

Woke up to my husband being angry that my daughter left a glob of hair dye on the hardwood floor in the half bath. A lot of vinegar and baking soda, and some sanding, later and the stain is out. However we can't just put a dab of polyurethane on the spot and call it good. My husband said we'll have to have all the floor sanded down and refinished. Another house expense I didn't see coming.

My appointment with pain management doc went well, but in all the hubbub of this morning I forgot to take my muscle relaxer so I was in a bit of pain. I told him about the swelling on the neck and how I stopped PT until I had that resolved. He gave me another referral so I can do that. I'm good on meds so I'll see him in two months. The place was broiling, so I came home and took a shower before lunch and my appointment with trauma T. That was really good. Progressive muscle relaxation and guided mediation after that really calmed me down. I hope she makes a CD of that--apparently a lot of clients asked that. Came home again and tried a new strawberry shortcake recipe after unloading the dishwasher. Taking a short break before starting dinner--whew!

I was nervous about the hair dye stain but much better after some physical work and meditation I feel pretty good. Just hope I sleep well tonight.

Had a mini panic attack at my pdoc appointment today. Otherwise I wasn't too anxious.

A bit busy this afternoon through now doing Excel assignments for my college class. I'm going to stop soon so I could shower and relax.

Still having restlessness but keeping myself busy with things.

^Restlessness and anxiety could be from different things if I understand it correctly, but you tend to update on it all. Guess sometimes i do too, so its cool. But I'd say I have restlessness and anxiety or just one or the other.

Didn't really have much anxiety today. Maybe I was restless. I was definitely irritable from afternoon through evening. But no, I didn't need Clonazepam. At least i didn't take it.

Pdoc says I can use the sleep aid daily, if needed so that reassured me. Also worried about talking about some dark stuff with her, but I did it and she validated it. Feeling a little better and I got my AD prescription back. Technically I still had/have the Zoloft, but now I can take it again (I've permission). Will update on that as I use it.

I didn't sleep well last night. Maybe only 2-3 hours. Woke up a few times with tachycardia. I need to stop making myself crazy. I have problems in my life that should normally be solvable, yet in my mind they are impossible barriers (I'm the only one thinking that).

Yesterday I had to block my credit card because my data has been stolen (including 800€). It was just that little bit I needed to go full crazy in my mind.

I feel shame, yet I should not be ashamed. I have my emotions interfering with my rational thoughts.

I'm looking a lot at old pictures, thinking how easy life used to be. Probably not realizing the problems I had back then. Will this every stop? When will I be happy with the things I have in my life?

I feel that my heart beat is irregular every single day and it's kinda creeping me out. I am on an analeptic and betablocker as well. But my irregular heartbeat won't go. Is that why my pupils dilate and palpitate all the time?

I have a lot of anxiety right now. It is impossible to pick up the phone and for the life of me I can't bring myself to listen to my voice mails.

I have restlessness from akathisia, so that's what I usually mean when I say that. I keep it different than anxiety. No worries though.

----------

Been at hospital most of the day. Found out my PCM is leaving for a fellowship in August, so I will probably get a new resident. Joy. Meanwhile, the doc I saw didn't have a clue what the lump on my chin is either, so he's sending me to an ENT specialist next week. All I really need is a formal ultrasound...ugh! They're thinking a problem with a salivary gland though so we'll see. Picked up my Lipitor from last week and my husband got his blood pressure med. That took most of the afternoon, with us getting some small stuff and coming home in time to feed the cats. One hour left before I start making dinner. Yay!

Thankfully I see regular T tomorrow afternoon and that's it. If the room stays cold I may crawl back into bed.

I shouldn't be worried because no one found anything bad with the lump, but I am.

It was terrible all day. I shouldn’t have had that coffee though. The cotton candy I’m eating now isn’t helping either.

Worried about the undergraduate degree admission process... oh now I am completely doomed.

After having terrible anxiety and non-stop negative thoughts about life, work, and my boyfriend, I'm finally coming around.

Not sure if that was PMS-related; I mostly think I have difficulty practicing mindfulness. I can't remember the last time I simply enjoyed something in the moment. I used to listen to music every night, listen to all the little details, it was complete euphoria, and for the past few months music has given me anxiety. I think I'm finally coming around, but usually when that happens, something terrible sets me back and I'm all anxious again...

I am trying "Joy-Filled" herbal supplements, which contain St. John's Wort amongst other things, which may or may not be helping? It's only been a couple days... we'll see.

Daughter will have a job once she completes training. Yay! Her boyfriend had his interview for the bank today. Don't know how he did yet.

Got through therapy, but now akathisia and tardive dyskinesia are kicking in again. Just trying to calm down so my lips stop puckering and I don't eat everything. I so need to call my pnurse.

The morning wasn’t bad. The trip to the grocery store was bad. I have no idea how I managed to work at that store for 1.5 years. Work was stressful for the first 3 hours. I was working with someone from a different store. I couldn’t tell if she was overly nice in a fake way or if she had legit issues. She was talking to herself alot. At one point I guess she had misplaced something and she said “it must be lost in space.” I wasn’t judging her it was just anxiety provoking working with a new person and just being at work in general. I started feeling better around 6:15.

Had a panic attack today, but got through it by myself and didn't tell anyone. Been having normal stomach processes but I always think its something worse and that's giving me anxiety. Also will be starting a new job soon, so I'm rather anxious about having panic attacks on the job.

Yesterday was better. I'm taking metoprolol now for migraine prevention and it also seems to block my body response to anxiety. Still, mornings are worst. And I hope this effect doesn't wear off like the benzo's.

I also figured out the problems in my life giving me the anxiety. I also know possible solutions. I'm scared of the solutions. And it's difficult to do actual action. My way of seeing certain things in life and experiencing them is also problematic. I still have a lot of work to do.

Parents fought. Showed bit of emotions. After the crap stopped hitting the fan, I logged in here.

Cause after all I have to pass time all my life now.

(copied from biplolar checkin)

So... preparing for house guests in 3 or 4 days. My biggest concern rigth now are the upstairs a/c units. (we have central air but it doesn't cool enough upstairs). My concern is that with both of them running, we might trip a breaker. This is bad news because it shuts off the power to the whole upstairs. And my biggest concern, I will have trouble sleeping with this terrible anxiety and the whole visit will be difficult as a result. I'm trying desperately to kick the worrisome thoughts, but then on top of it, we get a heat wave predicted. Sigh But I'm trying. Gotta hope that it works out or there will be some solution.

If that wasn't anxiety, I don't know what is! But I'm hanging in....or not. *sigh As I type this there is more to stress about. Might have to increase the dose of my anti-anxiety med. hmm