Do you need to feel guilty?

You will find your own way in the "journey" of your life. I always thought I was missing out because I did not marry or have children. I ended up getting married in my late 30s. I thought I was missing out on something. Found out I was not. I do not regret the experience - and learned about what I really value about myself and my life.

It took awhile but I live by my own standards not what others or society inflicted on me. I did not know that at 25 yrs old. Work on your own way.
You will meet others that share your same interests and struggles.

Yeah I guess. It's just so....I dunno. I know the life you describe because I am alone up until now and there were times I enjoyed it, but I'm tired of it. I still feel love and other feelings very much (as you know from my previous posting, the girl I love) but my damn outer image betrays me, it makes me look all stoic, cold, heartless and as though I like being alone. Meanwhile my inside self is crying out, just wanting to be loved and to love too. In me I am a young vibrant man who wants to enjoy life and love. This condition (ASD) is most terrible and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I guess I'll just always be alone . Maybe I deserve it, I don't know.

You do not deserve it. Sometimes the "outside" is not always "apealing" to others...consider someone very over weight or someone that...for whatever reason does not have a nice face or very tall or very short, blind or in a wheelchair. Anyone can work toward meaning...everyone has their insecurities. There will be people that come to understand "who you are". I do not have many close friends but I do have a few. That is what is important. These friendships took time to develop.

Tell me the things you like about yourself.

I wouldn't say "Apology" is necessary, since it is not something intentional or even anything that was in yourcontrol. An explanation maybe, so they could understand the situation and know that it wasn't anything personal against them and that it wasn't deliberate. My family is better equipt to handle me and not take offence now that they know and understand that I am bipolar. Before we knew, they thought I was just mean and hateful or really mad at them during my episodes. But now that we know it's a chemical imbalance beyond my control, everyone copes much better about it. We even laugh together about some of the stuff that I do at times. It strengthened us as a family to be able to understand WHY these things happen, and it relieves them from feeling like they did anything to cause or deserve my behavior. If you we"re epileptic no one would blame you for breaking a vase during a seizure, would they? Why should mi's be treated any differently than any other illness? It shouldn't! Personally, I believe that if all the "norms" knew just how many of us they associate with every day, NOT knowing about our dx and still get along with us, the judgements and stigmatism might just stop. I like to let people get to know and like me, and then tell them my condition. Then they can see for themselves that not all people like me are not a threat to them. I think it promotes awareness that way and causes people to re-think they're misconceptions about us.

No sweetheart, you're still young enough to find what you're looking for! And when you do it will be everlasting because you waited for the RIGHT one and didn't rush into anything. Trust me! The best things in life are worth waiting for!! I'm old.......I know these things! Lol

I don't see that at all when I look at you! All I see is Gorgeous! And you're personality only inhances that!!!

Oh I can believe it, I get feelings like that more often than I'd like I just try to fight or ignore them but it can still persist. I really do feel like an idiot sometimes and feel pretty horrible any time I perceive myself to have messed up somehow.

But either way for your mental health you should try not to be consumed by that guilt because guilt sucks.

Interesting because my H places guilt on everyone else but him & my psychologist said that was very normal. He always has an excuse for why things are the way they are & never takes any responsibility for what happened. Any time questioned, the answer was always "I don't know" or "Whatever"......so honestly, I respect you for taking responsibility when it is appropriate.....it's important to learn that there are some things you might really NOT be guilty for but it's important to be able to distinguish the difference. Taking responsibility doesn't mean being consumed by guilt either.....it's important to learn those fine lines & sometimes that's the difficult part.

I often feel that Ive hurt people just by being inconvenient and that is painful for me to remember. I have problems because my husband is so caring and silly I often get angry for no valid reason or find myself at the receiving end of someone's anger w/o knowing how I got there. Trying to figure out what caused it turns into obsession. A
So long as you apologize once and are sincere I think it could help. Multiple times can be overkill and feel forced. I guess it depends especially since there are no specific situations shared.

when i was about 2, i remember running into the livingroom from my bedroom and my mom was screaming and motioning her hand near her face and yelling at me "ive had it up to here with you!!" .. i was so confused.. i couldnt figure out what i did, but i kept trying to pat her on the leg and say "sorry mommy" ... still to this day, i cant figure out what i did.. there were other times like that as well.. just with different people, and different words.

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I have tried to contact one person with whom I had a "situation". I only got diagnosed after the "situation" and tried, after two years, contacting the person again because I wanted to explain everything and apologize again. The person removed all contact from me, ignored me and will hate me for the rest of my life. The feeling really sucks because all I want to do is make things right and I'll never get the chance. I didn't even know I was "sick" and I didn't actually do anything wrong. I simply came off as too eager perhaps and now this person hates me forever. I didn't know the right social cues, what to say, etc. I just jumped in the deep end. Oh well, guess I deserve to drown then.

i think its her problem. youve tried to make amends but she is the one deciding not to hear you out, or to respond. honestly, youre the mature one and shes the childish one. she doesnt deserve any more of your time. (i know that may not make it feel any better, but youve done what you could to make amends, now its on her.)

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I don't think I can blame her. I am probably so scary and weird to her that she just doesn't know what else to do to get rid of me. I think it is like that with everyone. Maybe they are too afraid to get rid of me verbally and prefer to use a non-verbal message that I will get soon enough and then take that as my cue to leave them alone from that moment on. I can't blame them, I know that I am not cool enough and just too different for them to accept me. That's an OK enough reason I guess and I can't really expect people to like me. I mean it's not like I deserve their respect or time, I have to earn it, but given everything that's going on, that is probably impossible. I mean who do I really think I am? They don't owe me time or respect. Nobody has to give me anything that they don't want to give.

They are great people, and if I want to be in their space, I need to be great too. I can't expect them to lower themselves down to my level just to make me happy, that's not right.

I can see the things that you think you can't show.

I think youre a awesome person, and you care a great deal for even people you have never even met face-to-face.
i think you deserve good things and people in your life.

I agree! He truly is awesome! And he has been a lifesaver and a Blessing to me!

Thanks guys, you guys are so kind.

I feel really lucky and blessed that you guys can see me as such.

I have to thank you guys here on PC, because I have seen for the first time in my life a group of people who actually care and offer true support, and consider me as worthy enough of your time and effort. I don't think I could have asked for a better group of people to hang out with on a daily basis.

I don't know what the future holds for me. Some days it feels like all my problems were just a bad dream, and I'm ready to live life, and some days it feels like everything is going to get a lot worse and I will be bounded hand and foot by chains of never-ending torment. All I know is, whatever happens, I never want to lose you guys here at PC.

You'll never lose us! We are lucky and Blessed to have you too!