Hey guys.

So, been having this problem the last year or so and it happened recently again.

I would start up an initial friendship with someone and things would seem to be going quite well. Then, in order to remain in contact with this person, we exchange contact details, to which there is no resistance, the other person willingly shares their phone number, etc. and then so do I of course.

Thereafter comes the issue. Together, we would set up some kind of arrangement to meet again, whether it's over a coffee or a lunch or whatever. Then, one of two things happen:

1. The person says they are just too busy to meet, and cannot even cut off 5 minutes they are so busy, or

2. They are really keen and we set up the meeting, and then I get all prepared and excited for it.

Both options happen about 50/50. If option two comes about, what happens is the person always cancels on me on the day or just doesn't show up only to say later that they just had something really important to do and they forgot about it. So, I say no problem, I'll let them tell me when it's most convenient for them and then they must just let me know when they want to re-schedule, to which they sound very happy and keen.

As you have probably guessed by now, that call/message never comes. I am left deflated and feeling rejected. I have no idea what went wrong during the whole exchange and all I have for a reason is that person was busy at the time.

But, what about afterwards? Are they still busy? Many people have told me that it's just "this week" specifically which is busy but the week after they will be free and then we can happily make an arrangement, to which I say sure, just let me know. Several weeks pass after that, even months, and the call never comes.

So, that can only mean I am either very forgettable as a person and don't mean much to them, or they see an opportunity to get out of the potential agony of having to be friends with me.

At the end of the day, irrespective of any reasons or whatever, the bottom line is I don't form a friendship and I remain alone.

So, this is how I get rejected. It's subtle and indirect, and people do it as if it's nothing, they just were too busy and just forgot.

It's almost like if I say nothing, then they will say nothing, and the whole thing will just die a quiet death. It's almost like they wish I will not remind them, so I don't. They said they were going to call anyways. I can see it in my mind already, they sit there hoping and praying I will not contact them, so then I don't.

So, I guess I would just like to know, did any of you guys ever experience something similar before? Could this be related to my Aspie behaviour coming through somehow in our conversations? It seems strange that I am the common denominator in each case.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

We deserve to be treated like we mean something. I don't know why people act this way, either, but they do. I wish people would just come out and say it, if they don't want to get together. It is their responsibility to say so. Also, to cancel at the last minute, to act like they forgot, to not show up (ugh!), or to not even make time to get together *and follow thru*, that is very inconsiderate, IMHO. Yes, it leaves us alone. But they are doing something wrong, not us. They are not acting very committed in the friendship or very responsible. It's bad enough if they are too busy to make time, it is worse when they cancel at the last minute.

This is just my own experience; this has happened to me, too. If it's because of me, I realize that it is their responsibility to tell me if they want to be friends or not. We all deserve to be treated with respect.

Again, my own opinion and my own experience.

I hope you can make friends who can act more mature and more responsible for their issues.

Carol

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

We deserve to be treated like we mean something. I don't know why people act this way, either, but they do. I wish people would just come out and say it, if they don't want to get together. It is their responsibility to say so. Also, to cancel at the last minute, to act like they forgot, to not show up (ugh!), or to not even make time to get together *and follow thru*, that is very inconsiderate, IMHO. Yes, it leaves us alone. But they are doing something wrong, not us. They are not acting very committed in the friendship or very responsible. It's bad enough if they are too busy to make time, it is worse when they cancel at the last minute.

This is just my own experience; this has happened to me, too. If it's because of me, I realize that it is their responsibility to tell me if they want to be friends or not. We all deserve to be treated with respect.

Again, my own opinion and my own experience.

I hope you can make friends who can act more mature and more responsible for their issues.

Carol

Thank you so much for your reply Carol. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that same thing too, it's horrible, isn't it?

I once confronted one of the people who did this to me, and after stalling for two weeks, she finally agreed to speak with me. I told her I have autism/Asperger's and that I'm sorry if I come across weird. She said it was in all likelihood my being overweight and fat that pushes people away because she says it shows I don't love myself, and nobody wants to hang out with a person that doesn't love himself/herself. She says that I can't make friendships with people because they are scared I'm going to die halfway, and can't walk down the beach with them, so they prefer to only make friends with people who live a healthy life, because they don't want the person to die, but rather be with someone healthy enough to stay alive with them. That was her explanation anyway. Then she told me I should consider a vegan diet and a raw food diet because nobody likes a fat person.

I fear it is my physical appearance that is the root cause of all of this.

[snickie]

That's really obnoxious. Two of my best friends are fat. I have a fat cat and I know she probably won't make it through the end of my college life. I think the fat shaming here was just a cop-out. She saw you needed an explanation and she gave you one. It was total bs but it seemed to satisfy you. It's like me telling my friend's mom that she can't find a boyfriend because she's blonde and he's worried that their children would turn out to be stupid (for lack of a better word; sorry, guys, I just woke up).

Maybe it's just me, but I find skinnier people less approachable than fat people (I find almost everyone unapproachable actually).

[Nike007]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I am having the same difficulty. I would ask if they were busy and they'd say not this week, maybe next week. And I said let me know when you are free and they would never let me know. I would keep asking and they would say I'm busy of some sort, but my siblings said they saw my friend shopping with her parent for groceries one time. I don't know if I'm being rejected or if they are busy or telling the truth. We couldn't hang out all of summer because they were busy the entire summer. And now, I don't really care if people say they can't come because I expect them not to come anyways. It's just because I am use to people rejecting me all the time. It has made me lose hope. Hope you find out what's happening with your friend. And no, the explanation given was bs, and don't listen to them. People should love you for whom you are, not what they want you to be.

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[unaluna]

Maybe instead of doing stuff with people one on one, are there groups you can join? Then you could make friends by seeing the same people over a period of time, more gradually.

Originally Posted by snickie

That's really obnoxious. Two of my best friends are fat. I have a fat cat and I know she probably won't make it through the end of my college life. I think the fat shaming here was just a cop-out. She saw you needed an explanation and she gave you one. It was total bs but it seemed to satisfy you. It's like me telling my friend's mom that she can't find a boyfriend because she's blonde and he's worried that their children would turn out to be stupid (for lack of a better word; sorry, guys, I just woke up).

Maybe it's just me, but I find skinnier people less approachable than fat people (I find almost everyone unapproachable actually).

No, it didn't satisfy me, not one bit. But, I do feel that it is the legitimate reason why she rejected me, but she is trying to justify it by saying it is what people in general think. It's an old trick, yet it took me a while to figure it out. However, if I look at the results of my endeavors, I fear there may be some truth in what she says after all.

Originally Posted by Nike007

I'm sorry you had to go through this. I am having the same difficulty. I would ask if they were busy and they'd say not this week, maybe next week. And I said let me know when you are free and they would never let me know. I would keep asking and they would say I'm busy of some sort, but my siblings said they saw my friend shopping with her parent for groceries one time. I don't know if I'm being rejected or if they are busy or telling the truth. We couldn't hang out all of summer because they were busy the entire summer. And now, I don't really care if people say they can't come because I expect them not to come anyways. It's just because I am use to people rejecting me all the time. It has made me lose hope. Hope you find out what's happening with your friend. And no, the explanation given was bs, and don't listen to them. People should love you for whom you are, not what they want you to be.

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Wow, what you describe is what happens to me exactly! And, that's what's so frustrating, you can't work out if they are busy or lying.

But, I also always think, why can't I be that friend they go shopping with for example?

There always seems to be someone already, and I am not needed in that same capacity. There is no room in their life for me. There seems to be no room in anyone's life for me.

I know I'm not entitled to be in their lives, but, I just wish I could be that person in someone's life, that close, that important. I know I don't deserve it, I just wish I knew how those people managed to get so close to the person I want to get close to too. I'm sorry guys, I know I'm really pathetic.

Originally Posted by unaluna

Maybe instead of doing stuff with people one on one, are there groups you can join? Then you could make friends by seeing the same people over a period of time, more gradually.

I try, but I really struggle to "keep up" with them. Their social interactions and exchanges are just so far beyond what I can cope with.

[Nike007]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Wow, what you describe is what happens to me exactly! And, that's what's so frustrating, you can't work out if they are busy or lying.

But, I also always think, why can't I be that friend they go shopping with for example?

There always seems to be someone already, and I am not needed in that same capacity. There is no room in their life for me. There seems to be no room in anyone's life for me.

I know I'm not entitled to be in their lives, but, I just wish I could be that person in someone's life, that close, that important. I know I don't deserve it, I just wish I knew how those people managed to get so close to the person I want to get close to too. I'm sorry guys, I know I'm really pathetic.

Exactly. I wish I could, but I am not sure.

Same. I feel this type of thing with one friend. She'll be like "sorry, I'm busy" but they'll be hanging with another friend type of busy. Even if I asked if we could hang out x day. Maybe I'm too late. No, it's probably because I'm no fun because I have no idea what I'm suppose to do.

I'm sorry. I feel the same way as you. I feel like no one wants me to be with them or try to add me to their lives because they already have someone there. I don't want to replace them, but it is too much for the people I like to add someone else in. Ugh.

Same. And you aren't pathetic. Well, I don't think you are. I suffer with the same problem too. I watch other people becomes friends with the person I want to be friends with and I'm like "how?". I don't understand how it works. I always wish I find someone important in my life. I don't think I have found that person yet.

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[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Thank you so much for your reply Carol. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that same thing too, it's horrible, isn't it?

I once confronted one of the people who did this to me, and after stalling for two weeks, she finally agreed to speak with me. I told her I have autism/Asperger's and that I'm sorry if I come across weird. She said it was in all likelihood my being overweight and fat that pushes people away because she says it shows I don't love myself, and nobody wants to hang out with a person that doesn't love himself/herself. She says that I can't make friendships with people because they are scared I'm going to die halfway, and can't walk down the beach with them, so they prefer to only make friends with people who live a healthy life, because they don't want the person to die, but rather be with someone healthy enough to stay alive with them. That was her explanation anyway. Then she told me I should consider a vegan diet and a raw food diet because nobody likes a fat person.

I fear it is my physical appearance that is the root cause of all of this.

Oh, come on! That is so shallow. People acting like that. I think she meant well, but not everyone wants to just be around thin, together people. People have also told me that, "People don't want to be around someone wiht anxiety or not loving themselves." If someone can really be mature and handle friendships that are not so shallow, they can even help someone learn self love!

Carol

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Wow, what you describe is what happens to me exactly! And, that's what's so frustrating, you can't work out if they are busy or lying.

But, I also always think, why can't I be that friend they go shopping with for example?

There always seems to be someone already, and I am not needed in that same capacity. There is no room in their life for me. There seems to be no room in anyone's life for me.

I know I'm not entitled to be in their lives, but, I just wish I could be that person in someone's life, that close, that important. I know I don't deserve it, I just wish I knew how those people managed to get so close to the person I want to get close to too. I'm sorry guys, I know I'm really pathetic.

Ummmm....hello, remember me?? You ARE important to me! That may not be all that relevant considering our geographical locations, but SOMEONE does!

[Miktis25]

This happens to me though usually we've met up a few times before. Kind of makes me afraid of being myself knowing that almost everyone [my father often included] will just *forget* about a next time. I'm the annoying one who tags along behind them whilst they try to lose me in an ally, despite having invited me to come along. Neurotypicals are strange, they are nearly incapable of pure honesty so *put up* with us then blame us for it. If they have a problem then say, we can explain our side of it/why it's that way/find ways around it. Being Autistic, we don't have the perception that they have and can't tell when something's up, they need to let us know

[Miktis25]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Thank you so much for your reply Carol. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that same thing too, it's horrible, isn't it?

I once confronted one of the people who did this to me, and after stalling for two weeks, she finally agreed to speak with me. I told her I have autism/Asperger's and that I'm sorry if I come across weird. She said it was in all likelihood my being overweight and fat that pushes people away because she says it shows I don't love myself, and nobody wants to hang out with a person that doesn't love himself/herself. She says that I can't make friendships with people because they are scared I'm going to die halfway, and can't walk down the beach with them, so they prefer to only make friends with people who live a healthy life, because they don't want the person to die, but rather be with someone healthy enough to stay alive with them. That was her explanation anyway. Then she told me I should consider a vegan diet and a raw food diet because nobody likes a fat person.

I fear it is my physical appearance that is the root cause of all of this.

Huh??? You look fine! And why would it matter? If someone was told they'd only have three months to live but they had an amazing personality, I'd spend as much time as possible with them regardless. Besides, (for me anyway) skinny people aren't nice to hug... Just feel bones... Cuddly is better

Thanks Miktis!

Yeah, that describes it very well, like that feeling of they are trying to "ditch" me, and I'm just tagging along.

Also, when we walk, they walk a distance ahead so I can't hear what they're saying. They only share the stories they tell among themselves, I can sense I'm not supposed to hear. I can tell it's not me they are talking about, but still, they choose to exclude me.

I'm so sorry you experience similar stuff too. I wish it could be different for us. I will never understand why they do it either.

You know what's the saddest thing about it all? We KNOW and SENSE this stuff, and they think we don't! Sometimes I feel like people think I'm retarded or something, just because I'm not spontaneously social and "there" in the conversation.

[Miktis25]

I know! I've read that those with Aspergers/High Functioning Autism are actually MORE perceptive to changes in other people's mood, actions, facial expression, etc. We just can't interpret them so well, but we do notice! Yep, because to a lot them it's the ability to be social that makes you smart. Not that we'd want to be smart - that may involve common sense and ability to use abstract thought, but we get intelligence, passion, logic, and we're much more friendly because we don't use sarcasm or manipulation to get what we want. We're awesome, just would be pretty cool if they started to see it sometime soon.

They never like us hearing anything, it's like they're trying to eliminate possibilities for conversation so we can't just start talking to them, but have to wait for them to talk to us.

Many hugs, it's not nice being isolated like this but it's their loss. We're great

So, just an update - still waiting on that message/call to come from the latest person that said they'll hang out with me.

Sometimes it just really sucks being right. But, I should've known, I mean, what other result was I expecting anyway, right?

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

So, just an update - still waiting on that message/call to come from the latest person that said they'll hang out with me.

Sometimes it just really sucks being right. But, I should've known, I mean, what other result was I expecting anyway, right?

Yeah, waiting on someone or something DOES SUCK! I came to the conclusion just today that I think I just want to go lurk in the shadows and stop burdening anyone with my presence.

[Miktis25]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

So, just an update - still waiting on that message/call to come from the latest person that said they'll hang out with me.

Sometimes it just really sucks being right. But, I should've known, I mean, what other result was I expecting anyway, right?

Alternative result could be that they are actually nice and their phone ran out of battery or something, as mine has a habit of doing when I need to call someone.
This case, maybe she isn't that nice after all and really is just ignoring you. But that doesn't dictate future cases - doesn't mean that others won't come along who genuinely want to meet up, just this one's not so good. does the saying "to dodge a bullet" fit here?
There'll be nice ones, they're just taking their time :/

Originally Posted by Miktis25

Alternative result could be that they are actually nice and their phone ran out of battery or something, as mine has a habit of doing when I need to call someone.
This case, maybe she isn't that nice after all and really is just ignoring you. But that doesn't dictate future cases - doesn't mean that others won't come along who genuinely want to meet up, just this one's not so good. does the saying "to dodge a bullet" fit here?
There'll be nice ones, they're just taking their time :/

Yeah, I used to think about these hypothetical situations too, that there was some crazy explanation perhaps.

But, actually saw the person in real life a few days ago and she saw me too, I know she did. So, I decided to pretend like I hadn't seen her, and she did the same.

Same old story, she says nothing, I say nothing (I'm not going to force anyone into anything they don't want, even just a conversation), so the whole thing just dies a quiet death.

I like to think "dodge a bullet" but it's more a case of "par for the course" really - more the rule than the exception.

With each one of these cases happening, I care less and less afterwards than I did before. One of these days, I won't care at all anymore and won't even bother to try and make friends.

It was bound to happen. Constant rejection, you need a mechanism to deal with it and to numb you up, and it's been happening with me. I feel almost no more pain when I get rejected, in fact, I'm beginning to kinda like it. Perhaps it is a true testament just to what a sick monster I probably am in reality. One of these days I'll have no more feelings, I'll just be like a machine, sub-human, devoid of any emotion.

Originally Posted by Alone & confused

Yeah, waiting on someone or something DOES SUCK! I came to the conclusion just today that I think I just want to go lurk in the shadows and stop burdening anyone with my presence.

Sounds a lot like symptoms of depression. I remember how I used to feel like that, and I had so hoped that they would stay away.

For almost a year now, I've been "clean" of depression. I was so hopeful that I was "out of the woods", and I was convinced things were going to change for me, I was going to make friends, etc.

So, with a positive attitude and new lease on life, I started. First rejection, I said ah OK, just wasn't meant to work out. Second one, same thing. So, thought, OK, take a little break and try again soon. Fourth, fifth, and not long, I started thinking, wait a minute - nothing's working out again. Ah damn, just like before. Slowly but surely, the depression is trying to creep back into my life.

I am still yet to make a success of anything I have attempted. Seems more and more like the same old horse is just going to get saddled-up again.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Sounds a lot like symptoms of depression. I remember how I used to feel like that, and I had so hoped that they would stay away.

For almost a year now, I've been "clean" of depression. I was so hopeful that I was "out of the woods", and I was convinced things were going to change for me, I was going to make friends, etc.

So, with a positive attitude and new lease on life, I started. First rejection, I said ah OK, just wasn't meant to work out. Second one, same thing. So, thought, OK, take a little break and try again soon. Fourth, fifth, and not long, I started thinking, wait a minute - nothing's working out again. Ah damn, just like before. Slowly but surely, the depression is trying to creep back into my life.

I am still yet to make a success of anything I have attempted. Seems more and more like the same old horse is just going to get saddled-up again.

I know sweetie. I was with you through that year. I hate that it's happening again! We worked so hard to get you through so much of that! Mine isn't creeping though. I got shot out of the sky and crashed. Think I'm gonna stay put for awhile.

[Miktis25]

... How are you two that good at sayings...? I'm just lost

[Miktis25]

Originally Posted by StbGuy

Yeah, I used to think about these hypothetical situations too, that there was some crazy explanation perhaps.

But, actually saw the person in real life a few days ago and she saw me too, I know she did. So, I decided to pretend like I hadn't seen her, and she did the same.

Same old story, she says nothing, I say nothing (I'm not going to force anyone into anything they don't want, even just a conversation), so the whole thing just dies a quiet death.

I like to think "dodge a bullet" but it's more a case of "par for the course" really - more the rule than the exception.

With each one of these cases happening, I care less and less afterwards than I did before. One of these days, I won't care at all anymore and won't even bother to try and make friends.

It was bound to happen. Constant rejection, you need a mechanism to deal with it and to numb you up, and it's been happening with me. I feel almost no more pain when I get rejected, in fact, I'm beginning to kinda like it. Perhaps it is a true testament just to what a sick monster I probably am in reality. One of these days I'll have no more feelings, I'll just be like a machine, sub-human, devoid of any emotion.

You're not a monster. You'll never be a monster. The day you are, then I'll be one too. And so will every other person being rejected by these so-called normals with their petty problems and manipulations. It's not your fault, unfortunately you happen to be around a lot of people who don't appreciate you, I have a whole country of them here but it's not like that everywhere or with everyone. You haven't found the right people yet, you're still young with plenty of time, and the people here think you're great

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by Miktis25

You're not a monster. You'll never be a monster. The day you are, then I'll be one too. And so will every other person being rejected by these so-called normals with their petty problems and manipulations. It's not your fault, unfortunately you happen to be around a lot of people who don't appreciate you, I have a whole country of them here but it's not like that everywhere or with everyone. You haven't found the right people yet, you're still young with plenty of time, and the people here think you're great

I don't just Think he's great, I KNOW he is! I keep telling him the same thing. Thank you!