[perpetuallysad]

I'm really frustrated right now and in a really bad place. I cannot bring myself to even post about what's wrong because I'm just so scared to even face it myself.

I KNOW deep down that I've got to find a way to see my t more than once a month. Its just not helping me like this. Right now I feel very marginalized by the fact that I rarely see him and the last time I called him, he didn't even call me back. The thing I needed to talk to him about was a big deal and his receptionist called me back with some generic instructions. I am far too afraid of losing this t though, so I know that I will not have the courage to say anything to him about this on Friday (its finally been a month). I read what all of you write and you all seem so much farther on your journey to self healing. I am like a constant drowning victim who gets my head pulled above water once a month...all the rest of the time I'm sinking and pulling myself up, over and over. I have learned NO coping skills. I feel so incredibly jealous when I read the things your ts teach you. I don't know what to do.

The t I have now is pretty much my only option. But I know that I am going to get no better and am going to continuously lose ground only getting to visit once a month. I know well meaning people are going to suggest going to another town to a t or something, but I cannot afford to do that. Right now we are precariously balance on the edge of OK, but we have NO extra money for a t, especially because my insurance (I just got in Jan) only covers mental health services after a $1500 deductible and then they only pay 50%. I could never afford to do that.

God this is when I feel like such a failure. If I weren't so ****ed up I would still have a job and we would be doing perfectly fine. But I cannot handle the pressure and lose every job I get. Granted I always quit the jobs, but I cannot handle them. I know it sounds so freaking pathetic. I don't know what to do.

I need to talk, to get this bad stuff out so badly, but I have no one to turn to. My poor husband would be devastated to hear what I have to say, so I don't want to hurt him so I keep it all in. I am overwhelmed.

I had to drive about an hour away to take my son to the dentist this morning. They take him back to get his teeth cleaned and I stayed in the lobby. A nurse (or whatever) came out and was really rude to me. She insisted that he see a different dr.-the dr he does see has been a friend of my husband for 20 years, its why we drive an hour to take him to the dentist-acted like I was insane when I insisted that he see the right one and just walked off when I pissed her off enough when I was arguing her. Luckily I found our dentist's personal nurse and told her and she in turn went and got our dentist. He took care of everything, but they just didn't do things right! My dentist apologized and promised to make sure that didn't happen again, but it scared me to death. I know that they cannot do anything "bad" to him, but just the weird mix up and bad vibes from that one nurse sent my anxiety into overdrive. Anyway, after a few more stressful things, I ended up doing everything I could to hold in a complete panic attack and just make it back home. I walked in the house and fell apart. I am really freaking tired of being like this. I want to be able to be away from my house without losing my mind every time.

I'm sorry that I am wasting your time if you read this. I have been wanting badly to reach out for days and days but only just now got the nerve.

[Liberada]

[gravyyy]

((((((((((((((PS))))))))))))))

I'm glad you have an appt with T tomorrow. Have you discussed this with him, I mean the part that you need T more than once a month and you don't feel like you're able to make progress? I agree that once a month is not ideal when you're not stable. There have been times in the past where I'd go 3-6 weeks between sessions but it was never during a time when I was at least mostly stable. If you're not able to go to a neighboring town, maybe you could try to find someone online to work with you. Or maybe your T could do phone sessions... even just a quick 10 minute check-in once a week or something like that. You don't know unless you ask I guess. It's hard because I don't know what your exact situation is, of course, but i hope you're able to talk to T tomorrow and figure some stuff out. You need services more than you're being able to get them. Hang in there... you'll figure something out... think positive. Until then I'll send you positive thoughts!!! Stay safe! Keep us updated with what T says if you talk to him.

[Bat Mom]

Hi. I am wondering if you could look around for a local support group. The hospital in my area has a support group that meets every week and two saturdays a month. I've read that they can be very helpful. I hope that things get better for you really soon.

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks you guys for taking the time to read this. I am feeling very insignificant right now, so your caring is very validating to me.

Another thing that really bothers me is that whenever someone is having a problem, it is always suggested that they call their t or pdoc. My t is my pdoc, but either way, its never really been an option that I call him. He's never said I should do this if I need him and the very few times I've called the return calls from him have been very, very brief and very distant feeling, so whatever problem I'm having is, for me, not even addressed. I honestly don't know what to do. The thought of losing my t/pdoc is absolutely TERRIFYING to me. But I feel like I am not getting what I need from him, and sadly, until I joined this board, I didn't even know I deserved more time than I was getting. oh I am so very upset right now and I cannot even fathom what I will talk to him about tomorrow. I am fairly sure I will not have the courage to say a thing about needing to see him more. Its just not in me. I already feel I am not worth his time as it is. It seems like it must be obvious to him that I need more help than I am getting, but he clearly has no desire to provide it.

[Psyched]

(((perpetuallysad)))

I understand how you feel b/c I can't see a T, either. I haven't seen one in a few years, but I saw countless T's throughout 25 or more years. I am in need of support b/c I don't have any family/friends & could use guidance, but when I think about it, those T's never really helped me other than to talk about things. I'm worse now. So, I think the best thing for both of us to do (since we don't have other options) is to do self-help, like journaling, utilizing websites such as www.dbtselfhelp.com , & joining "irl" support groups. I know from reading your posts what you suffer with, & I'm a lot like you are.

As I wrote, I've read your posts, & in some, you have a really great sense of humor that cracked me up. And it's inspiring to me that you found your hubby 5 years ago, b/c I am afraid that I will always be alone. I've also noticed that you try to address people who have posted but don't get any replies, which is very thoughtful. You're a precious person, & I'm sorry you are so down. Please feel free to PM me anytime if you need to chat with someone who understands.

[Junerain]

You have inherent worth ((((((worth))))))))

Your posts I cling to myself, they are how I feel too

You deserve the best doctor and T that ever were!!

You truly DO

can you advocate for yourself?? show your Pdoc this post??

We will do it right along with you ((((perpetually sad))))

[jennaorgana]

hugs from me lots and lots of them. i hope you start feeling better right away

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks all. You've made me want to cry just because its nice to think that someone cares.

I don't know if I am brave enough to show him this post. I will try to get up the courage to do that.

[gravyyy]

Maybe it's not that your T/pdoc doesn't care to help you, maybe it's just that he can't. I thought in another post you were saying that he's all over the place in different towns seeing patients and so maybe he hasn't said anything about it because he knows he's not physically available. I know it's hard but maybe you could just say, "T, how can I got about getting additional treatment?" You can tell him you like working with him and want to continue working with him but feel you're struggling making it 4 weeks between sessions. Tell him you understand he's really busy so is there someone else that is around town you can see or are there any online sources he recommends or what else can you do so you don't feel like the floor drops out from under you between sessions. It seems like you feel like you always are fighting an uphill battle and that's no fun at all. Whatever you decide, even if you have to write it on a piece of paper and hand it to him, good luck. There's nothing wrong with asking and it only makes you an advocate for yourself.

[perpetuallysad]

Thanks gravvvy, you're right. He does work all over my area and I know he's a good person, I am just feeling sorry for myself right now. I made a list of things I want to talk to him about and I have this issue as my first thing to say. I've got to figure something out. I want to function at a higher level than this.

You are very kind to keep responding to me, I really appreciate it. I know you were having a hard time, are you getting anymore sleep? Have things gotten better for you?

[NuckingFutz]

Hey PS! Glad you wrote this. I had no idea about your t. I am going to PM you in hopes that I can help a bit more.

[daisychic]

I just wanted to share with you about my last week's appt thought it might help you. I usually am up all the night before a appt thinking of what I want to say. Then when at the appt I go blank like totally duh. Never fails. This week I tried something different. I wrote it down and when I got there I just read it. I never really thought id read it but hey I surprised myself. Maybe you can give it a try. I wish you the best with the doc tomorow.

Oh yeah about getting more help. Do you have a free clinic in the area, sometimes the local hospital can give you some names. We have one in our area not the best quality of docs sometimes but hey its worth a shot. Even if it just gives you someone extra to talk with.

[dj586858]

I am so sorry for your situation. As scary as it is, you must be honest with your doc. His not calling you back concerns me but maybe he doesn't yet understand the severity of your problem. You have got to make him understand. You deserve to have a doc who knows all your dark secrets so he can help you to the best of his ability and as often as it takes. Please continue to be open here as much as you feel you can too. We of all people will understand. Don't try to handle this all on your own. The illness is not your fault and surviving it alone is probably just not do-able. Keep in touch. We are all rooting for you!

[FeelingHopeful]

Ps, I just wanted to say im here for you and i feel so bad your having a rough time, I wish i had good advice to give to make you feel better, but im not doing well myself these last few days, Im here though and you can always pm me, i want you to feel better, Big big Hug to you!!

[gravyyy]

PS: You are very kind to keep responding to me, I really appreciate it. I know you were having a hard time, are you getting anymore sleep? Have things gotten better for you?

Thanks PS... you always respond to my posts and are always so supportive. I hate to see you frustrated and hurting so anything I can do that might be helpful, let me know.

I am sleeping a bit better with the Restoril. I'm so relieved to be able to get like 3 hours of sleep at a time between waking up! I wasn't even making it an hour before.

Today's the big T/pdoc appt day for you. I'm glad you made a list. I never do that (it's a pride thing) and I always forget to mention things, so bravo for you for making one. I know you have the strength and courage to talk to your T/pdoc about getting more services. It's absolutely you're right and if you don't ask, he's not likely to ever bring it up (it's like if you don't tell him something is wrong or not working then he'll never know). Good luck today. Please keep us posted. I'll be rushing back from work to check and see what happened!!!

[KDlady]

sorry for your pain and frustration

[lonegael]

PS. sometimes therapists are taught to not encourage patients to call them outside of the scheduled visits because it is thought to encourage dependancy. A lot of therapists don't really buy this, and I would tell your therapist straight out how you experience his responses to you and ask him if there is a problem with your calling him. It might well be that he is simply a bit stressed because of all the places he has to be. anyway, hon. I hope it goes well and send you a hugg and a reminder that we are here for you. Hang on.

[perpetuallysad]

I'm sitting here and waiting to leave for my appointment and I'm so filled with anxiety that my hands are sweating. I don't know, I just have this awful, vague bad feeling. I know that its something that happens a lot before I have an anxiety attack, but I really hope that's not the case right now. I guess I feel like he's going to be angry at me. I've quit taking the last anti-psychotic he gave me because it made me feel horrible and when I called to talk to him about what to do, he didn't even call me back-that's when he had the receptionist call me instead. I have been on geodon, invega and navane in the past 6 months or so. I feel like I am a quitter because I cannot make it past these unbearable side effects. These antipsychs have all caused me to become extremely sleepy and unable to feel safe when driving. Half the time I am unable to stay awake longer than an hour or so at a time and when I am awake, I feel severely drugged and groggy. I've explained this to him and told him its a side effect I cannot accept because (1) I am unable to take care of my son properly when this is happening (2) what's the point of taking something that just makes me sleep constantly, that's certainly not helping anything? Ug, I just have such an overwhelmingly bad feeling about all of this. I was reading through some of my journals and it seems that the only mood stabilizer or anti psychotic I've ever taken that helped was topamax, but I had to quit because he ran out of samples and that was before the generic was approved. I want to ask him if I can try that again, but then I don't know if I will ever have the nerve to suggest a drug to him like that.

Oh my god, I wish I weren't sitting here alone, I'm driving myself nuts just thinking and thinking and worrying like hell about this. When I get anxious like this I tend to sort of zone out of whatever I'm worried about until its over. I don't want to realize I've sat through the whole appointment without dealing with any of this, but I don't know how to stay grounded enough to make myself deal with anything. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Junerain]

You are not alone, we are with you

Definately print out this thread and show it to him......the printed words will do the talking..

You have shown self confidence to reach out here...let the self confidence roll into your appointment with a printing of what you were feeling with our support

[lonegael]

No, you're not alone. We are here. Let us know how it went, hon. I'm thinking of you! Hugggssssss

[BashfullOne]

PS what you just told us, you need to write down and give it to your pdoc. I do that - I don't have the courage to say somethings that need said and I forget to tell him things that I need to discuss - so I write it all down in a note book I keep in just for this purpose. I'm lucky that my pdoc tells me to call anytime I feel the need and he takes the time to talk to me and makes an appointment for the the following day when I'm really in a bad way.

Please post or PM me anytime - we are all here to help one another and we are here for you!! Maybe you need to see your pdoc on a weekly basis or at least see if he can give you an "over the phone session" once a week... You may feel braver and be able to disscuss things with him that you couldn't do when sitting in front of him. Believe me, I understand how you feel - thus the notebook.

Please keep posting and do check to see if there is a local support group close by that you could attend. Maybe your pdoc could check into that for you or check you local hospital and or church.

God Bless You

[perpetuallysad]

Well, my appointment is over and gone. I barely made it through the waiting room time without crying my eyes out. The minute I walked into his office I cried. I pretty much cried the whole time. I told him I thought he was sick of seeing me and he asked me if he's ever done anything to make me feel like he doesn't want to see me, which he hasn't. He told me that he's not angry at me (because I asked him), he said the only thing he may feel is frustration that after 5 years I don't feel confident that he's not going to abandon me. I told him I quit the navane and he was alright with it, said he doesn't want me on anything that makes me feel badly. We talked about my expectations and how I have already set in my head that I am not worth anyone's time and energy. Mostly we talked about why I feel worthless and why I am stuck in a rut of hating myself.

Anyway, I am so drained that I can barely function. It was a very, very hard visit. He didn't prescribe an antipsychotic for me, at the moment. And upped my xanax to try to combat the intense anxiety problems. He doesn't have more time to see me; but I knew that. I don't know. My brain hurts.

[FeelingHopeful]

Gravy and Ps, your both on my mind and im thinking of you guys, much Love!!

[dj586858]

I am so sorry your visit didn't go well. I had so hoped it would be very productive and you would be so much more at peace. I don't know how long you stay on a med before giving up on it but I know that when I started the first phase of my cocktail (that my sister says could kill an elephant) it was several weeks before I stopped feeling so zoned out. Eventually that did get better and I started seeing an improvement in my anxiety and depression. I hope you find the help you need and deserve.