Screammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Okay here I go.....
I am so angry. So so so so so Angry.
I'm Bipolar - yup, I am, la la la la and some.... some lots more

My Daughter - da..it

Bipolar runs in family........yeah yeah, fine fine, not fine
Okay here I go.....
I am so angry. So so so so so Angry.
I'm Bipolar - yup, I am, la la la la and some.... some lots more

My Daughter - da..it

Bipolar runs in family........yeah yeah, fine fine, not fine

Okay mixed with traumas which seem to love to hit us when we are already F'n down, out, over-it, outta-here

Poor, poor child. Da,,.it !

I can' t fix myself. I can't fix ............ I just can' t fix.....

okay, but YES i doooo tttt r r r r y y y y y

24 - my skills of raising her, i'll just say again poor child.
age 3 let live with her Father - thinking she'd have a better chance at life, seeing that I knew there was stuff wrong with me... But who, what, why, how, ..,;g kdgdfjg;d wasn't even close to knowing anything about mental health yet,
Except FACE (and newbies, etc - this is who I refer to as my BIRTH CANAL, other words mother - f'r)

So poor child - age 3.

Age 13 - had her life planned out. I couldn't comprehend how fantastic, how intelligent, how wonderours.... AND 'she must not have come from me'

WELL BOOM - she was raped! TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY DESTROYED HER........ she didn't tell until 3 year later - AFTER 3 years of going from a planned out life - TO DOING METH & WHATEVER, everyday ........ still didn't tell anyone.

Then 1 day, one f'n day. She told me.

AGE 24, after all those years of not wanting, accepting, gettting or ready to get help.....
Oh she tried now and then - but the system let her down...... she's 3000 miles away....

Out into the WORLD of the most ugliest can imagine...........

NOW - again 24.

Called 1:30am - until 5:30am on & off phone with her while calling help center where she lives, having police bring her to hospital, then transfered to some recovery....
They said "we won't release unless she has place to go"

So left behind a poo-belittling boyfriend-, didn't want her Dad to know CUZ in his eyes if she got an A grade in school, she should have gotten a triple plus.
(and I thought I was giving her a better chance at life going to live with him - him who she never could satisify - SOUNDS familiular - 'F'!)

SO today - they've got her drugged. She's in a facility, in her room, reading a book, crying, just wants to go home - which means back to the people who belittle her........... why does she allow it -------

BECAUSE she was taught she was never good enough 'F'

D'm ITEGTJKO aer'gqmejdfgm' odfkmhlmd'fhlb,';m9awt'DBLs,./

Come on let me fix her, let me something. She's 24, I'm 49..... we all know there is help out there IF WE ARE LUCKY TO FIND THE RIGHT HELP.....
trial and error, trial and error, trial and error............

I'm still finding error's.

D'M IT!

She has to have a better life. She's got to be able to be happy. She's got to love herself. She's got to push the idiots aside that she this tender heart, sweet talk it in - then slap it down.

D'M IT!

Okay here I go.....
I am so angry. So so so so so Angry.
I'm Bipolar - yup, I am, la la la la and some.... some lots more

My Daughter - da..it

Bipolar runs in family........yeah yeah, fine fine, not fine
Okay here I go.....
I am so angry. So so so so so Angry.
I'm Bipolar - yup, I am, la la la la and some.... some lots more

My Daughter - da..it

Bipolar runs in family........yeah yeah, fine fine, not fine

Okay mixed with traumas which seem to love to hit us when we are already F'n down, out, over-it, outta-here

Poor, poor child. Da,,.it !

I can' t fix myself. I can't fix ............ I just can' t fix.....

okay, but YES i doooo tttt r r r r y y y y y

24 - my skills of raising her, i'll just say again poor child.
age 3 let live with her Father - thinking she'd have a better chance at life, seeing that I knew there was stuff wrong with me... But who, what, why, how, ..,;g kdgdfjg;d wasn't even close to knowing anything about mental health yet,
Except FACE (and newbies, etc - this is who I refer to as my BIRTH CANAL, other words mother - f'r)

So poor child - age 3.

Age 13 - had her life planned out. I couldn't comprehend how fantastic, how intelligent, how wonderours.... AND 'she must not have come from me'

WELL BOOM - she was raped! TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY DESTROYED HER........ she didn't tell until 3 year later - AFTER 3 years of going from a planned out life - TO DOING METH & WHATEVER, everyday ........ still didn't tell anyone.

Then 1 day, one f'n day. She told me.

AGE 24, after all those years of not wanting, accepting, gettting or ready to get help.....
Oh she tried now and then - but the system let her down...... she's 3000 miles away....

Out into the WORLD of the most ugliest can imagine...........

NOW - again 24.

Called 1:30am - until 5:30am on & off phone with her while calling help center where she lives, having police bring her to hospital, then transfered to some recovery....
They said "we won't release unless she has place to go"

So left behind a poo-belittling boyfriend-, didn't want her Dad to know CUZ in his eyes if she got an A grade in school, she should have gotten a triple plus.
(and I thought I was giving her a better chance at life going to live with him - him who she never could satisify - SOUNDS familiular - 'F'!)

SO today - they've got her drugged. She's in a facility, in her room, reading a book, crying, just wants to go home - which means back to the people who belittle her........... why does she allow it -------

BECAUSE she was taught she was never good enough 'F'

D'm ITEGTJKO aer'gqmejdfgm' odfkmhlmd'fhlb,';m9awt'DBLs,./

Come on let me fix her, let me something. She's 24, I'm 49..... we all know there is help out there IF WE ARE LUCKY TO FIND THE RIGHT HELP.....
trial and error, trial and error, trial and error............

I'm still finding error's.

D'M IT!

She has to have a better life. She's got to be able to be happy. She's got to love herself. She's got to push the idiots aside that she this tender heart, sweet talk it in - then slap it down.

D'M IT!

YYAAYAYAAYAYA AAAYAAAAAYA

(((Starlite))) - I just want you to know I read your post. I can hear you're in pain and very frustrated. Was your daughter diagnosed as bipolar? So sorry for her pain and when she hurts.....so do you - right? I wish I could help you dear friend. All I can do is listen, pray and give you a big cyber hug and hope God will protect you and your daughter.

Yes, she has been diagnosised. She did get herself into a program about 5 years back.... After her father........
She was on the phone with a center. They took her in set her up to begin a life on own cuz never had. Set up therapy, housing, medication.....

'Amanda said to me "I want to get better, I'm ready to deal with it now."
(the rape)

She went Therapist and spilled her heart and soul. When she stopped talking the therapist JUST SAT THERE!!!!!!!! Amanda told me she asked the therapist "are you going to say anything?"
Therapist said "Sometimes it's just better to listen"

Amanda went directly in Destruction mode.

Instead of medication - Street drugs, thugs, muggings, more rapes,

SHE DIED AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN... AND NOW SEEMS AGAIN!

I feel without a doubt .......... run's in family......... we don't have know comping skills............ the the means to the end

HAD BETTER NOT COME - D'M IT.

I've had several therapist almost cost me my life.......all they wanted was their freak'n co-pay,,,,, All I saw was a semi coming

(((Starlite))) - compassionate safe hugs for you and your daughter.

Hugs for you starlite and may she find real help to bring her back to life!

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. I hope your daughter is getting the help that she needs. I am sending lots of hugs your way. You are in my thoughts today.

Starlite,
I am sooo sorry for the pain you are in right now. You know I have BPD, and I was also attacked by a man sexually when I was in elementary school when my mom failed to pick me up on time. Also my parents are not mentally stable and I was a wild child most likely because of it. Hung out with the wrong crowd, and even dated a guy who called me a year later while we were still dating, from jail, to say he had been convicted of rape. Im telling you all of this because I did manage to sort things out in my own time and I am getting better. You have to believe the good values you have already instilled in your daughter will carry her through this. Be strong, be brave!!!
Ah, Woman, that you should be moving here, among us, grief filled, no more protected than we...Rainer Maria Rilke.

I wish I could take your pain away for you, but the best I can do is keep you and your daughter in my thoughts and that is what I will do. Best wishes to you both.

(((((((Starlite)))))))),

I am so sorry about the pain you are feeling for your daughter. I understand the horrible feeling of having a T who only sits there listening & doesn't say anything or ask any questions or offer any support or even any feelings that provides a feeling of validation for the feelings she is feeling after pouring her heart out. I had a T who was like that for too many years & was worth NOTHING. Easy to say that she needs to tell the T that she needs feedback & not just someone to listen.....harder to do I am sure.....but if this T can't provide the feedback, then seems to be the wrong kind of T & pray that she will find one that can really help her.

I am so sorry for all you & your daughter have gone through. When you think you are helping them by allowing husband to be the one to raise them & then find out that your daughter would have been so much better off with you......can just feel the pain you are going through right now. I just wish I would be there & give you the hugs that you need right now IRL.

Your daughter was at a point of wanting to heal & get better, the best thing you can do right now is just be there & continue to support her & encourage her & don't let her push you away because she is feeling so bad right now......I know you won't let her go at this point.....she definitely needs your love & support that I know you are filled with for you are such a caring sensitive wonderful Mother. I think as mothers many of us look back at the mistakes we have made.....can't change the past, but we can change the future & that is what we need to focus on.

Just be there & care & give her the best direction you can from your own experiences to share with her.......& who knows, maybe she can move to be with you & leave that bad place where she's at & be able to start over......who knows what the future holds....but all we can do is work toward the good.

Please take care of yourself during this stressful time & know that we all care about you & also care about your daughter.


Debbie

Do you have relatives and friends that will support you? Is there an agency that you can turn to that will help you in this difficult time?
I have a daughter that age and I am so sorry you are going through this. Hoping you will regain your peace of mind soon and that your daughter will soon feel better. Peace.

(((((((Starlite)))))))))))

Always in your corner...

So sorry to hear about this deep pain and suffering. This world is so damn ****ed up. I can't even imagine. There are no words. The hurts of life are so unevenly distributed. The strongest have to bear the most terrible things. That we still are alive and as sane as we are is a miracle only we understand. But having a child is the most vulnerable we can be as humans, if we are feeling persons. And I hear the ache to heal her wounds. You're her mom and she'll always need you. Friends and family have a way of drifting back into our lives when we think they forgot about us. You'll get to comfort her sooner than you think.

I wish you all the warmth and strength you need to make it through this with her. You're in my thoughts and tears for we the survivors.

Starlite, I am thinking of you and your daughter.

Starlite,

Gotta do what you can to take care of you so you can help (fix it) when you can.

Gotta breathe, gotta get calm, my friend, gotta do some calming things...taking care of you is taking care of her because she has you as a role model and because when she is better you will be there for her.

Please take some special time to calm and strengthen again. You are needed and can be most helpful by taking care of #1.

Lots of nice calming music and peaceful scenes.


Hunny

.

I'm thinking of you and your daughter, I hope things get better for the both of you *hugs* xxxx

Oh Starlite..I am so sorry for you and your daughter....my heart hurts for what you must be feeling....

im so sorry you are going through this with your daughter... ill pray this comes to a happy ending for both of you... shes been through so much, but she will reach out to you and you will be there waiting... good luck!

Hello, everyone.

I've been in a full blown depression, unusal for me, normal for me is manic.

Well, when this happened with my daughter.

I jumped. I wanted to make it all better. Do anything, everything I can to aide her.

Well,...... I thank all of you.

I never had any support, love, etc as a child.... was always trying to be locked away in a girls home....

So for my children (adults - though I know) I pick up that phone every time.

I had called the hospital about her medication - BECAUSE
She told me she HAS to do what they say to get out.

She called me and told me "YOUR CALLING UP HERE ABOUT MY STUFF, HAS TO STOP. IT HAS TO STOP NOW!"

Shocked, humble, discouraged I said 'okay'. She said "I love you and HUNG up"

So She didn't want what I thought, which was to start to heal.

She just wanted to get out of their to go 'home'.

She called me twice today - first time said "Call me A.S.A.P.", called again and got recorded and SLAMMED DOWN PHONE.

Called again - I did pick up.

AMANDA SAID "IT'S ABOUT TIME. I'VE BEEN CALLING THERE LEAVING MESSAGES".

I 'simply' asked what's going on.

"THEY'RE LETTING ME OUT OF HERE. TRYING TO SET UP SOME KIND OF TRANSPORTATION FOR THERAPY, GIVING ME TWO WEEKS WORTH OF MEDICATION".

The Tone of her voice I said "Why are you talking to me like this Amanda?"

"WELL, YOU DON'T SOUND EXCITIED"

I said "I hope you stay trying to get getting better".

RESPONSE - "HUH! WHATEVER. I love you, Mom" Slammed phone down.

I'm sorry that she is not as open to getting help as you hoped she would be, but I'm so glad that you are able to be there for her, and I hope that she will be ready to work things out soon, and that she will come to you when she is ready. Take care and I will continue to keep you and your daughter in my thoughts & prayers.

I know what I'm doing. It's killing me. It is making no matter what I do for the sake of my children - wrong.

I JUMP when they call.
I am doing that because my mind tells me - that's what mothers are suppose to do.
I believe that because I did not have ANY support from my 'so-called', in fact - Fact it - IT was ADDED disorder.
I feel that if I don't JUMP to my children that they will feel left alone in this world.
Like I was LEFT.
BUT, what I have allowed them to do is to call me when they NEED...
I then feel 'Okay, it's me the Mother who has to be there for them'.

I will listen. I'll ask if they want suggestions.

When their down speeling, they hang up. I never know what goes on after that, so I'm left feeling up in the air and worried.

If I didn't listen, be there for them - I'd be a bad person. I'd be a bad Mother. I'd be no mother at all.

I have been told that my children do not respect me.
I was asked if they saw me being treated that way before.
They have, by my husbands.
So, they treat me that way as well.

If I ever try to tell them anything, they get angry and end conversation.

So -

I want to be a good Grandmother.
My children did NOT have a Good Grandmother - ever.... she wanted to get from them to worship her.
Of course I didn't allow that - I kept them far from her manlipulation.

Now, to be that GOOD Grandmother, that I know I am - I HAVE to make all the moves, calls, gifts, whatever ......
My Children - do not promote ... me as GRANDMA

I have remained for my children. To let them know someone loves them.

This is what I get in return.

I am told I am a Black and White person. If they don't need me - then I just want to be gone - My job is done.

I feel that not being of any mind to them - then, well.... nothing.

NO THIS IS NOT A PITY PARTY POOR ME - This is fact, the way I've believed, the way I've lived.

I Never wanted my children to feel, go through, suffer... of course all do, cuz all have own lifes.

But my hurt was so great - I almost die, when they hurt.

When one person shuts me down, that I've been being there for - I WANT to shut Everyone down from me. I actually shut down from me.

Back to my site '"ABOUT ME" is still solid and true - WHO AM I.

But at this point - I don't care Who I am, it's a whatever.

Signed - just clarifiying.

So Daughters on her feet again. She took what she needed. I'll be shelved again.

REMEMBER - THIS IS NOT A PITY POST FOR ME - I am just explaining.