My life is in shambles......

This isn't really a question......

I'm an older woman diagnosed with Bipolar 1 a few months ago. I had my first manic episode last fall, followed by hospitalization, then severe depression, followed by another hospitalization. I was discharged with a Bipolar 2 diagnosis and inadequate meds. I became even more depressed and crashed my car into a tree,(the result of psychosis.) Back into the hospital for a longer stay. That's when the diagnosis was changed to Bipolar 1 and the meds were changed as well.

Now I'm healing serious physical injuries, as well as trying to get meds to work for me. I thought I was doing pretty well mentally, but I'm again slipping into a deep depression. I'll see my therapist tomorrow and my psychiatrist Wednesday.

There feels like nothing left of my former self, although my husband and sister try to tell me I'm still me. I guess I'm trying to say that my life is in shambles. My injuries keep me from working out, my job is history, my driver's license suspended, (although driving is the last thing on my mind) and there's no-one to talk to except my husband and my sister. I want to look for the light at the end of the tunnel, but I can't even see the tunnel......

I'm usually a positive person, and I know there are people worse off than me......but this pretty much has me derailed. All comments and/or PM's welcome. I keep reading on Psych Central, now I really need to reach out for help......greylove

I wish I had something really positive to say that would help to ease your pain, but I myself am not very positive. I wish you the best.

(((greylove))) - I'm sorry you're suffering mentally and physically at this time. It's sounds like you have the support of your husband and sister. I pray that you'll will get through this difficult time.

I'm really sorry for what you are going through, especially being newly diagnosed. It probably answered a lot of questions about you and the way your life has been, but also leaves you with so many burning questions. Know that you are not alone. I have fallen over the edge so far into that black abyss before, and I know it is terrible. You just have to remind yourself that everything you feel is temporary. "This too shall pass" is one of the things I have to remind myself often. I can honestly say that God, or whoever you want to believe in, really has never given me more than I can handle. I have come close to breaking, but not quite.

But besides all that, and most important is to stay on top of your meds! Tell your dr everything that is going on! Give them ample amount of time to work and see how you feel. Sometimes it takes a lot of combinations to get it right. It's been years since I was diagnosed and I am just now finding what actually works for me. I just joined this community here last week and am getting used to how it works. It helps to just read some of the posts. It feels good to have someone actually get what you are feeling. My husband hasn't the foggiest of what's going on in my head, so this place helps.

Please don't ever give up! Don't let it beat you down, I promise you the light in your tunnel is just around the bend. Good luck!

I am also an older woman. I've been diagnosed with major depression for a long time and recently they switched the diagnosis to Bipolar 2. I understand the depression phase really well. I am so sorry you have been going through all of this. It is scary and when I know I am slipping down, sometimes I feel like the cartoon images of the coyote holding on after the roadrunner ran over him. I just know I'm not going to make it.
But the truth is that there always is an end to the tunnel even when I can't see it. You've been through a lot in the last few months. You don't say how long ago the last med change was but some of the meds can take up to 4 weeks to be fully effective depending on what they are.
I wish you luck with the therapist and doctor appts. Use your support system. Best wishes.

greylove Keeping you in my thoughts.

Hello, I'm glad you came on this forum. You are welcome here. Well, with everything that's happened in a short time, it's absolutely not surprising that your life is in a shambles. This may sound strange, but, you know, it's OK to be in a shambles. We don't have to have our stuff together all the time, especially when we are re-creating the reality of our life with a recent diagnosis of a major and life changing mental illness, but western society has us think that we are "less than" if we don't project a patina of having all of the aspects of our life all going well at one time.

Trying to hold it all together endlessly is a very hard road to go - I did it for decades. All people, especially those with mental illnesses, need to get to the point of saying, it's OK to struggle, it's OK not to not be maybe the high achieving person we used to be (that's been a big one for me) - this is a NEW phase in our lives. Don't get me wrong, there is a massive grief process we need to go through to transition from what we were and what we did before, to what we are and what we are capable of now. A very big mindshift, which in itself needs to be both worked on and given time.

Physical illnesses or injuries have a huge interface with our mental illnesses too. The cliche of the mind/body connection is so very true. In dealing with both in parallel (which I have to do too), means that progress in each can be slower and more of struggle, a struggle which seems endless and impossible to overcome. But with time and massive patience, there CAN be progress in both areas.

While your diagnosis itself is a total, scarey and grief inducing mindshift, it can defintely, if you try to embrace it, be the fulcrum to a new life for you. It may be that you have been ill for some time, but undiagbnosed and untreated. Being diagnosed, and starting into the process of finding a right meds mix, is the start towards a better, if different life. And yes, it is a turbulent time of finding your new identity - but that search will truly besr fruit if you allow it. I have Bipolar as well as panic and anxiety and I am also an 11 years sober alcoholic in AA. I got a lot of things back together when I got sober, but it did all go out the window as my mental illnesses escalated.

I am on a totally different footing, living on a Disability Support Pension, alone, no family contacts anymore due to my illnesses and rejection etc. 43 years old so no kids in my future. Can't do my previous but well-loved career. But I am embracing a new life I would never have wished for or planned for myself. But it's my lot and I'm doing my darndest through psychiatry, psychology and my ongoing committed work in AA to have the best life possible for me.

Yes, the meds scenario is a very painful one in reality. I can take years, once a correct diagnosis is made, for the psychdocs to get it right, or as close to right as possible. That's one of the crappiest parts of the scenario - but it IS do-able - you'll see many people on this site who have stuck with the endless meds change an ultimately gotten somewhere productive with it. That's my story too.

And then, there is therapy. I don't believe, personally, that meds should be given in isolation from ongoing therpay - they work in concert with each other to get the best possible mental health outcomes. Again, welcome.

Hi there and welcome. You have really come to the right place - for support and information. You have us to talk to, and will be surprised how much it helps. I suffer from BP II, and mainly battle with depression. I was hospitalised once to start my meds, and once after a suicide attempt following severe depression - so I really do understand.
Allow your tablets time to work. Monitor your moods and side effects constantly. Keep your T and pdoc informed. The most important thing now is patience and tenacity. Keep going until the correct med combo has been found and don't give up hope - it does exist!

HUGS

Thank you all for your posts.......I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, but you've just made it stronger. I've seen my therapist and will talk to her again this week. I saw my pdoc yesterday and we're adding a new med to the one I've been taking. There are no easy answers, but there is plenty of caring and support on these forums......thank you......greylove

"it's OK to not be maybe the high achieving person we used to be "

Wow, WendyAussie. You don't know how much of a weight you just took off of my shoulders. I don't even know what to say. I think I might be crying a little. When I was much younger, I was such an overachiever. Made awesome grades (high school and college). I was skinny, vibrant, healthy, and I had such a bright future ahead of me. I never finished college. I know I am not ugly, but I need to lose at least 50 pounds to feel like myself again. I feel like I am wearing a fat suit that I can't take off. Besides all that, I haven't done anything in my life besides my daughter that I am proud of. I was talking to my therapist today and I told him that I want my daughter to be proud of me. I feel like I am such a disappointment to everyone, my husband especially. Sorry, didn't mean to take over the thread. I just wanted to say that I have never thought that before, that it's okay that I am who I am today. Thank you!

You're not taking over the thread - the things you mentioned are exactly what this thread is about. Yes, the illnesses can take away our previous talents - but not forever - we can re-emerge through recovery through psychiatry, psychology and meds, and for some spiritual enlightenment. And we re-emerge as a NEW butterfly, maybe different and maybe better in many ways. Raising a child is the hughest achievement and your urge to have your daughter proud of you shows that you are already progressing to a better you.

I went from 60kg to 114kg mainly because of psych meds. I had always had weight fluctuations but never anything as dramatic as that. I got a Lap Band which was disastrous, had it taken out last year but it has caused permanent damage to my swallowing function and even with it out I still choke and throw up. For the rest of my life I will need to take a tablet half an hour before every meal to prevent the choking and throwing up, but it doesn't even always work. With all the meds we take both for mental illness and medical illnesses, things get so complicated. People don't understand that not only are we dealing with a serious life threatening mental illness, we have to deal with both physical and mental side effects - I was mis-prescribed a whole class of medds for 6/7 years that swept away my whole life and then nearly my life. I am 100% compliant with my meds and didn't learn until I had nearly died and then moved to a knew town and a new psychiatrist that these meds were contraindicated for me. And in terms of our lives being a shambles to a greater or lesser extent at different times, the fact that I have to take meds at 5-6 different times a day DOES NOT help me to get a streamlined life.

Dear Greylove...I know that feeling of 'life being in shambles' especially the first few months of the diagnosis...I can really relate and feel for you at the moment. Know that this current state that you have will also pass despite being a very difficult journey. I have been there too...just continue to hold on and seek that tunnel...your husband, sister and those who truly care for you will be there waiting at the end of the tunnel. In the meantime, they are holding a saving rope for you...just continue to hang on...you will rise little by little...it is really a process...Hugs from me to you...

hi greylove,
welcome to the forum.
bipolar is not so bad to be diagnosed with. Research shows that they fare better then schizophrenics or schizo affectives (i have the latter). So you have more hope then me. But still i'm doing well. I have been healthy for two years with medication.
You're lucky you have supportive family around you.
best wishes.
lisa

i could really realte to what a few people said here of course that is why we are here. I too was diagnoied later in life with bipolar II. I also had a mental break down one day and started to write all over my walls that there was something wrong and how i am a fixer. that was my problem was being a fixer and a care taker.. I would take care of everyone but me and i htink i did that because i knew that there was something wrong and i didnt want to face it head on. So it was just easier to focus on someone else, but as we all knwo we can only do that for so long. It has been 4 yrs and i just recenly found the rigjht combo of meds that keep me stable, so it does take a while but just hang in there and just as someone else said it will get eaiser to live with. I dont think that you ever are what we think is normal because we need meds to live on for the rest of our lives. And it takes us more to get through the day then other people, bujt i like to think taht we are just that more stronger.

findmyself, I agree that my view of myself is that I won't ever be close to what "normal" people experience (normal to me being somewhere in the largest part of the Bell Curve). That's unless there is some miracle treatment comes from the scientists - don't hold oour breaths!! lol My dreams and expectations are nothing like I had when I was younger and didn't know this freight train was coming - in fact it was already with me - I was just undiagnosed and untreated. But I really aspire to peace in my life, just a few friends and being gainfully occupied in either part time work, study or volunteering, which I haven't been able to do since the bottom fell out of everything. I DO contend that it takes more for us to get through the day than "normies" despite the patronising way people can say (including the mental health profession), that what you are experiencing, the whole of Humanity experiences more or less. Crap. Just look at how much our capacity to function, to work, to be in relationships are affected and the mortality rate for us - and of course our actual experience of the many, many crippling and soul destryoing aspects and manifestations of Bipolar.

But I love your:

i am not where i want to be today...but i am not where i used to be

These responses, all of them, are amazing. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I feel that I am slipping away.....a bit more each day. I cannot believe that I will emerge from this but your posts are giving me something to cling to. I am losing my ability to take routine care of myself, to do anything at all around the house, to go out, everything. I'm terrified that my husband will break down. My sister is a voice on the phone. You are strong, determined people and more than anything I want to follow in your footsteps. My pdoc "joked " yesterday, saying that this wasn't a death sentence......like pancreatic cancer or whatever......but he is light years away from comprehending what a Bipolar 1 diagnosis can do to you. I know that the severity of my situation is extreme......but I will keep returning here to PC to give and get support......thank you and hugs to all of you......greylove

greylove, you mentioned "I am losing my ability to take routine care of myself, to do anything at all around the house, to go out, everything." This is a precarious spot (they are all the clear and very common and dangerous signs) and I have been in it - was in it for a long period of time and it led to the bad thing. (gotta watch what we say on this site as it can get one banned). I mention this as I think you may need a greater level of care than you are getting. It might mean a med change, therapy, but it also may mean a hospitalisation. I have been in a psych was 4 times and I don't regerat one single one of those stays. They have saved my life and re-set me on the right track every time. Your psychiatrist may not be aware (or care or have the ability to understand) how ill you are and how much you need an elevated level of car. Please consider this in the coming days. If you DO feel things are rapidly going down hill - call him and ask for an aurgent appointment. Don't be fobbed off - this is your life here - both the deep human suffering and the potenatial for self harm.

And, if this do escalate and you are in danger of self harm, please call your emergency number and get an ambulance or go to the ER. Please don't be overwhelmed by how forward I am being, these are simply risk management strategies that need to be taken to keep yourself well. And please don't think I am being too forward - it's only because I have experienced it and because I do care.

I say wow to both of you. I needed to hear these words of wisdom because I too and facing much of the same dilemmas.

As to the original poster, definitely work with you p-doc to make sure that you have the right kind and dosage of meds. Sometimes this can be trial and error until the right "cocktail" is identified. Took a while for me but we found one that has kept me largely stable for 3 years and counting.

Take courage, you will get there too but you must persist even through these difficult times. You are not alone in your quest: you have a team of docs and people who are supporting you.

To cap it off I said a prayer that things would go well for you. Don't expect an instant answer, though. Sometimes these things have a way of being answered in a time release fashion.

I wish you well.

Thank you all for the messages, the hugs and the prayers. You are "anchoring" me and I am returning to PC often to get (and hopefully give!) support.

WendyAussie......I can see you understand exactly what I'm going through and have been through once before. Not even the remotest thought that you are being too forward. You have given me incredibly thoughtful and caring posts. I am watching myself very closely and do know what you're saying.......to get myself a "greater level of care" is definitely not beyond the realm of possibility. I cannot let myself go to the bad place again......

Hugs and love to all of you,
greylove

This has been awesome thread - just feel I really needed to add this.
It has been so honest and from the heart, so grounding and inspirational. It just shows that we really are a close bunch - TOGETHER WE CAN DO THIS!

Greylove - hope you're feeling somewhat better. I can only echo Wendy's comments as I've seen her posts and have some insight into what she's been through (Recently anyway). We need to look after ourselves and never doubt ourselves when we feel we need help. This does not mean we are weak - we are being responsible.

Hugs and lots of love to all!

I don't know what I would do without you guys. All of you. Thank you sugahorse......I can't say I've rounded the bend yet, but when I get online and read everyone's post, I remember to breathe. I know you're somehow right......that " together we can do this." As long as I can punch the keys, I know I can stay out of trouble......we are a close bunch.....I feel like I "know" a lot of you already.

Hugs and love,
greylove

(((greylove))) I was out of town and just read your post. Hope your feeling better by now. Your not alone sweetie, we are all here for you!

Sugahorse is right, we can do this together!

I hope things turn around for you sOOn greylove, you deserve to be authentically happy!

My life is also in shambles. I used to be very "high functioning," got a master's degree, worked as a full-time lecturer at a university, drove, and maintained myself.

Since then, divorce, current marriage heading towards divorce, bankruptcy, ten or so 5150's, was homeless for a while, criminal legal problems, living in almost total isolation, etc.

I still have dreams (literally) of going back to school for my PhD. I have that dream quite often. When I wake up it hits me again that there's no way I'm going to get a PhD. Not in my current state and with all the meds eroding my intellect and ability to be creative.

A thought occurred to me recently. I'm doing pretty well for a homeless guy. I have a roof over my head. I (barely) get food and other necessities. I have entertainment even (primarily internet). I lack the creature comforts most others enjoy while on a disability income but the key for me was adjusting to a new lifestyle and learning to cope with less rather than more.

In other words, I've got a severe (imo) mental illness and I was hospital hopping for several years but my emotional state has calmed down a lot in the last two years. There is a new me, and I had to learn how to be the new me. It took time but it happened. I would not know how the story of my life would turn out if I suddenly put a stop to the story.