How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Just living, surving and hoping that the mood swings to subside on the good side. I feel like I have a lot of energy but yet down in the dumps. This is where I go wrong because I always do something that will harm myself. I'm trying to keep up my head and stay away from the edge of no return.I talk to myself all the time to keep my head up and don't look down. Back away from the edge, calm yourself down, and tell yourself tomorrow will be a better day. I feel my soul surrounded by death and the blackness of my hole, darker than ever before. Why must I live like this every day? Is there any help out there for people like me.

Bandit - are you one meds? do you have a doctor or therapist to talk to? You sound very much on the edge...hang in there and know that even though it's bad now, it will get better..just reach out to someone who cares, okay?

exhausted

I feel edgy. nervous, anxious, or a mixture of all three. Some mornings are like this. I often have mornings like this and I just have to ride them through. I suspect it is a medication hangover but I can't be sure. I get on with stuff but everything seems like hard work. My overwhelming feeling is "why bother?". Otherwise I am fine ! I hope everyone else is doing the best they can...

Hi all,
not much up to replying , but bandit, i hope you find the strength to keep going. there is always someone to help you.
PT hope you are having a good w/e at sisiters.. sounds like the best therapy ever!
I get mornings like that clive!

I feel horrible this morning.. coming down from a really intensly manic few days into anxious, iritable, head spinny nastyness. for me this should be called tri polar cos i definately have 3 very distinct states! 0h and "normal" too would make 4.. is that quadripolar?!
Have been refered to psychiatrist cos the gp put me on just anti d's and they are sending me really manic... that was almost 2 weeks ago.. phoned mental health people to ask how referal was going and they said i had been assigned to a doc but it was now up to him to set up appointment! I can wait much longer feeling like this =( dont they realise how long a week can be when your head is in a bad place? told lady on phone that if i didnt get appointment soon i would stop the anti d's cos i dont like being this sparky... she told me not to mess with meds.. but what else can i do.. they wont give me a mood stabaliser until ive seen a psychiatrist.... aaarrrgggg

Morning all, hope everyone is well and hugs to those who are not...

This morning I woke up freezing cold and 40 something degrees outside! It's so not supposed to be getting cold yet.. Now I am worried about how I am going to keep warm in the camper my dad lets me sleep in... Other than that I feel rather neutral right now aside from the slight anxiety thats always with me. Gettin my Wake-n-Bake on so hopefully it will combat that. Overall I feel restless though like I need to be doing something more to improve my situation (even if that means death) I just dont know what to do anymore......

a bit messed up at the moment... was watching a video clip (are they still called that?) and started seeing things... maybe my pdoc was right when he said I was manic last week... now I'm just confused... I just want to know what is normal....

Not doing well at all today. This is the worst day yet. Almost in tears.

Giant hugs to everyone who is in pain and struggling today

I am doing better today anxiety-wise. We are back home again, having been away for a few days, and I am very relieved to be back home. The anxious feelings are still there, but the intensity is less and it's easier to distract myself and think about other things.

I'm okay, just having sleep issues and some anxiety about the computer and what to do with my day. Took the computer into the bedroom and felt safe again...like I could check my email. For some reason I get intimidated when out in the office/living room in the morning. Maybe it's the big window/sliding door at my back that makes me feel insecure over there. My brother is doing better. Not sui any more. I hope it stays that way. He finds out his fate on Wednesday. There's a lawyer involved now to advocate for him. He's always creating a financial or other crisis for my parents. I think he probably has APD or BPD and bipolar. Not sure. Just constantly some drama or other he's always creating and my parents have to (or at least decide to) rescue him. I'm so glad I don't live anywhere near them any more. They're in another state. Upsets me just to hear about stuff over the phone.

thinker: glad to hear your brother is going to get help
sundog: always good to be home
BlackPup: I'm here if you need me, hang in there
Andy: hope you feel better soon! Remember, you have friends here!
Denise, Poly, Clive, sick and bandit: positive vibes coming your way, keep your eye on the prize and don't forget you have support here!

Me: getting much needed therapy from my sister..watching movies, vegging, ranting about my hubs and her boyfriend, got a little drunk last night but it was kinda nice for a change. Wish I could spread this around to all my friends here! Going to try to take some of it home for when I start feeling bad again

It depends when I post as to how I feel. My mornings are often a struggle and I should wait a while before posting. I still have that edgy, anxious, worried feeling but not as bad as yesterday. I know full well that it is temporary but I always feel that it is the end of the world. I guess that's the nature of the beast. I am grateful that today is a bit better.

I have had a cyst on my left arm. I have been having it dressed for what seems like forever. It has been well over 3 months. Today is the first day that the nurse didn't apply a dressing. That has cheered me a lot.

Big {{{hugs}}} to everyone who posts here and who is struggling.

Clive: Sorry your feeling anxious, I know the whole "end of the world" feeling... Glad to hear it is better today though, hope your cyst gets better soon!

PT52: Glad your having a great weekend =)

Me: IDK how I feel today again, Lonely, restless, bored, worthless. groggy... Took my seroquel for the first time in a long time last night and slept way late this morning, thinking about taking another one and going back to bed, not sure yet.... Hope everyone has a great Labor Day!

Back from Tennessee, glad that trip is over. Glad to have everything back to normal. Definitely feeling jet lagged today. Just happy to be back home.
Hugs to everyone not feeling well. Happy Labor Day to everyone.

Feeling extremely anxious/stressed out over going back to work tomorrow. This is how I feel when I SI but I'm trying really hard not to today.

Andy: We're here for you. Don't SI. I know it's tempting, but you'll just feel worse about yourself after you've done it. I know because I've done it before too. This is how I think about it: my body has done nothing wrong. It deserves my love and support as if it were someone else's body. It's just my brain chemistry that makes me feel like I want to hurt myself, but it's not my body's fault. Take it out on a pillow or something that doesn't hurt anyone. Okay?

Me: feeling less anxious this morning, but I've been sleeping in really late over the past 2 days. I have work tomorrow and am not looking forward to it, but trying to just focus on what I want to accomplish today: some reading and maybe some writing.

to everyone.

Andy sorry you have to work when you don't feel up to it. Hope you don't cave to SI as tempting as it may be.

Thinker it is good that you have something to focus on. I know that can make all the difference in the type of day one has. Hoping your day will go well.

(((((PT52))))) Glad you're having a great "therapy" weekend with your sis and that the good feelings are flowing! That sounds great!

(((((Denise)))))) Sending you positive and peaceful vibes and hoping you can rest

(((((Andy))))))) Big hugs to you. I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad, but well done for resisting the urge to SI. Stay strong!!! You can do it!!

((((((vjdragonfly))))) Glad you are back home safely!

(((((((Clive))))))) Glad you are feeling less anxious today. I have those edgy, anxious, worried feelings a lot of the time too and they are very wearing. Wishing you peace!

(((((((thinker)))))))) Glad you are feeling less anxious today too!

I am also feeling less anxious today overall, though I do keep getting surges of anxious feelings. I'm trying to ignore them and stay calm. Trying not to think too much about anything and just spend a quiet day puttering around at home and on the computer. Think I'll go and sit outside in the sunshine with a book for a bit. It is truly a blessing to have a break from the constant anxiety, obsessive thoughts and unpleasant physical sensations that have been holding me prisoner for days/weeks now!!

Wishing everyone a peaceful day!

To all who are struggling today - wishing peace in your hearts and strength in your minds..
To all who are having a good day - I'm right there with you Got home about 1/2 hr ago, beautiful sunny, 67 degrees..enjoying a quiet solitude for once instead of just feeling lonely, even the hubs is being more understanding and has called twice today already. Now I'm going to tackle the housework and I actually believe I might finish!

Wow, Clive, I could've written your first paragraph! Same here. Every stressful thing just swirls up in my head as soon as I wake up. Bleh on that! Nights tend to be totally one way or the other... morose or fairly contented. No telling which!

Last night I got really busy with an art piece. Had all the tools and materials out, lol! (Had to put some away today as there's no room to work at this point. ) It's a very dark piece, but even though I am in constant reflection of what I'm trying to say and how every nuance contributes, I'm so in my element and engrossed in doing it that it actually doesn't get me down. Weird, but true. Hehe, usually get so involved I end up getting blisters, wounds and filthy hands and don't even notice. Wish I could spend all my time doing art, but truth is, it comes and goes. Either I'm off to the races with it, or doing nothing for long stretches (even as the things are happening that later are distilled into pieces, they do not happen then.)

Today has been pretty good, a little lazy, but that's ok. Working a bit more on it, listening to music, will do a little cooking, maybe watch some Sherlock Holmes... and hopefully again tonight work more on it (very messy part coming up...) to keep the otherwise almost inevitable loneliness at bay...

Andy, sundog, Clive, poly: Hoping that you can relax and that your anxiety goes away.
Our minds are so good at convincing ourselves that things are so much worse than they are... take one thing at a time - you don't have to solve everything at once
YAY for the good times
me: last night I had the *BEST* sleep in a long time. I turned off the light then woke up to my sister waking me up the next morning!!! I did kickboxing with her last night so maybe that helped, I was also really tired from not sleeping much the night before... I booked in a session with my T on thursday, so I'm trying not to think about all the confusing crap till then. I really need to get some work done today so I reallly should go...

Thanks for the nice comments and the support.

It is 11 am local time and I am still a little edgy and anxious, not about anything in particular. I usually feel better as the day goes by, but yesterday I went to bed feeling a little bit depressed. I am in self-preservation mode. I am not going to put too much stress on myself.

My weight loss group meets on Tuesday evening. I have not missed a meeting yet, no matter how I have felt in the day. This time, I was really thinking of taking a week off. I will see how I feel later.

I hate myself...

Clive: minimize stress - good idea; hope you feel better soon.
Denise: I don't hate you...hope that counts for something. You are awesome, you know.

Today I'm tired, it's cloudy and kind of cold out, but I have things I have to do. Doubting my good feeling from the weekend, wondering if I should just move in with my sister so I can feel good all the time. Of course, that's not practical or logical...but I'm not feeling terribly practical or logical today...or anything, really...

Denise, I don't know if this will help you, but it's worth a shot. Now that I'm on meds that give me a boost in mood I have finally been able to rationally look at my childhood. I too have hated myself most of my life and I hear a voice in my head that says, "I hate you; I'm going to kill you."

A couple of weeks ago I figured out why I hated myself. First of all I have never wanted to be a victim and abhor that mentality. As a child I was abused in several ways. I blamed myself for everything bad and good that happened to me. Why? It was a warped kind of coping. If I blamed myself, then I created an illusion of control over my out of control environment. I had it within my power, or so I thought, to make choices that would give me good and bad outcomes. So I blamed and took credit for everything. Actually I gave most of the good credit to God and just blamed myself for all the abuse. How I came to hate myself? For all the bad things that happened to me that were my fault and I should have "chosen" better to get a good outcome. It was a vicious cycle.

I still hear the hate you voice, but now I know it comes from that child trying to cope in a world where adults hurt her instead of protecting her. Now I get to be the adult and can care for myself.

You don't have to blame yourself any more. That child that you were and the adult that you are deserves to be nurtured. It wasn't your fault. You are a good person. I can tell from all your posts.

Maybe this has nothing to do with how you came to hate yourself, but there are more reasons that you might discover as you go through therapy or even read self-help books.

When you start to feel better on a good meds combo, I think you may be able to face these feelings of self-hate head on and come out the other side with a new understanding and an inner love for yourself...the innocent part of you. The child who was still full of wonder before the confusion of bad things happening set in.

Sending you big .

Today I feel strange. I woke up at 5:30 and I usually get up at 10. I think I might be a bit hypomanic. Got the lowest scores ever on the depression and mania tests on this site: a 2 for each. Either I'm recovered from my last episode or I'm heading up.

I hope everyone has a good day.