I can't get the psychosis under control. I'm tired, I've been fighting this mood for a month. I've been doing ok with a few hallucinations here and there. I've been sleeping, exercising, taking my meds.

It's 3:30 am I tried to sleep for a bit. I have to be up in a few hours. Tonight I had such bad problems with the voices, and seeing little people. I know they are hiding in my closets and laundry room. Then I got a nose bleed and logically I know it's not the little people causing it, but I felt like it was.

The mirrors are all scary, it's dark, and I feel so nervous that every time I move my gaze I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack in anticipation of the little people coming. I was thinking earlier that I shouldn't have been talking about the voices to my boyfriend or sister, because they would be angry with me. I know this is not logic, but I am half scared to death that it could be true.

I'm reluctant to talk to my pdoc, my last pdoc sort of blew my psychosis off, he told me that lots of people hear voices and 50% were not mentally ill, yay means a lot to me since he diagnosed with a mental illness. I was sent to a step program outside the hospital in sept. when I got there they couldn't have me because of my psychosis at the time so I had to be admitted to the psych ward. I guess I'm nervous about who to talk too and how to talk. The fact that I am getting into a bit of delusions is scaring me a bit.

My boyfriend seems scared of this topic so I don't want to talk to him.
Bit of a rant, sorry

Maybe This should have been posted else where, I dunno

[Trippin2.0]

Glad you posted Anika. Please call your pdoc asap,your meds are clearly not working properly. I know how scary it is to hear things, i can't imagine not being able to trust my sight either. My heart goes out to you. XOXO

[dragonfly2]

(((Anika))) I agree, call your pdoc. Hopefully he will take you more seriously than your last one did. Make him understand the severity of how you're feeling. If he refuses to listen to you, find one who will. I changed providers last year because my old one always said, "you have such good insight", and then when I told her I needed to go back on disability b/c I was getting psychotic she said, "oh, just take a week off, you'll be fine". Yeah. Sure. I found a new doc and he was all for me going on disability and even said he'd eat his shoes if I didn't get it! Now, I'm just using my disability situation as an example, but the point is, if you don't like how your treatment is going, find a new doc. But definitely give your new doc a chance first - you may be pleasantly surprised.

And I know you're afraid of saying anything because of the little people - but remember that they are not real (though I know they feel like they are), and you need to tell people.

I'll be thinking about you.

Thanks ladies,

I didn't sleep, but I have calmed down a bit. I even got the courage to go into the laundry room and see that there was no little people hiding in there, I think, I didn't do a thorough search or anything.

I thought about it and I'm going to run it by on here, gauge my plan making ability. I will call my T and see if I can see her asap. If I can get in to see her I would rather talk to her first and get her to help me on how to talk to my pdoc. I have only seen him twice and he's been totally unhelpful. I had planned to switch but thought it better to wait till my mood had come down.

I have no rapport with him, and no trust established. I am weary of going straight to him. It is hard for me to discuss this subject matter irl. I don't want to be hospitalized because I am a single mom, I don't have a lot of support here and I don't know who would look after my children.

I'm trying to think about meds, the seroquel seems to be failing, so I am thinking maybe an addition of zyprexa. Haha ok I know that's for the dr. to figure out, but I'm not very trusting with meds either.

I think this sounds like a good plan with out too much chaos. Or maybe it doesn't sound good?

Thanks Both of you for listening to me, I truly hate the feeling of not being able to trust your own mind.

Dragonfly, funny you said that, I get the insight thing all the time too, frustrating when you insight yourself out of receiving help.

Seriously. I called my pdoc after not being able to get a hold of t. He's off till Wednesday and the receptionist tells me he has nothing available. She tells me I can ask at the pharmacy if I'm having side effects. Damn that's some massive side effects haha. Uggh I asked her to please give him a msg. He didn't call back last time. I only have enough seroquel for two more days. Bahh I feel like swearing.

[ScooterBug]

Anika ... I've been there before!! Hang in there sweetie!!! I was raised Pentecostal ... it's a Christian religion that believes in exorcisms and demons, etc. Well, ever since I was little I would have moments of hallucinations and psychosis and my parents, family, and pastor all believed it was the devil possessing me or attacking me in my sleep.

The reality of it all is that I am Bipolar and hallucinate with the things I fear most.

I hear voices, see shadows, and feel tugging and pulling and breaths on my neck. I have learned that with the right meds and so common sense that it's not really demons after me, but my hallucinations and psychosis.

I had a REAL hard time telling anyone about what I saw, heard, felt, and believed. Luckily I have had the opportunity of finding the right meds that finally put those demons at bay. Now that I'm off my meds for pregnancy I find myself looking at things every so often from the corner of my eyes and wondering if there is a demon lurking near by.

I'm sorry that your pdoc is not available ... try to hang in there and talk to him about this in full blown honesty. Your previous pdoc (sorry to say this) was a moron! I'm sorry you dealt with such a closed minded individual. I hope your new pdoc will be available soon and will have some knowledge regarding hallucinations.

I send hugs your way!!!!

[Confusedinomicon]

I was there for a while a couple months ago. My pdoc added Zyprexa and it seems to be working for my psychosis. I haven't had any visual or tactile hallucinations since. I had this problem where I thought the voices were actually stabbing my brain with negative emotions. It was really uncomfortable! I even had names for all of this, but kinda forgot them. ((HUGS)) Your plan sounds good, talk to the T asap.

[BNLsMOM]

I am sorry you are going through this. I have gone through 4 pdocs in two years because I just couldn't find one who I worked with well. I have been with my current pdoc for just over a year now and I really like the relationship we are building.

When I have trouble I go to my T first because I feel more comfortable with him and sometimes during my appointment we call my pdoc together.

Anyway you shouldn't have to be going through this without professional support. I hope your t and pdoc are available soon. Do they have an emergency line?

Well, my therapist got me in to see her. Turns out after I spoke with her on the phone my psychiatrist stopped in at the office, they work in the same office. My therapist asked him if he had talked to me, she told him that I was really unstable and that if I called for help that I must be in a really bad spot because I never call for help. I've had her for almost 5 years so she knows me well.

His response to her was "yeah I got a msg, but I'll call her tomorrow maybe." She asked him why I was paying for my own medication when I have pharmacare for disability and if he needed forms to get it covered. His response was " oh yeah I do need forms, maybe you can research for me and find out." My T didn't look too happy about this. I explained to her that he had dismissed my concerns of an episode coming on at my last visit.

She sent him an email that I need a new prescription for seroquel as I am running out. I haven't heard anything back so I am assuming I will have to get it at the walkin clinic again. This is ridiculous. She did devise a plan to get me a new pdoc, but it could take 4 to 5 months to get an app. Wow this sucks. My old Pdoc was actually pretty good, maybe not so with the psychosis but everything else was great. So I guess I'm just sort of blowin' in the wind for now. Gonna have to figure this out without any med adjustments. I'm feeling a little disgusted right now.

Thanks for all your support, you guys are amazing!!! Sometimes I need told to call because I'm pretty hesitant to ask for help.

Scooterbug, Pentecostal here too, well raised pentecostal, I am not of these beliefs, my family has abandoned this sect as well. It was a heavy dose of brainwashing growing up tho.

Still no word from my Pdoc yet.

I'm still not feeling like myself, I came home this morning after dropping off the kids at school, and I am still scared to go in the laundry room or upstairs. I had to go upstairs to get some things but I made it real snappy and no looking around. I almost feel scared to make any noise in the house at all.

I hope he calls cause I need my prescription renewed, but I don't want to talk to him either after having that meeting with my t yesterday and I feel like he'll know what we had said about him.

I have an app with the dietician this morning and I really don't want to go. I walk there which is an hour there, hour walk back. I don't mind usually but I don't feel like being in public, or the stress of talking to her about food right now. Or the stress of worrying about seeing things in her office. Those little people better not show up there too.

I wish I didn't have to hang out all by myself today

[madisgram]

anika, first off your previous pdoc should have not blown you off. real or unreal you need help with it and possibly meds for the symptoms.
secondly your new pdoc needs to be informed about what's going on. he is supposed to help you even tho your last pdoc didn't. i urge you to discuss this with him. i understand your hesitancy from previous experience but why have a pdoc if you need to address what's going on? if you have no success i urge you to switch pdocs again. there are good ones and inept ones. you need to filter the bad ones out.
glad u posted and hope my comments may help u.

Thanks Madisgram,

My t is trying to get a switch right away to yet another new pdoc. I'm trying to discuss the situation with him, but he doesn't call back, and could careless. He is the worst dr. I've seen. I looked online on rank your md. He got the lowest score in my whole city for psychiatrists. I'm not shocked, but I'm not in good hands. My therapist also has talked to him about my needing help right now, and about my meds, she didn't hear back either.

If I don't hear from him I'll get meds at the walk in clinic. But that also means my meds stay the same, no adjusting for the symptoms.

Your comments do help a lot!!

Ok so I won't be hearing from him today, or anyone else. I got text from my cell phone company telling me I had to make a past due payment of 60.00.

I called to make an arrangement to pay in a few days. I only get disability payments once a month, so usually this is ok. Not today tho, they already suspended it. My credit limit with them is 400 so I don't understand.

Ohhhh so fun!

[ScooterBug]

Anika, I feel for you sweetie!! I know it's easier said than done, but just try to relax and know that after the storm comes the calm. I know you're in Canada so things are a little different than here in the US, but there is a phone program here that is for anyone who is the state's care. They cover the fee. It's not a cell phone, but a house phone and it helps for times like these. Try and see if Canada has anything similar.

Thanks Scooterbug

I've never heard of such a thing, that's pretty neat, I don't know if we'd have that here, Thanks for thinking of me.

My lovely boyfriend texted me asking it it were working now, aww he paid it while he was at work, I had emailed him so he didn't think I was ignoring his texts. He said he paid it cause he missed me too much with no texts. He's pretty special.

I called to make sure I didn't miss a call, no one has heard from pdoc yet. Shocking

You guys, thanks so much, each of you.
I came looking for some support online because I've been in a bad way lately. I looked at lots of other sights, but this one stuck out to me because of the awesome people here, caring, compassionate, encouraging, listners, and sharers. It really makes a difference in peoples lives.

My Pdoc finally called last night.

First he must have had the wrong patients info, he was saying "Betty said you were planning on staying up 7 nights in a row and that your not sleeping" I don't know a Betty and I am mostly sleeping. He was using a rather annoyed tone with me. He then say's "ok well what did you want, more meds?" I asked if I could just explain what is going on, and his response was " uuhhhh........well I guess"

I explained about the psychosis and delusions and elevated mood, then he asked if I had experienced psychosis before even though I had told him this at my last app. I said yes I have , and said "ok" . he said he'll call in a prescribtion for seroquel and that I can figure out how much I want to take. Um the seroquel isn't working.

OK is this normal? Is this what to expect from a pdoc? He was quite rude and kept interrupting me even tho I was trying to explain quickly. When I asked if I could explain since it seemed he had no idea what was going on, even tho he received msg's from me and my t. His "uhhhh... ok I guess" sounded so irritated that I dare ask. So I am on my own I guess.

My old pdoc never acted like this, did I just luck out?

[dragonfly2]

If at all possible, get thee to a new pdoc. This is not normal. Yes, sometimes they might get their messages a bit mixed up from whomever is taking them, but once he realized who he was talking to, he should have been up to speed. Oh, and he gets paid to treat you, so his possible annoyance was uncalled for. Did you tell him the Seroquel wasn't working? Did he change your dosage? You shouldn't have to be on your own with this. If things continue to go downhill, I would strongly suggest going to an ER and having their on-call pdoc take a look at your case.

I know you are in Canada and that the health care system is much different from us down here in the US, but your taxes pay for the health services, and you are still the consumer.

Hang in there dear.

Ok after spending the whole day in a deep " I want to kill myself " mood, I don't know what the hell is going on any more.

I'm mixed for three weeks, I'm manic for a week, I'm mixed for a day,then depressed, manic for a few days, then mixed, now very depressed for 9 hours, now back up...

I have never experienced this before, I have no clue what is going on. My pdoc as stated above is not interested in being a pdoc.

I'm really starting to question the seroquel. And I have to figure this out on my own. I'm thinking stop the seroquel and see what happens. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but I can't think of anything else. I can't take this anymore, I've been functioning a minimal level for almost a month.

I feel like everything is falling to **** around me. My house is usually spotless inside and out, my garden is usually beautiful and pond pristine. Not anymore, I am forgetting kids functions, house is well ... I'm half expecting Martha Stewart and Emily Post to show up and seize my swiffer , garden is a mess, pond is an algae habitat, and of course I spent all my money already while manic, on cleaning supplies.

The seroquel makes my body feel very tired and unmotivated, but my mind is running marathons still. I feel like it's robbing me of living.

Sorry I know I posted lots here, posting seems to be helping me maintain some sanity. I've been very closed off , home alone most days and some nights alone, not really seeing any people aside from appointments, and my bf (we don't live together) and my kids.

[dragonfly2]

(((Anika)))

Ok after spending the whole day in a deep " I want to kill myself " mood, I don't know what the hell is going on any more.

I'm mixed for three weeks, I'm manic for a week, I'm mixed for a day,then depressed, manic for a few days, then mixed, now very depressed for 9 hours, now back up...

I have never experienced this before, I have no clue what is going on. My pdoc as stated above is not interested in being a pdoc.

I'm really starting to question the seroquel. And I have to figure this out on my own. I'm thinking stop the seroquel and see what happens. I know I'm not supposed to do that, but I can't think of anything else. I can't take this anymore, I've been functioning a minimal level for almost a month.

This sounds like rapid cycling to me, and it can be very dangerous, especially with the mixed states and serious depressions. And you were having symptoms of psychosis as well. Please don't try to handle this yourself. Stopping the Seroquel could have disastrous results. Go to the ER.

I repeat: GO TO THE ER.

Even if you're not actively suicidal (which it sounds like you were earlier today?), they should be able to help you. Print out your posts from here if you're not sure what to tell them. Don't let this go another night. Please. Go to the ER.

Thanks Dragonfly,

I did go to the er. With out your encouragement and capital letters I don't think I would have.

You were correct, rapid cycling like mad. I just wanted to make sure I said thanks to you! Hopefully there will be an end in sight to this now. Thanks for being there.

[dragonfly2]

I did go to the er. With out your encouragement and capital letters I don't think I would have.

Oh, I am so glad you went. I was really becoming quite concerned about you. Were they able to give you some different meds??

[dragonfly2]

Saw your other post...glad you're safe.