As the day goes on I am falling apart...

I am starting to feel more bummed out , lonely , and just uggggh feel like screaming. I was supposed to work on costumes today. I am the costume maker around here every year for my kids, a few friends , a few family members. I am just not into it this year, I didn't get a thing done. My mood is... I dont know. Its not good. I don't want to do anything, have zero motivation.

I feel like crying. I don't even know over what. I feel lonely in a house full of kids. I feel like screaming and crying and hurting myself. I'm not even sure why. I just feel extreme pain right now. Pain for my future, pain for my past. No matter how many people I am around I always feel lonely.

Oh and I think there is anger in there, which I am not used too. Somehow hurting myself seems like it will somehow make me feel better. I have only sh a few times long ago. I don't know what the urge is.

I understand that feeling. I have been dealing with it a lot lately. I hope that you feel better soon.

Anika, I do not know if this hurts or helps, but I envy you. Envy a house full of kids - I also have three kids but I do not see them and live all by myself. Envy the skillfulness - my gosh, make costumes for the whole block. I am not skilled with my hands.

I felt very lonely a few days ago before my hubby came home from out of town it sucked! ..I feel for you (((hugs))).

Do you think you're mood is "not good", because of your appt.'s on Mon and Wed? (from the other thread).

I don't self injure, however don't people do that for punishment, to evade numbness or to feel "real"?... Are you having any of those issues?

If you are not well enough to do the costumes, maybe you should bow out of doing them this year. Anyone who knew you weren't feeling well would understand.

I do believe we have to know when we can push ourselves a bit, but also we have to know when we've bit off more then we can chew... Perhaps, reflect on your situation and up coming appt's to see if they are causing your mood to shift...

Hope you feel better tomorrow!

Natalya, It doesn't hurt. I know I should be happy right. Just kids they can't relate. I keep my problems from them they have enough on their plate. They are in a different world.

I'm sitting here thinking of all the ways I could sh and what would feel best. I cannot handle all the pain when it hits me all at once. My soul hurts so much. No matter how much therapy I have done. All the abuse always comes back like it is attached to my soul on a silver string. I'm a faker, a faker at being well, being important, being loved, being of value.

Unfortunately you need to feel the pain (cry, scream, hit a pillow), sh will just create more pain for you. Sit with the pain of the "present moment". You have no power over the past- it will just haunt you and the future is not here yet... Plan for the future if you can, however don't distress over it too much, because eventually the future will also become your present moment. Seeing that you're in a considerable amount of pain- only deal with the problems that arise in the present moment, ultimately that's all we have control over anyways.

Anika,
I feel for you. Abuse leaves a horrible aftermath. Be very gentle on yourself and reflect on the fact that at the very least you are not recreating abuse (are not addicted to being abused), and that alone is a mighty accomplishment! I have a problem with recreating it and apparently it is very hard to overcome, so I congratulate you on having built a life for yourself where you do not subject yourself to more trauma from other people.

Dij, For me I think it would be a release of pain when the pain becomes too much to bare. Like you get scared the pain isn't going to stop. It's like I can feel every painful things that ever happened all at once, it's too much.

I think the app Wed is a big trigger, I know what lies beneath and I know what's going to have to be brought to light. It has a lot to do with my father. Which is already a loaded topic for me. I think I will bow out of what I can this week. I wasn't expecting this to be so bad.

Anika, I'm sorry I'm getting in on this late. I think I'm caught up, tho, & this decision to "bow out" of what you can sounds like a wise one. Too much is piled up here.

I think it shows growth & strength on your part to know when to say "This far but no farther." Pushing ourselves past the breaking point is the sick way of doing things. Knowing your breaking point & choosing ahead of time not to go there? WoW. Break thru.

These seem like tremendously healthy instincts, Anika. How does it feel to you?

Roadrunner, I know you are right. My thinking at the moment says failure, letting people down. Never been good at that. But I've come a ways on my people pleasing ways.

I know sh is wrong, and is abuse in itself. I have not ate today and I think I should try to let that be self harm enough. Doesn't feel the same, but ultimately somehow I should know that is self harm too.

Does it ever get better. Does the pain ever go away? I've never been one to be angry. I hardly know how. I don't know if I am scared to be angry, what will happen? I was never allowed to be angry. And I don't allow myself to be angry now. I just don't know how to be. Sorry I am just placing my thoughts. Feels a bit better to get it out.

Thanks for listening and talking me through this guys. Its something you cannot put a price on.

Me too. I feel so lonely.

Anger is an emotion. Part of abuse is being told what to feel, what not to feel.

The abuse is over, Anika. You may feel, now. All the emotions. You can feel them thoroughly. Let the anger wear itself out. Until you can do that, the abuse--telling you what you may feel--goes on.

Part of my abuse involved telling me it was my fault, I made him do this and he didn't want to. This tied sh into it all for me, I finally figured out in therapy. I was amazed when I finally understood how much of abuse was passive-aggressive, him finding ways to manage me into abusing myself.

It can get better. But for me the pain didn't begin to go away until I learned how to be angry at him & let myself be. I had to get actually fist-swinging, screaming furious with him before it really started to turn around for me. I didn't know myself that day, but then I got my life back slowly.

That's how it was for me, anyway.

s, Anika, .

Anika! I agree with roadrunner that it is showing good judgement to know when to back off when you're feeling over-committed. (I over-committed big time a couple years ago for Halloween. As much as I love it, what started out as fun got to a point where it definitely wasn't.) Best to put on the brakes before that! And to recognize that you are struggling with other things as well and honor the space you need for that? Really, well done!
No need to apologize, Anika! This is a great place to be able to talk about your thoughts. We're all in this together.
You are in my thoughts, sweetie...

Ughh no pm's for sleep. Last night I didn't get to sleep till 7 am. Not so great, night before 6 am. I am digging through all my meds looking for something to take. An antipsychotic? I dunno I'm always afraid they will bring me down when I am down. Don't know if that's correct, I doubt it is.

Sleeping pills are activating for me (yeah, I know, right?!) and one of the things my psych sggested last session was trying Benadryl (the allergy med). I've only tried it a couple of times, but it did help me. As always, please check in case that would be a bad idea with anything that you are on, but it's an idea, and something you might have on hand.

Really? that's interesting. I take Benadryl for my allergies, but it makes me high as a kite, and it also makes me wig out a fair bit. I was prescribed antipsychotics for sleep in the past and more recently for psychosis, so I think it would be alright. I am scared to miss too much sleep and actually end up taking them for psychosis again.. or manic, as fun as that sounds.

Just got on here & saw where you have had such a stressful day. If you could lighten you're load without feeling guilty, I say go for it. Whatever it takes to make you feel less stressed& to not have thoughts to SH.

Hopefully you can keep your 2appointments this week. It's a start, as scary as it is. Don't feel like your ED & past have to be conquered in a week or a year or 5 years. If you feel you have too much to do this week maybe your case worker can at least reschedule your volunteer work from tomorrow to next week. Although I don't know how things work in Canada, seems there a lot of waiting lists...

I'm not good at writing the mushy stuff, wish I was. Just know someone cares & will be here whenever you need a few words to get you thru the night, so to speak.

Ahhhh. Better skip that idea then!
Working with sleep issues is still fairly new stuff to me, and I have some paradoxical reactions, so it's been interesting.
Hope you are able to figure something out or are able to get to sleep w/o...
Wishing you sweet dreams, Anika...

Anika, How are you feeling?
Did you decide on coffee or try & get some sleep?
Just checkin in. Not being able to sleeping can be frustrating.

Whatever you decide about all you have going on this week, I know you can do it! You weren't allowed to show you're feelings. I'm so glad you share them here. Gives us a chance to support you as best as we can.
Take care & will look for your post.

Chaotic, a big thank you for all your support and kindness!!

I decided on coffee, I'm my own worst enemy, coffee is such a comfort thing to me Aka addiction I am going to take some zyprexa tho, as I know not sleeping is a trigger for mania for me. I've managed to calm myself down and only take the feeling in small doses. Remind myself that it will pass.

Thanks again, I feel selfish talking me me me. I hope you get some sleep as well

You are so welcome my dear!

Taking things in small doses is a very smart & mature way to deal.
Life's issues weren't dealt to you over night, so healing needs to happen as you can handle it with your support workers.

Hope your zyprexa kicks in soon, my lamictal & klonopin have.
Goin for some zzzzzzz's now. Take care of yourself.

My mother tried to hide her pain when I was little. It made me try to hide my pain too. I didn't want her to see me suffer or think that she was a bad parent. I was just diagnosed as bipolar. I wished she had let me in then. I would have done my best to help her. I would have also understood so much more about myself. Not only could I have been there for her earlier on in lifelong struggle of suffering, but I would have known why it also affected my sister and me. My mother is undiagnosed now, but we've made strides in our relationship since I've been diagnosed.

Anika, I hope you get some decent sleep and feel better tomorrow.

Didn't get to sleep till 5 am up at 7 with the kids, layed down after the kids left and damn. Fell asleep. Got a call from my community support worker saying she came to pick me up, rung the bell. The bell doesn't work at my house. So I missed my app and feel guilty. Uggggh plus I must call her back making me super anxious.