Thoughts

BNLsMOM, I really don't like where this is headed. It sounds like you are in a lot of danger. Can you call a crisis line? Distract yourself in some way with a book or a movie? If you find yourself moving towards the pill bottle, you need to put it down, grab a phone, and call 911. Please stay safe. You know that you don't want to die, but it doesn't seem that you are in control right now.

I came downstairs to post a little so that I would not be upstairs in bed spinning my thoughts. I am extremely afraid of making phone calls.

I am willing to go to the ER after Halloween is over if I need to. I missed it last year because I was in the hospital, and I really don't want to miss it this year. I want to spend that time with my kids. (and steal some peanut butter cups)

Does a crisis line trace your call and send police after you?

I am going back to bed to see if I can sleep. I can still salvage the night and get a few hours.

Just got back on here, watched some tv.
Wish there were some great words of wisdom here. Just wanted to let you know been following your post on this thread & am really worried about you.

Isn't the claim to fame of the crisis lines is confidentiality.

Call them! Tell them your thoughts & you can't control them.
I wouldn't worry about the police. It's their job to know how to talk to someone worried about their thoughts taking over even if you really don't want to harm yourself.

My heart goes out to you, this gets so old, not much you can enjoy.
But please make the call tonight, hubby won't know. Go outside if you have to & call them multiple times if you need to!

Please call now!!!

I agree with every one ,,Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee take care of you ..

Just call a hotline.. sometimes just saying things outloud to another person can lift the load enough for you to stay safe .

I have called a hotline numerous times this year and to be honest they saved me from doing something stupid and or winding up going to a psych ward voluntarily ..

Its much easier to make a phone call than letting things get even worse ..

Please be safe and remember all the support your getting !!!!

Wishing you Love, Peace and hugs !

if I even miss my medication by a couple hours suicide ideation intrudes again. I don't know why, it happens whether or not I had a great day, am depressive or manic. It's just flashes, like it's edited by some hack music video producer. I don't act on it but I sometimes let myself slip into dwelling on philosophical right/wrongness and pros/cons when I try to talk myself out of it.

I know it can be scary because you feel like you should have control and yet, it's just not there. Like a bad dream. Please don't just forget about it once it subsides, I know it's easy. You can get through this

I hope you're asleep right now and dreaming peacefully. Just wanted to say that I'm worried and thinking about you too

Please don't choose a way out when there's certain to be a way through. As others have suggested, if you feel an urge, call a crisis line. Talk about anything and everything under the sun (even if it's complete gibberish) for as long as it takes for the feeling to subside. That's what they are there for - to save your life.

I hope you are feeling better when you wake up.

This means that "you", the spiritual "being" doesn't want to die, however the ego/mind is causing such suffering that you want to be separate from it controlling "you".

Go to the library and get the book "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. This book will start you on the journey that ultimately encompasses the end of suffering caused by the mind. To free "you" from your "mind"....and yes they are separate, however the mind wants full control which causes "you" to suffer.

I didn't get much sleep last night. I think I fell asleep around 2 and then just kept waking up until morning. I thought I would be more tired, but so far I am OK. I dropped the kids off at school and went to take care of the cats. There were only four left. They had a big adoption weekend. I have had fleeting thoughts, like when I left the store, I briefly wondered if there was time to do anything (you know what) today. I immediately came back to reality.

It occurred to me that it could be the Wellbutrin that is making me think this way.

I have a lot of anxiety today.

When did you last change the Wellbutrin dosage? Has it caused problems before?

Try to stay in the present. That might help with the anxiety.

I'm coming in on this late. But I hope you are doing a little better. Worried about you too.

I forget exactly when I first started Wellbutrin, over the summer, maybe? I was on 200mg, then went up to 300mg and felt really anxious and angry, so pdoc took me back down to 150. That was about two weeks ago.

I just read your posts and know where you are at as I have been having lots of SI--and had serious past suicide attempts, including one that left me in a coma for 3 days.

I just try to hang on for my daughter and hope I can get through a bad time like the one I am having--I just think how tramatic it would be to have a mother who commits suicide and try to hold on to that.

This is my 1st time on any online support site--I just registered--used your user name to think of one for me-- but I wanted to tell you to try to hang on as I am trying also.

I am having trouble in my marriage also. At least your husband cares, I told my husband I was suicidal a few days ago and he went away on a business trip and didn't even call--the irony is he is a lobbyist for one of the biggest consumer mental health groups and he knows nothing about bipolar and doesn't seem to give a damn. At least your husband cares to want you to go to hospital or your own safety.

Hang in there--I will do the same.

(((((BNLsMOM)))))
Please be very very very careful! Know that you are very much in my thoughts...

(Sorry to not post earlier, just now catching up on PC.)

Trick or Treating was fun with the family. The kids brought in loads of candy.

I told my husband how I have been feeling and he said that it makes him feel like I don't trust him when I don't tell him right away. I told him that I don't trust anyone, really, in that state. I was annoyed that he made it about himself when I was finally asking for some support and strength from him. Not that I really expected anything different which is one reason I didn't want to tell him. He asked me if I need to go to the hospital and I said that I don't think so, but I'll see how I am through the night and into tomorrow.

I'm glad you got to have the nice Halloween you were looking forward too. Take care of yourself...

I'll pray for you right now.

Keeping you in my thoughts, BNLsMOM...
Glad you had a nice time out and about with the kids.

His ego/mind was bruised/injured (theoretically speaking) - knowing you didn't tell him makes him feel unworthy and "less than" in some way. He took on the "poor me" how could she not tell me, trust me, love me enough...etc, etc.

But, you have to remember he doesn't know your suffering like you do...he hasn't dealt with the on going knowledge of it recently, because as you know, you didn't tell him. He may be in a bit of shock that he didn't know you were feeling this way and has been probably going on with life as usual. He may even have guilty feelings that are uncomfortable and therefore turned them outwards towards you.

I'm sure he loves you and wants to help you...try to remember that others who are "quote on quote" ...normal... also, have difficulty with dealing with things appropriately at times.

I'm glad you told him...now try to keep the trust intact with being honest when you don't feel well. Keeping secrets is no way to live- But I get "it" I've done it myself in the past- but paid dearly for it also...

Just my 2 cents
Hope you feel better soon!

Hugs to all who suffer from these thoughts
I used to feel like this all the time. What helped for me was to realise that God made me and loves me as I am and if he thinks I'm worthwhile then who am I to say I am not!!! I still have arguments with God over when I feel like this but He usually wins the argument!
I will be praying for you all that you can feel the peace that comes from God's love and acceptance.
Apologies to anyone who finds this post offensive due to its blatant disregard for the no religion rule!!!!!

I am grappling with calling pdoc. Things are a bit better with fleeting thoughts coming in now and then. Right now, I think I will go back to bed.

I'm so glad you've made it this far, BNLsMOM, & that you had that great Hallowe'en you wanted with your family. But if you're "grappling" with calling pdoc, that sounds like a pretty strong sign that it's time to deal with this threat.

The thoughts are still coming at you. How much longer are going to gamble that one of them won't be The One?

My thoughts & prayers continue to be with you.

I feel like my mood is OK, and the thoughts peaked on Sunday night. I don't see a reason to call her. At the same time, I was having those thoughts to begin with and that's not normal. I just don't want to be needy. I am afraid of her reaction, or that she will be angry with me.

Why is it so hard to make a simple phone call?

I jsut have to call. This is getting silly now.

I hate making calls too, anxiety and ughh just stress. But I think you should make the call, I don't think your being needy or that she will be angry.

I have some calls to make myself today. So we can both do this right? I'm gonna start right now. You can do it!!

Pdoc called me back and told me to go up on my antipsychotic despite the high prolactin side effect and we will figure out what to do at my next appointment, which I can move up if I need to. She also reminded me about using the ER if things get scary again.

Oh good! Im so glad you called. I have problems making phone calls too. Good for you!

I am glad you called and got an answer. I also try remind myself that my doctors would prefer to work with me before I reach a crisis point as I don't think too well then. You don't strike me as someone who is calling all the time, so I would just call whenever you feel you need to and don't second guess that feeling.