I really need some help with this

So I haven't really been myself lately. Things have been different, I have been different.

I'm not sure what my mood is. I'm not depressed, I'm not manic, and I certainly am not in normal mode, what else is there?

I find myself questioning everything lately, my relationships, the people I know. I feel like no one is showing all their cards, I'm very on guard. Looking for any discrepancies. I feel a disconnect with myself, everything I thought I knew, what am I? It's driving me crazy, driving my bf crazy. I'm being silent and then burst and silent again. I tried talking to myself about how to disconnect from things, trying to convince myself that that is the only true way to protect myself. When I look at other people in stores or wherever, all I can see is that they all have dark secrets, no one is pure. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.

All I have worked towards for many years is to have a pure, wholesome life. I shut out the true nature of humans and replace it with my own fantasy of what I want people to be. Pure, loyal, honest, just goodness. I know it's not reality, and forcing myself to look at it leaves me feeling empty, hurt, and unsure. How am I supposed to live with this. It's breaking my very soul. Is the only way out to not have any human interaction? I can't do that.

I don't know the real point of this post, I suppose to see if others identify with this. Maybe some insight, or advise. I want to get past this stuff, but not by sacrificing my own compasses.

Sorry if this doesn't make a ton of sense, I thought I probably shouldn't post this at all, but it's been eating at me for weeks. I feel like I am loosing my world and being forced to live in one that I would rather not enter. Nothing specific has happened, it's just the knowing. I've given a mask to the world that I live in, but the mask is slipping.

I wanted to add that I know it is not fair to not accept things, people for who they are, no one is perfect. I'm not looking for perfection, I think I'm looking for heart. I feel a bit of guilt for not being able to accept the world as it is, but this is my survival, this is how I am able to exist here.

I have a sense of what you're alluding to, Anika. It is not all foreign to me. I am about to take off for work now but will be in touch shortly after I'm off at 9 pm EST.

Roadrunner

(((Anika))) Your post does make sense to me. And, admittedly, it also leaves me a bit concerned for you. I understand the disconnect. I understand seeing through the facades, seeing the underbelly of the world around us. For me, it can be a part of the dissociation. Not the unreal, skewed perception part, but more the hyperaware "knowing" as you have described. When I get to that point, I feel very Alien..not sure if you've ever read any Heinlein, but times like that I really identify with the main character from Stranger in a Strange Land. Or sometimes it's more of a Holden Caulfield/Catcher in the Rye sense of phoniness in the world..not sure. I'm just on a different level of awareness sometimes. And sometimes that's a good thing...and sometimes it isn't.

You see, for me, that "knowing" can turn into paranoia. I'm sensing tones of that in your post. You may not be in a clear-cut mood episode, but this still may be worth calling your pdoc over. But at the same time, I don't want to discount feelings of awareness. My God, if we called every heightened sense of spiritual awareness pathological, we'd have whole monastic societies medicated....just be cautious that that "awareness" doesn't turn into something darker.

Sending safe hugs your way...

All I have worked towards for many years is to have a pure, wholesome life. I shut out the true nature of humans and replace it with my own fantasy of what I want people to be. Pure, loyal, honest, just goodness. I know it's not reality, and forcing myself to look at it leaves me feeling empty, hurt, and unsure. How am I supposed to live with this. It's breaking my very soul. Is the only way out to not have any human interaction? I can't do that.


This hits home with me. Caring for the world outside alot, but at the same time living in your own. When things go wrong outside, one takes it as attack on them, because that is not how we want it to be, things are not supposed to be this way.

I am not sure if I have any advice here... it's hard to accept people are not nice (or that they don't have good intentions, that they are not as intelligent and aware as we would like them to be). Find those who are good match to you to surround yourself with. And try to find the good things in real world, not in the world where we'd like to live. They are there, somewhere.

I think this is spiritual thing (tbh, I don't sense any "paranoia" in your posts. Just sadness over the state of the world. You are def not alone in that). Damnit, the world sucks. We are disconnected. And we try to adjust ourselves to the bad state of world, making those who are not able to suffer... and we tell them it's them (us?) who has a problem. The key is to find a balance between seeing and being aware of what is going on... and between being at peace with it.

Anika, so sorry you are struggling at the moment. I must admit, I agree with dragonfly2. I was thinking exactly the same as I read your post: verging on echoes of paranoia. Even though I fully understand what you are saying and can absolutely relate. But it was never a good thing when it happened to me...

The other thing that strikes me is the strong black & white nature of your thinking, although you do qualify it in your second post. You don't have to accept the world the way it is - but then you have to be at peace with that perspective. And you're not at the moment. Sorry for the cheesey platitudes, but no-one is completely full of dark secrets and no-one is completely pure, as you of course know. And there is nothing you can do about either of those things. As you indicate at the beginning of your first post, I don't think you are discovering something new here - I think we are talking about a shift in your thinking. I hope that is not too presumptuous of me.

I lived for a long time believing everyone was evil and I was the only one who could see it - I could not understand why no-one did anything about it. I felt corrupted by it. Impure, as you say. It's only now that I realise how distorted that was. No good comes of that kind of thinking, although trust me I know how compelling it is.

I don't really have any advice sadly, except to say try to stay grounded and in touch with yourself, bring the focus gently back to yourself because that is something you can control (you know what I mean... ). Don't 'force yourself' to confront anything. Having no human interaction is not the only way out - adjusting your perspective on human interaction is important. Trying to tease out the good that is already in people and indeed, not compromising yourself.

Easier said than done. I feel like I'm way off base I wanted to say that if the dark thoughts persist and you are unable to control them please do consult your pdoc, if not already now.

Thinking of you, and I hope the weirdness passes soon.

(((((( Anika )))))))

So sorry you are struggling with all this mess.. you know what I think.

Know you are in my thoughts and im sending you light and love daily

Dragonfly, Venus, Beebusy, Morethingswrong, thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Lots to digest. This isn't the first time I've gone through these thoughts or feelings.

I have a long history of abuse and trauma. I have dealt with it a lot, tried to make as much peace out of it as I can, have forgiven and tried to let go. I'm sure I set this rosey colored world up for my viewing as a way to survive. I feel at peace and happy and content when I am in it. When it starts to crumble I feel scared, sad and lost.

No no one is all good or all bad. But I feel like I have seen enough bad, I'm tired of looking at it. So I shift my gaze to the good, and and put blinders on to the bad. Not that I don't know it exists, but that I will not give it any attention. Lately I have been giving the bad focus. I mean is it really ok to live in a rosey colored world to get by, too feel good.

I don't really feel myself as being a really black and white thinker. I know there is a lot of grey area, I just don't now what to do with the grey. And you know , others can sometimes see things that you can't see yourself. I'll give some serious though to the black and white thinking. And yes there is some paranoia, and sadness. I don't think this is a mood thing, more just a coping skill. Also i was raised in a very "religious" home, although I am not religious, I am sure this has it's lasting effects. Spiritually I feel pretty alone sometimes. I'm sure we all do, especially when there is no distinct religion being followed. My bf says he never thinks about things like spirituality, so I don't find any connection there in talking to him about these things.

So I think I am not ready to move out of this safety zone yet. I'm glad I am not alone in this type of thinking, I'm sure it's pretty commonplace. Just no one to talk about this too really and I need to get out of my own head a bit.

Is it really that bad to live with our masks of the world? I would think we all do it to some extent? There is bound to be some blips here and there, but if it's what makes you feel happy, content and at peace, should that be what matters? Or is this a very unhealthy attitude? I'd much prefer to return to my rosey world than deal with the rest.

(((Anika))) Thanks for elaborating - so sorry to hear of your traumatic past.

To clarify, I don't think you are a black & white thinker in general (that's the last thing you are). I was just worried that maybe you were becoming too polarised on this particular topic. I realise that was the whole point of your post in the first place

The only problem I see with rosy masks is what happens when murky reality does intrude? Are we prepared enough for that? Or is it a jolt?

Having said that, yes I suppose that everyone looks at the world through their own particular mask - who cares if yours is rosy. As you say, it could be worse

(((Anika)))

I can't relate very well to some of what you describe (sorry!) but I have occasionally contemplated the question of whether people are fundamentally good or evil (to put it in black and white terms).

I agree that most are shades of grey - but I prefer to believe that most people are inherently good. For me, it's not rose-colored glasses, but a mindset about how to interact with other people, and I don't see anything wrong with trying to see the good in others.

Why be so optimistic when I know for a fact that the world is full of jerks? Mostly because it means that I try to approach everyone with compassion, and if anything is lacking in this world, it's compassion. So maybe I can take that attitude and help remedy those ills just a little tiny bit. I assume that others will return that respect for their humanity until they prove otherwise (at which point, I'm not at all nice...) I'm not remotely religious, but I find great comfort and wisdom in the teachings of the Dalai Lama and really admire the Buddhist approach to life. Maybe love isn't all we need, but it's a great first step!

I admittedly don't pay attention to the shades of gray very much, so I don't know what to do with that either. I just assume we're all shades of gray rather than looking for any semblance of perfection. I guess that's mostly because I don't think I have a right to judge others, just like I wouldn't want them to judge me. Anyway, I'm not sure how I would treat someone differently if they're light gray versus charcoal gray!

Thinking this way keeps me from being unfair to other people (I'm naturally a bit judgmental. OK more than a bit...) and jumping to conclusions about behaviors that I might not fully understand. It's like the saying about walking a mile in someone else's shoes. Nobody knows the troubles I've seen, nobody knows my sorrows - and vice versa, I don't know others' troubles and sorrows. I can only offer compassion.

Anyway, blah blah blah, I ought to be working on writing my dissertation. But whatever else, I admire your courage and openness in talking about these very challenging feelings!

Thank you all of you for your replies.

It was exactly the help I was looking for. I feel a lit better today after examining everything that was said and seeing how it was applicable.

I was letting my fears drive me there for a while, and that's not a way for me to live.

Ani, at first I was like " wait I'm not really judging". But giving careful consideration I am. I'm letting my fears judge. Judging on who is safe, who is not. Really I was stuck in a circle there.

I'm feeling a while lot better about it all today. I thought I was headed for a breakdown. I'm really thankful for all the thought in your replies. I appreciate all the perspectives. Thank you.

Oh, I wasn't trying to say you were judging. Just saying that trying to take that perspective helps me not to judge!

I'm glad it was a useful thing for you to think on, though - it's easy to get trapped in our thoughts, especially when there aren't many people around to talk them over with.

This reflects the exact thing I usually seem to go through, though the subject matter is quite different. I just call it a "psychotic fog". It's not quite paranoia, but it does significantly affect your judgement of the world around you & of the people who inhabit it. However, I agree to an extent with Venus. The nature of the thoughts themselves feels very spiritual. It's not quite persecutory -- It's being concerned with the hostility of the world around you, as you are such a peace-loving person. But even though you may have all kinds of disorders labeled on you, that is a very real thing that all people go through. But instead of internalising the content, your mind is chosing to reflect it on the people around you.

My response may be jumbled, but I hope it might help somewhat. At least in that you're not alone. : )

I think I was so nervous about posting this because I knew this is something I could receive a lot flack for, or very mixed feelings. And I didn't have the exact words to portray what was going on in my head.

Unveiling my own dark thoughts can be scary. Thank you for being kind about this topic, and allowing me to gain some insight. It's hard to post feelings that could offend, insult, or hurt others. Even though that was not my intentions at all, I realized it could be taken as an "I'm holier than thou" sort of thing. These are not thoughts I am comfortable having, or a side to myself that I even like. So I really appreciate you guys helping me to work these thoughts out.

Thank you Shay