[venusss]

I am in the same ol' rut once again......... each time I think I got it all figure out, life gets me. Maybe I should not think I know the answer. Maybe I should be more humble who knows.

I am not sure if there is any sense to life at all......... I may tell myself there are countries to see and people to meet and things to learn and that there will be a lot of new music that I will enjoy and all the jazz, that I have a lot of good deeds to do, and that I have purpose....... but at the moment, all is "so what?". I shopped quite a lot lately and just today I managed to take tags of some things.... just doesn't really excite me as much as it should.

It seems I am just chasing something to feel alive. All the travels......... just running away and hoping to finding something meaningful in ruins or on battlefields. Or on pretty places.

All the things I learned.......... it seems fake. A construct of those who are more succesful at pretending than I am.

I don't know what I want. I am 27 and didn't really do anything with my life. where it's said I will do something in next 27 years? I don't know where to move from here. I don't know why I even try. I am just afraid that the longer I live the greater the chance is I am gonna do something bad. I cannot not take risks........... I could not live with myself if I didn't do anything (which honestly feels is exactly what I am doing...... nothing), but if I do something it might turn bad. I may hurt people. I may cause a mess. I may disappoint everybody, including myself.

I just don't know what to do. Right now I am living "just in case". Because I feel it does not matter. But just in case it did......... I don't know if I can go on too much longer than this.

I don't know what I want or need. Maybe just to look for good omens, as I always tell others...........

[Confusedinomicon]

I think the problem with living in a individualized world is that you have to make meaning out of your life yourself. When you're in communities where things are expected of you from other members of your family and you feel like you NEED to follow them it is easier to tell yourself your 'meaning' lies in that group. That you have to function within those walls to help your family/group/whatever prosper.

Also, I think its important to try not to over think existence and the purpose of life. I honestly don't think there is a purpose. I think that we make that purpose for ourselves in the work we do. So if that means you're a hell of an activist then go for it. If it means being a mother of several children, go for it. If it means you are religious and want to get to the pearly gates of heaven, be a follower of Christianity. We mold ourselves into what we want others to know about us.

Not knowing the answer, I think, is the best solution.

[Forgive77]

I'm so glad you said good omens..... That is what I look for. I know I'm here on this site for a reason. At first it was to get help months ago...now it's to give help. I figure....God didn't make a mistake when he made us right? So these diseases and disorders I have must be meant for a greater purpose. I know no one can love their kids as much as I do....ha ha ha to them...LOL Sorry. No one sees anything as great as I can see them....The omens the omens...look backward...and see if any of your bipolar got you to where you are. Like if you weren't bipolar....you would have none of what??? I have answers to that at this point in my life...maybe you should start thinking like that.

PS I'm always going to hug you now.

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

...Also, I think its important to try not to over think existence and the purpose of life...

Yup. This question has "plagued" humanity since... well, forever! Right? There is not an answer. Not only has it never been solved, it never will be. It's the very nature of it. Individuals can come up with something that gives meaning to their life (or not!). Even for those that believe they must come up with something, if they come up with only one, personally, I think they are deluding and limiting themselves. The world is much too complex for that. Not only that, but they torment themselves unnecessarily trying to find IT.

This is not to say that one shouldn't consider where one's passion and energy should be devoted. As for fear of doing something because it may have an unintended consequences? Ummmm, no one escapes this reality, and you are no exception! Sorry. All any of us can do is our best, and approach things with honesty and good intentions. There IS no perfection, and, as you are finding, you will immobilize yourself in thinking there is (even if you don't recognize it as perfection-seeking). Ease up on yourself. There's a helluva lot of gray in the world, and no amount of thinking is going to change that. Just begin on a path that appeals. Pick and go. Don't overthink. No one can see the future. We negotiate it as it comes. Not before, because we can't know everything that is going to happen. Including how our own perceptions and therefore, philosophies and goals will shift. That's just the way it is.

[venusss]

Thanks for your replies. Muchly

I think the problem with living in a individualized world is that you have to make meaning out of your life yourself. When you're in communities where things are expected of you from other members of your family and you feel like you NEED to follow them it is easier to tell yourself your 'meaning' lies in that group. That you have to function within those walls to help your family/group/whatever prosper.

But what if the meaning I create is not right........ and i wake up one day realizing I wasted my life?

Also, I think its important to try not to over think existence and the purpose of life. I honestly don't think there is a purpose. I think that we make that purpose for ourselves in the work we do. So if that means you're a hell of an activist then go for it. If it means being a mother of several children, go for it. If it means you are religious and want to get to the pearly gates of heaven, be a follower of Christianity. We mold ourselves into what we want others to know about us.


but if there is no purpose, why bother staying alive? aren't our pursuits just passing the tedious days between birth and death?

again....... why bother than?

Yeah, I have problem with thinking too much and deconstructing and overanalyzing. I wish I knew how not to use my intelligence and acquired knowledge against myself.


the omens the omens...look backward...and see if any of your bipolar got you to where you are. Like if you weren't bipolar....you would have none of what??? I have answers to that at this point in my life...maybe you should start thinking like that.


I don't know where I'd be.......... maybe living some slightly tedious life, maybe being where I am with much less drama.

This is not to say that one shouldn't consider where one's passion and energy should be devoted. As for fear of doing something because it may have an unintended consequences? Ummmm, no one escapes this reality, and you are no exception! Sorry. All any of us can do is our best, and approach things with honesty and good intentions.

I am just bit afraid, I will not be able to atone to the bad I'd do. That I would not be able to deal with the situation.

yeah, this pretty much holds me back with people........ I am afraid to hurt them by being who I am. I am afraid I will not always be able to be there if they need. Or that I am not what they need. That i may lead them astray.


This is just a weird spot I am in....

[venusss]

I can get my composure back, right? I can do this... the whole living a life thing, can't I? I been to this emotional place before, and it was always right........... so... it will be alright this time as well, won't it?

[BlueInanna]

yes it will be alright, somehow. cuz i think ur an amazing lady and i have faith in you. you inspire me to think about things and i think you're really special spirit. please hang in there and ride out the hard times because this world needs you.

[noneedtoknow]

VenusHalley,
Please don't take offense, but could you have some depression going on? Not that it is not good to questions/wonder/examine etc but there seems to be some hopelessness or maybe pessimism that I am wondering could be depression. If that is the case, I know you don't like the med thing, but at least remember that depression "colors" how you think and process information and you might view the same content differently if you wern't depressed. I might be way off base too, but was just wondering. Anyway, do hang in there. I always appreciate your posts and thoughts
noneedtoknow

[venusss]

I guess I am depressed. I been feeling pretty awful past few days, to the point of "if I cannot live the life on my own terms, I am gonna go out on my own terms at least".

I know I may be bit irrational at the moment, but aren't these still my thoughts? Does it really matter if that is me, or if I am "just" depressed at the moment, if this is how I feel? I am very existentialist even at good times (except, I don't mind as much).

I just need to get my spark back.... ASAP.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I guess I am depressed. I been feeling pretty awful past few days, to the point of "if I cannot live the life on my own terms, I am gonna go out on my own terms at least".

I know I may be bit irrational at the moment, but aren't these still my thoughts? Does it really matter if that is me, or if I am "just" depressed at the moment, if this is how I feel? I am very existentialist even at good times (except, I don't mind as much).

I just need to get my spark back.... ASAP.

Well, I guess even irrational thoughts are your thoughts. But they may lead to doing things that you'd regret, that you otherwise wouldn't do, and that's what you'd hopefully be able to avoid.

What you're describing is sounding a little more serious than just being existentialist. Time for some Rescue Remedy, maybe? I don't know what to suggest - getting your spark back isn't always a matter of just wanting it and trying for it, I'm sure you've seen that (or otherwise you'd already have it back, right?)

Take care of yourself and keep us posted - you keep the conversations lively around here.

[noneedtoknow]

AniManiac-good post-100% agree-yes our thoughts are ours, but they can be so different/influenced by depression. And some of us die waiting for things to change, or sparks to come back or......
Venus-keep in touch as you go through this time.....I know you are that "rugged individual" but there are times that evan the strongest need help. It doesn't take away from your individuality or who you are. The funny thing is.(geting help, sometimes taking meds)....it makes you stronger.

[venusss]

Well, I guess even irrational thoughts are your thoughts. But they may lead to doing things that you'd regret, that you otherwise wouldn't do, and that's what you'd hopefully be able to avoid.

I think I am safe... I have retardedly developed sense of self-preservation... so I am sorta counting on that one. Always helped before.

What you're describing is sounding a little more serious than just being existentialist. Time for some Rescue Remedy, maybe? I don't know what to suggest - getting your spark back isn't always a matter of just wanting it and trying for it, I'm sure you've seen that (or otherwise you'd already have it back, right?)

I am using my bach essences.... but to this point I am rather numb and meh.... I honestly don't know where will to live comes from...

AniManiac-good post-100% agree-yes our thoughts are ours, but they can be so different/influenced by depression. And some of us die waiting for things to change, or sparks to come back or......

I am not passively waiting. I am distracting (by studying for what may or may not be useful for my future.....). So I am not just sitting and waiting for a miracle. However at this state of mind.... I guess I am bit slown down. It's hard to put things in perspective. I am trying to though.... but with being always bit on the pessimist and existentialist site....... it is hard. What if this is it and believing in some higher sense is a delusion? what if all seeking of something is mere distraction to pass the days between being born and death?

Venus-keep in touch as you go through this time.....I know you are that "rugged individual" but there are times that evan the strongest need help. It doesn't take away from your individuality or who you are. The funny thing is.(geting help, sometimes taking meds)....it makes you stronger.

Thing is.... how others can help me? I need to find it in myself. I either will, which I hope I will.... or I will not... I don't even know how such "asking for help" would look like, to be honest.

[noneedtoknow]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

Well, I guess even irrational thoughts are your thoughts. But they may lead to doing things that you'd regret, that you otherwise wouldn't do, and that's what you'd hopefully be able to avoid.

I think I am safe... I have retardedly developed sense of self-preservation... so I am sorta counting on that one. Always helped before.

What you're describing is sounding a little more serious than just being existentialist. Time for some Rescue Remedy, maybe? I don't know what to suggest - getting your spark back isn't always a matter of just wanting it and trying for it, I'm sure you've seen that (or otherwise you'd already have it back, right?)

I am using my bach essences.... but to this point I am rather numb and meh.... I honestly don't know where will to live comes from...

AniManiac-good post-100% agree-yes our thoughts are ours, but they can be so different/influenced by depression. And some of us die waiting for things to change, or sparks to come back or......

I am not passively waiting. I am distracting (by studying for what may or may not be useful for my future.....). So I am not just sitting and waiting for a miracle. However at this state of mind.... I guess I am bit slown down. It's hard to put things in perspective. I am trying to though.... but with being always bit on the pessimist and existentialist site....... it is hard. What if this is it and believing in some higher sense is a delusion? what if all seeking of something is mere distraction to pass the days between being born and death?

Venus-keep in touch as you go through this time.....I know you are that "rugged individual" but there are times that evan the strongest need help. It doesn't take away from your individuality or who you are. The funny thing is.(geting help, sometimes taking meds)....it makes you stronger.

Thing is.... how others can help me? I need to find it in myself. I either will, which I hope I will.... or I will not... I don't even know how such "asking for help" would look like, to be honest.

I guess part of "asking for help" is doing what you are doing re reaching out, writing, asking, clarifying. Maybe just sometimes making the statement, "I need help" can be a step, I'm not great at it myself, so I find it somwhat amusing as I write. I personally think many times that yes, we are just filling space between breaths before one day we quit breathing all togather. It is not particularly a popular thought or evan a real hopeful one, but one at times I feel is accurate. At other times.....I guess it is what is going on around those thoughts that I need to look at. Overall mood and thinking state. I don't know Venus, I am not very smart or anything. I just know I always appreciate when you write and I am hearing your struggle tight now and I just want to at least repeat that you are not alone and hang in there. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself,

[venusss]

I guess writing out helps.... I have very strange mind and don't think it words.... so this was one useful thing I learned. Put it in words... often it is less terrifying in language (but than language hardly can capture the way I feel at times).

"i need help".... It took years and year to learn to ask people to help me with a heavy bag when getting in a train.... so asking for emotional support is bit awkward. But I guess anonymity (to a degree) of the netz is good for this.

and thaaanks. Muchly.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

I guess writing out helps.... I have very strange mind and don't think it words.... so this was one useful thing I learned. Put it in words... often it is less terrifying in language (but than language hardly can capture the way I feel at times).

There's a saying that relates to this: "how will I know what I mean until I see what I say?" I often find that writing about what's bothering me (or anything else, for that matter) helps me work it out a little more and figure out what's going on and start to think about what I can do about it.

I hope it helps for you too.

Even if there is no higher cause or reason for living associated with it... We write our own destinies by what we choose to do & choose not to do. Reality is subjective to the mind, soul, & body that experiences it. There is no measuring meter for our fate.
And if we slip up along the path, the universe doesn't stop to let us know how "bad" or "wrong" we were. We apologise to the people we've hurt even if it takes years for them to listen, we get out of our rut & move along our path, & we move on with our lives regardless of our mistakes.
I agree that it sounds like a mild depression at least, but I also believe that these are questions everyone has to grapple with. And I know that when I was reading these words, I was reminded a lot of myself. Being such a cerebral & stubborn person myself, I know how hard it is to let go of these questions once they enter your mind. But honestly... Sometimes there is a benefit to not thinking. 'Not thinking' doesn't make you ignorant. By proxy, thinking to the point of making yourself miserable makes you ignorant of your own needs.

Take care & feel at peace again.