...I cry sometimes for no reason

I feel like a murderer just as much I could really hurt people if I cut loose!

...and I seem to stay that way I want to damage the world around me I'm so freaking unusual it seems.

but the truth is .....I forgot what it's like to enjoy the comfort of another human ...

and this is what screwed me up this week I was all set to go to jail for f.ucking up mania a while back.

don't pull a knife on the cops....

I was all set to go to jail cos I feel like I belong there I have such bad thoughts and I can't argue with the law and they told me to take a bit of time "work it out!"....they said ....

I spent 4 months setting myself up for prison.....and they flipped it on me I was shocked!

it still might happen...

but now 4 days later I'm in the unknown world like WTF!!?

it would have been easier to get locked away.....4 months of mental preparation to deal with the prison world!?

and now they say .......take some more time...and it still might happen.

...so right now I don't know what I'm doin'?

clearly I can't sleep and the alcohol I've consumed in the meantime......

my liver is an athlete!!

but I'm just a sad and confused mentally ill guy

I was really hoping they would lock me up.....maybe thats why I'm so manic...?!

cos thats a pretty self destructive way of thinking...

so yeah thats me thats inside the monkey

[Anika.]

Thank you James.... honestly.. and honesty..

Makes a lot of sense, when you open up... except one thing.

And that is this... do you need to be locked up away from the world forever ? You got ideas, you got feelings, you got "want to damage the world", but we don't lock people up and throw away the key for thoughts, or we would ALL be in one giant cell.

What is it that stops you from doing what you might think about ? There is something stopping you, or you would have done it.. that thing, ya it's a pretty important thing too I think.

I might be gentle James, but I am not so gentle inside. And I did not used to be gentle at all. But I am trying to find a more comfortable way to be here, so I have more room to breath. So I can feel something different, I just got so sick of being in the dark all the time, it's not so mysterious this dark, it's not. After you spend a lifetime there, there just isn't that much to explore there.. so I set my sights on something else, I like a mystery..and there is so much more to experience than the darkness... I am an explorer and there isn't anything left to explore in the sadness, the hurt, the pain, suffering.. this had been explored to death.. I wanted something new.

I don't know if that makes any sense to you James, but your situation makes me think about it... and sometimes we just have to free ourselves from this.. turn our back and go a different way, cause it just isn't that mysterious.

and there is more...

something inside don't work so good...

I had a beautiful little puppy a couple years back and I fuc.king nearly killed the poor little guy...

I don't know what happened to me that night I nearly killed the little puppy !!...

I was so violent....I called the cops and they came and they took my doggy away and he knew...he looked at me when they were coming up the stairs but I hurt him I did I don't know why I did??

he looked at me and made a noise like.."how come?"....breaks my heart he made that noise he knew it was over and he never did nuthin' wrong.....but I had him from tiny....he didn't know?......why did daddy turn on him

I will never recover from that he was my little buddy and I nearly killed him...

something aint right inside me

I don't know where he is now but he was a gorgeous puppy and I mistreated him....

two weeks later my best mate killed himself ....I lost my job at the nursing home the old lady who owned my house died my best therapist ever had a stroke my girlfriend left me I nearly killed my puppy I then stuck a knife in my arm...

there was lots of blood and not enough to make up for what I did and then they put me away and ...

something aint right in my head....

I don't know how anybody can be so vicious!

I smile at strangers but am dangerous...

I have to cope with that....

one night I grabbed a knife and sliced my hand off.....it was hanging by skin!....what a mess...that was an amazing experience bloody shocking...hurt like hell.....even weirder to see the thing dangling!

and thats not suicide ....it's worse!....it's homicide....

nobody here really knows me...it's fine to just be all warm and fuzzy...

but there is really something bad in my brain.....

you told me to talk....

I never opened myself this way all these words I don't just say

i'm not trying to push you away...

but what hope have I got?...if I don't try to bring you closer....

it's beyond bipolar borderline depression.....somethin' aint right in my head.

my battle is not life but with the heart and I hope I can win...

[Anika.]

James, I killed a mouse one time... I did.

And I am not a killer.. but I did. And it was my pet. And I spoke about it one time here a long time ago. I loved him, and he was a good friend, and when I was very manic and I had taken a whole bottle of ritalin for some ungodly reason, and I didn't mean to do it, but it happened. And it happened by my own hand. I knew it was but I couldn't stop it.

I can't carry that with me forever. . I can't, I am not a bad person. But this is why you got to find another way..You need to heal, it's just too much pain to keep carrying around, and you have to forgive yourself. To keep going through the pain of it all over and over isn't going to change anything that ever happened. And you can heal, and you can feel good, and you are a good person James.

Do you think I am not right in the head ? Am I a bad person ? So see I was not always gentle..

You can win this James, I think so.. you gotta be open to possibilities

[Anika.]

I had a different accident one time, and it was an accident, however it was accident that evolved out of rage, and I slammed a door shut real hard, when I thought my bf had already left but just left my door open, I didn't see him walking away still cause I was so mad... and his hand was in the door frame still. He lost the end of his finger, so maybe it wasn't direct, I did not mean that to happen, I didn't want that to happen, but if I could have kept cool, it wouldn't have happened. And that is pretty hard to deal with. So James we do all have stuff... I dunno

Originally Posted by Anika.

James, I killed a mouse one time... I did.

And I am not a killer.. but I did. And it was my pet. And I spoke about it one time here a long time ago. I loved him, and he was a good friend, and when I was very manic and I had taken a whole bottle of ritalin for some ungodly reason, and I didn't mean to do it, but it happened. And it happened by my own hand. I knew it was but I couldn't stop it.

I can't carry that with me forever. . I can't, I am not a bad person. But this is why you got to find another way..You need to heal, it's just too much pain to keep carrying around, and you have to forgive yourself. To keep going through the pain of it all over and over isn't going to change anything that ever happened. And you can heal, and you can feel good, and you are a good person James.

Do you think I am not right in the head ? Am I a bad person ? So see I was not always gentle..

You can win this James, I think so.. you gotta be open to possibilities

I don't know what to say Anika

Originally Posted by Anika.

I had a different accident one time, and it was an accident, however it was accident that evolved out of rage, and I slammed a door shut real hard, when I thought my bf had already left but just left my door open, I didn't see him walking away still cause I was so mad... and his hand was in the door frame still. he lost the end of his finger. so maybe it wasn't direct, I did not mean that to happen, I didn't want that to happen, but I could have kept cool, it wouldn't have happened. And that is pretty hard to deal with. So James we do all have stuff... I dunno

you are pretty convincing Anika

[Anika.]

That's ok. Don't have to say anything James. I was a teen at that time, and I was a pretty big mess... but something I once did does not have to dictate the rest of my life. I couldn't be more sorry, but living in a world of punishment is not going to fix it either. I have never had bad intentions. But I have done bad things.

[Anika.]

Convincing, what is convincing is the chronic pain he has in his hand, the omg... nightmare of what we both saw. It isn't something I can take back, I didn't mean to do it, I didn't know he was still there. we were both in a rage and that is exactly what happened. If I could trade places I would, the world is never fair, will never let you trade places....

Only other thing to do then is change/learn, so it doesn't happen. I have never had intentions to hurt anyone or anything. I have been in lots of really bad places, with really bad people, and I know I am not one of them, but I got really lost. Maybe they did too.

Originally Posted by Anika.

That's ok. Don't have to say anything James. I was a teen at that time, and I was a pretty big mess... but something I once did does not have to dictate the rest of my life. I couldn't be more sorry, but living in a world of punishment is not going to fix it either. I have never had bad intentions. But I have done bad things.

i can do hate and violence but that one night??.....

I know the medication was all screwed up....I knew I wasn't well

....and punching a puppy......?

those words shouldn't even be written together...

I'm suddenly gonna lose alot of friends ...

but I have to be careful not to affect myself all over again! last time I dwelled on this ....?

I did call the cops to come rescue him that night...I knew somethin wasn't right.....

but I still got that nasty energy...

thats why I stay alone....but i share just enough......thats why I use all pictures and riddles....

it's safe to me ......I'm connecting but I'm really not.....I don't want to hurt anyone......like even now....I don't want to hurt you.

damn this is freaking me out.....

I don't want anybody to know how damaged I am

i'm sorry for such a sad topic.

[Anika.]

You can't hurt me, through the screen.. nah. I didn't grow up in a glass world, and I am open here, but not that open.

And everyone has more than one side James, I got more than one side. But which side do I nourish, and which side do I starve. I told you in a different thread that everything has polar opposites and it's true, you said I am so gentle, but I am not only gentle. I have potential to be not gentle at all. I have potential to be whatever way I choose, and so does everyone.

So you stepped in and got it stopped... your not evil. And I am not gonna stop being your friend over that, and I don't think others would either James.

Maybe I'll loose friends too who knows, but I can accept who I am whether anyone else can or not. I know what is in my heart.

Dwelling on it isn't going to do anything, we can tame that energy, we can learn how to use it for something productive, changing what we chose is all we can do. Gotta let go of it and forgive.

Riddles and pictures.. I know, think I sent you a msg that said I had an idea ... but the only person you are protecting is you, and the only person who if going to feel cut off and lonely and hurt is you.

[BlueInanna]

the nightmares lived, i adore you both still. Jimmy, the honesty you're pouring out is so good. the fact that you are so remorseful shows the true person you are. we've all done bad things, and we have bipolar, and there's a scary dangerous thing called a manic rage. i have twice hurt an animal not on purpose, not premeditated, just in a weird not in right mind time. i once spanked my daughter's behind in a manic rage and that will forever haunt me. i've driven too fast in a manic rage, with my babies in the car. it is nuts, i know it, i hate myself for it. so now, we are all on this path of trying to get better from the danger of manic behaviour. i'm really doing my best to not ever go there again. it is so confusing because i can go along being a happy wonderful person and then snap. i guess the dx helped me see what was going on and how i was hurting others, and risking my freedom. this is why i feel i'm walking on a wire, i know what's at risk, i've seen the horrors and i know what i'm capable of is scary and dangerous, and i will not ever let myself go there again. i'm determined to stay on the wire and eventually slide along the wire with no more fear of myself. this will be when i truly trust myself again.

[Anika.]

I'll always adore you Blue. Sometimes I think it's so weird, you know. In real life, **** I have so many problems with pedators, it's not funny. I look like this samll tiny thing, innocent, I give off a vibe unintentionally with my body language. It's telling them that I am vulnerable, and weak, I won't fight, I am helpless.

And yet I am not any of those things at all times. I am capable of a lot of not so nice things. That is exactly why I have been watching videos of power poses and stuff, I am so confusing in what I put out to others. It's just a bit messy. That is why I have had so many problems with older men creepin around. And it's creepy. That one guy from my out patient therapy... he knew all this because we talked about it in group, way to put myself out there as a target. ok I am sooo off topic.

I figured out how to not use that manic rage for the bad, but I didn't figure out how to do the above.

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

the nightmares lived, i adore you both still. Jimmy, the honesty you're pouring out is so good. the fact that you are so remorseful shows the true person you are. we've all done bad things, and we have bipolar, and there's a scary dangerous thing called a manic rage. i have twice hurt an animal not on purpose, not premeditated, just in a weird not in right mind time. i once spanked my daughter's behind in a manic rage and that will forever haunt me. i've driven too fast in a manic rage, with my babies in the car. it is nuts, i know it, i hate myself for it. so now, we are all on this path of trying to get better from the danger of manic behaviour. i'm really doing my best to not ever go there again. it is so confusing because i can go along being a happy wonderful person and then snap. i guess the dx helped me see what was going on and how i was hurting others, and risking my freedom. this is why i feel i'm walking on a wire, i know what's at risk, i've seen the horrors and i know what i'm capable of is scary and dangerous, and i will not ever let myself go there again. i'm determined to stay on the wire and eventually slide along the wire with no more fear of myself. this will be when i truly trust myself again.

...

''you got no idea how that helped me Blue C honey

and Anika sweetheart...

you give me your precious mind everytime.......and follow me around here and there and I love you for that

thankyou...

[Anika.]

Well can't help it James you post in the BP forum a lot. But it's good. Just don't like to see someone struggle soo much.

Little weird the the exact same three of us posted on the monkey space picture about animals, and sadness.

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by Anika.

I'll always adore you Blue. Sometimes I think it's so weird, you know. In real life, **** I have so many problems with pedators, it's not funny. I look like this samll tiny thing, innocent, I give off a vibe unintentionally with my body language. It's telling them that I am vulnerable, and weak, I won't fight, I am helpless.

And yet I am not any of those things at all times. I am capable of a lot of not so nice things. That is exactly why I have been watching videos of power poses and stuff, I am so confusing in what I put out to others. It's just a bit messy. That is why I have had so many problems with older men creepin around. And it's creepy. That one guy from my out patient therapy... he knew all this because we talked about it in group, way to put myself out there as a target. ok I am sooo off topic.

I figured out how to not use that manic rage for the bad, but I didn't figure out how to do the above.

bipolar rage is nothing compared to the creepy old man! i've been molested by one and would love to sword smack that mother ****er, i'm sure he's dead by now, it was a very long time ago. and what is it makes them think they can stare at us? out with my daughter today, got some guys staring at me, gave them some stink eye and ok whatever. but if men stare at my daughter, this makes me want to kill them on site. i'm so glad she's an earthy girl and has a sweet quiet boyfriend with adorable upside down cross tattoos on his arms, lol. he takes good care of her, but i can't get into their black metal music. at any rate, that is worse than wrong, joining a group therapy and having that happen to you Anika, horrible wrong i'm sorry you went through that.

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by Anika.

Well can't help it James you post in the BP forum a lot. But it's good. Just don't like to see someone struggle soo much.

Little weird the the exact same three of us posted on the monkey space picture about animals, and sadness.

yes.. i remember...

[Anika.]

It's ok Blue, sucky is that it's a small town, and he is freakin scary. I felt safer that I moved, but pretty unsafe when he found my hidden facebook and tried to befriend me through his wifes account. Even tho I called the cops on him, like five years ago. It's very wtf!

He would show up outside my kids school and stuff, cut me off sidewalks with his van.. nuts.

At your daughter, no not cool, I would loose it for sure.

And I am sorry that happened to you too Blue, I had a pedo enter my life when I was young too, and well crap i am not gonna talk about it here, but I hear you.

i kinda feel like I'm not qualified to love anymore...

thats what scares me when I open up ....

but I want to share it cos it's all I'm feeling

that can't be bad......no way!

[Anika.]

nope James not bad at all... I keep telling ya that.

I gotta go get food and stuff for thanksgiving. So I am out. Love you both, hope you know.