[Anika.]

My latest mental melt down I think I will chalk up to stress. And greatly underestimating just how stressed I am.

I am financially struggling, my bf has been depressed and overworked.. ill, and super stressed so I have been trying to be his rock for the last few months, still waiting on word when I can start my new job, My life has been pretty solitude lately, and a number of other things I have on my to do list. I have been seriously trying to burn a candle at two ends to be doing what is required right now. My sister who has substance problems and is newly separated with a toddler, well she is emotionally draining. And my other sister who is my rock has been battling her first ever experience with depression, so trying to be there for her as much as she has been for me.

This weekend has been long, and draining. My mother is down and she is the epitome of passive aggressive with a few extra helpings of aggressive. I don't know sometimes how I am so blind to my own plate of ****... but a weird moment happened when my mother was boasting about how she took $15,000 to Bali, and spent it all within 2 weeks. Yes her trip to Bali, I remember quite well actually... I remember because that is the same time I was 15 and dumpster diving for food, sleeping in doorways, parks, sidewalks, begging for spare change.. ya I remember being left in Canada with no one for all of my teenage years. I try hard to forgive and let it go.. but when it is brought up by her, and her alone, my heart breaks all over again. Just reminded me, same feeling, worn right down, worn to thin.

But thank you guys so much for listening to me, and being there for me no matter what I post or say, or what ideas I get in my head. Thing is I accept I have bipolar, I just really do not want to have it anymore. Accepting that I will have more pain in my future is not something I can do so gracefully.

But I appreciate everyone one of you, and try to understand me, and I know it probably isn't always easy.

Tonight I just feel like I am at the tipping point. My mother informed me she is selling her home, which I already knew, but I also learned she is moving here, to my small haven. Seriously a very big FML.

[Trippin2.0]

Anika giant massive ssss! How insensitive can one's own mother be? I hear you on not realizing how much stress you're under. I'm off to the dr cos I think stress may be a big factor in my current situation. Please take care of you, and post as much as you need to my dear friend

[Anika.]

That would be a mild example of her insensitvity. Thanks trippin, aww I am sorry to here thing are so rough for you too, I hope whatever it is gets resolved, glad you are taking care of your self tho. ...right back at you!

[kindachaotic]

Anika, I know you're not looking for pity but I'm truly sorry for all you've been thru & continue to have to deal with.
You're very strong but you can't fix or take care of or put up with everyone's stuff & put yourself last. You've come so far, please take care of yourself.
I'm plenty old enough to be your mother so just let me get by with my little sermon.
Only want the best for you.

[bluemountains]

Wow, lots of family stress all at once. Hang in there, Anika. Hopefully positives are on the way.
Bluemountains

[MommaR]

Anika- you have my prayers, sweetie. I can't believe a parent could put themselves that far ahead of their own child. You're an amazing person to have been able to rise above it and go on w ur life!

[Clinte89]

Sorry you have so much going on, stress can cause all sorts of trouble. Sorry that your mom is moving to your town that sounds like it won't be the best thing for you, I assume she means well buy it doesn't mean she's doing the right thing for you. I will keep you in my thoughts as you go through such trying times. Keep it good Anika.

[moremi]

(((HUGS))) Many coming your way!!!

I am so sorry to hear that you are revisiting childhood years and things you have had to rise above throughout your life by the words of your mother. I know how hurtful it can be to feel like you come last in your mothers life because I have been there with mine as well. Men always ccame first with mine.
I kinda thought you were getting over stressed. Im glad you have realized it and can rise above this and grow from this as well. You are such a strong and amazing person girl, I hope you know that. Im here if you need me.

[BlueInanna]

Oh Anika, so sorry, what a mess. I knew you were stressed about her coming, I can see what sort of thing you were worried about with good reason. Sounds like she has bp? But when we all talk about our past spending sprees, decisions that weren't the best for our selves, our children... when we all talk here about those times, it's not boasting, but we're all here knowing we have bp, knowing the wrongs we've done and think seriously about it cuz we don't want to repeat it ever again. And your mom sounds like no clue she did anything wrong, won't admit it. And doubtful she could even be talked to about it at this time. And that's nothing like the woman that you are, Anika. But she's your mom, and you're doing what you believe in by keeping a relationship with her. Is she still there? Hope you can get back to your house in harmony soon. And hugs for bf, hope he feels better soon too, and your sisters.

[Anika.]

She has left to go back home now, thank goodness. Her visits always feel like an emotional war zone, emotional assult. I don't think she has Bipolar, my father did tho. I am pretty sure she has a host of problems, personality disorder or a combination of, she grew up in a horribly abusive home, the abuse she endured could make a real horror movie, and that is one reason why I try to get past it and have a relationship with her. No she doesn't see it, and trying to talk to her results in nothing except that maybe she will pull something incredibly hurtful and then not talk to you for a year. And since I have no other family, no aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, or father. Just her and my two sisters, she would have no one.

I sure hope the universe interveins, and the move just doesn't happen, because the only way this relationship works is if there is at least 6 hour or more drive between us. It doesn't matter how many boundaries you set and uphold, they will not be respected by her.

At least now she has left and I can do some self care to recover from her visit. The crawling sensation has stopped and I did take a sleeping pill or two last night just to chill out, didn't sleep much, but ahhh it will be ok.

Thanks for all the support and kind words, kind words mean a lot right now.

I wrote something about this last night, kinda helped a bit, maybe I'll put it in the conversations thread instead tho.

[Anika.]

And Dark heart, this is the cord, pretty sure that you were telling me about.... So i'll have to try to figure out how to do that. With any advice from you appreciated on that one for sure! Thank you.

[~Christina]

Holy plate full of stress NO wait ... Holy Buffet full of stress! My heart is breaking knowing you have been and will be dealing with stuff coming at you from all sides

Im not surprised at all that your just not doing or feeling well. I know how hard it is to force yourself to step a big ole step back and away from people and situations.

You and I both know that eventually if we don't do our own self care and flat out being just kind to yourself it will all spiral to hell in a handbasket..

I dont even want to comment on your teenage years..Ill start ranting and not stop .. Nope I will say You are an amazing woman and it shows just how strong you are.

I will be crossing fingers toes and doing my version of "praying" that your mother never ever ever moves to your town .. at least 6 hours away is close enough!

As far as your sisters go ... Yes you want to help them , But if helping them is draining you then something needs to change. Can you maybe explain to them that Yes you love them etc etc But you really need to step back for a lil while so you can regroup and be able to support them more once your feeling better? or some version of that kinda idea.

You need and deserve to take the time to get your feet back on solid ground. I know its all kinds of hell when it involves family and there needs..

All the 's and in the world to you .

Love you bunches I'm always here for you.

[faerie_moon_x]

I'm sorry your mom is such a drainer. That's frustrating. I hate that catty BS. I know you said she was abused, but so many people are abused. You can either learn to heal or just let it rule your life. I guess she chose to let it rule her.

It's not a hard meditation. But, you can accidentally cut off people you don't mean to. Which is why, it is usually guided and you appeal to a higher power whatever that may be. Such as a spirit guide. Or a diety (which you said you are not prone to diety, which is fine.) I know there are some hier power type principles in yoga, although I don't know them right off my head... Even like animal guides or angels, whatever rings most true to you, that's the key here. My spirit guide was a little old lady with long black hair. She was wearing a dress made out of the images of animals that shifted. It's been a long time, over 8 years, but I still see her pretty clearly.

But, anyway, you just go down into a safe space, and your spirit guide will come to you when you call. You ask the spirit guide to assist you with your cords. I think if you don't actually want to cut them, you can ask to do other things. Maybe tie a knot in it, so the energy can't flow freely? You can also ask to have the ones removed that you no longer need. Such as all of those random people at the store who walk up and start asking you "have you tried this brownie mix" or "can you reach that on the top shelf for me?" You know, those things.... Your spirit guide can do the cutting for you, if you prefer.

You being in yoga, I guess you already have a safe meditation space (like not meaning physical,) but if you don't let me know.

[BlueInanna]

I know some about detaching psychic cords. Same idea as DH with some variation.

I had a teacher who advised any cords are unhealthy with exception to a mother and child under 5 years. This is true for me personally too, I don't do the maintenance as often as I should, this is a good reminder.

So if you envision running silvery Kundalini energy up your spine out through head, she blends with Shiva, and then this energy like a misty rain of gold gently rains on you and fills your aura, this energy is enough to cleanse your aura and detach any casual cords.

More serious cord, like with your mom, needs to be found and detached. The energy in this cord is mostly going one way from you to her, and it's draining you. In detaching it, keep in mind, she is used to this unhealthy energy flow from you, so a straight cut could cause a psychic backlash from her whether she realizes or not.

So you feel around your aura, with your mind, for any dark spots, hot spots, and you can usually find where the cord is. It may be connected to a chakra or to the edge of the aura. Let your mind follow the cord to the other side to see who is connected to. You gently detach the cord thread by thread, almost as to keep peace with the other party and avoid upset to them. When the cord is detached, envision it in a white bed sheet of light and wish it be sent back to Source for healing. Then, the spots where the cord was on both people is like a little wound. You put some golden light on it to help it heal.

Thank your higher Self, higher power, guides, God, Godess, or any deities you've called on to help with the process, and it's done.

[faerie_moon_x]

Oh, blue reminded me of another thing. Often once the cord is gone, the other person might realize it and try to re-attach it. They don't know they're doing this. But, expect a phone call... or a letter... or "surprise, guess who was in the neighborhood!" only if you fully remove it, though.

Holy cannoli, Anika! Lots and lots of
No wonder you've been having such a rough sled lately! Don't be hard on yourself about being blind to your own plate of ****. It happens. Everyone is right -- definitely time to attend to what YOU need.
Hear you on the distance thing. Soooo hear. 3,000 miles works for me. Will definitely have thoughts for that universe intervention.
So much more to say, but have to go do something right now. Will check in later. Meanwhile, more ssss!!!

[Anika.]

Thank you thank you guys sooo much!

Christina, I love you beautiful women! I know what you would do if you could, me too for you, no doubts at all, thank you.

DH and Blue I will try those methods out when I get back on track. Thank you both for that. Will not go to waste, promise. I have to admit that at the moment I am having trouble with comprehension, just soft brains right now.

IZ , I love you, you always seem to tie me a little closer to the ground somehow.

Well, I guess a public meltdown was totally in order. No better place for that than the hardware store right? But I dunno maybe it was good, because I try to keep my stuff to myself, and that is near impossible to deny when you are having a crazy meltdown in the middle of the store brought on by looking at paint. And a good place because I love hardware stores, they are a place I have always felt very comfortable in. I suppose at least now my bf knows how not ok I am doing, not very good at communicating that one. .........

See IZ, we all do it, I have many many times.

I feel a little better, maybe a little cathartic release in the presence of hammers and nails, lighting, all things that stand for new, building, strengthening, tethering....

We had a long summer too, just thinking about that, indian summer and then bam we got the cold fall instantly, no gradual build up. I never do very well with out time for transition in anything really.

I think I will be ok. what would I do with you all.... Ya I remeber, wasnt so good at all. I appreciate each one of you,brain is just a little mushy right now.. OMG it would be very bad indeed. I never feel totally alone anymore... I am gonna cry.

[BipolaRNurse]

BIG hugs to you, Anika!! So sorry for all you're going through

My own mother was a lot like yours---totally self-absorbed and hypercritical. She died when I was 30, and I hate to say this but I would never have been able to grow up and do the things I've gotten to do if she were still here.

And I know what you mean about stress......I'm in the same boat, only for different reasons, and I'm not doing well either. What is it about stress that makes us bipolar people so crazy?? I'm smack in the middle of a mixed episode right now and I'll be damned if I know which way is up OR down. Believe me, you have my sympathies!

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by morethingswrong

Holy plate full of stress NO wait ... Holy Buffet full of stress! My heart is breaking knowing you have been and will be dealing with stuff coming at you from all sides

Im not surprised at all that your just not doing or feeling well. I know how hard it is to force yourself to step a big ole step back and away from people and situations.

You and I both know that eventually if we don't do our own self care and flat out being just kind to yourself it will all spiral to hell in a handbasket..

I dont even want to comment on your teenage years..Ill start ranting and not stop .. Nope I will say You are an amazing woman and it shows just how strong you are.

I will be crossing fingers toes and doing my version of "praying" that your mother never ever ever moves to your town .. at least 6 hours away is close enough!

As far as your sisters go ... Yes you want to help them , But if helping them is draining you then something needs to change. Can you maybe explain to them that Yes you love them etc etc But you really need to step back for a lil while so you can regroup and be able to support them more once your feeling better? or some version of that kinda idea.

You need and deserve to take the time to get your feet back on solid ground. I know its all kinds of hell when it involves family and there needs..

All the 's and in the world to you .

Love you bunches I'm always here for you.

Sent you a vm, I was looking for so me thing you sent me and can't find it... But how are you doing tonight ? I do want to know.

Thank you, I know what you would say about my teenage years.... And I thank you, because I know that you would say what I cannot say myself .

[BlueInanna]

I imagine you must be exhausted. And I think hardware store is a fabulous place for a meltdown, glad bf is there for you. He sounds like a sweetheart.

[hamster-bamster]

Anika, I read your OP to mean that your mother is moving in with you. I am glad that I was wrong.

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

BIG hugs to you, Anika!! So sorry for all you're going through

My own mother was a lot like yours---totally self-absorbed and hypercritical. She died when I was 30, and I hate to say this but I would never have been able to grow up and do the things I've gotten to do if she were still here.

And I know what you mean about stress......I'm in the same boat, only for different reasons, and I'm not doing well either. What is it about stress that makes us bipolar people so crazy?? I'm smack in the middle of a mixed episode right now and I'll be damned if I know which way is up OR down. Believe me, you have my sympathies!

BPNurse and Moremi, I am really sorry to hear that, I am. I wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy if I had one. It's very robbing, I feel very much like an orphan. It steals any life out of you thats possible. I was a surrogate spouce to my mother when we were young. I didnt even know that had a name. So our relationship is very tangled even though I left that role a long time ago.

If I said everything she did this weekend it would be a novel. My poor step dad. It feels so abusive to be near her. I just feel like assulted on so many levels when she leaves. Sometimes I handle it better, but not when I am already struggling.

You have my sympathy also, no one should have to feel this towards their own mother, and coupled with how you feel about how they felt about you.

I hope the mixed mood will disapate soon for you, and the stress can get worked out. I'll be thinking of you too.

I would probably cut her out of my life, if I could, except for that fact that I know she loves me on some level, there is something. My father I did cut out, but there was nothing there in him, I think he actually did most of the cutting himself out of my life himself.

actually that goes for most of you, because I know that so many of us here did not receive what we needed.

[Anika.]

Oh I just stumbbled upon another name for surrogate spouce... Emotional imcest, kinda icky term, but it conveys that this is indeed abusive to the child. Thought I would put that out there for any of you who may have been in this role, esentially the parent one or both, making the child play the emotional role a spouce should play.

My sisters were not involved in this aspect, so I kinda had no idea it was wrong, and no one to relate too.

Sorry I have no spell check on my phone, it's probably bad.

[roads]

Oh geesh, the rumour about the world ending this year? For so many of us, the people in our lives seem to be having a go at finishing us off!

Anika, * hugs galore * & Good, Healing Thoughts streaming your way & showering you like a personal Aurora Borealis & mother-distancer. As I've said to you before, NorfairNotfairNotfair. The words never change, do they? Only the tune, which now is MA-MA TAKE-A HIKE!!

I love you, sweetheart. She is not your karma. Address cutting that psychic chord.

Roadie

[perseverance11]

If I understand, your mother spent $15 000 on a trip within 2 weeks and it is because of that that you have financial problems?

For financial problems, the only thing I can say to you is that you may take an appointement with some specialist in the domain.

Also, if I understand, your family left you alone in your teenage years?

If it is right, try to say to you that you didn't deserve that and it is always tough to being left alone.

I wish you the best of success!

Have a good night!

PS: I am speaking french so it is the reason why I have sometimes some difficulties to understand messages, but I am here to help other people around here.