[Clinte89]

Well ladies and gents I am at a cross roads I suppose.

I have been self harming for about a week well actually it will be a week today. Which I'm cutting deeper than before. But I don't feel depressed I just feel this heavy weight on me and always on edge I can't seem to shake this feeling. I am cutting openly now cause I'm to the point where it's easier that way and I don't really care who knows everyone knows now so I feel I should t have to hide it. But as I'm sitting here I'm thinking weighing the pros and cons of Sui. Why am I doing this am I depressed? I don't know I do think so but if your thinking about Sui aren't you depressed? I dont know what to do at this point. I have a full bottle of lithium everybody is on me about taking my meds so why not take all of them right? Any advice would be great. I don't want to tell my family in fear they will 5150 me. I'm just at the point now where I'm impulsive enough to do it.

[moremi]

Clinte,
I believe its time for you to talk to someone in real life. You need to get to safety. Please call your T or Pdoc asap. Yes it sounds as though you are crashing right now with sui thoughts. You are cutting and considering taking all your pills. I thought we were going to do a contract with you. I think its time for you to do your contract and time to talk to someone. Please tell me you will get help right away?

[Clinte89]

I talked to my pdoc yesterday and the only advice he gave me was take more risperdal. Ok I'll do a contract and get rid of the razor. I was going to do one but felt like I needed to keep on cutting. Ill do one today. And I promise ill talk to someone on real life.

[OutlawedSpirit]

Clinte, whether you are depressed or not, please go get help for yourself. Now. The way you're talking, it's done being a thought and is turning into a plan, so you need to talk to someone now. Like right now. Please. We care about you and we need you here with us, so please, go talk to someone IRL like now. Have I said now yet? Please.

[Clinte89]

Ok I'll keep you updated. I just don't wanna go back I may have them take my pills from me Untill I can see my t and pdoc to get this sorted. Ill call again today to see if we can do something today. Ill do it now.

[canacrip]

There have been many times over the years when I have needed somebody to point out to me that I am depressed. It's weird. After all this time I still don't always see it. Something is making you unhappy. I agree with Clinte89, it is time to seek professional help. In fact, whenever you are harming yourself, you need to get help right away! This website is great because it gives us lots of support and people to turn to to ask questions others around us would not know the answer to, or to share with others who get us, but we also need a support group in the real world.

Please, get help now! Then, develop a support group around you. I was recently hospitalized after a suicide attempt. Most of my friends didn't even know I was BP, so it was quite a shock. I found out people's love for me was much stronger than my disease. Now, they look out for me and let me know if they see something that worries them. It is a huge help. Again, PLEASE GET HELP! I know that harming yourself serves a purpose, but you deserve better than that! Good luck!

[Clinte89]

Well myfamily doesn't seem to be concerned how can I make them understand?

[moremi]

You need to pull your mother or father or whom ever you feel most comfortable with to the side. Maybe in your room. Let the emotions out. Cry, let it all out, tell them everything including your plan. Give them your pills and your razor. Later when you have time and feel like it you can get on here and write up the contract for us ok?

[Clinte89]

Ok Ill do that. Thanks (thats what Im gonna have to do then) lol

[moremi]

Originally Posted by Clinte89

Ok Ill do that. Thanks (thats what Im gonna have to do to them) lol

Thank you, Im so proud of you.

[moremi]

Thank you, Im so proud of you.

[Clinte89]

Well I talked to them again and try where like well do you want to go to the hospital and that's a no. So we called the doc back to see what we can do. But they won't let me talk about it really I guess they can't handle it. Idk I really just need to talk but they don't get that.

[BlueInanna]

Aw Clinte, it does sound like depression + mania. Like a mixed episode. I get so confused trying to figure out what mood I am in, unless it's something to the extreme then it's obvious. Sounds like you have a lot pent up that you want your family to know. You want to be heard. But you may not be able to make them be something they're not, some people are just not comfortable talking about feelings. Do you know what it is that you want them to hear? What sort of things could they be doing that would help you feel more supported? We could try to help you come up with ways to talk to them. I so hope you've gotten rid of the razor, and that you are safe.

[Clinte89]

I just want them to know that Something is wrong, I don't know what to tell them but I don't feel at ease at all I'm really kind of paranoid and scared mostly of myself, but I can't get away from myself can I? I want them to be a bit less supportive of m cutting cause now I'm like well they're cool with it ill just do it because I like te way it feels and they don't care. I just don't really know how I feel I feel kinda wild but kind of feel like crying and I did in front of them last night over having I cook dinner. I said it was to much pressure. So any help on how I could make it easier to explain how I'm feeling righ now cause its not good and not all that bad. Please help blue ou give the best advice.

[Clinte89]

I need them to understand I'm ready to die and now have enough motivation to do it but I really wanna avoid the hospital. But I wont do anything stupid like sui so no one worry. Just fyi thats just how Im feeling not that Im going to do it.

[Clinte89]

I like you all to much to do that

[BlueInanna]

You better not do that I think it's good you told them too much pressure about dinner - that kind of thing is good if you can in the moment figure out what you're feeling and say it to someone, before acting on it. Crying is great, anger is fine, breaking dishes is something I love doing when I'm mad. I even have a mini junkyard in my yard, and go smash **** up when I need to. I totally understand wanting to hurt yourself, and I think you're at a place where it's become habit. You have to break this habit now to save your life.

Your parents' reaction... honestly as a mom who's stayed calm (on the outside, then cried to my T) while seeing the cuts of my children, your parents are freaking the f.ck out inside. They are staying calm or looking calm outside because they love you and don't want to make you have to worry about them. They want you to be OK, hun. And now you're at this age in between child and adult... I'm 39, and having my mom just leave town, I felt like a kid having to become an adult all over again. And it doesn't feel that great when you feel unstable and not sure what's going to happen next.

Clinte, I think it's time for you to draw on your inner sense of self. You are a creative, compassionate being. You are unique. Your poetry is awesome. You have a great sense of humor. You gotta believe in yourself hun, you gotta know you can do this, because you can, I believe in you and so many others here do too. Those mistakes in the past, they make you stronger wiser, because you're a sensitive man and you've spent much time contemplating everything that happened. I would love to see you stop punishing yourself, and begin to love yourself sweetie. You are loveable, you are caring, you are kind. If you're bipolar, and misunderstood, that's ok, that's just how it is right now. If you're angry, let it out in a way that doesn't involve bleeding. It's just dangerous, please, I worry about you.

I can't give great advice about cutting because I don't really understand it...I've had the temptation and it's weird like where does that come from. I've tried to understand it to save my kids' lives and help them stop doing it. I've spent time in chat here on pc, and received a lot of help from people on the topic. I don't know if you go in the chat rooms here, but I think you'd benefit from it. SI is a frequent topic, and whoever is there works on it with whoever else is there. Just go into the 'Lobby' and then to any room, if it's a private room it'll ask you for password but they rarely require a password. Sometimes I go in and am looking for support, then find I'm guided to helping someone I meet in there. It's an interesting dynamic. Go in the chat room called 'Support' anytime if you need it or feel like you can offer it to someone. I'm trying to think of things you can do to get your mind away from SI distract yourself enough until the pattern changes. I will go in chat with you in you want You are worth it honey, you are meant to be here!

[Clinte89]

Thanks for the advice and clearin up about my parents. I guess they are freakin out. I'm going to see my doctor today, and hopefully find out first what mood I'm in and any other advice to help, I wear rubber bands full time and have for about three months. Thanks I feel better about myself now I appreciate the nice words and I'm not really sure how to react to everything you said. Ill repost later when I can let it soak in some more.

How's it going now? did you have the talk? Do you still have your razor and pills? Did you do the contract?

[Clinte89]

I haven't done the contract test I still have razor and pills, my family doesn't seem to get it, I told them I wouldn't give the stuff up without a fight and they I'd t even try to fight me. Odd right? I explained to then everything and it annoying cause I still am left to my own devices so its just taking alot of self control, I'm being careful I swear don't want to do anything stupid.

[OutlawedSpirit]

Clinte, I wish I could help. I wish I could give you some advice on how to make your family see how much you're hurting inside. I know you said you don't want to go the hospital route, but maybe you should at least consider it. If you know you need the help, and your family isn't willing or isn't able to see that you need it, maybe you need to find it somewhere else. My gf is really supportive of me when I need help, but I know she doesn't really understand. You can pm me if you really need someone to talk to. If you're still feeling this way, I think it may be time to put what you want aside and look at what you need. I feel for you, I really do, and like I said, I wish I could do more to help.

Clinte.. Idk if you live with your parents, if your talking to them over the phone or if they are there.. but please, give them your blade and your pills! just do it already. they will give you your dose when it's time to take them, the meds that is, but just give them the bottle already! that's what it means to take care of yourself. You don't have to explain yourself, just hand them over and walk away. They'll know what you are doing, and I bet they will be proud and relieved. Just do it, okay buddy?!

[Clinte89]

I think your right it's just I just got out of the hospital and I har so many thigs i need to get done it just so much to do that's why I don't want to go. But maybe your right I'm considering it more and more.

[OutlawedSpirit]

So what if you have a lot to do? None of it is going to get done if you don't get help and do something stupid anyway. Please, either do what Dan says and hand over your razor and pills or go to the hospital and get the help you need. When you decide what you're going to do, let us know you're okay. We care about you, Clinte. We only want you to be safe and to get better.

[moremi]

Hows it going today Clinte?