[Trippin2.0]

TRIGGER WARNING- VIOLENCE MURDER

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Read the 'Grave' thread, and started thinking of my brother's death... So I stupidly read through some articles about his murder... I knew there was no peaceful look on his face, but now all I can think of is how contorted it must have been. 1 article states he wouldnt stop fighting back, even tho his hands were bound, and the 2 men had to slit his throat coz repeated stabbing did not subdue him. I never knew they slit his throat... Feel sick

[Anika.]

I don't even know what to say Trippin . I have thought about this before with your brother, and I cannot imagine your pain. Sometimes the temptation to look further maybe comes because we have feelings that still need attended to.

This is something I really wish I could take away for you, or spare you the pain if I could take it on my own. And there is nothing I can do to change it.

I would probably say not to keep putting yourself back there, although I don't know if I could or not or what is the right way to handle it, there likely is no right way.

Do you talk to him? I know you have dreams sometimes about people who have passed. Sorry I am just trying to think of something that could bring you some peace in the heart. Please no harm meant.

I am listening and I care about you so much, you are my sister.. I feel that for you too.

[unaluna]

i'm sorry, trippin. I had a little girl neighbor that was murdered horribly as an adult, and some people had to tell me details which I never needed to know. please take care and know we are thinking of you, and share your sorrow.

[Trippin2.0]

I stopped talking to him, not sure why... I still smell him sometimes tho, have an old bottle of cologne that used to belong to him, next to my bed... Idk why I read it, now I'm fighting the urge to know what happened to those 2 guys,who were still children really, 21and 23, my brother was 41... His death doesnt make sense, they ransacked the place, but only took a laptop...Maybe I havent processed properly, maybe I convinced myself I'm 'over it'... Idk what I'm doing to myself... Thanks for the support

[sugahorse1]

I'm so sorry Trippin xxx

[Anika.]

Sweetie, there is no sense in a senseless death. There is just no sense to be made. Which makes peace harder to find. I'm not sure we ever really get over it. Just comes in waves, like the oceans tides, the waves get smaller in time, but they still come.

Just make time to feel whatever you feel and let it come and pass over you.

Whatever happened to them likely will not bring closure for you. But your curiosity to know is very understandable.

Be gentle with yourself. Try not to judge the feelings as they arise.

[Trippin2.0]

Cant even find answers anyway... Thanks, I shouldnt judge myself, you're right... But I just want to be ok with it again. They didnt even say sorry to us, maybe they weren't sorry...

Just awful..My heart is broken for you..Your feelings are yours and sometimes it is necessary to say them out loud as you have here. I just wish that you have someone close by to be with while you are feeling such pain. Maybe it isn't a good idea to know anymore and cling to the good memories that brought laughter between you and your brother. When cancer memories occur, which is what took my husbands life, i sometimes just fall apart, so I dig deep into the wellness days and listen to our favorite songs and I talk to anyone who is nearby and available for listening. I am sending you hugs and PEACE....i hope you feel em!!!

[venusss]

that's just horrible.......... so sorry to hear

I don!t think there is any way to "get over" such thing. wish i had more advice

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks guys its appreciated... I cant really talk about this. My mom and younger brother, dont know any details, the dont want to know, my sister would be a mess if I brought it up (they were super close and she still cant sleep at night) and my friends, the few I have, I think it makes them uncomfortable, and its understandable... So I guess you guys have to put up with me as usual really wish I could just talk this subject dry and not have it bug me again. So many question marks and holes...

[Cocosurviving]

I'm really sorry ur going through this again. I know reading and learning horrible detailed info was really hurtful. Try to think abt good memories of your brother. I'll be praying for you.

[faerie_moon_x]

Trippin!

I didn't know you lost a brother like that.

It isn't strange to keep your brother's collogn by the bed, that's not weird at all. I have my mom's perfume still. I keep it safe and never use it.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm coping, you guys dont have to worry, I'm probly making it worse than it sounds. I'm just tired of losing... Lost a great job, an amazing brother,the greatest dad, love of my life, friends, and other brother (paedo,molested me, I have a no - contact rule)...when do I gain? Last I really gained was when I gave birth to Jordan in 2003... And even tho you guys aren't physically in my real life, you're the best gain after Jordan I'm just a bit drained from always being on the losing end.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

I'm coping, you guys dont have to worry, I'm probly making it worse than it sounds. I'm just tired of losing... Lost a great job, an amazing brother,the greatest dad, love of my life, friends, and other brother (paedo,molested me, I have a no - contact rule)...when do I gain? Last I really gained was when I gave birth to Jordan in 2003... And even tho you guys aren't physically in my real life, you're the best gain after Jordan I'm just a bit drained from always being on the losing end.

I feel the same, Trippin. Lost my mom, all my friends weren't really friends and are gone, my extended family barely even talks to me any more, and I was really close to them. My two cousins who I considered brothers act like I don't even exist. My dad, he's not gone but sick, really sick, and we lost a lot of our relationship when he married my step-mom. So, just on edge wondering when I get the news that I have no parents left. My oldest son, lost custody and although I see him, I don't really have him. It's more like having a nephew or something.

So, no, I don't like to lose any more. So the people I have, my sons, my husband... I don't know if I'd make it if they were gone from me.

And finding this place is great and we can all take and get it out.

[Anika.]

I hear you loud and clear. So many losses and suffering and where is the rest. I guess the rest is not as obvious and easy to spot, my take on it. Like you and DH and so many others I have lost so much, there can be times when there really seems to be no good coming. And yeah it gets tiring, really tiring, but we still go forward, and we get through what comes. The good stuff just isn't so flashy and in your face, but it is there.. somewhere.

I am glad you are coping, you know life really is not fair. It just isn't...

[Trippin2.0]

Nobody said life was fair, but they promised it would be worth it... Cant remember where I read that. Thing is Anika, I know there is small stuff, tiny stuff, and thats where this whole beef with God comes in. I'm expected to be thankful for every tiny scrap of something good that gets flung at me, but they NEVER measure up in enormity of what I'm forced to survive AND NOT question. Idk if I can do that anymore, all I know is,I've chosen not to,and this puts my spirituality in limbo,coz I cant be defined

[Trippin2.0]

DHX, I live with my mom and still keep waiting for her to just not be alive anymore... Guess its coz my dad died laughing, anything can happen, and people like leaving me or dying on me... Sorry that you know what that feels like

[Anika.]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Nobody said life was fair, but they promised it would be worth it... Cant remember where I read that. Thing is Anika, I know there is small stuff, tiny stuff, and thats where this whole beef with God comes in. I'm expected to be thankful for every tiny scrap of something good that gets flung at me, but they NEVER measure up in enormity of what I'm forced to survive AND NOT question. Idk if I can do that anymore, all I know is,I've chosen not to,and this puts my spirituality in limbo,coz I cant be defined

Oh boy , yes I know. Someone did tell me life was fair. I am not much help here because I gave up my belief in god years ago, even though this was my whole upbringing. Spirituality and religion are two different things, one can sometimes support the other, but spirituality can stand on its own. When we use religion to define our spiritual being, when or if it tumbles, we get lost and fall with it. You can have both, but you need room to find your own answers within. But Trippin, no matter your beliefs your spirituality is always within you, and needs not to be defined with rules or organization. It's there always.

I do believe we should question things, and not follow just cause.. Blind faith. And then to be a castout or condemned for questioning? Sounds like something isn't quite right with that idea. Even if after questioning you still arrive at god, that's fine. But not being allowed to question things removes free will, and to me.. logic.

You will find what you need, what your spirit needs, I do think you have it in you to know yourself pretty darn well.

[Trippin2.0]

I'm a creationist, I believe in God, Jesus and all that entails, but I cannot be what a 'good' Christian is taught to be. So I am nothing. I seperated from religion years ago, coz I get that it doesnt equal sprituality, but Idk how God fits into this new equation of mine. Obviously a staunch Christian family cant help me figure it out, so I kind of wing it...

[Anika.]

Winging is ok, I think it is. You know lots of christians do wing it. I know quite a few that do, what matters is how you feel about it and if you are comfortable with what you do, say and believe. And God is supposed to be a forgiving God, an understanding god.

I think of few of the rules were bent for societal reasons, not that the god they believe in said it was exactly so. Be the kind of christian YOU believe you want to be, or are. Christianity is supposed to be about your walk with god, personal and private. You and he can define your own relationship. And the others.. can do as they choose, if their "good christian" ways suit them fine, but don't let it weigh so heavily on your definition or relationship with god. You are not nothing, that is for sure. They do say god knows what is in your heart.

It takes time, sometimes lots of time to figure out where what fits and what doesn't in our equations with this stuff. Yeah it can feel like limbo, but I think it's part of the growing process, even if it seems stagnant.. I think it's not.

And I know you already know this stuff, you are smart, you are privy. Just don't want you to forget. And do not want you to feel like nothing!

[Trippin2.0]

Thank you Now why cant my dna sisters be more like you and dhx? Phooey. Listening to 'death' albums, Black Parade (MCR) and Nightmare (A7X) not as emo as it sounds, these albums make death ok, and the vocalist is someone (in my room) to relate to. Ok that does sound a tad weird, but Jordan did point out that I'm 'strangely weird' this evening, guess she means weirder than usual I think the knot in my stomach is finally gone now, well almost anyway.

[faerie_moon_x]

I think we all just wing it, Trippin. I think even "good Christian" households have their own versions of things. Even within the faiths there are so many different branches, so many views. No one can tell you what is right. We're all on our own journey and only we know what feels right for ourselves. Anyone who says they know the truth is lying to you and to themselves. So, just smile and back away slowly.

[Trippin2.0]

Smile and back away slowly... I LOVE IT! Thanks

[Anika.]

I love it too, or run. Doesn't sound too weird, the music and vocalist.. safer side of weird , good side. Just keep it real with yourself.

I am lucky, I got one DNA sister who is more like you guys. The other one is ahh she is actually pretty cool too, she is just she. My oldest sister who is a christian gave my a small Ganesha statue to keep in my pocket, and a keychain that says namaste on it for my birthday, I think that is awesome, if we can support each other with different paths. And we do it here often, I am glad that happens here. Or I would feel very aloooone. Or like a very huge weirdo, instead of an average one.

[faerie_moon_x]

I love it. A tiny Ganesha to go in your pocket! Pocket Diety!