[Speed3]

It is so hard to go through this alone. Like clockwork I have bad times everyday and they aren't getting better. I think in part because outside of here, I am becoming more and more alone.

Temptation in a weak state is making me shake all over. I found the bottle of Ativan it has about 200mg. I can't tell my husband I found it, he got very mad the last time I did.

I keep trying to find something in life to hold onto. Over the years, outside of Jason's death, my life has gone drastically downhill in so many areas.

I feel my life is meaningless, I know it is. I hate making hard decisions.

[Melmo]

We love you speed, if nothin else is worth living for, just remember we're here for you.

[Secretum]

Your life isn't meaningless; you are here for a purpose. Things will get better. Statistically, they have to. Imagine yourself in 5 years from now, content, seeing a new pdoc who cares, with your bp under control, reveling in new passions, maybe still with your husband (who by now has realized how lucky he is) or maybe with another man who cherishes you. I know that you think it can't happen. When we're depressed, we think that nothing good can happen to us, and that hopelessness breeds suicidality.

You have to hang on. You think that you know that it won't get better, but the truth is that it could, and it probably will.

[Clinte89]

Speed we all love and care for you here. Your a strong person who can help others. Your life is not meaningless. Tough times are surrounding you for sure but hang in there for the future people you help and the ones you've already helped.

[bluemountains]

I am so sorry Speed! I wish I could give you some advice to help you. You say you are trying, so keep it up. We all care!
Bluemountains

Keep your faith, Speed. It's a stabilizing force for us all if we let it be so.

Try doing some different things from your usual routine. Visit some places, get that
new psychiatric physician, have lunch out. Change the appearance of your interior
in the home. Have it painted a new and fresh color or change the carpet, redo
the curtains, or whatever it takes to make the atmosphere in the home different
for you.

Planning those things can help involve you in the activity that is important for recovery. Everything you do is helpful for your husband and your comfort. Know
that you will be successful as time continues to place you in new situations and
new efforts.

It really does get better, Speed, and much faster than you think if you'll just get
in to see a new psychiatrist, please, and be medicated properly. You do understand that it's a chemistry problem with the brain now. I feel certain you do.

Prayers going up tonight for your continued strengthening.

[Moose72]

I've been struggling with Ativan too for a month. I know its tough. Please give your Ativan to a friend of your husband can't be trusted.

["Tilly may"]

I care about you. I care that Jason is gone. Try to be strong and know that we care.

[BlueInanna]

How are you Speed. Im thinking of you. Keep talking please

[BipolaRNurse]

I understand about the Ativan, and I have a really good idea of what you're thinking. A year ago I almost ended it with the same stuff, but I had only about 12 tablets. Luckily, I didn't know how many it would take to do myself in, and I figured that what I had would be about enough to let me wake up in the ER in 4-point restraints with a tube up my nose and my former co-workers surrounding me and wondering WTF happened.

Don't do it, Speed. No matter what......don't do it. Your son isn't ready for you to be with him yet, you still have much to do in this life even if you don't know what it is right now.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by genetic

Keep your faith, Speed. It's a stabilizing force for us all if we let it be so.

Try doing some different things from your usual routine. Visit some places, get that
new psychiatric physician, have lunch out. Change the appearance of your interior
in the home. Have it painted a new and fresh color or change the carpet, redo
the curtains, or whatever it takes to make the atmosphere in the home different
for you.

Planning those things can help involve you in the activity that is important for recovery. Everything you do is helpful for your husband and your comfort. Know
that you will be successful as time continues to place you in new situations and
new efforts.

It really does get better, Speed, and much faster than you think if you'll just get
in to see a new psychiatrist, please, and be medicated properly. You do understand that it's a chemistry problem with the brain now. I feel certain you do.

Prayers going up tonight for your continued strengthening.

Hi Genetic,
I appreciate the ideas. It is almost impossible for me to leave the house without major panic attacks. My house, ukkkk, I have not cleaned in over two months. There are many projects that Jason and his dad started together. I constantly look up at the hole in the living room ceiling when they accidentally broke through when they were redoing the upstairs bathroom. The steps going upstairs are in the midst of being redone. The old carpet is off, most of the staples are gone. The banister is down. We do have a beautiful runner, we have had it for almost a year.

I tried to go out with my husband last night. We were setting up appointments to get memorial Tattos for Jason. Then we went to dinner. I got through the appetizer and had to go to the car. All the people laughing and having a good time was too much. Of course my husband was extremely mad, he said I ruined the night.

He went and got his tattoo, I could not go.

I don't have the energy to find a new PDOC, and like I said it is very hard for me to leave the house.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I understand about the Ativan, and I have a really good idea of what you're thinking. A year ago I almost ended it with the same stuff, but I had only about 12 tablets. Luckily, I didn't know how many it would take to do myself in, and I figured that what I had would be about enough to let me wake up in the ER in 4-point restraints with a tube up my nose and my former co-workers surrounding me and wondering WTF happened.

Don't do it, Speed. No matter what......don't do it. Your son isn't ready for you to be with him yet, you still have much to do in this life even if you don't know what it is right now.

I am fighting every minute.

Well, try using the Omega 3 fatty acids for calmness. The Nordic Omega 3's are
really helpful for me, but there are many brands available. Maybe your husband could pick up a supply for you. If you can get your sleep at night that will be a big
help, and the Omega 3's help me with that. It may take several days for them to
kick in, but they do help, and Speed stress creates acid for your tissues and fluids.
That's another reason you need to try to get things calmed down for you.

Prayer really helps, too,Speed, and prayers are going up for you each night.

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by genetic

Well, try using the Omega 3 fatty acids for calmness. The Nordic Omega 3's are
really helpful for me, but there are many brands available. Maybe your husband could pick up a supply for you. If you can get your sleep at night that will be a big
help, and the Omega 3's help me with that. It may take several days for them to
kick in, but they do help, and Speed stress creates acid for your tissues and fluids.
That's another reason you need to try to get things calmed down for you.

Prayer really helps, too,Speed, and prayers are going up for you each night.

Yes I have a good supply of Omega 3's, I order them on the Internet.
Thanks

[Speed3]

I find myself playing with my meds again today. A little extra this, a little extra that, adding 100mg Benadryl. I wait a little bit and see how that feels and maybe add some more.

My PDOC doesn't give a crap. I am not sure if I will be accepted to the Psyc unit, I have always used and is covered
100% by insurance. My husband doesn't want to be bothered. I am supposed to be where he is in feeling better. If I told him what I am doing he will blow up.

I put my Panic aside the other day and went to the ER associated with my Psyc unit. I told them the truth. Because my PDOC didn't call them back they let me go.

I am not sure that I want to die. I do want to feel numb. I do want someone to see how bad I am struggling, and how close to the edge I might go.

[THE16THDOCTOR]

Originally Posted by Speed3

I find myself playing with my meds again today. A little extra this, a little extra that, adding 100mg Benadryl. I wait a little bit and see how that feels and maybe add some more.

My PDOC doesn't give a crap. I am not sure if I will be accepted to the Psyc unit, I have always used and is covered
100% by insurance. My husband doesn't want to be bothered. I am supposed to be where he is in feeling better. If I told him what I am doing he will blow up.

I put my Panic aside the other day and went to the ER associated with my Psyc unit. I told them the truth. Because my PDOC didn't call them back they let me go.

I am not sure that I want to die. I do want to feel numb. I do want someone to see how bad I am struggling, and how close to the edge I might go.

I thought I was the only one to add Benadryl. I want to feel numb too but not as often as I used to want.
What abt group therapy or a support group. You can share your experiences with them (or on here) and talk to others going through the same thing. They can see your pain cause we've all gone through it and work together.
Your husband isn't an option to talk to I take it?

[Speed3]

Originally Posted by THE16THDOCTOR

I thought I was the only one to add Benadryl. I want to feel numb too but not as often as I used to want.
What abt group therapy or a support group. You can share your experiences with them (or on here) and talk to others going through the same thing. They can see your pain cause we've all gone through it and work together.
Your husband isn't an option to talk to I take it?

My Husband is definitely not someone to talk too. At some point I am going to have to take the whole bottle of Ativan,because I have been taking more each day then prescribed. It will run out sooner than it should. It he finds out I found it I will be dead anyway!

[THE16THDOCTOR]

Originally Posted by Speed3

My Husband is definitely not someone to talk too. At some point I am going to have to take the whole bottle of Ativan,because I have been taking more each day then prescribed. It will run out sooner than it should. It he finds out I found it I will be dead anyway!

Don't finish off the Ativan you'll regret. Also you won't have any left later if needed. You can also vent on here. I've def been through similar situations.

[Clinte89]

Speed you really need to try and go to the Er again. Your getting dangerous thoughts. Please take care of yourself and give up the bottle.

[Melmo]

Originally Posted by Clinte89

Speed you really need to try and go to the Er again. Your getting dangerous thoughts. Please take care of yourself and give up the bottle.

I agree with this. Speed, please get help. We are all here and we care about what happens to you.

[Melmo]

Speed, call this number. You need someone to talk to.
1-800-273-TALK (8255)

[Speed3]

My Friends,

You have helped me so much. I was able to tell my husband that I found the Ativan. I told him I took 2 small overdoses, and I wanted to take the rest of the bottle. He did not get mad. I told him this last week was very very hard. Of course he is going to lock up the Ativan. I don't understand the ER I went to.
I told them I took the Ativan and my blood pressure med in overdose form, the night before and that day. They just let me leave when they could not get my PDOC.

What do I have to do to get help ? Like my husband just said one of these times you aren't going to be so lucky.

[optimize990h]

I read your last post. You should have important numbers on speed dial on your phone. Like the Sui,,,,, Prevention number, you have been posting here as well (that is good.).

I can' t think of anything that will you immediate feedback...maybe the PC support chat room?

I feel your pain.

I don't know if you went to a grief support group in your area. Because someone there might have good suggestions, too.

That's the best I can think of. Sorry I can't think of more.

[BlueInanna]

Thinking of you and sending prayers, so glad he did not get mad at you, there is hope honey!!

[Victoria'smom]

Is there a way you can drive out of the area for in-patient? I know it'll be long without visitors but you need the help.