[Dylanzmama]

I always thought I had problems with depression-not mania. My 4 year old just went into my bookcase and presented me with a journal from 2007. That was 3 years before my manic psychotic break.
Wow. It's filled with some pretty classic bipolar stuff.
Bummer.
Now I'm questioning everything. Was I manic at the time?
This sucks.

[Nessa213]

I recently came across one of my old journals too (mine was from 1998 when I was in high school). Very classic bipolar it was almost shocking. Even way I KEPT the journal was bipolar. If I was having a good day I'd write in it from the front going back. But it was all random stuff: sketches, movie quotes, phrases in French, things like that. But if I was having a bad day I'd write in the journal from the back going forward and it was all dark depressing stuff. Suicidal poetry... talking about visions or death. I even wrote one poem that said that my life was like a hallway with a lot of different doors. And on any given day I'd never which door I'd go in, or WHO I was going to be that day.

Finding it was literally shocking. There's something about the realization that we've been likethis for a lot longer than we thought that almost stings us a little bit.

[BipolaRNurse]

I agree! I've gone back over old journals, reassessed some of the things I've done in my life, and reviewed incidents I'd never had a clue about even though I did them. Now it all makes sense in light of my diagnosis.....the signs have been there all along. The good thing about that is, it explains so much of the past and why I behaved the way I did (and still do from time to time).

Try to relax and let things unfold as they will. This is a time of upheaval and big changes for you, there are a lot of adjustments to make and they won't be easy. But you'll come through it if you keep reaching out to people, talking about the issue, and getting others' perspectives.

[kaliope]

it is certainly disheartening when the reality of bipolar strikes. I only wrote when I wasn't doing well. my journals can trigger a manic episode so I don't read them but I can track my cycles by doing so. Happy to say, finding the right medication keeps me on track and I can live a normal productive life for the most part. Keep your chin up and find a good t and pdoc and the right meds and you can do well too.

[LiteraryLark]

I was diagnosed bipolar at 18. Then it felt like all the pieces were coming together and everything started making sense. I had always been bipolar, it was always obvious, but I never had a name for it until recently.

[Trippin2.0]

Now hopefully you are willing to accept your reality and do what's neccessary to improve your quality of life

I don't mean to sound like a b!tch or be insensitive to anyone honest, but when I read posts like these my mind goes;

"really? you had no idea? none? do you live on planet denial or do you have self-ignorance instead of self-awareness?.... orrr, did none of this pose a problem until a pdoc said it was"


I know I've always had a heightened sense of self-awareness and don't expect others to be exactly like me, but I just honestly cannot relate to having no cooking clue. I knew when I was 15 that I was off my rocker, even though I functioned exceptionally and was only dxd 10yrs later....

Sorry, my brain is just trying to make sense of it, if any of you don't mind, I'd actually like to understand, because it feels like I'm being judgemental with this thought process.

[A Red Panda]

I've suspected bipolar since age 16 or 17 really... so it's not really a surprise when the psychiatrist agreed.

I can't really check my old diaries - the ones I wrote in the most are gone (they were online). I still have my livejournal, but I didn't write nearly as much in it about my day to day life. And mostly my journals were for writing about stressful things and depression; I was never very good at documenting things when I was in a good mood.

I do, however, have all the poetry I wrote. Some of them are just plain odd! Some are really depressing, and others well... others you can really see the manic side.

For example:

(Sorry for the length! This one was 2004 or 2003)
Flying high, oh so high,
Glancing at the lives below.
Flying high, oh so high,
Wondering where my life will go.

Thinking fast, oh so fast,
Thoughts rushing through my head.
Thinking fast, oh so fast,
Some are wishing I was dead.

Falling hard, oh so hard,
The landing breaks my heart.
Falling hard, oh so hard,
I don't know where to start.

Breaking down, oh so down,
I curl up in a ball.
Breaking down, oh so down,
Why am I so small.

Lying still, oh so still,
Never wanting to arise.
Lying still, oh so still,
Vain are all my tries.

Or this (from 2001):

Exploding forth from deep within,
rapid and constant,
a hasty burst of babble.

Speech streaming, while thoughts are thinking,
unconscious and unheeded,
unaware of the chatter.

A preoccupied mind, the ramble continues,
pointless and unimportant,
an efficient facade.

Diligently serving the purpose,
determind and effective,
providing time for a decision.

Hearing conversations, though not listening,
intentionanl yet accidental,
already overflown.

Appearing aloof, but carefully observing,
beneficial yet damaging,
a reflective nature.

Passing off compliments and insults,
unwanted yet helpful,
giving knowledge for improvement.

Refraining from dealing out and taking in,
undesired yet badly needed,
always ending restless and exhausted.

LOL.

[Nessa213]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

"really? you had no idea? none? do you live on planet denial or do you have self-ignorance instead of self-awareness?.... orrr, did none of this pose a problem until a pdoc said it was"

From my perspective. No. No idea at all. I 100% thought everything I was experiencing was completely normal. I thought sure, perhaps I was more emotional, more moody than everyone else I knew but I thought that's just how I was supposed to be. I thought hearing things, seeing things was normal and had convinced myself that everyone experienced it but never talked about it.

To be honest I didn't even KNOW what bipolar was. I thought sure, I could get depressed... suicidally depressed every once in a while... but hell, I'd snap out of it eventually so I must be faking it. I knew I was different, but no... being bipolar didn't cross my mind.

Bipolar people were "crazy" people that threw things and yelled uncontrollably. That wasn't me...

Until like a year ago anyway.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Nessa213

From my perspective. No. No idea at all. I 100% thought everything I was experiencing was completely normal. I thought hearing things, seeing things was normal and had convinced myself that everyone experienced it but never talked about it.
I knew I was different

I didn't mean how did you not know you're specifically bipolar, I meant how did you have no idea something was wrong...

Anyway so see the quote above? My thought process was kinda accurate albeit a bit *****y.

You say you had zero self-awareness (No idea), then you were in denial ( convinced yourself of "normality")
And then lastly say you always knew, just didn't know its name.

So in essence you did know, even though you didn't know what it was that you knew at the time

[BipolaRNurse]

I was the same way. I've known something was "wrong" with me since about the age of 5, but never had a name for the beast until I was 53.

Actually, I suspected bipolar for about a decade before I was diagnosed, but I knew about lithium from years of studying (and giving) medications, and I wanted no part of it. THAT'S what kept me from getting treated......I thought lithium was the only treatment for bipolar and I wasn't going to take it, so why bother going to a psychiatrist who'd only want to give it to me?

Well, that's how I rationalized it, anyway. LOL. What I was, was in denial about how much trouble I was really in, and it took a loud, profane, embarrassing outburst of rage---in front of my co-workers---to make me understand that I needed help.

Even so.....it took me many months to fully accept the diagnosis. It was one thing to think I might have it, and another thing entirely to hear it pronounced by a doctor trained to figure this stuff out. Now I just take my meds and celebrate the good times, knowing that there will be bad times too.

[ultramar]

I knew (how couldn't I?) for a very long time that I had extreme highs and lows. I didn't do anything about it (i.e. seek out help) because I was either afraid of seeing therapists/pdocs, having too much fun, or ignorant of and/or resistant to the notion that this was something to be medicated.

I was 'off the grid' for a good many years, didn't watch much TV, very limited Internet (from living abroad and just the way I was, here in the US as well), and didn't think in terms of mental illness, it's not how I saw myself or others, not how I thought. It wasn't until a series of events led to constant panic attacks where it became terrifying to leave my home (and this wasn't even the bipolar) that I sought help. I didn't even ask my pdoc of that time what my diagnosis was (aside from the anxiety, which was an obvious cause and effect/PTSD) until a couple of years in, just took the meds, and it took some time to find things that helped me.

I kept journals -nearly daily- for many many years. I suppose if I looked back at them with the eye of someone with the knowledge I have now of bipolar I could come to some conclusions, sure. But it wouldn't be so cut and dried. If I had written in my journals: "Haven't slept for days, but I'm not in the least tired and feel great!" then yeah, that would clinch it, but I wasn't writing through that lens before the diagnosis and subsequent research. So, yes, I suppose it does explain a great many things from the past, but I prefer not to think about it that way. I'm extremely grateful that I have received the help I need, but thinking about this now, I am a bit wistful for the years when I just lived moment to moment and didn't categorize, define, ruminate on why I was feeling the way I did. I guess in an ideal world, I'd rather have the help I need (which I have now) while at the same time the concept of 'mental illness' be nonexistent.

[polesapart]

"really? you had no idea? none? do you live on planet denial or do you have self-ignorance instead of self-awareness?.... orrr, did none of this pose a problem until a pdoc said it was"

I lived on planet denial. I had my first serious suicidal depression at 15, my first mania at 17, but I didn't go to a doctor until I was 30. My role in my family was to be the 'normal' one. Both of my older brothers had serious mental health problems (bipolar and depression respectively) and my parents were always so proud of me for being normal. It was a role that I maintained outwardly. My husband and I did talk about my highs and lows and a few times discussed that I should see a doctor, but I didn't follow through until I was 30.

I have a suspicion that my denial was so complete that if you had asked me whether I had ever been depressed in my stable periods I would have denied it.

There was a part of me that knew, and I actually told my husband what the diagnosis would be before I went to the doctor. I think I had to accept it, before I was able to hear a doctor say it.

[cherry1435]

[I can totally relate...diagnosed MDD for 20+ years and nothing worked. I wondered about bipolar from all the research I did but never thought I experienced the mania until recently when it got out of control and I had to get help. The moment my doc said lithium, I was ready to walk out. I pictured old time insane asylums..."One Flew Over the ..." type stuff. Once he settled me down and explained, I agreed and while I am no where near where I need to be, I am definitely on the right track finally. I'm 46 and believe I suffered since my teens though I never sought treatment until mid 20s. We just have to work with our docs, and keep the faith!

[Dylanzmama]

Thanks for all the responses!
And to the question of being in denial...I always knew something was different about me. When I was hospitalized at 26 after a suicide attempt the doc said there was nothing they could do for me til I got sober. So I got sober and spent 12 years in AA thinking I was nuts because I was alcoholic. There were plenty of people telling me that was so.
But I was sober when I lost it in 2010...
Does that make sense?

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

I knew about lithium from years of studying (and giving) medications, and I wanted no part of it. THAT'S what kept me from getting treated......

Ha...very similar issue here. I'm also a nurse and thought to myself "Well I'm not going to be one of THOSE patients!" Ironically, the day before my most recent terrible crash where I could think of almost nothing but suicide day in and day out, and which finally ended me up on meds thankfully, I had a patient who had a history of bipolar who went completely,and I do mean completely apesh*t on me at the end of my shift. It scared me, quite frankly, not because of how she acted, but because I realized I saw something about myself in her... Sometimes you get the patients you need, not the patients you want...

I have only very recently (a month ago?) been diagnosed and just started meds 2 days ago. It was a shock to my system, but I know I should have seen it coming. I have really come full circle in the past 48 hours. I KNOW I need the meds. I look forward to day when they start to kick in to their fullest effect. I was at a point where I was going to die, so now I'm thankful for my life, and especially my therapist (ESPECIALLY my therapist) and my PMHNP who helped me pick one foot up after the other when I really couldn't do it anymore.

I had my first suicidal depression when I was about 16...went on Paxil and remembering telling my therapist that I couldn't believe it worked so well after 2 doses! I was bouncing off the walls. Then at some point, on the same med, I dumped into another depression that lasted another long while, with off and on bouts of suicidal ideation/intention and some really close calls. Later, the same exact thing happened on wellbutrin...I took it, flipped into what I now understand to by hypomania in about 2 doses (even though normally antidepressents take WEEKS to work right?) then dropped into another suicidal depression until I finally went off the med. Most of this time, I was not in treatment, or not in any serious treatment and certainly not diagnosed. In between all the suicidal thoughts have been moments like when I decided to open a restaurant with a total stranger or deciding to move to North Korea.

I have always felt "different" for a lot of reasons, and always hid my moods from others but wondered why no one else seemed to experience the same sudden, unprovoked "swings" that I did...I found people laughing at my hypomania-induced thoughts and never understood why. I really never considered this diagnosis, and it's still terrifying to me in many ways, but now that I'm closer to accepting it, I feel a lot of relief and I hope the same happens for everyone who struggles with this.