Hello rage

I did NOT miss you. I thought I'd get away with a nice mellow hypomania but no, you had to come in and ruin in. Now I know I'm almost at full blown mania and it sucks. How quickly you turn into a b1tch. I thought we could be friends but you stabbed me in the back again.

Now I just have to stay out of the hospital long enough for the trileptal to work.

i feel like raging around my house still but i took my klonopin so i am calmer. it was so stupid too - my husband snapped at me for something dumb i did and i just lost it. i didn't lose it on him but i was b*tchy and irritable the rest of the night, yelling at him for stuff that wasn't necessary.

sometimes i feel like this isn't even real, like i'm not even real, like is this real life or am i someone else? that's when i get scared. when i'm so high i can't even see who i really am. i freaked out inside at dinner today because i felt like i couldn't see anything for what it was. i mean literally see anything. i couldn't drive because the car didn't feel real and i couldn't make sense of the other cars on the road. my husband had to take over.

we had a family session today with my therapist and my husband found out i stopped the abilify on my own without picking up the trileptal and he was rightfully upset. but i just raged at him. i felt like punching the car window out. i wanted to lose my ***** in a store when someone looked at me the wrong way and there was no way i was dealing with our toddler on my own. thankfully it was bedtime by the time i got home.

man i just don't like mania. i like hypo. but i don't like the weird delusions that come with the mania for me. i'm at least coherent now from the klonopin. this is what i get for playing around with my meds on my own. i guess this has really reinforced for me that i do actually have bipolar. i've been doubting because i was depressed for months on abilify but obviously if i don't take it i go manic.

i've been a bad girl, refusing to use DBT skills because i've felt so good i didn't think i needed them, but i do. i have to figure out how to get back on track and use the skills when i get rageful like this because it's not fair to my family to keep being hospitalized. thankfully the goal of the program is to keep you out of the hospital so hopefully when i see the pdoc next week they won't put me in. i don't think they will if i can just control myself and my stupid mouth. that's what always gets me in trouble; my blunt honesty with the doctors. but i figure i spent years and years lying and never got any help so i might as well be honest now.

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh i need hugs people. thanks in advance.

Wild I hope the damn rage monster gets lost very quick ! Sucks that you had some really enjoyable time leading up to it. I hope your med kicks in fast.

Hang in there... I'm here if you need to rant vent or rage

Anxiety, depression and rage...the 3 emotions I have had after my manic/psychotic episode. Started seroquel in jan. and that helped, but I still get visits from the big 3. Had the rage today,too. I think it's my least favorite. Like I don't have enough trouble feeling decent about myself!

Great and now after two klonopin and the trileptal I can't sleep. Fantastic.

I so can relate, as I have gone on and off my meds, pissing my wife off when she asks where my bottles of pills are, and I say in the toilet

This is the longest I have stayed on my meds, now coming on three weeks... not long at all! But through the past couple of months, like you, it has become clear an apparent that I am definitely bipolar/bpd.

I plan to try very hard to stay on the meds no matter what... I think you have to really accept the diagnosis before any recovery can happen.

Hang in there, Wild, I am sure you will improve in the weeks to come. Blessings

Had huge fights with my husband all day. Ended up self harming to calm down. Didn't feel like I had any other choice. I don't feel like I care about anything right now. I feel like I'm right and fck everyone who says differently. Almost crashed my car.

Why did I screw with my medication? The switch has flipped to high voltage and it's too late to turn it off. I can't do this.

Well that was fun had a huge fight with hubby over the SI and he threatened to leave me and take our son if I did it again and all I can think is how unfair it is that I can't do it again.

Wild

I'm so sorry you are going through all this hell

Please take care of you

Hi wildflowerchild... bummer that it has been rough going. mania is a mean b*t**! Do you think you should give your T a heads up about where you are at? Maybe they can give you something to bring you down fast and then you can resume your regular meds once you've "landed"? In any case, I am sending you some good energy and some hugs...

I hope your meds kick in soon for you. Mania is the worst. For the future, though, remember this time and how it feels when you are tempted to go off your meds.

Yeah I'm going to request to see the dr in my program on Monday, maybe get an ap to bring this down until the trileptal might start working. This is craziness. I can't stop being pissed off. I wore myself out with a run ( I don't run btw) just so I can maybe calm the hell down. Gonna take my last klonopin and try to sleep.

Hang in there. Thinking of you.

You ok today WFC?

Today I feel like crawling out if my skin. Every time I get touched I wanna smack the crap out if the toucher which is unfortunately my toddler. I'm afraid of myself right now. My DBT skills aren't working or I'm not using them correctly or something. I'm afraid of what in going to do today since yesterday was a total disaster. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt my toddler but I can't tell anyone that because dcpp will be here in two seconds to take him away from me.

My husband is at work. I took my last vistaril already. I am scared of myself and can't tell anyone.

Can't call my T she's not available on Sundays same for pdoc. So I have to hold on for tomorrow.

I know I can do it I'm an adult ******mit that is what hubby said I have to stop acting like a child and he is right this is all in my head nothing is real and I don't know what is real anyway I'm acting like a brat and I just need to stop the BS. It's in my head it's in my head it's inn my head.

Thanks for caring.

(((hugs))) If you are concerned about your safety or the safety of your family...it may be time for ER. only you know when its time. just for another point of view (if you do not want to involve your husband) can you call a crisis hotline? It sounds like things are rough and you could sure use some understanding support. Please take care of yourself and don't be concerned with anyone who tells you your acting childish or that it is in your head. Just keep in mind that you need to be safe and your toddler needs to be safe. Do whatever it takes to make that happen, even if that means making "the call". I will hold you in good thoughts and continue to send support and hugs your way.

Hugs, hugs, hugs....Please do not take my words as condescending or harsh- they were written with loving-kindness, and that sometimes does not translate so well with my writing style

...wildchild, maybe stop being so tough on yourself. And while this is in the head, it is a broken head...at least I know mine is. As many times as I tried it without meds, I just could not keep it together. Don't let the illness control you, but at the same time don't let it keep you out of control, either.

Stable days can be found, and for me that requires me staying on my meds, as well as DBT. With the DBT you only get out of it what you put into it. Instead of trying to talk yourself out of your illness, accept it and move forward.

the only way i'm going back to the hospital is in handcuffs.

i'm afraid of crisis hotlines because i'm afraid they can track where i am and send the cops for me.

i'm going the drug route today - drug myself with lots of benadryl so i can remain calm (and tired). at least my baby has taken a nice long nap today and then i'm going shopping with my mom so i'll be away from him. husband is home now too so everything's going to be ok.

thank god i'm so med sensitive that benadryl will chill me out.

i guess what i really mean is i feel like I'M not real, like i'm not a live human being. i'm convincing myself that i don't actually exist or worse that it would be better if i didn't if i really do. i'm having trouble not self-harming because i think that would prove that i'm real....right if i bleed i must be real.

isn't that a movie somewhere? of course pinocchio wanted to be a real boy.

i can't share any of this with my therapist and doctor tomorrow. i don't even know if i'm going to see the doctor tomorrow. i only see the pdoc every two weeks in my program now that i am IOP. i can put a request in i think but i'm afraid to. i'm afraid they are going to want to hospitalize me and i just can't do that to my family again. it's so unfair.

i'm afraid i'm going to lose my $hit otherwise. i don't even want to go to program tomorrow but it's a worse idea to stay home.

i hope i can remember this moment the next time i'm feeling good and want to stop my meds.

thanks for your caring. i appreciate it.

Happy to hear this! Blessings to you, prayers and hugs coming your way

Can't remember who told me- oh yes, it was Red Panda!- to write on a piece of paper something like- "you are a totally awesome person that is happy and feeling good, but still needs to take their meds!"

Working for me so far!

And try listening to this song by Capital Cities- always makes me feel better

posting here so i don't flood the board with my ramblings. i don't think i'll sleep at all tonight. seriously, what's the point? I feel like i could stay up forever even though i took benadryl to make me sleep. i've got so much to write but i can't finish a sentence.

today went better than yesterday because i kept myself drugged but dammit i don't want to have to do that all the time.

i feel like i'm being watched by DCPP (social services) because my husband said i'm on their list. i bet you they've been watching me this whole time somehow, taking notes in the stores i go to, taking notes on how i treat my son to watch me slip up. i almost hurt him today because i accidentally bent his arm the wrong way when he was screaming at me and i was trying to prevent him from hitting me - i just wanted him to stop screaming, not hurt him. i'm going to make sure i'm not left alone with him until this is over. i bet DCPP is reading this right now. I think i'm anonymous enough though.

i also think my job is trying to screw me over. they fired both my staff members (i have two classroom aides) and now i found out they moved my social worker to the room next door. they're trying to trip me up. they're trying to make it so they can prove i'm an unfit teacher and fire me and totally screw me for money

but the joke's on them because i'm a fcking awesome teacher. i already have lesson plans for well into september thanks to hypomania that came before the mania. i have so many ideas they won't know what to do with themselves. admin will see they're screwing with the wrong woman. i will take them down. they think they can beat me because i actually respect my students and their opinions so i don't discipline them properly. just wait. just wait. i took all the kids that no one else wanted last year AND kept them out of trouble and this is how they repay me? HA. admin's going to get a shock.

i'm trying to write my book but it's so depressing i'd rather not. i want to write to save the world. i think i can save people with my writing if i could just finish a fcking paragraph.

i don't know who i am right now. i'm not an earthling, that's for sure. and funny thing is i think now i never was. i never belonged anywhere, even from preschool i can remember everyone hating me.

i'm seeing moving shadows and i hate moving shadows and i hate seeing them and i wish it would go away. the dog sees them too though so maybe they're real. at least he's acting like he sees them. i still hear music even though there is definitely no music playing. i don't like the hallucinations.

but if you could talk to me IRL you'd never see any of this. it's all inside my own head. i keep it there so people don't think i'm crazy. but my facade is cracking. i hope i can keep it in front of the doctor tomorrow. but tomorrow in group is adrianna, and she is so boring. she lectures the whole time. i can't sit through a DBT lecture. i can't sit still at all. if i take benadryl before hand i'll just go to sleep and i can't do that either. funny enough the next module is emotion regulation. yay for me.

you know there's only two weeks left until i have to go back to school? TWO WEEKS. i have two weeks to stabilize completely otherwise i can't get back to school and work.

if they try to put me inpatient this week i'm going to flip out. like not even a joke, throw chairs and everything. the fight with my husband was ugly. i threw stuff at him, screamed at him, kicked things, threw things around the room....all in front of my toddler who i am trying to teach not to hit or throw. good for me. i'm a great mom.

hubby said the baby will start blaming himself eventually for this stuff. he's right i blamed myself for everything my mom did when we were young. i gotta get this **** under control.

maybe i will go to sleep. i'm so bored up on my own. i have nothing to do. i guess i'm done rambling. at least the benadryl cleared my mind enough so that i could write real sentences.

Yes. An existence of panic and crisis, a world of turmoiling emotion that sways you from one end to the other, almost drowning you and killing you slowly.....
and that's all on the inside.

on the outside it all business. Poker face. No one will ever know.
at least not until you completely break. But as long as there is even the slightest bit of will left in you, then no one will ever know more than you feel sick, like the flu one day or that you are angry.

anger hides most of the external symptoms that people would otherwise see.

I understand completely keeping it all in and never showing it.
Because if you even start to let it all out, it would destroy you. It is just too big and powerful to ever, ever let out.

I hope that you do not feel alone, and that there is no such thing as posting too much.