[holdingonhope]

Newest saga chapter. On the night of the 20th my husband gets completely trashed as he has been every night for the past 3 weeks. Only this night he gets furious and takes off in our truck. He crashes said truck (my poor truck!) and gets himself arrested...again. The 21st we had court over his last arrest which now had to be continued because he got picked up...again. When will he learn that alcohol = stupidity = jail!!!! Apparently not this month...

So like the good wife I am I listen to his dejected voice every time he calls me and I show up to his court bond hearing and I go bail his butt out of jail...again. Then we go bail my truck out of vehicle jail...again. What was the tab of this act of stupidity? $1,825. I could kill him. So he does the usual song and dance about how sorry he is and how he's going to do better..blah blah blah. At least this time he started taking his anti-anxiety meds again and made another appointment with the psychiatrist.

I bail him out and he comes home on the 22nd. Things are good. We hang out with his family on the 23rd for his moms birthday and yesterday he was in a good mood cause his boss didn't fire him and he went back to work. We text and called each other a few time's yesterday..still good mood. Then he comes home. Completely different man walks through my door. I had spent all day with the girls scrubbing floors and wiping down walls. Moving furniture and picking up. Bathrooms were spotless and dishes and laundry were being caught up. K isn't really big on praise so I sent him a text that said the girls have worked really hard on the house today. Please tell them how good it looks. So...naturally he walks in the door at about 10:30pm and my middle and oldest daughter are still awake with my youngest passed out on the couch. First thing he says is you worked on this all day? It still looks like ****. To which my middle daughter's face just falls and my oldest stomps to her room and slams the door.

I take a minute to breath and calm my temper then follow him back to our bedroom. I just stand at the door and wait. He turns and looks at me and says what? I'm not going to tell them it looks good when it doesn't. It doesn't even look like you did anything today. The laundry is still not done and our room is a mess still. Basically all he saw was what we hadn't managed to get done in 9 hours and not what we did. There was one pile of laundry left...in the entire house. He grabs our laundry basket which contained his one work outfit from yesterday and slams it down in front of me. He says as usual its my stuff that gets done last...he has a million pairs of work shorts. One dirty pair is not going to kill him. So he goes on and on about how I'm a horrible mother and I don't care about him or take care of him. How I can't do anything he asks of me..blah blah blah. To make it all better he starts in on our bills. Says I rely on him to pay everything and I'm so air headed that I don't even have a plan on how to pay the mortgage payment on Monday. I really wanted to remind him that I had had the money...I had to use it to bond him and my truck out. Had the money for the mortgage AND all of this months bills. Now we don't even have enough left to make the deductible to get the truck in the shop..because of him. Do I say this? Of course not...I keep my mouth shut cause lets face it..it would do no good to say any of it.

He goes on and on and I get more and more angry then he says it...When he got arrested he got charged with another felony. He knows he's going to have to do time over this one. We both knew it the moment they read off the charges. If we are lucky it will only be 3 months...if we aren't it will be 9 months. We won't be lucky. So in the middle of all this word vomit as I call it spilling out of his mouth he says he knows while he's gone I'm going to cheat on him to get back at him for all those messages I have found on his phone. I can't help it...my anger goes away and for the first time last night I take a good look at my husband. He's scared. He's scared to death that we are going to lose everything..which we are in severe danger of doing..but more he's worried when he gets out he won't have his family to come home to. Why would I wait 9 months for him? He wouldn't wait for someone like him if he were me.

At this point I stop arguing at all. I just sit there and let him say everything he needs to. After about another hour he goes to bed. I finish up the kitchen, take a shower, do some homework, and then go to bed about 4. I wait. There is one sign that tells me in the morning everything is going to be ok. When he goes to bed angry he will either at some point snuggle up to my back and wrap his arms around me or he won't. If he does we are going to be ok in the morning. If he doesn't then the mood will continue throughout the next day. He didn't. First thing this morning I got up and put his clothes in the washer. He then decided to take a shower after the washer had been going about 10 minutes. I was busy elsewhere and didn't hear him get into the shower until he started yelling out the door about the washer being on. He very obviously saw me start the load. After his shower he came out and said see another prime example of how you disregard what I need and how it's just you (me and the kids) versus him. So I don't need to bother doing anything for him ever again because I can't do anything right anyway. Nice.

I was so looking forward to today. His one day off and my kids are right now at an ice cream party and we had 4 hours of kid free time which we never get. So what are we doing? He's in the living room watching a movie and I'm sitting here typing this and doing homework. This is the worst part about being married to him. The disappointment. The plans that don't come together because he goes into an episode. The precious alone moments we miss because he doesn't want to even look at me. I know I'm married but it mostly doesn't feel like it. I miss my friend. I miss my husband. I feel very very alone right now.

[DePressMe]

holdingonhope, wow, you have a lot going on with your hubby. It sounds like he really needs personal therapy. I'm not sure if counseling is an option for you or not but I also think couples counseling would help you guys out a lot. I hope he is careful and does not drink on his anti-anxiety meds because that could cause another disaster. It sounds like you are really supportive of him even though he is verbally and emotionally abusive towards you. Remember, you have to take care of yourself. I don't know if standing up to him would help but it seems like the only option. Of course if he does not get help with his issues it may not change things. I wish you the best....D.

[roads]

I think a large part of the heartache, holdings hope, is that you don't comprehend your husband's situation exactly. You say, "Wife of Husband with Ultradian Bipolar 2 Disorder & OCD (currently unmedicated)." He's actually pretty heavily self-medicated from your description--on alcohol, I assume. He may well be an addict, which pushes the bipolar & OCD issues way over the top.
In my opinion, you both need to face up to and deal with the addiction. He's already got legal issues from it, certainly emotional/mental, and possibly medical.
I'm very concerned about your kids, who may already be scarred for life. Please--you all need help with this.
Roadie

[Victoria'smom]

Here's the thing, I believe you are being abused. The things you have said don't seem to be BP and I think you guys as a couple and for yourself need intensive therapy to make this work. Please get your kids into therapy so they can deal with the tension in your home. I would only bail my husband out if we had the extra money. That way he may get time served. Sorry your going through this alone please get a therapist for more support.

[Morigan]

Ultimatum Time

He must work hard to do damage control. You are very empathetic and forgiving towards him. I grew up in a house like that. Have the courage to live the life you want to live.

Be it with you husband ( provided he gets the help he needs )
Or giving yourself and the kids a healthy home environment

He needs to sort himself out before he can be a good husband and father. Just like I had to: come to terms with the feelings of guilt and shame, get help, and show my loved ones that i am still the same person, a made bad decisions and I refused meds.

Holding on to hope - I am holding on with you. You have yourself to heal as well.

all my best wishes - good luck

[Amelie10]

I really like your screen name...holding on hope. Clearly that is exactly what you are doing right now. I can relate to many aspects of your story. The family dynamics around addiction, the feeling that no matter what you do it is never enough, and the deep pain of feeling so alone when your husband is in the next room.

I don't know if you have any recovery or therapy, but you clearly have some great tools around not taking the bait. You can't argue with an addict or someone who is not medicating their mental illness.

You cannot change him or his situation. You can only change yourself and your situation. I would strongly recommend an Al Anon meeting. There are even on-line meetings. There you will find other people how have gone through exactly what you are describing, and they can share their strength and hope with you. I hope you can find some healing there.

Hang in there and just take it one minute at a time. And keep holding on to hope.

[frippet]

a person can only give so much before they have nothing left to give. I agree with the al a non idea. they can help you can have age appropriate discussions with your kids about what is going on. I do that with mine so that they know the illness has nothing to do with them. They also know that other kids have issues at home too. I am so sorry you are facing all these harsh situations. I made it through after losing everything. I don't wish it on anyone. hugs

[Phoenix_1]

I want to help you, really I do. But you have to realize that you and your daughters are being abused by K and you are in danger. What if he gets drunk and drives with you and the girls in the truck? Who knows what could happen. And until HE gets help and therapy and joins an organization like AA and gets sober, AND sees a psychiatrist and takes his psych meds, AND sees a therapist regularly for treatment, nothing will ever ever EVER change. HE has to change, HE has to WANT to change or nothing ever will change.

I've been abused. I had two abusive marriages, the 2nd one worse than the first. The 2nd one was in jail and I supported him through it yada yada yada. I finally left when he threatened to kill me and I believed him. He really meant it. I ran to a woman's shelter, and disappeared from his life. I went to an 11 week support group for abused women TWICE and have had counseling from a therapist biweekly for 4 years, and I'm still not ok. I will probably never marry again, and I don't even want a boyfriend, unless some kind of miracle happens. And I don't believe in miracles any more.

You need to put you and your children first. You need to think about your kids and if they and you are SAFE.

This situation will never change and never end until HE admits he needs help and actually looks for it and gets it and accepts it.

YOU can do nothing.

I know, I've been there.

If you think my words are hard and cruel, well I've been there and done that and I will never never ever let someone abuse me or my kids again.

You have to look out for yourself and your kids, NUMBER ONE. You need help and support and Al Anon or a woman's support group can help you. If nothing else, get the advice of a good lawyer. I don't know where you live, but almost every place has lawyers who work pro bono (free). The Salvation Army provides pro bono lawyers where I live.

HE needs to take care of himself and his alcoholism and BP and whatever else. If he doesn't feel like doing it, that's HIS problem.

Please go to the library and get some books on co-dependency and domestic emotional abuse.

And if there's a forum here for alcoholics, maybe ask some people on there what they think.

Right now, YOU are the only good sane parent that your kids have. You need to put yourself and your kids first. I can't say this enough times. You need to put you and your kids first.

And I will honestly tell you that when I went to the woman's shelter and met good women who were psychologists and social workers and they told me that nothing nothing but nothing was my fault, I felt such relief that you can't even imagine. The support there was overwhelming and those women were so kind and caring that I cried. I had needed someone to care for so many years. And so do you and your kids.

I'm sorry I can't offer you tea and sympathy but you're in between a rock and a hard place and only hard words can help now. You need to get out. And just think, if you pack up and leave, it may be just the wake up call that K needs to start changing his ways. The courts will give you custody and child support and other financial supports, no problem. If you can't afford a lawyer, the court will appoint one for you. And if nothing else, there's always welfare. I spent a year on welfare after I left my 2nd husband, and I got my s**t together again enough to hold a job. And I was given an apartment in government housing where the rent is determined by your income. You need supports like that to get you and your daughters to a safe and secure place.

My best advice is to get out, and the sooner the better.

I send many many many hugs to you and your daughters. You need them.

[A Red Panda]

Yeah, sorry to jump on the bandwagon holdingon...... but K's just plain and simply an irresponsible a-hole. I know that you love him and that you are staying with him, but all said and done he NEEDS to change. Maybe jail again would be good for him - it should at least sober his sorry butt up.

I concur with everyone suggesting that you get your kids into therapy. I don't know why it never occured to say it before. but they should be covered by your job, even if K isn't fully yet. They need therapy because they ARE being abused by him. He might not be intending to abuse them, but he is. Every single action of his IS abusive towards you and the kids - you might be right now keeping yourself afloat because you understand a bit more about where he's coming from.... but your kids cannot be expected to understand it.

And he can bloody well go to AA meetings or SOMETHING like that even before you get him onto medication. There is NO REASON for him to continue being such a douchebag... which is his choice, btw. He's choosing that, by choosing to drink.

And trust me... I'm sure a looooot of us on this board understand self-medicating and how ugly it can be.

[Trippin2.0]

Bipolar isn't synonomous to abusive.
It saddens me that you explain away his behaviour with a diagnosis, and not much else. I would not have posted bail, his actions, his repercussions, his problem. Then he still has the audacity to question the state of your finances????

No. Its time for you to smell the roses, he needs to shape up or ship out. You may feel its ok to put up with this BS, you literally signed up for it.

Your girls on the other hand did not.

I know you're struggling, having a really difficult time with this, and I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but this is definitely one of those "shatter the glass" moments, its time we call a spade a spade.

[~Christina]

He is abusive, Plain and simple. You can NOT change him into the husband you think he can be .. caring loving and a father to the kids. He is choosing to live his life the way he decides. You have no legal reason to allow this and your damn sure deserve better .. better for you and kids.

Enabling him is what it has come down to.

You and your children deserve much better. He will not change unless HE decides to. You love him .. Yes ,but that does not excuse his treatment of you and the kids.

I would have him removed from the home. He can either go to rehab or he can continue down this hellish road with out you bailing him out.

Not everyone can be saved by having someone love them.