[Anika.]

You know the ones where you don't sleep. However not the ones where you don't sleep and get jiggy with it... cleaning or making somethin' spectacular out of your recycling bin. The ones where you just lay there tossing and turning too tired to get up and do anything, not sleepy enough to close your eyes.

I have tried everything I can think of. Cough flu meds, relaxation, breathing etc. Nothing is really helping. I am under an incredible amount of stress the last while. Insurance claims, injuries, kids, work, mom dx'd with cancer last weekish , $$$ issues etc etc etc.. it's rather not interesting. ... I am in a funk about it all, not my normal self.

I realize I have a box full of psych meds which would sedate a T-rex no doubt. And while it is a little tempting to take something outta that box.. it's not. I dunno. I just want to sleep and wake up and feel energized..like I actually slept. Psych meds don't really give me the vital life feelings upon awakening. And pretty certain most of that is expired. I feel like I am running off nothing lately. Benylin and the like is just making me feel movey and not sleepy just agitated. Movey..heh ya I need some sleep.

I need life to just be you know ..kind. I feel like it's always got something up it's sleeve. And while I can handle it probably..like I am not gonna drop dead, it would also be nice if life showed up in tank top sometimes instead.

I dunno if there is any real point, feeling frustrated, a bit sad, a bit tired, 3/4's annoyed at myself.

It really sucks not being able to sleep

[Revu2]

I'm up now, too, and feeling / dreaming about he top ten times I've felt inadequate. Geez. At a conference and somehow the comparisons got loose.

Can't get comfortable, the room / bed is too hot. Shift the covers, now I'm cold.

I'll be up for about 20 -40 minutes, I guess. Reassuring myself that all is not lost, and I have my own strengths, etc. Lotta work.

Originally Posted by Supanova

It really sucks not being able to sleep

i used to feel like that- it sucks not being able to sleep

but i'm kind of used to it now... i've lived with it for years

[Anika.]

Gish gash....gibbergerbaffit .... $#!@...4:30 am... what can you do at 4:30 am? My cable is broken cause they forced me in to some modern fast easy livin digital black box and it isn't workin... fancy that? no inframercials even.

Sorry you can't sleep either. I am used to it too, but I need to get some... I want to/have to/ need to be productive. I have these plans that I have to follow through on and they are turning to mush. I am pissed...yup I am, I am pissed off that this is this. I try to flow with it and accept that life is what is it, but I dunno now I am just pissed off. Not sure what at, but I have a suspect I think I am holding hostage.

Ugggh I dunno...Agitated Anika should probably go sit in a corner.

Revu, you do have your own strengths. Funny how when we focus on the top worst 10 we suddenly forget about the top 100 or so..you know? Hope you can get to sleep and count your top successes instead. You know you got em, it's def not all lost, not at all. Perspective is all, yes I just had a rant and am talking about perspective... I know.

I know what you mean, one freakin tiny wrinkle in the sheet and the mattress is gonna get it...flailing body parts all around. Hot cold, too noisey, too quiet toooo bedtimey!

[Anika.]

5:40....... ....tick...tick............BOOM!!

[dubblemonkey]

...well that's the psycho line-up...!

I feel irritated... and sad...and whatever else I can fit in.... install in my self degradation...

everything sucked into inside of me.. ..I am to blame not for the abundance of swarming crap!

..but for my inability to comprehend it

simply because I am conditioned for peace and comfort...!

...and yet these adversity horrors manifest with such disregard and pre-occupy...

I cannot disregard without getting involved... I am a victim of these diabolical features...

unless?!

..unless?!... I can separate for real....grasp the tiniest bit of myself in my heart and mind....

and even with the worst psycho eyesight I can squint and see far enough into the distance...

all the gloom self combusts and drops down the steep chasm of emptiness where it belongs

[venusss]

Maybe read some Russian novels to bore yourself to sleep?

[dubblemonkey]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

Maybe read some Russian novels to bore yourself to sleep?

one needs many days for Leo

to stay away as long as Tolstoy took to write and then to for us read?

...A comfy bed and a giant book

like a snooze coffin ...

wonderful stories though put you to literate death

[Anika.]

James, maybe I am to tired to understand, .... ya making fun of me ?

Venus, ha maybe... my bf always tells me to put star trek on cause I always fall asleep when he puts it on... but like.. I don't have any star trek just laying around. I have some novels here somewhere, old ones, probably not russian, worth a try.

[dubblemonkey]

Originally Posted by Anika.

James, maybe I am too tired to understand, .... ya making fun of me ?

Venus, ha maybe... my bf always tells me to put star trek on cause I always fall asleep when he puts it on... but like.. I don't have any star trek just laying around. I have some novels here somewhere, old ones bad english, worth a try.

...

never making fun of you Anika....

just riding the wave with you

[avlady]

I also have sleepless nights and it messes with my daytime routine, as i have to then sleep all day and up all night if i don't get it settled soon after a sleepless night. I take my meds which put me to sleep, clonazapine, but it makes me so depressed if i take it earlier than usual when i feel like i need it. Last night and a few nights ago i begged my husband to take me to the hospital for depression after taking my nightime meds, but i also warned him not not to take me if i took my meds earlier, the depression i sleep through.

[Anika.]

Sorry James I am not really sure what you meant. Sorry I got snippy, my bad. I am just not in a good place and .. it's no excuse. I am sorry.

Avlady, I'm sorry. Yeah the wasting of days really gets to me. I think I am bordering on depression. I don't know. I think it's mostly just issues dealing with at the moment. I hope you have more restful nights.

I think sleep is not the real issue and the real issue makes me so unglued that I don't want to think, feel, or deal with it. Not sleeping is just a side effect.

[catsrhelm]

Anika, it is not a sign of weakness to take a sleeping pill. I know because I take an occassional dose of Attarax. (I think I goofed up the spelling.) Also try Melatonin, because it helps regulate the sleep/wake cycle.

[Anika.]

Catsrhelm, thank you. I don't think it's a weakness. And honestly If I had some sleeping pills I just might take one. Mostly I have tons of antipsychotics, but I am not willing to take one for sleep because they make me feel down right awful and I swore I would never take them again. Melatonin makes me alert, it's a bit weird. I think the cough/flu meds make me a overly emotional. It was probably not a good idea to resort to those for me. I know that they mess me up a bit, but was feeling a little desperate.

[Trippin2.0]

Oh sis, I'm so sorry you were unable to sleep!
Really sorry to hear about your mom, I hope the prognosis is positive and that the dr's help her feel better soon.

You are under a gianormous amount of stress so its not surprizing that it's taking a toll on you.

I really was hoping life was giving you a break, so sorry to hear it kicked you in the teeth yet again. You have reason to be mad, frustrated, annoyed...

I hope you get some rest soon so that you have enough energy to don your warrior princess suit

I love you bunches sis, please don't hesitate to call on me if you need to

[Anika.]

Thanks Trippin.

Her biopsy came back from what they removed from the sole of her foot, quite a large sore, tumor thing. She has (nodular? ) melanoma, her dr said with very aggressive treatment they might be able to stop it. This will be her second go with cancer, and my sister and thank god my sisters scare this year turned out not to be cancer again.

Then I feel rather guilty for worrying more about my sister than my mom. Then I feel angry because if my mom dies our relationship status will be permanent. It's pretty darn scarred up. Then I feel selfish for feeling what I do...you can see the web I'm spinning here. So rather just not think about it and then even when I do sleep it invades my dream space as well. I really do not want to loose my mom at all, in any way.

Reminds me of when my dad dies and how our relationship became permantly never gonna happen. It's a little different with her. But ya I feel pretty selfish for that. I am upset to it's just ultra confusing.

Thanks sis, I will probably take you up on that offer. Hope you are ok. love you heaps of bunches

[Trippin2.0]

I'm quite alright thank you sis and the offer is an open one, just hit send

[~Christina]

I call that mess situational Insomnia and its a monster. I don't have a recipe for a cure right now .... But I do know that in the past if I just go ahead and let myself feel all the hell and maybe even break a few things it takes the edge off ... seems as thought I finally hit the floor and the tears have come and gone I can make a game plan and get to work. I am sorry life is throwing you crap from all directions right now..

Sending you love hugs and dragonflys

[Confusedinomicon]

If you have any anxiety add ginger to your diet. (Candied ginger, ginger kombucha, boiled ginger with lemon/cinnamon or honey...list goes on) It gets rid of the nausa associated with lack of sleep or anxiety.

I think this also means you need to have a heart-to-heart with your mom. It sounds like you want to express things to her and talking is a great way to do it. Then its our responsibility as an individual to cherish and be present with the individual. Its never too late to extend a hand.

I have a feeling that confronting the anxiety source will allow you to rest again. Finances and stuff can be dealt with when the time comes.

[BlueInanna]

Oh Anika So sorry to hear your going through so much. Prayers of healing to your mom, get that cancer out. There is still time for healing your relationship with her too, all is possible. I hope the kids are doing ok, they must be worried too.

I agree with Christina, this is situational insomnia, totally understandable for all the stress right now. When I get bad like that , I try to adjust work hours & take day naps while kids at school, because once they get home, there is no chance for rest. Just manage riding the wave best you can, be gentle with self.

I understand the mind spinning and guilty thoughts, but please let yourself off the hook, you are human, you just are going through so much - I don't want you to be hard on yourself. Like the Tao, sit in the middle, the eye of the storm of stress and emotions. Let it swirl around you, it is life & chaos will swirl always, and may it not engulf you, while you are at center.

Om White Tara, Mother of Kindness & Healing & Mercy

[venusss]

How are you today, Anika.? Feeling any better?

[Trippin2.0]

Yes pleas let us know how you are doing hon

[~Christina]

Hugs Hope your feeling better Sis

[Mental reward]

Girls gotta sleep! Antihistamines? You're not on any bi polar meds? Are you bipolar 1 or 2? If u don't mind me asking.. It's terrible having insomnia!! Life traumas really exasperate that.. I took care of my aunt who had cancer who was like a mother to me and didn't sleep for 5 months.... I feel for ya, so sorry to hear! Life tends to come all at once.. I know this was all horrifying for my state of mind... Also had broke up w bf of 8 yrs... It goes on and on... Some great suggestions for u on this thread! Hope something works if ur trying to stay med free ... Also, just curious have you ever been fully manic before?