[Victoria'smom]

I'm not going to be seeing pdoc for a month. I was relying on him to help me! I have no more aterax, the meds are going to stay the same for at least a month. Now I'm I'm having over the top anxiety. I can obviously take the AP but do I really want to gain 15lbs. just because I was 10 min. late and had an appointment 10 min later?

I'm tired, I need unmedicated sleep, but I know what to do. If I have to go in for this I'd feel really silly. I'm so confused right now.

[Anika.]

MM I was only ever hospitalized for being manic, and my pdoc suggested hospitalization for me many times when I was manic. Never for depression, I have had a much harder time while manic. Since we live in different countries I don't know if this is much use to you, tho I would think Canada and US are not that much different in this mannor. Inpatient should have different intake criteria for mania then it does for depression. Only makes sense. A person who is acutely manic may not feel like they are a danger, may not be a direct danger..like sui. But still poses a crisis that can end badly so it would seem they would evaluate your state of being and go from there.

If you cannot function because of mania, inpatient can and does happen. At least here. If psychosis is present then even more likely...wether or not you yourself know your psychosis is not a danger ( speaking for myself here) . I think they look at the whole picture. At least that is how it works here.

If you go inpatient for mania it's highly doubtful you will be getting an unmedicated sleep because that is usually the first step they take to try to bring the mania down. Get you sleeping with meds. From my experience only, that is how it has been handled.

In no way was my going in "silly". Inpatient circumstances are hardly ever silly, even if it is you who goes it would never be silly. I hope you can figure something out. I have been quiet but have been following, I really do think you need some extra more immediate help.

I dont know how the system works over there but here you can go impatient voluntarily. And from reading your posts that sounds like a nice safe place to be and get stable again.

[Victoria'smom]

this f****** sucks, my husband saw his pdoc and because I wasn't in there he forgot that I raised his Ad a while ago because we couldn't get ahold of any doctors. so she raised it to the exact same dose that his been taking for the past month and a half. and tells him that she will see him in 6 weeks. What the f*** He's been on the same damn/dose medicine he tried to commit suicide on last week. he f****** told her that he tried.

I go up to see if I can make an appointment at an earlier date is November 1st! so I ask if I was on the cancellation Iist. Even after asking 3 times, I was not on his cancellation list. I'm well enough to understand that im doing well, and that my meds arn't going to kill me. I don't want to get to the point then I'm paranoid, not eating,and just batshit crazy. My husband has already shown that you will not call anyone and even after I asked him when feeling better he says "he wouldn't do that to me because I'm paranoid" so I can't even trust him. I think if by Monday i haven't got a hold of pdoc I'll be calling my therapist for options. I can't trust he'll be alive when I get out.

[~Christina]

Sounds like your husband needs inpatient alot more than you do. Maybe if he is inpatient that will allow you to get rest and get your feet back under you .

Is waiting around til Monday really the safest option ? You both need help right now in my opinion.

Please stay safe

[Nobodyandnothing]

Does the pdoc have a nurse or someone you can talk to? My appointments are 4 or more months apart because the pdoc is so booked (shortage of pdocs here) but if I talk to the nurse she suggests something or talks to the pdoc and then the nurse calls me back.

[Victoria'smom]

its funny, I've been in the car since the appointment. just a b****, cry and figure out what to do. he has no idea that I am talking about this online. he came outside ask me to go IP. after trying to argue with him about his mental state and getting shut down with"its not about me this is about you" arguments over top of mine. I told him there were a lot of times I was much worse. He apologized and he waits until he's to afraid to say anything to my Therapist. That he has failed me and I need to go. He says that he will be home when I get out and that he is in a better spot now but I don't trust him. He wanted me to make a decision right now but I told him I can't do that. I'm going to call my T tomorrow and see what my options are. I worry that she'll think I'm in a much worse spot than I'm in. I really just need to get a hold of my pdoc.I know if I asked t she would make sure that I got in but I won't be let out with my ED.

Is there someone else who could stay with your husband while you go inpatient? I know I am pretty new to whats going on and dont know your whole situation.

[Anika.]

Why do ypu think you will not be let out with your ed? I was also dealing with anorexia when I was IP, yes they monitored what I ate, the place had cameras everywhere, yes they did discuss it with me and they did try to convince me to eat, but that is about that. I even fainted three times in the halls, which is probably a combo of ap's and not eating while having very low blood pressure. They still did let me out.

Also MM taking time to actually hear what they have to say about the ed is not a bad thing. You have a son that is going to need you around for a long time. And while getting to the point of actually wanting to recover can be very hard, staying in a relationship with an ed is even harder. It is much like an abusive relationship.

Can H's cousin stay with H and see that he is ok?

[Victoria'smom]

The problem is there is someone here and it's late when he gets those thoughts. My concern with him is he choose something that I never thought he would ever use and it was when I was on the AP so he didn't want to wake me.

Maybe the answer is you and your husband both go inpatient and your son stay with relatives or friends until you are stabilized. You just cant keep going the way you are, you are running yourself ragged trying to keep up with both of you. Its not right and its not fair for all of this to be your burden. Your mental health is just as important as his, you have a son to think of as well, who is watching both parents implode in front of him. Both of you need help, now. Thats my take on the situation.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by emomom

maybe the answer is you and your husband both go inpatient and your son stay with relatives or friends until you are stabilized. You just cant keep going the way you are, you are running yourself ragged trying to keep up with both of you. Its not right and its not fair for all of this to be your burden. Your mental health is just as important as his, you have a son to think of as well, who is watching both parents implode in front of him. Both of you need help, now. Thats my take on the situation.

yes. This. ^^

[A Red Panda]

I really think it's your H who needs to be inpatient MM. If there's only going ot be one of you at home, I'd guess that you're the better candidate. But since you know that inpatient is a good idea for you right now.. well... I definitely think it's a good idea for your H. You'll have difficulty feeling better while inpatient if you're spending all your time worrying that your H is going to hurt himself.

[Victoria'smom]

Update..... LONG

Last night (Thursday) we talked a lot. I think me punching the car and then bursting into tears made us both stop and realize things, just aren't good. Him asking me to go IP hit me out of the blue like a ton of bricks. Finding out my son's therapist wants me to attend next session because my son needs to talk to me but “doesn't feel safe”. The fact that it made me feel angry (almost moved towards violence), ambushed, and feeling I'll just make things worse so that he never opens up to me concerned both myself and husband as I am the one my son turns to for everything including puberty issues.

We Found out unless we are psychotic or impulsive enough that we harmed ourselves and go through the ER We are stable enough for our level of care. We called our Pdoc's (both offices), T's, and case worker. I left a message for T about the options I have other then IP, & PHP. No one called us back today. So he raised his AD and I raised my MS until we get a hold of someone. Our pdocs are generally okay with us ripping each other off medication when psychotic and changing meds until we get a hold of someone.

I let my husband read some of my posts trying to figure out when things went bad for both of us and my feelings about what's going on. We went through our rules and crisis plans and realized we are just not holding ourselves or each other to the standards that we normally do therefore neither of us our safe. We had already put in several plans if things went bad. We realized though we are voicing our concerned to our own therapist, we do not to each others therapist, or each other. As of late we seem to be actually hiding things We had a long talk about our concerns for each other, my irratic behavior and his intense sui feelings. So it seems I'm exploding he's imploding. We are both more concerned for the other more than ourselves. I also explained how violated I felt finding out he used 'my tools' to harm himself.

The fact that we were confused about putting are pre-made plans into action and we caught it early (for us) speaks volumes to how much better we were doing. We do need to sit down and figure out what is hypo-manic, manic, psychotic, basic line, depressed, psychotically depressed for each of us and when and what to do. Like I said my most recent posts were thought of as severe when we would label them as possibly hypo-manic or a bit depressed. We are planing on revising our crisis plans, the tools we put in place and all those things and making a little book out of it so we can refer to it whenever we get concerned for the other.

We are going to sit down and write a letter to my pdoc about my most recent behavior and med issues and deliver it Monday morning. So if he feels he needs to contact me for a sooner appointment he can. I'm okay with T not calling me back but our care options are something we definitely need to talk about. We need to get everything in place because 11 months from now we are moving to another state and it takes time getting into the mental health system.

I'm glad you and your husband are talking, but it still seems that BOTH of you are in very bad shape, apparently so bad that your son IS being affected by what he is being exposed to. It still sounds a bit like you are both minimizing how serious your symptoms are and thinking you are not so bad off and can handle this on your own, but the reality is that you both have sounded a bit "out of control" of yourselves lately. It still seems as if BOTH of you really need to be inpatient so you can be stabilized and be able to return home where neither of you is suicidal or explosive. It really doesn't seem like either of you are truly stable enough right now to be trying to fix yourself. Miguel needs his parents in as stable a state as possible. He may not be physically affected, but it sounds like he is being emotionally affected by what he is being exposed to. Kids have a sense for things when they aren't right and they aren't feeling safe. What needs to happen to make your entire family truly safe and healthy again?

[Victoria'smom]

I keep saying I'm well enough to understand I'm not well. There has been tons of new good progress this time. I'm not denying that my/my husband symptoms look severe on the outside. If I am down playing it, it's only because 'this' is extremely light for us. That also concerns us given the responses here (which I trust) as I truly did feel that this was light hypo-mania and he was 'just' an episode of dysthymia . My husband was also very surprised by the responses. I hope no one feels violated that I shared some responses with him. If you do please PM me so I don't share your reponses.

I understand this effects Miguel, all we can do for him is shield him as much as possible, give him our love, give him one stable adult in the house, get him as much support people as possible, and make sure we understand what parts are genetic and what are learned behaviors. I feel all parents cause their children issues but when raising him the best we can do is get him support and make sure he grows up as happy and healthy as possible.

What needs to happen to make your entire family truly safe and healthy again?

This is a very complex question and will need more thought but this is currently what I can think of.

I really think we need to get out of the house daily. Even if it's to walk the complex, currently because of our financial situation we are only leaving the house 2x a month. I need to fill my aterax that calms me but is not as sedating and numbing as AP and doesn't have a calorie value (in my head). We upped our meds while we continuing to try to contact our pdoc to assure that's what they want to do. I need sleep! I do think we are getting better. I need to get the boys back into karate. I need to spend the time they're in karate on art or an open college course. All of us need to start the mood /event /thought chart and daily therapy journal again. We need to write down all the things we usually do to keep each other safe so that it's concrete. I need to decide whether my SI kit can currently stay in our home or if it needs to be removed until a later date.

[A Red Panda]

For what it's worth... it's a-ok by me if you share my responses with your H. If other perspectives help him out, then that's great.

I think getting out of the house a bit is a great idea. Fresh air and walking around are good - gets your body in motion and is something rather monotaneous that helps clear your head. And it takes up some time that might otherwise be spent doing something less than productive And restarting up the daily logs also sounds like a great plan!

I've only got one question ... Do you and your husband know where each of you begin and the other ends?

If y'all've become so totally enmeshed in each other that you no longer have proper personal boundaries, then you are of absolutely no use to yourself, each other ... And, most importantly, your child.

No disrespect intended, it's just the impression I get.

From my own experience with that kind of dynamic and miasma within my own family of origin, I can honestly say that nothing good is ever going to come of it.

Sometimes the people, places & things we desire to hang on to the most end up being the very things that end up killing us.

And, if it ends up killing us, then what was the point of any of it in the first place?

[Victoria'smom]

Do you and your husband know where each of you begin and the other ends? I don't really understand this question. I'm not offended. If your asking if we are co-dependent we are not. As far as health care goes yes we are very much the other ones advocate when the other is not capable of doing so. We are around each other a lot but are usually doing our own things until dinner, we cook dinner together, eat and then back to our own things until bed unless it's art day. Then we're 'required' to spend the night at the table working on our own projects. I don't know if that was what you were asking. Sorry, if not explain please explain. Can I ask what made you think that?

Sometimes the people, places & things we desire to hang on to the most end up being the very things that end up killing us. And, if it ends up killing us, then what was the point of any of it in the first place?

Confused sorry, I think you may be implying that we should let each other self-destruct because it could be making ourselves worse? It's far easier for others to see when you're not yourself than it is for you to. I ('m starting) understand that currently it's 2 drowning people trying to save the other but it doesn't stop us from trying. Is that what you are saying?

What made me think of that was the desperation I do see in both of y'all trying to save yourselves ... I was hoping that neither of you had gotten so lost in the other's issues that you couldn't see your own.

I think you've answered that for me ... You seem to be quite aware of yourself and where you are with your stuff - that you haven't totally pushed it aside and gotten lost in your husband's stuff to the disregard of your own - and that's a good thing.

I like your analogy of two people drowning yet still trying to save each other ... And no, I'm not implying y'all should just let the other self-destruct ... Just make sure you both don't go under at the same time, because, then where would Miguel be?

When my family's ship was going down, the best thing I ever did was let go of them and focus on "saving" myself. This in turn freed them up so they could also focus on "saving" themselves.

The optimum outcome would be that all are saved and none are lost ... Unfortunately that isn't always the case ... However, it would be better for one to survive than for all to perish.

Does that make any sense at all?

Do keep trying ... But, it might be time to try something different because the current rescue attempt doesn't seem to be working out too well.

Sometimes we can be so close to (and lost in) what isn't working that we simply can't see what other options are available to us - and in those options will be the very thing that does work!

Keeping y'all in my thoughts & prayers ...

[Victoria'smom]

I really don't know what else to do but try to hang on. Are team seems to be failing currently but at the same time my husband wanted me to think about IP weeks ago but didn't bring it up with either therapist. If I would have known that he tried another method of sui then my answer would have been different when my T asked "if I thought he'd make it through the next 2 weeks". So I am mad at him for that especially when I went in not understanding English and my T was very concerned. I know T would have thrown me IP if he didn't assure T that he was well enough to make sure I'd be okay until my pdoc appointment. It would have also been nice to know that Miguel didn't feel safe talking to me before my appointment instead of hours after. Then I 'missed' my pdoc appointment as I was 10 min late and had a T appointment 10 min. from then even though I was going to be on campus. If it wasn't a new receptionist that would not have happened. I'm considered walk-in clients, meaning if I walk in and ask to see pdoc I may have to wait but he does see me and go into 'crisis mode'. I may do that on Monday but I really don't like doing that but maybe it's time.

Usually we are to wrapped up in our own issues to see the others issues. So at times I'm sure it's like pulling teeth for our T's to find out where each of us are mood wise. Which may have been the issue this time too.

When my family's ship was going down, the best thing I ever did was let go of them and focus on "saving" myself. This in turn freed them up so they could also focus on "saving" themselves. I had to do this with my family too. They didn't save themselves resulting in me being the most stable one and constant financial and legal troubles for them.

However, it would be better for one to survive than for all to perish. I know but that sucks.

[choocha]

Hi. Can you both not go IP at the same time? If you have kids, can they not stay with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins etc for a short while?
Sounds like you both need pretty intensive help right now. Why is your pdoc unavailable? Is there not an emergency, fill-in pdoc that you can go to? Surely your pdoc has a contingency plan in place for people such as yourself in crisis situations. Ask/tell his receptionist. She may be able to suggest something.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you both not go IP at the same time? At this time neither of us qualify for IP. As our actions at this time will/would be impulsive. I'm suppose to stay on AP for the next month. Instead I raised my lamictal and refilling my aterax.

DH was suppose to raise his AD 10 mg but I already did that a while ago because he wasn't really responding except to remind me he wanted to be violent. He forgot to tell his pdoc I raised it. So we're going to raise it another 10 mg. His pdoc is trying to induce a slight hypo-mania. So hopefully when he drops back down when we first notice it that his baseline will be higher.

I go to a clinic, their receptionists suck and so does their system but that's more due to privacy. The receptionist do not have pdoc's extension or a way to get a hold of them and my pdoc doesn't have an extension because he works in 3 different clinics a week. I have no idea why my husbands pdoc doesn't have an extension. If there's an emergency we are suppose to go to the crisis center but we don't qualify for that. I've left mail for him before and he called that day. I was delusional at the time and he called within the hour. This is why I go monthly but because the receptionists sucks being 10 min late they rescheduled me for next month. Hopefully the meds kick in soon.