Didn't go to bed til 5am, listened to some songs on my ipod before sleep and cried a little. I hate having my feelings hurt. But I'm doing better this evening, just quiet. Not tearful. So that's good.

Pretty frenetic today. Not much sleep recently. Moving pretty fast, all over the place and jumping from bit of chore to bit of chore to bit of chore. Apparently talking pretty fast and much too. BF had to tell me something and I kept jumping in to finish sentences and he had to tell me to be quiet like a little kid at story time. Lol. It was SO HARD!!! "No jumping in, no commenting on other drivers, no this, no that." Blah blah blah. I jokingly bit my tongue a few times, and when I was getting really antsy, it seriously went through my mind to start talking in sign language(!) I only know letters, and he doesn't even know it, so I would've just been moving my hand like crazy for no reason other than to be able to *talk*, hahaha. Then it occurred how funny that would be and had to laugh a little. Which I'm sure made no sense. I don't even know what he was saying at that point. Ooops. Ok. Well, I've got a lot of stuff to get on (which is the on-going saga of why the lack of sleep), so I better get going, but I will try to get some reasonable sleep. Tomorrow, tonight too busy.


Editing to add…. ok, but wouldn't it be funny though? Driving. Stick shift. Blabbing with hand. Ooooh, time to shift! What would shifting be? Like… punctuation?? Or would it just be the pause of shutting up? Or paragraph indicator? Wait. That would be a turn signal. I couldn't stop thinking about this while washing dishes and had to turn the computer back on. (Just to tell you, 'cause I'm sure you all couldn't stop thinking about it either. Totally joking there.) But I also need to look up something at the library, so there's my excuse.

[charo224488]

Worked a long day today and then stopped at the grocery store and my gp walks in and sees me right away. So uncomfortable grocery shopping with your gp there, making comments about what's in the basket and running into me every other aisle. So manic that by the end I was literally running through the store, trying to finish as fast as possible, feeling like I was watching it all on a movie screen. Now I'm paranoid that someone is always watching me- wonderful. Can't even shop in peace! Ok, it was kind of nice seeing him in real life and him talking to me like I wasn't some crazy person. I have no idea what I am thinking- I'm all over the place today! Trying to calm down enough to sleep more than 3 hours tonight.

[WrongEverything]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Pretty frenetic today. Not much sleep recently. Moving pretty fast, all over the place and jumping from bit of chore to bit of chore to bit of chore. Apparently talking pretty fast and much too. BF had to tell me something and I kept jumping in to finish sentences and he had to tell me to be quiet like a little kid at story time. Lol. It was SO HARD!!! "No jumping in, no commenting on other drivers, no this, no that." Blah blah blah. I jokingly bit my tongue a few times, and when I was getting really antsy, it seriously went through my mind to start talking in sign language(!) I only know letters, and he doesn't even know it, so I would've just been moving my hand like crazy for no reason other than to be able to *talk*, hahaha. Then it occurred how funny that would be and had to laugh a little. Which I'm sure made no sense. I don't even know what he was saying at that point. Ooops. Ok. Well, I've got a lot of stuff to get on (which is the on-going saga of why the lack of sleep), so I better get going, but I will try to get some reasonable sleep. Tomorrow, tonight too busy.


Editing to add…. ok, but wouldn't it be funny though? Driving. Stick shift. Blabbing with hand. Ooooh, time to shift! What would shifting be? Like… punctuation?? Or would it just be the pause of shutting up? Or paragraph indicator? Wait. That would be a turn signal. I couldn't stop thinking about this while washing dishes and had to turn the computer back on. (Just to tell you, 'cause I'm sure you all couldn't stop thinking about it either. Totally joking there.) But I also need to look up something at the library, so there's my excuse.

SLOW DOWN haha good luck i hope you level out soon.

[WrongEverything]

I think i need to quit smoking weed. Maybe that's why i'm depressed. I just feel so numb. I'm a heavy smoker so its possible. Something to think about.

So my bipolar? depressed. suicidal but i don't care enough to even go kill myself. So i sit here and smoke weed and listen to music. With the occasional raid on World of Warcraft.

Each day in here is getting worse than the last. Today woke up at a 1/10. After dexamphetamine and zyprexa it was a 2/10... so I got through most of group. I wonder how I will wake up tomorrow. I dont know how much lower I can get.

My partner said he needed a "break" from me today. I expected he'd get sick of me soon. He has visited me only twice in a week and a half in hospital. He confirmed all my reasoning for suicide today when he said I was upsetting people. I am a burden to them all and should end it so I no longer cause them stress. He's still got my car and being a **** about giving it back so I guess thats just another thing to stress me out. Screw it, he can keep it. Im not intending on needing it again anyway.

Depression is still severe. Am supposed to be possibly starting a job on Monday but not sure if I have the wherewithal to do it. I am miserable.

[Notnrml85]

Husbands on vacation but somehow there's still a coworker outside talking work with him for too long now.
Still mixed but a little more up and irritable than usual. Took some klonopin so I should feel less anxious than yesterday.

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[tigersassy]

Didn't do what I wanted to do today. I called into work because I was exhausted this morning. It was supposed to be a mental health day which for me means going hiking in the woods. But we didn't we did laundry. Don't want to be on meds because I'm doing fantastic, but my team won't let me off.

Tig

[swheaton]

Not depressed, but just super annoyed. I want to slap someone...myself.

Don't you hate when you go to think back on your day and draw a complete blank for several minutes?(!) Ok, got it back now.

Went to bed 5:30 am yesterday and had to employ pharmacological assistance at that. Slept for a few hours. Got up no problem (not typical), but not Tigger tiger. Got a haircut, felt a bit overly self-assured (Like thinking what a bunch of freakin' haircut wimps people are. Also, joking,"Keep going, there's still hair on my head, haha!") Ran a couple errands, only flipped off and yelled at one driver. Made a few phone calls no problem (usually rather phone phobic). Caught myself talking to myself in a store. Made a joke in grocery checkout, which involved immediate bouncing off someone's random sentence, picking my stuff back up off the belt, leaving line, and carrying it off. The timing was great.

Definitely mellower than yesterday (freight train), but still a bit higher than my usual. Have to do an un-fun chore now. Guess we'll get a true read on irritability level soon. Haha.

( Supanova -- I'd visit you! Though I realize I'd have to promise to not be too obnoxious… Hope you get a chuckle or little smile somewhere amongst these ramblings... )

Depression has lifted just slightly today, its not mindnumbing lowness, just lowness. Still very suicidal. No glass or plastic bags in my room, they tried to take the laptop off me but I said no, plus the cords are too short to do anything with.

Saw pdoc today, says theres not much more this hospital can offer me in terms of treatment that I havent already tried. Its just a "safe" place at the moment. Going to see T/Pdoc tomorrow. I hope I actually get something out of this session and not have another whole session I walk out of thinking it is a complete and utter waste of time, money and energy. I think I will write her a letter telling her that in the morning. Im not going to bother with group since I will have to leave half and hour in anyway. Apparently Im on the urgent list for one on one therapy with one of the therapists in the hospital but they are so slow i dont know when that will happen.

Just wish they'd let me go. It be best for everyone. I dont know how they cant see that!

Another day of depression and fear. I feel like my depression is becoming more immobilizing as time wears on. I'm trying to tell myself I just have to make it through today. That hospital stint did little good - - I'm just as non-functioning. The only difference is I'm not considering ending my life anymore (not even sure if that's a good thing).

[Phoenix_1]

I finally got approved for CPP (federal) disability. It only took 5 years. It'll top up the disability I get from the province. I won't get any more money in the end but it's nice to get it after 5 years of trying.

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[TheatreKid]

The only thing I was even remotely looking forward to was cancelled this morning, and now my entire plans for the next year won't happen. What is the point?

[Curiosity77]

Got a needle stick today while drawing blood from a patient who is an IV drug user. I have to take antiretroviral meds for at least 5 days, maybe 28 days, to prevent HIV. The meds will make me pretty sick. There's nothing to prevent Hepatitis C. The patient had negative tests done in Jan, so probably OK, but still scary and I'm not looking forward to being sick. I'll need bloodwork every 6 weeks for the next 9 months to make sure I stay negative.

I'm home now, and taking tomorrow off too. I took the first dose of meds, so I'll have to see what happens to me. I was crying before, now I'm just really tired.

[Notnrml85]

It's my birthday and I didn't sleep last night or the night before. So I fell asleep, today, on my birthday at 6 am and I woke up at 1pm, a few minutes ago. I don't want to be around anyone I just want to leave my house alone and go see a movie and eat dinner tonight alone. Not gonna happen. My daughter has a softball game tonight right at dinner time and I have no money to go eat dinner out anyway. F today. F birthdays. And f people trying to spend time with me or talk to me today.

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[swheaton]

Light headed, dizzy and just plain bored. Freaking meds.

[Hopeful Camel]

Was happy, happy all day. Then about 10 minutes ago I was an airplane crashing straight down into the ground. I'm here now. Flat out and broken. I see my PNP tomorrow, and he is supposed to play with my meds some more. My mind is 5000 thoughts in a centrifuge. Sometimes.... Well you all know how it is.

[Cherry73]

I just can't stand all this anymore. It's too damn overwhelming especially not being able to do anything about it. Here I am trying to keep myself together and trying to help my son. They have narrowed it down to rapid cycling bipolar disorder or high functioning autism and he is only 4 years old. My poor guy has these episodes and does these horrible things and then comes to me an apologizes saying he is so sorry and he doesn't know why he does these things. I feel horrible because I can't help him and he feels horrible. We are two months into a six month evaluation by Kennedy Kreiger and I just can't wait for this to be over soon enough so maybe I could get him the right help.

[Phoenix_1]

I woke up with a migraine this morning. I phoned my pharmacist and she said I couldn't take my migraine medicine because it would interact with my psych meds and cause serotonin syndrome. S***. I spent the day in bed in the dark. The migraine is gone now so maybe I can get some sleep tonight. I haven't had a migraine for a year. Why now?

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[LadyShadow]

Feeling alright, disappointed I didn't exercise today

[Hopeful Camel]

Been up since 2:55am. Productive. In physical pain, probably from stress. Going to see the psych nurse practitioner today to tinker with the med cocktail. I wish we could find something. This seems to be a never ending process. I'm still on the roller-coaster, rapidly moving through life. Sending out good energy to all on this list.

Have an interview for a temp job in about an hour. Scared to death. Still not even sure I could get up and do the job even if offered it, with this severe depression. Why does life have to be so hard?

[Hbomb0903]

I called my boss today and told her the reason why I've been so unreliable and performing so poorly lately is because of bipolar. She was suprisingly sympathetic and told me to please keep her informed and that I wouldn't lose my job. I was so grateful that she understood.

I am thinking about going inpatient for a while. I just don't know what I'm going to do about maintaining my household while I'm gone. I live alone and have animals. With insurance do they expect you to pay the deductible up front? I can't afford to pay my bills, much less pay for this. I feel stuck, and have for months now. It's just getting worse and worse, because before I was just down about it, now I feel paralyzed.

Vacuumed the house and took a shower today. That's positive!