[Notnrml85]

I'm really angry, yeah let's go with anger. That's a lot easier than what's really there.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[swheaton]

Not sure how I feel.

[Unrigged64072835]

Finally was able to cook a meal after weeks of being too tired to. Maybe I'm finally getting back to better, or it's just that we're broke.

[Standup2me]

Phoenix !
I am sending you good karma, and peace

[Roblovescats]

Group Hug!!! Just catching up on everything ... Looks like a lot of hurting out there ... Hugs are free today. Get em while they're warm and fuzzy!!!

Sent from the dark side of the moon

I seem alright today so far. I feel awake which is nice. I have a bit to do today, but Im not putting too much pressure on myself. My main aim is to go to lunch with my friend and at least go and see my horse and give her a carrot. If I get those two things done I will class this as a successful day.

I have more to do but everything else is just extras. I have to be aware not to get caught up on the extras and achieve my goals. I have a heap of craft I started yesterday that I need to keep going on. I am not so much enjoying it, but it passes the time, my pdoc says its behavioural activation, eventually I will start to enjoy things again but I need to keep doing them regardless of my feelings.

So far so good...

[updown]

Hanging in there. Stressed about money and finding work.

[PoorPrincess]

Mind won't stop, but not racing thoughts.
All rational thoughts from real life.
My sleep has worsened; I used to get to sleep okay, 8pm or so; yet awaken about 4 hours later. Now I am unable to get to sleep, feel wretched.

I get up at dark:30 a.m. I cannot stay in bed or get back to sleep.

I am unable to watch tv, movies, or to read books. Sigh. Grrrrrr.
I cannot cry, even when I want to because it would be good to do so.

I do feel very tightly, tensely wound in tension, anxiety, worry, fear and dread.
I am not out in the world, so there are no behavior issues going on.

So if this is a mixed state, I just don't get what this is, what is depression, what is hypomanic? I don't connect with the bipolar dx.

[Curiosity77]

Went to the gym today... So i'm sticking to my exercise goals. Not doing as well with the healthy eating though. But i'm still proud of myself for starting to get active again.

I over shared a little with a coworker at lunch today. She is always talking about her kids, every detail and showing pictures etc. it's hard to be around that, but she is oblivious to that. We were talking about kids. and i was talking about how i don't know if it will happen for me, and she was trying to convince me that having a baby on my own is a good idea. I want a baby, but i don't think i can handle it on my own. I said that, and she kept saying it would be fine and it's so worth it, blah, blah, blah. People have no idea how hard it would be for me. Maybe i'm too selfish to be a parent, it's hard to say. I want to be a better person than i am, but i don't know how.

I want to try to adopt, ideally a young child but not an infant. I'm terrified of what pregnancy could do to my stability, so if i didn't have to go through that it would be best. But i'm 99% sure i wouldn't pass the mental health screening to adopt.

I feel like i am missing out on this huge aspect of life having no kids. I'm doing stuff now at 37 that i should have done in my 20s because i wasted so much time being unwell. I'm like a decade behind where i should be... I look really young, so everyone i meet assumes i'm a lot younger, but my body is 37, so time is running out.

I could just get my iud removed, and be reckless, and leave things up to fate.

Having a baby would make me want to stay stable and want to take care of myself. I don't have much motivation to stay healthy as things are currently, so i'm considering risky experiments like stopping meds and taking psychadelics. I'm very compliant with meds etc now, but i'm not planning to stay this way forever. I would be willing to stay compliant forever if i was a parent, but when it's just me stability seems like too big of a sacrifice.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Cherry73]

I am feeling angry, overwhelmed, and extremely frustrated. Seems like no matter what I do things are not getting better and even seem to be getting worse in some aspects especially in reference to the children. Pediatrician decided to help make the medication changes my son so desperately needs. I need to get him stable on the right meds and his behaviors and behavior plan in place before he starts going to kindergarten and is there all day long. He only goes to pre k for 2.5 hours a day and he is having a hard time with that. My daughters ODD is rearing its ugly head again and I don't know why after all this time. It just seems to be too much to handle and sometimes I just don't want to have to handle it anymore.

Originally Posted by swheaton

Not sure how I feel.

Hear ya. Yesterday was…. well, without going into the whole thing…. stressful. And way too much serious medical scenery. (BF's ordeals, not mine. Mine were of the mental variety (but not involving being a patient) for the latter part of the day till getting home from the ER at 2 am.) Followed by 3 1/2 hours of sleep till an exasperating mind**** before 6:30, and off to work!

Had some trouble focusing. Yeah. Would it be bursting into tears? Numbness? Existential exasperation? Just walking out of work for no particular reason and just wander directionless till I drop because I don't know where to go or what to do? Out of my depth. No question mark with that. The hospital floats across my mind. But why? I'm doing pretty well. Aren't I? Considering? I don't know. I just have no idea what I'm supposed to do. The thought of talking makes me paranoid. Feeling like a goldfish again. (In a pond of piranhas. For those unfamiliar with my mental landscape. The dominoes. Is the blender on or off? I.don't.know. Just keep it away from the water, right? Isn't that what it says in the manual? I don't know, because I was too busy trying to figure out wtf happened for them to have to tell everyone: Do not operate while sleeping.

Going to sleep early, that's for sure. Once I can snap out of this trance. The thought exhausts me.

Originally Posted by PoorPrincess

Mind won't stop, but not racing thoughts.
All rational thoughts from real life.
My sleep has worsened; I used to get to sleep okay, 8pm or so; yet awaken about 4 hours later. Now I am unable to get to sleep, feel wretched.

I get up at dark:30 a.m. I cannot stay in bed or get back to sleep.

I am unable to watch tv, movies, or to read books. Sigh. Grrrrrr.
I cannot cry, even when I want to because it would be good to do so.

I do feel very tightly, tensely wound in tension, anxiety, worry, fear and dread.
I am not out in the world, so there are no behavior issues going on.

So if this is a mixed state, I just don't get what this is, what is depression, what is hypomanic? I don't connect with the bipolar dx.

Sounds like run of the mill anxiety.

Today I am tired. I did more craft, volunteer work and went to lunch with a friend. Next challenge is dinner. Im so forgetful, my brain is not working well, I had to take ativan last night to help sleep, I think it was just a hard night cos it was my first night truly on my own.

I got a call from the hospital today, Im going to have to appeal the bill as they didnt give me clonazepam to take home but still will be charging me for it, I dont have money to throw away on medication. Last admission I was allowed to take the bottle home. I will need to talk to my doctor about that as he didnt put it on my discharge form but should have.

Interestingly he had me admitted for Mixed Bipolar Affective type 2... With depression, OCD and generalized anxiety as additional diagnosis. I guess Mixed is the best way to describe the PMDD cycles. I didnt even get discharge forms last time when I discharged myself - and I got to take ALL of my medication. Hospital is such a hassle. Its really screwed me up for being back home. But the freedom is nice.

Just a few more hours to get through until I see my boyfriend. Im so exhausted but need to do a new coping skills poster up, do my budget and write lists of what I need to ask of people. I paid my rent today so hopefully I am no longer behind in that. Im doing as well as can be expected really.

[FaithlessCat]

Fed up tired and tearful. Tomorrow ( pdoc appointment ) can't come quick enough. No weight loss this week ( yes i know it's ridiculous to be worrying about losing weight while my head is in this state ) i know that i do ... but i can't help it and I'm so fed up. I count calories i can't relax ffs out of sheer fear that sitting still will make me gain weight and it is. It's so unfair i work so hard walk 10k a day. And still I've gained weight.

I feel like such a failure.
I'm a crap mom right now. My husband had got up and got our son off to school the last two days. And when he comes home from school he is faced with a mum who has red eyes from crying . Is tired and can't remember to do the simplest things for him without the poor child having to remind over and over.

I'm so over whelmed by the amount of stuff that needs doing in the house. And all i want to do is sit and relax and do something for myself but i can't do that because do much other stuff needs doing.
How am i managing to spend my days not doing anything that needs to be done and yet not relaxing either ? I mean that really is crazy

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[tigersassy]

Shouldn't have come into work today. I'm thinking inappropriate thoughts and things that I want to say to my boss that will get me fired so biting my tongue its a must.

Tig

dark depression again; T appointment this morning. Doubt it will help, but I keep doing it anyway

[beautifulme]

doing well. Struggling with not feeling good enough at work.

[Standup2me]

Tiger, today I feel like smashing my boss over the head with a 2x4.
Most of the time I can put up with the bulls***, but today
Don't have it in me

Sitting in a hospital room in Florida watching my mom sleep. I feel overwhelmed I need to stay for at least three weeks to help her in her recovery. I want to go home to Virginia. I'm glad my brain isn't too frazzled, I'm mostly ok. It will be ok.

[swheaton]

Minor anxiety attack today at work. It's a good thing it was lunch time when it happened. I'm sure it's work stress, but it came out of the blue. I'm feeling much better now. I guess it's a good thing I have a Doc's appt tomorrow.

[Jennibella]

I am going too fast, speeding up just a little too much, I can feel it. This is when I have to force myself to slow down, it's now or mania.

[beautifulme]

I came home from work and felt like I really suck at my job. I really feel that I am not good enough. Besides that I had a good afternoon with my husband and my son. My husband bought me flowers for no reason and I took my son to a doctor appointment and had a coffee out with him.

[Roblovescats]

Crappy day.

Story of our lives right?

Sent from the dark side of the moon

[r010159]

I have been keyed up, restless, and unable to sleep. I have not felt tired at bedtime. Last night I slept an entire ONE HOUR. In the morning I napped for 2 hours. Life is wonderful!

Rough morning. Barely managed to eventually get out of bed. Cried and cried getting ready and all the way in to work (late, of course). Couldn't focus. Haven't done anything but computer since getting home. Have to take care of my pet, but other than that, going to just go to bed. No work tomorrow, so will probably just stay there. Eff it.

[Curiosity77]

Saw my pdoc today and i asked to stop the saphris. She said i need to be on an AP pretty much forever, so if not saphris i'll have to pick another. I don't see any point in changing because saphris is fine, i want off all of them not a switch to another one. She gave me the typical "if it were diabetes would you want to stop your meds" talk, which i understand but i also find highly annoying and oversimplified. So i said if it were diabetes i could try lifestyle management to bring down the glucose, the treatment is not always insulin. I said that i think it was a series of very stressful events that triggered my major episodes, and as long as i keep my stress level low i should be fine. So she said that there are always stresses in life and bad stuff happens unpredictably, but that my reactions to things are too extreme when off meds. She said that most people don't require hospitalization to cope with stress. She told me i need to have more acceptance and stop being so hard on myself. She said i will always have a vulnerable brain, and the combo of lacmictal, wellbutrin, and an AP is probably permanent. She said if i don't like saphris we can try latuda.

Anyways, it wasn't what i wanted to hear. I don't like to think of my brain as vulnerable. I think my brain is pretty strong and resilient to have bounced back from some pretty extreme states and still br functioning pretty well. I don't likd being told i am sick. She said accept the chronic condition, but don't let it define me.

I guess part of me hasn't accepted it yet. I have a really hard time distinguishing the libe between my regular life experiences and illness. It's so blurry. I don't want to medicate my life away, but i don't want to be hospitalized or get sick enough to require other people to take care of me.

How do i get to acceptance? How do i lower my expectations for myself and what is possible for my life?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk