As most of you know my story, I've decided to share this post in this forum rather than elsewhere. Sorry for the long post, I need to get it out somewhere.

Im set for discharge this weekend, I dont have an exact date but my pdoc mentioned this weekend, and the nurses are all asking me if I am excited. Well no. Im not excited. I am terrified.

For now I am stable (although low) and safe and can be at home. But I have no idea when the next hormonal mood change will happen. The easiest way to describe it, is that it is similar to a mixed episode with physical symptoms and extra suicidal and SH thoughts thrown in, for fun.

I am terrified I will go through with it next time. Last time I was within minutes, metres of ending my life. It was only because my neighbour saw me in the window and beckoned me over that I went there and told her what I was planning on doing. She of course took me to the hospital and some of you might have been following my other meds merry go round thread to get the story from there.

I do think I need to go home this weekend. But I am just so so scared of what I might do next time I am in that state. I will not want to repeat this hospital experience, so I will not be going for help. I know this as I know myself when the hormones kick in like that.

I am so far from suicidal right now, Im terrified of the thought of killing myself. I do not want to do it to my family or my partner and friends. It would devastate them. But I know how I get those few days before my period. I know how unreasonable and irrational I am, and how appealing suicide is to me.

I dont know what to do. I have a crisis plan but next time I am in that state I doubt I will follow it. The thoughts will be "why should I have to suffer through this again" as they were last month... It'll be easier for my partner to drug me now as I have the zyprexa wafers. I get antimeds during that time and tend to refuse my PRN but at least with a wafer he can get it in my mouth without much fuss if it comes to that.

Thats all I've been given as far as help from the hospital staff... drug myself stupid until I get my period and return to normal. But lately after each period, the depression sticks round for another week or so. In that state I am not a danger but I am very depressive and do not care for myself properly, fall into a bit of a rut etc and have to fight my way out of it. I am getting tired.

Im starting to get back pain now, which signals the start of the hormonal change, in about 4 days I can expect the mood changes, if this back pain is really caused by hormones. Im so anxious about all this, that the pain is quite possibly psychosomatic. But I cant tell the difference, the pain feels the same to me. I cant tell when the hormones will go nuts as my body has not adjusted to the mirena yet.

Does anyone have any advice? Words of comfort? Support?

[Hbomb0903]

You need a routine. I am in a state right now and its because I'm unemployed (due to crushing anxiety and alienation at work and general hopelessness) and floating around with nothing to do is bad. Idle hands, right?

Exercise to tire yourself out and to bring good hormones into your body. Support groups? Are there any in your area? I know its hard, but you have had stability and been okay before?

I am about to go in the hospital to try to get stabilized and I don't know why I'm even really doing it. I just feel like a blank, if that makes sense. Like what is the point I feel nothing at all. I'm scared too and my heart goes out to you.

Yes I have a very good home routine. And I exercise (less in hospital but I have been going for long walks 3 times a week). At home I have access to the exercise bike and have a whole lot of ourdoor work for the horses to do. Exercise has never ever made me feel good, but I do it because I know its good for me. Usually after exercise my mood drops.

I go to a community mental health support group every week. I see a pdoc every week, meds pdoc one week, psychodynamic therapy the other.

I have plenty of activities to do once I am at home, and I am very good at using coping strategies. My pdocs and nurses say I am as prepared as anyone they have ever seen and I am doing all the right things.

I had all of this before and still ended up in here. There is nothing new or different this time round (besides having zyprexa, I only had seroquel before). I dont know how I am going to keep myself safe next time when I was so so close to doing it last time. This is what terrifies me. I know Im going to get hormonal again, I am as prepared as I can possibly be, but I'll have no idea when it will hit, how bad it will be or what I might do...

[avlady]

i understand you completely about your period, i sufferred for years with symptoms of anger and depression especially. suicide was a once a month thought, depression soo bad i had to finally get a thermal ablation where my insides were thermally burned out so i don't get periods anymore. i got it done when i was 50 i am 53 now and i thank God for helping me get to a doctor that suggessted it. i would have got it done earlier if i knew it existed. i am going through menopause but its not as bad.

[Lobster Hands]

I'm a guy so I can't relate to all the stuff, but I can relate to feeling like "I was so close this time, what will stop me next time?". I've gotten that feeling the past twice times I've been sui. I hope you feel better supa, we would sure miss you around here if you ever did something like that.

Sent from my Nexus S 4G using Tapatalk

[Atypical_Disaster]

I know what you mean about your womanly cycles, it tends to make matters worse for me too. It sounds like you're doing all the right things to me as well. Just remember to try to take that Zyprexa if things start getting messy, it's there to help you. It can be a very effective med if you actually decide to use it. I hope things work out better for you this time around.

[Confusedinomicon]

Are you diagnosed with PMDD by any chance?

If you think it's related to your period/hormones, seeing a gyno could be important. I would maybe see them in the middle of the episode??

Yes Im daignosed with PMDD. I have seen a gyno and hormone specialists and that is how I ended up with the mirena. The mirena is supposed to fix all my issues but they warned me it "could" be worse for the first 6 - 8 months. And yep, it is worse so far. I need to remind myself that its just a few more months until its supposed to kick into gear and start working, but in that state I just feel I shouldnt have to be made to struggle through life any longer. I need to take the PRN meds and stay safe (ie be supervised and locked in a safe area). I just hope they work quick enough before I do myself serious damage. Its impossible to make my living area completely safe, when Im like that, anything is a risk to me.

I've just accepted what ever happens next cycle, happens. I will not go for professional help again. I have told the doctors that. The last 2 weeks of this stay has been more detrimental than helpful to me. I could teach the groups I have done them so much and have that much knowledge of depression and how to cope with it. No one can help me with the hormone side of things. So I am just accepting what will be will be. If I happen to end it, then so be it. I tried to get help but no one can do anything. I feel calm now I have accepted that. And I cant wait to get out of this **** hole.

I've already filled out my discharge papers, but left less than positive feedback for them, so I bet I will get hell from the nurses for the next two nights until I can finally get someone to pick me up (cost over $100 to get home by taxi so that option is out). Im ready to get home and back into my own comfort zone.

Getting more and more tired everyday, sick of struggling through, recovering from one severe PMDD episode just to have another. The last two were less than 9 days apart. I know I need to remind myself it'll be fine by august. Then its just Bipolar to worry about... My quality of life is low and that takes me down the slippery slope to suicide.

[outlaw sammy]

Damn! I would just love to share with all of you "Advanced Bipolar Survival" by the Outlaw Sammy Allen. My heart goes out to all those who are new to this illness or who have been recently diagnosed. IT'S A REALLY, REALLY A TOUGH DISABILITY! But with fierce determination, working closely with your mental health professionals, and relying upon your support group (that could be your membership here on this site) - you can and will survive. And even though the overseers discourage us from saying so - I say that staying close to Our Creator can and will give us the courage to prevail and eventually flourish.

Im sad today. Sad of whats to come, when I accept it I am just calm. But today I am sad, sad for my family and friends. I want to warn them so they have a chance to distance themselves but I dont want to worry them, nor give them the opportunity to get the mental health act on to me.

I feel like SH, Im not sure why. Maybe some relief from this sadness and worry? Punishment for what I have and am about to put my support network through? Something to take the pain of the mirena away for just a few seconds perhaps?

Im supposed to go out with friends today. It should be a "fun" day but if Im going to be obsessing over SH, sadness and this incredible tiredness that has overcome me the last few days then I dont know if there is much point. It would be good to have one last "good" weekend though. Have some photos where they think I am happy.

[r010159]

Originally Posted by Supanova

Im sad today. Sad of whats to come, when I accept it I am just calm. But today I am sad, sad for my family and friends. I want to warn them so they have a chance to distance themselves but I dont want to worry them, nor give them the opportunity to get the mental health act on to me.

I feel like SH, Im not sure why. Maybe some relief from this sadness and worry? Punishment for what I have and am about to put my support network through? Something to take the pain of the mirena away for just a few seconds perhaps?

Im supposed to go out with friends today. It should be a "fun" day but if Im going to be obsessing over SH, sadness and this incredible tiredness that has overcome me the last few days then I dont know if there is much point. It would be good to have one last "good" weekend though. Have some photos where they think I am happy.

There is no reason to "warn" them. I would go to group functions with them. This can work out better for you right now. They can enjoy themselves without them feeling responsible for you, and you being responsible for their enjoyment. Also, if their is a crisis, someone is there to help you. They can take care of themselves.

Yeah warning them will just worry them and there is a chance (although small) that I wont get so bad next time round. Considering the last 3 ended me up in hospital I dont hold much hope for surviving the next one. Im so tired I can barely breathe, and every breath is painful. Maybe a nap and wake up feeling better? Doubtful, and more sleep = lower mood. Cant win. I keep reminding myself I can compel my limbs and muscles to do the good and right thing (going to the convention) despite my feelings but its not very effective yet.

[swheaton]

Surround yourself with friends. Do not let yourself be alone. You've got me afraid, Supanova.

Im sorry I did not mean to worry anyone, especially someone as kind as you swheaton. Dont be afraid for now, I am still inpatient. Im not sure I am safe to leave at the moment but cant tell if its from psychological fear or if the PMDD cycle is starting already. I have a few other symptoms that suggest it may be PMDD again already but it could also be anxiety so who knows!

[swheaton]

I don't want to be afraid, but you have me worried. I hope something can be done for you and soon!

[wildflowerchild25]

Oh supanoba I wish I could help you! I like you presence here very much and I would miss you if you were gone and I don't even know you. Yet I understand the torture of depression and especially to have it be related to hormones and nothing helping...I am sorry you have to go through this. And I do wish you had found comfort in hospital instead of hating it so much.

Just take it minute by minute. I hope you choose to stay here with us.

I worry about you too hon, I really don't want anything to happen to you. Please be honest with the people at the hospital so they can keep trying to help you.
I'm sorry you are so afraid of going through this again, I know how hard depression can be, physically and mentally. I wish there was something I could say that could help as you go through this episode. Because as I have read your writing these past days it is clear you haven't yet passed through this particular one and that influences your thoughts about the future. Please take things one day at a time, focus on getting better now and try not to think about the what ifs.
I know when I think of you, I imagine you with your horses. I never got to ride them for real, the idea of riding seems so freeing and exhilarating. I would miss you if you weren't here with us.
(((Much love and)))
Amy

[cashart10]

I hope it is easier for you this time and, though I don't know you, I'm thinking of you. I agree with emom, please let them know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Your life is valuable and so are you!

Thankyou for the support guys. It really does help. I think I will tell my nurse when she next comes in that I am a SH risk, but I dont know why and I dont like not knowing why. Am I reacting like that because I didnt get to go home when I wanted to? I hope not because I dont mean to be a brat, and maybe I just am if my thoughts are like that. For all I know I could have spotting tomorrow that explains this all (hormones) but I cant predict the future.

The pain is really bad right now (razor blades iin my uterus) so they are calling my pdoc to get permission to give me stronger painkillers. I dont think I can make it to see my friends which is a downer, but at the moment I feel I will be a risk. I didnt want to admit it before because I didnt want them to hold me (voluntary clinic but they can revoke leave if you are a risk). Plus I cant stand upright which will make walking the 2kms to see my friends a bit difficult.

Im so tired of all this, Im tired of whinging, Im tired of trying to cope. I wish I could cuddle my horse, she is the best treatment I have. I think being so distant from her for so long has really influenced my positivity. I have lost the bond with her being in her and that has had more effect on my mood than anyone (even myself) realises.

[medicalfox]

Sorry you're suffering so much

Hormones are hard to deal with and I'm super unstable on birthcontrol. I couldn't imagine what you're going through which is why I haven't asked for the mirena. I've been enduring the pain of my endometriosis because mania is so much worse :/

[swheaton]

I hope you're better today, Supanova. Letting the nurse know how your feeling is the best thing to do. I am so glad that you are here with all of us. PMDD hurts and destroys the mind and body...I know first hand. Just keep trying.

Home tomorrow. I've told them I wont go for help next time but Im still going home. They nurses were wrong in my notes to the pdoc, they said I was scared to go home, no Im not scared to go home, Im scared of what will happen next time PMDD hits. I told him straight that I wont be coming back and he said he'd get the mental health act onto me but I just wont tell him and he cant do it. Accepting that makes me calm.

I cannot wait to get out of here. Out of this environment where I have NO control, when I feel so out of control already. They've had me on daily benzos so thats gona be a ton of fun to get off aswell cos I wont be taking them at home (well not as much as I do in here). Im not sure if I will get home and crash or get home and thrive (until the next cycle). I doubt I will sleep much tonight out of pure excitement and anxiety. If I dont get home and reach my daily goal of spending an hour a day with my horse to get our bond back, I will be devastated and really really beat myself up for it so I know I just have to do it.

I have a whole plan of how to deal at home, daily goals, daily routine, planned to the hour. Plenty of spare time activites, exercise and meditation on the cards. But then I know when I get home I have the option of saying F*** it all and just achieving nothing. Im not sure which way I will go. Generally I work very hard at my mental health but Im so disheartened after this admission.

They doped me up tonight. I feel weird like the anxiety and excitement is stopped by the drugs but its still there, internally. Internally bubbling away making my body feel like it is going to jump out of my skin. If I am still this unsettled in an hour I'll break out the zyprexa, they tried to give it to me earlier but I didnt want it cos I still have to pack and dont want to be completely ****ed up for tomorrow. I have to be able to handle going food shopping and getting out the rent money that I owe since I havent paid it being in here then figure out how much money I have left over for the next two pdoc appointments and I need to pick up meds tomorrow too. Way to overload myself on the first day free...

Thankyou for the words of encouragement. I feel I cant go to my real life support network with this as it just makes them worry and try to get me medicated and hosptialised again. If they knew what I was really thinking they wouldnt let me come home.

I just want to say again, thankyou to all that have commented or PMed me during this time. Its amazing how much support from this site can help, knowing that someone out there knows your darkest fears and is thinking of you throughout.

I am home now, and not quite sticking the discharge planned routine... I stayed in bed a little too long, but Im up now and have had my breaky and my meds and plan to go do some volunteer work in half an hour. My goal for today is to spend some time with my horse. Im not sure why I am finding that idea so difficult. I know I will be wracked with guilt. (I think perhaps if I dont look at her then I wont feel guilty for leaving her so long...) Shes been cared for by my neighbour so there is no welfare issue, I just know she would have missed me, but being the way she is, she will be mad at me for leaving her for so long. It will take some time to get our bond back. And I need to get my horsemanship skills up a bit as she is not an easy horse so I will need to be on the ball while handling her.

Its kinda scary being on my own in my own house at times, I dont know if I can trust myself. My partner (when he is here) is very supportive and helpful. I know I have to choose to take the meds or go for help but that is so hard sometimes. I worry about taking the wafers and doing something dumb like burning the house down or something. I do not want to go back to hospital so I know why I dont want to ask anyone in real life for help when I get scared. I've lost my list of coping strategies and I forget them in the hard times but I do have a basic list on my whiteboard. I will make another pretty list later in the day and stick it up somewhere easy to see.

Better get ready for the volunteer work now. I desperately need new boots but money is so tight. It is so hard when I cant work and my partner is struggling at the moment too. A new budget will be on the agenda at some stage as well. Life stuff is hard and tiring.

[hamster-bamster]

Why not take a combination estrogen/progesterone birth control pill without taking any breaks, for a good several months, and then stop to see if Mirena has kicked in at last? The amount of progesterone in Mirena is low, so I doubt that combined, mirena and the pill will cause an OD of progesterone.

How cruel of nurses to ask you if you were excited! Had you been excited, it would have been written all over your face... psych nurses should read faces better than anybody else.