[korafrancesca]

Did / does anyone else have this? For me, it was almost three years of feeling traumatized by what happened during my manic episodes.

I felt like everything was ruined and I would have no future. I couldn't stop spacing out and thinking about what happened even when I was supposed to be having fun. I was maid of honor at my best friend's wedding - the night before the wedding my college friends and I were sitting in a lounge drinking champagne and talking. At some point, one of my friend says, "Are you OK? You've been staring into the distance for the last 40 minutes." I had spaced out again.... thinking about it again.

I had no self-esteem. Every interaction I had with people I interpreted completely negatively so it was hard to talk to people. The worst part was that I thought I just couldn't get over my episode, so it was a weakness on my part, and I blamed myself for being so pathetic. Finally, my psychiatrist asked me to see a specialist for trauma.

I guess the most upsetting thing to me was that I was not myself for years after my first bipolar episode. It was not just the bipolar episodes that stole part of my life. Even when the manic and depressive episodes were gone, the trauma associated with it robbed me of years of happiness and feeling comfortable with myself. Plus I was so distracted by my unhappiness that I couldn't focus on my career as much as my friends were so I feel behind in that respect too.

Does anyone have a similar experience with trauma from bipolar episodes?

[Curiosity77]

I am pretty traumatized from my hospitalization, which was dec 2011. The whole process of being held involuntarily for 3 weeks, and then all the repercussions to my career are really hard for me to get over. It was a long time ago, but i think about it often. I walked into the ER and asked for help, and the help i got was traumatizing and ruined a lot of things for me. I will never go back to hospital again. Ever. Big regrets

[lilypup]

I wouldn't say I have official trauma but I have carried around an immense amount of guilt from my manic activities. I am 55 so that is a lot of manic activity. I kept all my behavior in my head and never told anyone because of the shame.
But I have started to tell safe people about some of it. I have documented plenty of it on this board. And I have found that my mania is nothing special. LOTS of people have done the very same things and many have done worse. This has made me realize that my behavior is part of my illness and not me personally.
Most of the people I hurt during mania are long gone from my life...so I have no need or interest in apologizing. Plus frankly, some of them deserved some of it. But for other friends who sort of drifted off during depression, I have written or messaged them and confessed my bipolar and asked them to understand what led to my poor behavior. All three of these people are now back in my life. It's like a miracle.
So my point to you is 1) life is short...forgive yourself for anything 2) people think less often than we think...half of them probably didn't know or care much 3) people can be brought back if you want that.

[exclamationpoint]

I wouldn't say it's trauma exactly, but I find it extremely disturbing when I look back at how suicidal I was during my last depressive episode. I really did want to die and I really could have. That scares me.

[wildflowerchild25]

I am carrying trauma from my last manic episode because it was my first true psychotic break and it scared the hell out if me. I'm slowly getting over it but it's been difficult. I think what we go through can definitely be traumatizing.

[pawn78]

I was really upset after I was hospitalized in 2010 with psychotic mania. Really embarrassing, plus I went bankrupt and almost lost my wife due to my horrible moods after my manic episode.

Looking back, I don't care any more. I fully accept my disorder at this point, and I have met so many wonderful people on this forum who have gone through the same **** as me. It's O-K!

[cashart10]

2 1/2 years ago I also had a psychotic break. I believed that the Lord answered ALL of my prayers (and only my prayers) if the Holy Spirit lead me to pray them. I believed that the Lord was speaking directly to me. I was laying my hands on people and speaking in tongues and casting out demons although I'm not charismatic. I would go running singing praise music at the top of my lungs thinking it would lead people to the Lord. I also believed the Lord was telling me to do some reckless things. Then, I started to believe demons were trying to get me to kill myself. The Bible that I had been reading 4 to 6 times a day started to condemn me. Needless to say, I was over the top hyper-religious and delusional. This was very traumatizing to me as a Christian because once I realized none of this was real, I couldn't determine what was real. It is still troubling to me now. How do I know if something is occurring because of my faith or because of my illness? My husband says he will ALWAYS tell because I went so mad while psychotically manic. It makes me sad nonetheless.

[pawn78]

Originally Posted by cashart10

2 1/2 years ago I also had a psychotic break. I believed that the Lord answered ALL of my prayers (and only my prayers) if the Holy Spirit lead me to pray them. I believed that the Lord was speaking directly to me. I was laying my hands on people and speaking in tongues and casting out demons although I'm not charismatic. I would go running singing praise music at the top of my lungs thinking it would lead people to the Lord. I also believed the Lord was telling me to do some reckless things. Then, I started to believe demons were trying to get me to kill myself. The Bible that I had been reading 4 to 6 times a day started to condemn me. Needless to say, I was over the top hyper-religious and delusional. This was very traumatizing to me as a Christian because once I realized none of this was real, I couldn't determine what was real. It is still troubling to me now. How do I know if something is occurring because of my faith or because of my illness? My husband says he will ALWAYS tell because I went so mad while psychotically manic. It makes me sad nonetheless.

That sounds A LOT like my old self. The realization that all my religious beliefs were actually delusional beliefs was one of the greatest things that ever happened to me psychologically.
Once I finally let my faith go for good, and let reason and rationality reign over my mind, a huge block of cognitive dissonance lifted off my mind. Becoming an atheist, after a life-long obsession with God and the bible, etc.... was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. It just happened last year, and my mind is so much more stable now.

This site: ex-christian.net forums really helped me out while I was going through the painful process of my faith unraveling.

[pawn78]

this is my story, in case you were interested, cashart10.

[cashart10]

LOL...the delusional faith aspect of your story does sound a lot like mine. I don't think I could ever give up my faith though, I cling to it so very passionately and so very strongly! Thank you for sharing your story. It was wonderful to learn about you, even if only a bit and it's very nice to meet you. And see, I also am feeling a little manic, or hypomanic perhaps, and when I do, I start listening to songs like this melodramatic one. It always gets my husband a little worried, lol. This song might be on repeat until 4 AM. LOL...at least I can make fun of myself.

[littlemiss44]

I know what you mean about being traumatized. When I was first dx as bp2 with bpd.anxiety and depression from the bp I was so ashamed. I had managed to ruin my credit, was hyper sexual and didn't care. I would date people back to back and have one night stands. Many of my friendships ended but some of them weren't worthy of my love anyways...they were people who took advantage of me.

My self worth was in the toilet. I.had lost tons of jobs because of my instability...I was very suicidal by the time I was dx that it's amazing that I'm alive. I remember thinking like a god. As if everyone liked me and no one would ever have as much power as me. I was dx originally in 2004 and have had plenty of episodes since then but none of them were as bad as that first one. Thankfully I stopped being hyper sexual and I've regained some self esteem from being that way. It's important to forgive yourself yes but I've struggled with that one character defect I had in the past. I just didn't give a **** what happened to me.

I'm glad for today cause now I know when I feel an episode coming on. I still feel the sting of the past but not as much. I sometimes wish I could have had more control but I know I was just sick.

I've just came out of a hypomanic episode and I feel really embarrassed because I convinced everyone that I was going to have a baby. Even tho my tubes are tied...even tho I'm not stable enough...even tho I'd have to go off all my meds. I told my daughter of my plans and I made an appt to have an ivf which I thought I could pay the ten grand to have it done. I honestly convinced myself that I was going to do this. Magical thinking then crashed into a week long depression. This bp stinks but at least I seek help for it. That is the gift I give myself today...I practice mindfulness and can self soothe my anxiety. So I completely agree with you that with bp comes trauma. I hope that you are doing good these days.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by pawn78

this is my story, in case you were interested, cashart10.

Frankly, I think I may be becoming a little too focused on my faith. On one hand, I feel like I need to be very cautious, and on the other hand I feel like maybe I was never wrong in the first place and I should proceed with reckless abandonment. Even now, I fear.

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

I am pretty traumatized from my hospitalization, which was dec 2011. The whole process of being held involuntarily for 3 weeks, and then all the repercussions to my career are really hard for me to get over. It was a long time ago, but i think about it often. I walked into the ER and asked for help, and the help i got was traumatizing and ruined a lot of things for me. I will never go back to hospital again. Ever. Big regrets

That is horrible C77. I'm so sorry you had to go through such an experience.

[pawn78]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Frankly, I think I may be becoming a little too focused on my faith. On one hand, I feel like I need to be very cautious, and on the other hand I feel like maybe I was never wrong in the first place and I should proceed with reckless abandonment. Even now, I fear.

Well, you are on your own journey, so I can't tell you what to do or what to believe. I can tell you that at one time my faith was "unshakable" and I would give my life and die for my faith.
And now.... I am an atheist, and I am happier and saner than I have ever been in my life. ALL the delusions, hallucinations and psychotic symptoms I ever had in my whole life were directly related to my faith in imaginary spiritual beliefs.
Since I have finally let reason reign in my mind, and abandoned "faith", I have had zero delusions, zero mental conflicts with reality, and zero psychotic symptoms.

Obviously my case is unique, and everyone is different, but FOR ME, faith was extraordinarily destructive to my mental health.

Whatever path you end up on Cashart10, I wish you wellness and sanity. Whatever that looks like for you.

[Love&Toil]

Yeeeaaaarrrss ago when I was a teenager I had an episode where I was sure God was talking to me and telling me I had to go to my church, speak to the priest, and become a nun. I felt like that was the only way I was going to be saved and safe from.... something. That was a very disturbing episode and stayed with me for a long time. Now I see it for what it was... an episode. Something I went through that was part of my illness and it's not because I am a bad person.

[Victoria'smom]

I was traumatized by years of hallucinations yelling at me.

[Creative1onder]

I has a really traumatic time 7/6 years ago when I spent a year abroad . That's when I became really aware of illness. I don't know how I'm still here. When I came back home from time abroad I went through a really difficult time. I remember reliving my experiences abroad. It was dark, disturbing, scarey and painful. I cried a great deal by myself.
I went to A&E for first time two years ago cos was in a really bad way. I felt like I'd given up completely. I was having really intense suicidal thoughts and feelings and behaving out of control, not myself. I received such poor treatment though by staff in A&E. I tried to few times to get them to take me seriously and help but didn't. I was told I don't have illness,medical problem, not serious/severe and forced away.

[Skitz13]

So far I haven't experienced hallucinations but my daughters and I have been severely traumatized by the episodes of this illness.
I've had a lot of suicide attempts, the last one being April 2011. Now, if I don't answer my phone or their texts, they think the worst. It's heartbreaking to know what I've done to them.

As for me, my episodes have left me very afraid of what's around the corner. having little episodes of stability is great but it always comes back, now with a vengance. I'm left afraid, hopeless, angry and discouraged.

I've done some outrageous things and that is my trauma