Please read - urgent feedback requested

Sorry about the long message!

Well, here's my story:
I am 43 years old, I was diagnosed with Bipolar about 5-6 years ago.
I have been married for 14 years and with the same woman for 23.

Before we were married, when my wife and I moved in together, I had my first extremely manic episode. I had several depressions, but not many manic periods. I have had several depressions since that time also, and my wife has always been by my side. During that first manic episode what I did was horrible and totally out of character me: I had sex with a prostitute. After the mania, I could not understand why I did this and was totally confused. I was so ashamed that I never talked about it ever, with anyone. Well, we married in 2000. Things were going well, and I love my wife very much, and aside from this one episode before we got married, I had always been faithful.
In 2007, we had our first son. So advancing to 2009, I had a fallen into depression, and the guilt was too much, so I told her. I believe she suspected something was wrong anyhow. It goes without saying that I came very close to losing her. I had just been diagnosed with Bipolar around that time also. She ended up forgiving me and 3 years later we had our 2nd son. Again, I had been faithful to her all this time and never had the urge to do it again.
At the time I was diagnosed with the bipolar, I was put on medication and never had a manic episode or depression from that time 2009 until now.
A few years ago, I was also diagnosed with Sleep Apnea and I had tried everything to help stop it, and nothing worked.
about a month ago, we went on vacation to a resort and I drank, not heavily, but about 4 drinks per day, this went on for 2 weeks. I thought that maybe the medication had something to do with my sleep apnea, because the apnea started around the same time as I started taking the medication. When we arrived back home, in my brilliant wisdom, I decided to reduce my medication.
Well, that is when I went through another manic episode and surfed the internet for prostitutes and emailed the numbers to my office computer. My wife, found out and she was again obviously extremely hurt and she said it was over. And to tell you the truth I thought it was too. Well, I explained too her, that I had reduced my medication and that perhaps along with the alcohol, It had triggered another manic episode. Well I immedietly started to get anxious and I fell into a dark depression. I apologized several times, sent her several emails explaining how genuinely remorseful I am, how much I love her, and that it was not the "real me" who did that, I was not myself. I also explained and I truly believe that I would have come to my senses and deleted those phone numbers by the time I would have had the opportunity to act on it, which would have been several days if not weeks later.
Fast forward about a week and she started hugging me, She tells me often that she loves me, and we have made love several times. She has told me that she is indeed hurt, but in the process of forgiving me and says that is willing to give me one more chance. She even has said a few times that my episode must have happened because of the mix of alcohol in my system and the reduction of the medication. We have, since then (her included) been more affectionate than ever and she is even making plans for a road trip together this summer.

Here is my concern: I am wondering if her actions are truly genuine and that she has really decided to forgive me, give me another chance and move forward with our relationship. Keep in mind this is the second (2) serious incident. My anxiety and depression is through the roof and all I keep obsessing over, is that this is a mask and that she is going to change her mind in the future and want to separate. This terrifies me to no end because I love her with all my heart we do everything together and she and my family mean the world to me.

Now I don’t say that I don’t deserve to feel so anxious and insecure, I really screwed up. Heck, right now I feel so guilty and ashamed for hurting her again, that I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved or happy again. And I don’t feel like I will ever be happy again or get rid of this anxiety and severe depression. Do you think that I am making a bigger thing out of this than it is?
It's just that it took less than a week for her to attitude and behaviour towards me to change back to being affectionate, and decide to give me a chance. Is this behaviour something I should be worried about, or is this really a good sign that she really does love me? Do you think my obsessing and insecurity are just a symptom of my anxiety and depression? Is my insecurity and doubt of her actions and words a symptom of my self-hate, doubt, guilt and shame?

Is it possible and highly likely that she is completely genuine in her actions and response. And that if I don’t do anything stupid again, that with time and proof of my action I could regain her trust and we could enjoy a happy life together? Can a woman really fake those actions and that kind of sentiment? Or is this my mind playing games on me? Can I feel a bit better that I have not lost her for good?

PLEASE NOTE: I am very interested and appreciative of feedback from anyone, but also especially women, as I would imagine they would have a more insight as to what my wife is thinking right now.

Thank you so much for reading,

AnxiousOne

Please do not take the following too personal. I mean no harm.

You are concerned about you wife being genuine and truthful? From the looks of it, it looks like you wife has much more to be concerned about then you do. Forgiveness is very difficult if not entirely possible. The hurt can go on for a life time. But this actually is not really a bad place for the relationship to be. One thing for sure, you will never take her for granted again. Because if you do, you know what will happen next. I personally was involved in this type of relationship where we both felt that way. But we did not look at it as anything bad, just realistic. It was the best relationship that I ever had.

So just count your blessings. And hope you will not give her another good reason to leave. Appreciate what you do have right now. And hope she feels the same way. This is what i would do.

[snip]

I hope a all will be well for you!

I'm a woman and I can see how she would be able to forgive you. The two of you have been together for 23 yrs and both times you were unfaithful was due to an illness. As long as you learned from the experiences and didn't use the illness to trigger a manic episode to create an opportunity to have sex outside the marriage I would forgive too. Part of her might be tentative in her forgiveness because it is hard but she clearly values you as a partner. I think you need to discuss your fears that she doesn't forgive you with a therapist, because if you remain insecure it can affect your relationship and your mental health stability.

There are books out there for how to deal with my bipolar partner and I'm sure they touch upon cheating and being manic...Maybe you should get her a book so she can understand what your going through.

Hello everyone,

I realize that it will take time and work, and I am positively willing and motivated to do everything I have to. I do not and cannot lose my wife.
That being said, do you think it is possible for me to regain her trust back?

I am pretty sure I know what I have to do and not do, but can anybody please provide some advice or guidance that could help gain her trust back and repair our relationship?
Perhaps there is something that I never thought of that would help.
Like I said, I am prepared to do what ever I have to do. And I will never screw it up again.

Thanks again everybody for reading and all your input.
Very much appreciated.

AnxiousOne

I'm not reading the other replies because I want to give mine without their feedback possibly "tainting" my natural instinct.

I'm a 33 year old woman - married to an amazing man for almost 9 years. We have a 5 year old and 2 1/2 year old.

I never had even thoughts of being faithful until just over a year ago. Since this is your post and not mine I'll keep it short but I started emailing and out of state coworker, it escalated over the year. In Dec my husband only found an email exchange between me and the guy that was sexual in nature. That's it - just me saying what I wanted him to do to me, but he lives out of state so there wasn't any physical stuff (from my husband's understanding) going on. My husband almost left me and I begged for him to stay. I don't know why actually.

He did and I promised to never contact the guy again. Two weeks later he found an email I had sent asking how his family was doing, etc. Not at all sexual in any way but it was contact with the man. My husband was going to leave. I convinced him to stay.

We were doing very well for a few weeks - he was forgiving me, we felt close. I went out of town for work and my husband found out the other man was there. He was going to move my stuff out before I got home but again I talked him out of it. At that point our marriage was very broken and we implemented a new marriage style to keep us together.

Less than 2 weeks ago I got caught emailing this man AGAIN. Now this was the first time I actually cared about my family completely. The first time I didn't really want anything to do with the other guy (I was bored and had no one else to email with for about 1/2 an hour). The first time I didn't want my husband to leave. Our marriage had been AMAZING for two weeks straight prior to this. I was sober when I did it. I have NO excuse this time. It was the only time my meds were working.

He's staying. He has no trust in me. We're doing well but every single day one of us cries. However, he wants to be with me and I desperately want to be with him. We want to raise our kids together. We want to be together. He just doesn't want to be hurt.

The reason I told you all that is to show that yes, your wife's actions may be completely sincere. It's not the first time you did something like this, but also not the 4th. She may be able to forgive quickly at this point. Maybe she did her research or saw her own counselor and realized what could be responsible for your behavior and she's understanding. Maybe she realizes what she'd lose by losing you and she's not willing to lose all of that. Maybe she really does love you with all of her heart and body and she has decided it's not worth holding on to the pain and hurt and she let that go and is showing you that in her actions.

I don't know her, or you. I could be completely wrong about all of this. However, in my opinion, unless you have reason to think she has an ulterior motive in this, try to trust her. She was hurt deeply and it's possible she is letting that go and moving on to forgive you. Work with her to let her

As for what to do to get her back....I ask myself this all day every day. I've asked my husband this countless times.

For us, and our situation it's different than yours, but I'll tell you what I'm doing anyway.

The only thing my husband has told me is "put yourself in my shoes, what would you want from me?" So that's what I do. All day every day I say, if I felt completely betrayed and broken by the person that meant the most to me, what would I want her to do? I'd want her to apologize. I'd want her to tell me she wants me and needs me and loves me. I'd want her to show me those things. I'd want her to go out of her way to show how much she cares.

So I do that. I send texts throughout the day with anything from "I love you" to a message apologizing for what I did. At this point I can't apologize enough. I tell him I know he's not going to forgive me quickly and I'm not going to stop saying sorry. I tell him even though we had a great night, I don't expect it to make up for what happened and I apologize again. It's all completely heart felt.

I also am an open book (FINALLY). I don't play on my phone at all anymore (that's where all my emails where found). I leave my phone face up on the table if I am on it and put it down so he can see the screen I was last on. I tell him everything about my thoughts and feelings.

If he's having a hard day I push away the fact that I'm in a bad mood and I comfort him.

I'm physical with him. I hug him and hold his hand and touch him and squeeze his butt when I walk by.

We are making love daily (which has NEVER happened in our relationship) and are really spicing it up because we want to. Not because I feel like I have to.

I am looking at our marriage with new eyes - seriously. I feel the love for him I felt when we first met and I'm making it obvious.

Does he still hurt? Yes. Does he have nightmares about my lies? Yes. Does he wake up Easter morning feeling betrayed an unable to enjoy the holiday with our kids? Yes. All because of what I did. But instead of feeling like crap, I'm pushing that feeling away and using my emotion to be productive and show him I'm sorry and that he's not making a mistake by staying.

I recommend surprise gifts too - I left candy and a card on his windshield one day last week. Drop off flowers at her work one day, etc.

Most of all, respect her. If she doesn't want to be touched, don't force it. My husband desperately wanted it so it was key for us, but if I were in his shoes I probably wouldn't.

Good luck.

Also - I'm in a hypo-manic phase right now, between that and my meds I have a lot of energy and motivation. If I were not in this phase, I'm not sure how things would be going..............

Okay. I'm not entirely sure how to approach what I want to say because the words are jumping around in my head and therefore I find it difficult to string a sentence together, let alone a paragraph. I'll give it a try.

The thing with infidelity is that it is a very psychologically damaging human behaviour. I know from experience that the issues arising from it are long-lasting and often quite severe. It's easy to pinpoint the action of being unfaithful on a manic episode and it can often be linked to mania but that doesn't make it any easier for your spouse.

It's not just the issue of feeling betrayed but also the lack of honesty and the reasoning behind it. Since it happened to me, I've felt a lot more self-conscious about my appearance, my "performance", my ability to be in a relationship etc. On top of that, I'm constantly worried about people being dishonest to be and I'm in an almost constant state of paranoia. It is with utmost difficulty for me to trust anyone, let alone him. But love keeps it together.

Anyway. The point I'm slowly making is that it's completely possible to forgive but it's not entirely easy to forget. In fact, I'll never forget. Sometimes it'll all come flooding back and I literally become tachycardic (with a pulse over 120BPM - high for me) and I'll be filled with despair or sometimes anger. I forgive him, completely. But do I fully trust him over two years later? No. Has it become any less painful? Yes. But not when it comes back to the front of my mind.

Your wife most likely does want to forgive you and move on. Love is, without sounding corny, priceless. However for the sake of the analogy please ignore that. Think of the most expensive item you own. If it broke, wouldn't you prefer to fix it instead of just throwing something worth so much away? The same applies to a marriage or a relationship. I always think it's best to work things through and fix a marriage whenever possible instead of ending it and walking away.

Now. I also did cheat on my partner during a manic episode. Personally, I don't think it was down to the mania. I think it was down to paranoia and my own selfishness. I hate myself for it, one year on. It was the most horrible thing I've ever done and I still cry about it, multiple times a week. The strange thing is our relationship is stronger than ever. We moved in together shortly afterwards and we never argue, at all. We used to argue every single day. Now we never do. I told my partner the very next day and for a month or two i had to do everything in my power to make things right. We went on endless date nights, sent letters to each other and made every effort possible to fix things.

Your wife, it seems, wants to move on. Why? Because she loves you. However, I do have a belief that there's a time when enough is enough. I wouldn't blame anyone for ending a marriage or relationship due to a single occurrence of infidelity. When it happens multiple times, it's time to make a judgement that will protect both from further upset.

Fully cooperate with your treatment. There has already been two occurrences of infidelity. Eventually, you'll step over the line and the marriage will be destroyed. Not only that, but you'll causes psychological damage to your wife that she may never fully be able to overcome.

I wish you and your wife the best of luck.
RB

RB - wow, you wrote that wonderfully! I have had such a hard time understanding what my husband has gone through due to my infidelity and that really explained some things for me. Thank you!

IMO this is a realistic and genuine assessment of a similar situation to the OP. Still, the others here have given good advice for carrying the relationship on to the future.

I think the OP needs to consider your thoughtful and generous reply.

PS: I really do wish the OP and the success of his marriage well!

Hi,

My obsessing over all this seems to have my anxiety in over drive. I just want to give you an update and would really appreciate any feedback you have. My wife has been very affectionate and we have very passionate sex. She also tells me she me and hugs me and does everything she used to do before the mania episode happened and she discovered that I almost had an indiscretion. However, this morning we were talking and she told me that when she found out she was thinking about just taking the kids and leaving. Then she said that she stopped and thought about and decided to stay primarily for the kids. Now, one thing I am guilty of is that for the past few years, I have become lazy and complacent about showing affection. I just got too comfortable and I took it for granted that she knew I loved her. I realize that never should have done that. Also because of my sleep apnea, which I know is not a valid excuse, I was tired all the time and we did not make love very often.
However, I do love her very much. All this was my mistake and I take full responsibility. She then said that she was giving me a year to change my behaviour and take actions to show my affection and love. Now, I realize after all this, I should not expect our relationship to be all rosey and in great shape. I am also not saying that I don't deserve to feel anxious and insecure about our relationship. However, I am just wondering if she is indeed just staying with me for the kids? Would she be able to put on an act and be affectionate and say she loves me just for the sake of the kids? Would she be able to decide to stay with me if she felt no more love and affection towards me? If I change my behaviour and take action and show her a lot of affection and show her how much I love her is it realistic to think that she will forgive me and that her love towards me could grow again? Is she just angry and hurt right now, and just expressing how hurt she is and is going through the steps required to heal and forgive? Or is my relationship doomed?

Perhaps it is my anxiety, insecurity and depression that is making me think that it is much worse than it really is, but right now, I can't stop obsessing over it because I keep thinking that I have completely screwed up our marriage beyond repair. I keep thinking that she will not be able to forgive, that she no longer loves me will not be able to truly love me again, and that one day she will just decide that she no longer wants to be with me. I really screwed up, but I love her beyond words.

Is her actions a positive sign that she still loves me and wants to fix our relationship? Is it likely that if I do what I need to do, that I can gorw her love for me before the year is over?

Can you speculate and give me your opinion on what you think her intentions and feelings are by her actions and behaviour right now?

I would really appreciate any feedback on my questions and concerns.

Thanks so much!

I am wondering if her actions are truly genuine and that she has really decided to forgive me, give me another chance and move forward with our relationship. Keep in mind this is the second (2) serious incident. My anxiety and depression is through the roof and all I keep obsessing over, is that this is a mask and that she is going to change her mind in the future and want to separate. This terrifies me to no end because I love her with all my heart we do everything together and she and my family mean the world to me.

You can't second judge if she's genuine. Shes choosing to stay with you. Please treat her like you would if your best friend found out their significant other did this.

don’t deserve to be loved or happy again. good thing its not your choice.

You can't tell her it won't happen again. Manias one of those things that likes just to show up. Here is the things that I see from you post:

Not sleeping well either sleep apnea or hypo mania. Do you have a c-pap? Have you had you alnoids and tonsils removed? Do you have allergies or asthma? But I bet it was hypomania.

As for more than 2 alcohol look at it as a mania sign because its out of carictor. Messing with meds were not normal for you so that was a hint too. You may want to limit your access to the internet when your doing things out of charictor.

"My obsessing over all this seems to have my anxiety in over drive"

Right there, that is where the problem seems to be. Please talk to a therapist about this before you obsessing destroys that which you are obsessing over.

I agree with sidestepper.

However, I'll keep talking (I ramble). I'm the one from page 1 that cheated. 6 months ago I was not in love with my husband at all, I considered leaving him for another man, I considered leaving my kids behind too. I was in a bad place obviously. However, our marriage is unbelievably strong. He is putting forth every ounce of effort (a year ago he wasn't the one to show verbal or physical affection either, not an excuse for me to cheat, but he wasn't perfect either) and so am I. I never knew we could feel this in love.

Did we stay together because of our kids? Yup, we sure did. The thought of breaking up their family killed us both so at multiple different points, that's why we each stayed. Does it mean that's why we're together now? Not at all. We love each other with every ounce of us and he is trying his hardest to get past my lies and betrayal. He's going to be hurt for a long time, but our love is at a complete peak - probably the highest it's been in the 9+ years we've been together!

Work on YOU right now. The rest will fall into place but if you focus on your obsession that she's going to leave or is lying or whatever, it will just keep you from making yourself better. She wants you better - give this your all and see what happens. You can't predict the future but if you try your hardest each day, it can't hurt things, can it?

I also think marriage counseling would be helpful so she knows what are some realistic expectations to have.

Have you two read the 5 Love Languages? I think it would help you immensely and it's a fast, easy read. You can even just google it and each take the online test to see what are your languages (my guess is hers are words of affection/physical touch/acts of service) and perhaps that's not what your strongest language is. There is plenty of room to grow your marriage - seize the opportunity!

Hello, you should feel very lucky. I was undiagnosed when I took Zoloft and sent me into my first mania. I didn't even know what bipolar or mania was! I was never abusive, great father and by all accounts a good husband. I almost had a affair but thought of my kids and marriage and stopped myself. I didn't go looking for it she came after me. It wasn't even a emotional affair, just a chase and lust thing, she was interested none the less. The reason I say you are lucky is this, after 1 episode where I went off the chart I was dumped after 15 years.
The manic scared her, and I was pretty blunt with her and angry.
There is more to the story but not as bad as most the stories I hear.
I never got the chance to explain the zoloft reaction that made me not myself. She never knew about the almost affair that never happened.
But I got dumped after first episode while I was in the hospital!
So you are very lucky to have 1 or 2 or 3 chances at forgiveness.
Yes some people are very forgiving but there are limits. Let her give you one more chance and trust her, you have nothing to lose and yet a lot to lose also. So stay away from the alcohol and take your meds.
Make a promise to yourself and forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself may be the key here. Thank your lucky stars..really!

Thanks for all the feedback!

Update: So this morning, I made a little mistake of asking her if she "forgives me for my stupidity" I meaning the stupidity of drinking and coming off my meds. She then said that "it could take years"
Should I take from that that she wants to forgive me and is working on it?
Also, like I said before, we are more affectionate and she tells me she loves me and we make love more than ever before.
She also says that she doesn't want me to send her emails apologizing, or to talk about anything to do with it. She says she just wants to put in in the past and move forwards. And then behaves like nothing has really happened. Now I know she is hurting and that she is not in denial. I know that I have to give her space, and that is what I will do.
And I will not talk about it or bring it up.
I wonder is this a good sign that she truly still does love me and that she wants to move forward with me? At this point, do you think a woman would tell her husband that she loves him if she really didn't?

Thanks again for reading!

One more thing:
She has told me that she wants me to show er more affection and to make love more often. She wants me to make her feel appreciated, sexy and beautiful. I have to agree that I was not the most affectionate person for the past several years. Even though I love her very much, I took it for granted that she knew. She said that she would be giving me a year, and if that did not change then that would be it.

I find that I would understand more if she would have been really upset for weeks or even months and then slowly started to warm up to me to the point of being affectionate and loving.
But after only about 2 weeks see started to warm up to me and now she is treating me like nothing ever happened. Now I realize that I should probably be jumping for joy and really happy about this. But for some reason, I feel like maybe she acting this way because she is not dealing with it well or in a healthy way and that things will get much worse.
Do you think it is my depression and anxiety that is causing me to read into things that are not there and blowing things way out of proportion?

Now I know what I have to do and I am certainly doing it and will continue to do it, which is to show her a lot of love and affection, do you think that can save our relationship?

From things she has said in the past, she seems to agree and understand that what happened was because of my Mania. (I am not using it as an excuse, what happened is truly out of character for me and it confuses and disgusts me). That being said, I realize that something like that is going to hurt regardless of the reason. However, I am wondering if it would be a little easier for her to forgive me and move on because she realizes that it was not the "real me" and that it was a symptom of the manic episode?

(My first manic episode where I had the indiscretion was 17 years ago, I have not had another episode like that since the one that happened a few weeks ago, because I drank for 2 weeks on vacation and then I reduced my meds when I came back home. Nothing actually happened, she saw the pages I visited on the internet and confronted me before I woulld have actually had the opportunity to act on it. I also would like to believe that I would have come down form my manic state and came to my senses before I would have had the opportunity to act on it, but that is just speculation. I have been sincerely remorseful and have apologized to her several times. I assured her that I will no longer drink alcohol, that I will no longer play with my meds. I have also created and shared my Personal Action Plan to deal with my bipolar disorder to prevent me from doing anything I might regret again) I am totally determined and if I stay on my meds and don't drink, I will never do anything like that again!)

Any ideas of how I can stop this extreme anxiety over worrying that it won't work out and she will leave me, so that I can get out of this horrible depression and get on with life and showing her how much I love her?

(As you can see, by all these postings, it is all that I can think about)

Are you seeing a therapist? You haven't mentioned it at all and I think THAT is what you need to do to move on from all of this.

I have in the past, but not right now. I am considering it again.

I think it could be critical right now.

Thanks for the advice!
Would you or anyone have any comments or opinion on my recent posts?
I would be interested in your opinion.

I agree, I think therapy would be great for us. And we did do a few sessions together after I told her about the first episode that happened 17 years ago.

How do I ask her about couples therapy?
Because right now she said that she just does not want to talk about anything related to my manic episode or my bipolar in general. She said she just wants to move forward.
Should I wait and just approach her with it at a later date?

Two separate therapies, first and most importantly you need a T who understands and works with bipolar, this is for you. Then later when you are more stable both of you find a marriage therapist.

I wrote a few long responses and still stand by them. You never know for sure someone is telling the truth, but you have to trust she is by her actions. She hasn't left you. She's willing to stay for a year. If you are communicating with her and working to better yourself and make the changes you need to, you won't have any regrets.

Also, I'm coming from the cheating side so I can't really speak for her as I've never been in her position before, just in yours.