[sui generis]

Hey guys first post here aha.

I have this problem where I don't appear as depressed/anxious/hypomanic as I actually am and this leads to people not really believing me when I tell them what's happening. This is mostly because I feel really embarassed and guilty about my moods and I'm extremely self aware about what is and isn't appropiate social behaviour. Most people just think I'm chronically tired or something haha.

I'm also having issues with opening up to my psychologist because I'm afraid she won't believe me. Even though I'm really depressed atm, I can still make jokes and appear fine for a few hours at least before I crash. Usually there will be a few days in the week where I appear functioning and if I have a psych appt on that day... Well then she will think I'm fine :/

[Victoria'smom]

I'm a master at hiding. I even do it with my t and pdoc, not meaning to. That's why I write to them and they have my SN name here. The main way is how fast my leg is shaking.

[BrokenGlass]

I hide too, it's come to a point where I don't know how not to anymore

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

YES! Yes, yes. It happened today with my p-doc. I felt like my jaw was locked...I couldn't tell him about the "crazy" stuff that I suppose is hypomania-ish. I told him last time, but frankly the guy kinda creeps me out, so this time I couldn't seem to open up. All in all, I "hide" a lot.

[Curiosity77]

I have always been able to appear better than I am, and I am generally very high functioning. Most of the time I keep working or going to school, and doing the things I have to do, so no one can tell how I feel. If my mood state is apparent to others, than I am really not doing well, which happens sometimes, but is not the norm. I can be pretty seriously depressed and still seem OK on the outside.

[BipolaRNurse]

I'm the same way.......I "present well" and am quite high-functioning, but inside I'm a hot mess a lot of the time. Most people I share my diagnosis with are genuinely surprised to learn that I'm bipolar. But the only thing that holds me together during severe mood episodes is dignity, and sometimes even that fails me.

[sui generis]

It's good to know I'm not the only one that feels like this... Arrg so frustrating! and like jena said, it's kinda come to the point where I don't know how to not hide it =\ It's only when I'm by myself everything comes pouring out.

I only have one more appt with the psychologist but I think I might *try* and bring this up anyway just for peace of mind. After that I'm being referred to some long term counselling. Crossing my fingers I somehow figure out how to be a decent patient

[sui generis]

It's nice to know I'm not the only one this happens to and like jena said, it's at a point where I don't know how to not hide it. It's only when I'm alone where I can let it all out.

I wish I didn't do this though. I feel like I'm being a bad patient by not expressing myself properly because it leads to therapy not being very productive... Gahh! Whenever I try I just "choke" and my mind just feels like tv static. And then ofc, afterwards I'm thinking about all the things I wish I could have said -_-

[wildflowerchild25]

Absolutely! This last hospitalization shocked my whole family because I was such a good actress. I only started to lose it completely five days before i went to the hospital but I was still trying.

I feel the need to do this because of how I grew up. If anything went wrong my mother would become a mess and I hated it and hated doing it to her so I just pretend nothing's wrong . I vowed to be more honest with my husband at least though.

[tigersassy]

Yep me too. This past week though my "mask" hasn't been in place very well. Normally everything is all peaches and sunshine while i'm at work even while I'm felling like crap. I hide some of it at home too, but I've stopped trying to so much this week because i'm exhausted from hidding it at work.

Tig

[Trippin2.0]

I don't really know how not to hide, how to not wear my mask in public....
I think because I learned to do it at such a young age that it's become part of my "make-up" to appear appropriate. I don't ponder on it, I just do it.
Like breathing....

Lol, maybe that's why I don't wear actual make-up.

Funny, my T asked me last week if I've ever thought of not appearing so well put together. I told him I've never really thought of it as an actual option.

On the other hand...

Wearing a mask 24/7 does get tiring, it's weighed me down, brought forth road blocks of it's own (no support) and made me feel like a biga.s.s fake in the past.

So with that in mind, I have been trying these past 2 years to be more authentic atleast in my personal/private life.

I've not quite got it right, but it is getting easier to say "I'm having a really shytti time and I need a hug / need to be left alone for a while"...

With my pdoc or therapist, I could be sitting there laughing and cracking jokes, but I'm sure to add;

"You do know that humour is a coping mechanism and I'm really fukcing depressed right now... right?"

I understand the need for composure (I'm a control freak) and I understand the difficulty in changing this behaviour, but if there's one point I'd like to make:

Nobody can offer you effective help if you're not honest with them. Not doctors, not therapists and sure as hell not friends / family.

So if you'd like adequate care, please find a way to be honest with your care providers, even if it means printing out this post and showing it to them at you next appointment.

Ok I kinda rambled, sorry, haven't really "spoken" to anyone in 4 days.

All the time. It's been ingrained in me that if people see the real disaster that is simmering inside of you, they will say things to you like-

I'm afraid you're going to have a bipolar meltdown.

I'm going to report her, I really am. And you don't want anyone to see your weakness. Any weakness. So deflect it with humor. (I know I'm changing tenses, sorry) But a doctor said that to me! A freaking doctor.

I'd be blind not to recognize how bright and eloquent and sensitive the people are in here. So most of the time you are sitting across from someone that you are just as smart as, or smarter than, as they judge you. Why try to tell them the truth?

I only have one I can be honest with, but I know I can cry and scream ad curse and rage and she is always calm and caring and stays with me every step of the way.

I think I need to call the crisis line. I started hallucinating again today.

Usually when people ask me how I'm doing lately, if it's someone other than my husband, close friend or family member, I'll say, "I'm hangin' in there." What's really on my mind is "I'm severely depressed." I'm at the point where I don't even try very hard anymore to appear normal. I'm very depressed, and I'm sure I appear as such. I am an attorney who's unemployed and very low functioning at the moment.

There's another exception too: I always tell me T and pdoc exactly how I'm doing. I see no point in being anything other than honest about it, so they can treat me accordingly.

[duncanidahoe]

This "normal" mask made my life h**l. I wish I had been able to tell people how I was feeling. I felt like s**t all the time and no one seemed to care. I still don't know how to deal with it. My fiance yells at me about all kinds of stuff and she knows I'm bipolar. It would be nice if someone could walk in my shoes for a day.

[Nightside of Eden]

I'm another who has hidden so long I don't really know how to stop. I can't seem to stop myself from lying and saying I'm fine, no matter how hard I try or wish I could be more honest.

[unlockingsanity]

I have weekly therapy and it's hard to even get out of that pretend-everything-is-fine every single week. I mean, hello - wouldn't be going if there wasn't an issue, but I still feel awkward about sharing. This is after years of therapy

[sui generis]

@ Trippin2.0, I was going to quote your post but then I realised I'd have to quote the whole thing haha! It's really on point and helpful and I totaaaally get the using humour as a coping mechanism thing. Even if I'm at my worst I do that.

I can be semi-honest with my family and certain friends, but other friends not so much. They just end up acting really weird around me

Another reason I don't feel comfortable opening up is because I had a bad experience with a counsellor years ago who I really trusted. Basically I wrote out how I was really feeling and he just looked at me and asked "is this a story?". He didn't believe me because I really do look fine on the outside =\

Originally Posted by Tea&Sympathy

I'd be blind not to recognize how bright and eloquent and sensitive the people are in here. So most of the time you are sitting across from someone that you are just as smart as, or smarter than, as they judge you. Why try to tell them the truth?

ha-ha not gonna lie I've had that experience too, mostly with school/uni counsellors and I've definitely been more intelligent and they just did.not.get.me at all. It was a struggle not to eye-roll during the entire session while they surmised I was just "going through a phase" and actually there was nothing really wrong with me and, I quote "that's just anxiety, no big deal". I tried telling a uni counsellor a year ago about my hypomanic symptoms (this was before I was diagnosed with BDII, I wasn't saying I had bipolar but I was concerned and wanted to look into the possibility of it) and she's just like nope, and you're not that depressed either. This was after I explained I'm actually more depressed than I look and I can hide things very well and she STILL looked at me incredulously. FUUUUUUUU.

Originally Posted by newgal2

There's another exception too: I always tell me T and pdoc exactly how I'm doing. I see no point in being anything other than honest about it, so they can treat me accordingly.

I desperately need to do this, I just wish my mind would stop drawing a blank every single time

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

I have weekly therapy and it's hard to even get out of that pretend-everything-is-fine every single week. I mean, hello - wouldn't be going if there wasn't an issue, but I still feel awkward about sharing. This is after years of therapy

I've seen so many people and have had such difficulty with this over the years. I hate when I first walk in and they ask how you are, because of course I'm going to say "fine" because that's the polite thing to do haha. That's just culturally ingrained stuff though...

I think it just comes down to trust. I don't trust whoever I'm seeing to not disbelieve me/ invalidate my issues and feelings etc. Also I always feel so much anxiety when I go I end up feeling numb

wow that was a lot, sorry for the word vomit guys ha-ha

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

I have weekly therapy and it's hard to even get out of that pretend-everything-is-fine every single week. I mean, hello - wouldn't be going if there wasn't an issue, but I still feel awkward about sharing. This is after years of therapy

I got thrown out of two programs for that! They said I wasn't doing anything to help myself because I wouldn't use the groups for therApy. And I WANTED to...it would be like a vise would come up and choke me when I tried. I'm better at it now but still pretend around family. Trying to be honest with hubby is really difficult. But he deserves the truth...I don't want to end in hospital for the seriously humiliating number of times....

[ceejae]

I definitely hide it most of the time.

[Twigs92]

All the time, only my sister really knows when something is wrong, and my mum. Its a nightmare as I'm really high functioning, if I miss anything no matter how bad, or up I feel it's normally a sign I'm not doing well. Because of that thought most people don't believe I'm ill because I internalise a lot of what I want to say. It's only when I'm really elevated and angry or euphoric that I can't filter what I say/do. So I'll appear normal, or a bit quiet and inside I'll want to be lying in my bed hiding from people, or leaving somewhere on a train, or SI, etc.

I was always paranoid about how high functioning I was, reading this and seeing others are like that makes me feel a bit better.

I think the best way to tell a therapist about "hiding" is to say the very words..."This is hard to talk about, but I think I am hiding some of the things I'm feeling..."

[sui generis]

Originally Posted by Sister Rags

I think the best way to tell a therapist about "hiding" is to say the very words..."This is hard to talk about, but I think I am hiding some of the things I'm feeling..."

I said in another post on this thread that that's hard to do because they tend to not believe me... But I think I will try and push through that fear and do it anyway *fingers crossed*

Originally Posted by Twigs92

All the time, only my sister really knows when something is wrong, and my mum. Its a nightmare as I'm really high functioning, if I miss anything no matter how bad, or up I feel it's normally a sign I'm not doing well. Because of that thought most people don't believe I'm ill because I internalise a lot of what I want to say. It's only when I'm really elevated and angry or euphoric that I can't filter what I say/do. So I'll appear normal, or a bit quiet and inside I'll want to be lying in my bed hiding from people, or leaving somewhere on a train, or SI, etc.

I was always paranoid about how high functioning I was, reading this and seeing others are like that makes me feel a bit better.

Yaaaassss! Feeling you on this, not much to add except I really relate to what you wrote Ha-ha my mum and sisters are also the ones to recognise somethings not up most of the time too. I guess because I live with them some stuff will come up unintentionally.

Yes I am the same, I always say "It's time to hide behind the mask"

[PoorPrincess]

Don't we all? . . . Put on that SmileyFace and fake it as little as will get me by.
Yet I have not presented to my T that way. She gets paid to listen and to help me.

[almondjoy]

Wow, I didn't realise how many other people also live life wearing a 'mask'. That actually makes me feel a bit better - you're definitely not alone (or should I be saying, I'm definitely not alone, aha)....