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#1
Jul 17, 2014, 11:15 PM
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The last time I saw my pdoc I told her that I wanted to come off Saphris, and she gave me a long lecture about why she is sure that is a bad idea. One of the things she said is that I have a responsibility to stay well because I work with patients (I'm a nurse). I get that, and I only want to practice and be around patients when I am of sound mind and capable of working safely. But that seems like an unfair argument to keep me on a med that I don't want to take. She knows it's a sensitive topic for me because I take my nursing very seriously, and I am already being monitored for my mental health as a condition of keeping my license. But it seems so unfair that I should have to take a medication that I don't want to take out of a responsibility to stay well. I'm willing to take a risk, and I just want to be the patient and not the nurse when I talk to her. I would take time off if I get sick, I would do that even if it wasn't mandatory. And I have pretty good insight into how I'm doing usually. So does what she said seem fair, or does it seem like a massive guilt trip? Because it seems like a guilt trip. I know there are sacrifices to be in a trusted position as a nurse, but there is a limit as to what is fair. I saw my T today, and he said he'll refer me to a homeopath to come off meds, but I have to wait 10 months until I am no longer being monitored first. I'm so frustrated. I just want my life back. I don't even care if I get sick again. I just want my freedom, and I want my mental health treatment to be separate from my career.
Maybe I should just quit nursing and then I won't have to deal with any of this anymore. But I don't know what else I would do. I have a master's of nursing, so that's 6 years of university, and I'm not qualified to do anything else. I guess I could go back to school, but I don't even know what I would study, and I'm 37, which is too old to start again. I just want all of the coercion to stop.
__________________
"Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?" "Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me. Those feel they're touched my madness, sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me." |
 BipolaRNurse, Capriciousness, cashart10, pawn78, Skitz13, wildflowerchild25
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#2
Jul 17, 2014, 11:18 PM
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Patience, honey, patience. I empathize with your frustration. I really do, but you need to take your time and think all this through.
__________________
Bipolar 1 ~ 300mg Lamictal, 4mg Ativan
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#3
Jul 17, 2014, 11:21 PM
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It's always your choice, but I know that if I want what I consider to be "freedom" I will stay on my meds. When I'm locked up in a hospital, I am definitely not what I would consider free, and that happens less often when I take meds.
Where is this desire to be off meds coming from? Is it logical? Will you really be more "free" off the meds, or will your symptoms limit you? Can you wait the 10 months to try to go off meds safely and with support? Are you unsatisfied with your job/don't mind risking losing it?
__________________
Bipolar I with psychotic features/GAD/Transgender (male pronouns please) Seroquel/Abilify/Risperidone/Testosterone My Bipolar Poetry Anthology Underneath this skin there's a human Buried deep within there's a human And despite everything I'm still human I think that I'm still human |
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#4
Jul 17, 2014, 11:24 PM
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Please don't quit your job. In my last manic episode, I sold off my own business... for almost nothing, and at the time it seemed like a great idea. I am fine with the way things worked out, but deep inside I still kick myself, because I threw away a business that I invested a huge amount of energy to build.
__________________
Bipolar 1 ~ 300mg Lamictal, 4mg Ativan
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#5
Jul 17, 2014, 11:58 PM
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Quote:
I love my job and being a nurse, but maybe I could find something else I would enjoy with less responsibility. I don't know, I'm too scared to do anything other than complain. I have so much to loose if I mess up. I will probably just continue to comply because I have enough inertia that it is easiest just to continue, But this isn't good enough in the long run. Maybe stable isn't my goal.
__________________
"Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?" "Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me. Those feel they're touched my madness, sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me." |
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#6
Jul 18, 2014, 12:00 AM
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Just remember you have a referral to a homeopath waiting for you in 10 months that is willing to help you get off meds safely if you want to try that. If you can hang on that long, it's probably your best bet to get to a sustainable spot without meds.
__________________
Bipolar I with psychotic features/GAD/Transgender (male pronouns please) Seroquel/Abilify/Risperidone/Testosterone My Bipolar Poetry Anthology Underneath this skin there's a human Buried deep within there's a human And despite everything I'm still human I think that I'm still human |
 Curiosity77
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#7
Jul 18, 2014, 04:19 PM
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I understand your frustration about the entire situation ! Being watched and having to jump through all the hoops they hold up for you .. flat out sucks ! You love nursing .. I dont think you would be happy walking away from your job .. You love to help people and you are good at it .
10 months sounds like a life time but it will pass quickly ... Then you can do whatever you want to deal with your BP and it will be your choice .. Im so sorry your having to struggle with all this 
__________________
Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
| Curiosity77
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#8
Jul 18, 2014, 05:54 PM
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I love my job and being a nurse, but maybe I could find something else I would enjoy with less responsibility. I don't know, I'm too scared to do anything other than complain. I have so much to loose if I mess up. I will probably just continue to comply because I have enough inertia that it is easiest just to continue, But this isn't good enough in the long run. Maybe stable isn't my goal.
This is a very insightful paragraph. Personally, I think looking for a less responsible job may be a good idea.
__________________
Bipolar II and GAD Venlafaxine, Lamotragine, Buspirone, Risperidone |
| Curiosity77
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#9
Jul 18, 2014, 11:46 PM
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Thirty-seven is NOT too old to start over!! I'm a whole generation older than you and I'm having to start over too---not an easy thing at my age. But I know I'm unsafe at any speed---I can't hold peoples' lives in my hands anymore and I'm looking for something with much less responsibility than nursing.
That being said, I suspect it's not yet that time for you. You are straining against your restrictions, and that's a normal response to the situation. You've already gone through the longest part of your monitoring time, and all that stands between you and "freedom", as you consider it to be, is 10 months. Not even a year. It'll go by before you know it, and THEN you can do whatever you want to do as far as meds go. I'm not sure what your objection to Saphris is? I worry about your wanting to feel 'intensity', sometimes that is a sign of incipient mania. I know the feeling all too well though.....there are times I just want to cut loose and have myself a nice spell of hypomania. I'm miss it. I'm overdue for it! But I also know that my hypomanias don't usually stop there---they proceed to full-blown mania and that's when things get ugly. Stability really is best. Think about it. 
__________________
DX: Bipolar 1 Anxiety Tardive dyskinesia Mild cognitive impairment RX: Celexa 20 mg Gabapentin 1200 mg Geodon 40 mg AM, 60 mg PM Klonopin 0.5 mg PRN Lamictal 500 mg Levothyroxine 125 mcg (rx'd for depression) Trazodone 150 mg Zyprexa 7.5 mg Please come visit me @ http://bpnurse.com |
| Curiosity77
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#10
Jul 19, 2014, 12:22 AM
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I am almost 33, and about to start my second year of a brand new bachelor's degree in Music Therapy. It's never too late to start over! I know the sense of having a responsibility to stay (or in my case, get) well. I'm a mom to 3 kids between the ages of 2 and 11. They need Mom to be healthy. So I take my meds.
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| Curiosity77
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#11
Jul 19, 2014, 12:44 AM
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I totally get it. I refuse to take any meds that will totally squash my mania. Depakote, APs, lithium, etc. hell with that!!!
This is my life and I want to feel AWESOME as much as possible!!! Of course, Cur77 is in a unique pinch, and compliance is most likely the best decision for the next 10 months... I'd still want to find a different doctor after that though. I can't stand pull-pushers.
__________________
Bipolar 1 ~ 300mg Lamictal, 4mg Ativan
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| Curiosity77
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#12
Jul 19, 2014, 01:18 AM
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Even though you have to take it keep voicing your concerns. Write them down. Just because you have restrictions shouldn't mean you have no say.
__________________
Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog |
| Curiosity77
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#13
Jul 19, 2014, 03:46 AM
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Thanks everyone. I'm feeling a little less frustrated today. I saw my therapist yesterday, and talking to him got me all upset about my powerlessness again. I don't want to give up nursing, and i'm 3/4 way through monitoring, so i know i just need to be patient for a little while more. Just feels like i am suffocating under all the control.
Maybe i do need a new pdoc when this is over. I'm scared to start again with someone new... At least i know what to expect from her. But she is really a pill pusher. I am not against meds. I think i need meds, i just don't want to be on an AP. Ideally i'd like to be on just lamotrigine. Saphris has helped, but i don't think i need something so heavy now. Maybe i do need it, i'm not sure, but i'd like to have a try at getting off it so i get all my feelings back. I just feel so stifled, but i also want off as a way of asserting myself in this crazy situation. I know that hypomania never leads anywhere good... but it is so alluring. I wish there was some way to get hypo without totally loosing control. I feel like i am beating my head against a wall trying to get my brain chemistry right. So i should probably just do what i'm supposed to and suck it up for now. I'm going to Burning Man at the end of August, and i'm considering trying to stop the saphris before that so i'll be off it for the trip. I know that is dangerous, and i'm probably not going to do it, but it is pretty tempting. I should really try to be more grateful for the good things in my life, and stop taking unnecessary risks. I know what the right thing to do here is, but it's not what i want. I'm sure i'll figure it out, i always do, but the process is so difficult. I'm in an existential dilemma i guess... Trying to make sense of who i am and everything that has happened. I don't even know, i probably need all these meds, but i don't want them. I don't want to be responsible. Just trying to live without fear. I've been chasing adrenaline, doing some risky stuff, but i still feel nothing. I'm probably just rambling here, and it probably doesn't even make any sense.
__________________
"Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?" "Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me. Those feel they're touched my madness, sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me." |
| BipolaRNurse, Skitz13
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| Skitz13
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#14
Jul 19, 2014, 03:46 AM
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Quote:
Also, I support your decision to use homeopathic services in order to manage. I'm halfway there now and the difference in treatment is amazing.
__________________
The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow Don't give up |
| Curiosity77
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#15
Jul 19, 2014, 04:16 AM
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You been complaining about perpetual boredom a lot. That is not stable. It sounds as bit overmedicated... not to make you paranoid, but I would think that if anybody is monitored and in mandated treatment... many doctors would rather throw an extra pill on them to cover their aszes.
But I would wait for now and use the ten months you have left to build up inventory of coping skills, so you would be able to handle any potentional intensity and then you can experiment slowly and carefully. Until then don't put your career on risk needlessly. Ten months is nothing compared to history. Or even to a lifetime. I mean, you survived four years of high school  (sorry, just trying to make a joke).
__________________
Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE |
| Curiosity77
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#16
Jul 19, 2014, 12:48 PM
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Thanks everyone. I feel a little silly for complaining about this stuff. My problems could be so much worse. I appreciate all the input. I'm going to stick with the meds and monitoring for now. Hopefully it will be a fast 10 months.
__________________
"Does the body rule the mind, or does the mind rule the body?" "Those who feel the breath of sadness, sit down next to me. Those feel they're touched my madness, sit down next to me. Those who find themselves ridiculous, sit down next to me." |
| BipolaRNurse
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#17
Jul 19, 2014, 02:36 PM
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Quote:
to you.
__________________
DX: Bipolar 1 Anxiety Tardive dyskinesia Mild cognitive impairment RX: Celexa 20 mg Gabapentin 1200 mg Geodon 40 mg AM, 60 mg PM Klonopin 0.5 mg PRN Lamictal 500 mg Levothyroxine 125 mcg (rx'd for depression) Trazodone 150 mg Zyprexa 7.5 mg Please come visit me @ http://bpnurse.com |
| Curiosity77
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#18
Jul 19, 2014, 06:38 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
| Curiosity77
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#19
Jul 20, 2014, 11:46 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Bipolar II and GAD Venlafaxine, Lamotragine, Buspirone, Risperidone |
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#20
Jul 20, 2014, 12:08 PM
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Quote:
May I make a suggestion? Hold off on any life changing decisions. (your career), until you have finished monitoring and feel you have more say in your treatment. I think you will gain a better perspective on things.
__________________
The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow Don't give up |
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