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Hello guys.

I'm struggling again. This time, though, it's worse than it's been for over two years. I'm really not sure of how to write this because I just can't find it in myself to control my thought process and the words in my head are floating around and they all branch off to different sentences. Really I'm just unable to finish an entire sentence without wanting to scream, stamp my feet and run away just inside my head - writing it down or saying it aloud is almost an impossibility.

My eyes keep filling with tears but I can't find it in myself to cry. I think crying might help a little but there's nothing coming out. It's almost as though the despair is nearly equal to the contradictory numb feeling coexisting with the loss of hope or vision of a future.

I got a job a couple of months ago. After being discharged from the mental health team back to the care of my GP and being stable unmedicated for some time, I believed that this time it would be different - that is, I'd be able to stay in the job for longer than a couple of months. Working is difficult. I enjoy my new job (most of the time) and made a few social connections to the point of attending the staff Christmas party last weekend. I mostly want to stay working there but it's not that straightforward. It's never straightforward. Bear with me, I'm struggling to carry on typing. Even that feels a chore right now, and I normally love blogging, writing and the feel of the cold plastic keys beneath my fingers. Not today. Not for a few days.

Basically, I'm on a disability benefit called Employment and Support Allowance. Under the benefit rules, I'm allowed to do Permitted Work - upto 15.5 hours per week. That's what I've been doing. My minimum contract is 6.5 hours. However, after next week I've been given 34 hours. After that, the amount of hours I get go back down. So I'd be going over the limit for a couple of weeks which means my benefit will be stopped. And then when my hours go back to normal, I'll be without benefit and without enough hours to afford to live.

One part of my mind says to forfeit the benefit but really, that's not ideal. Sure it's experience and a reference which I desperately need for the future. But I'm not sure I have the stability for that much work a week. In fact, I struggle even with 10 hours a week. But that's not, I want to stay. But staying is risky. Going is risky. I'm so lost and alone with this choice.

But really it's completely irrelevant. Stay or go. What's the point? I'm not happy where I am. I don't want to be here; be this person. I want to do something I truly enjoy. My life seems to be irreparably ruined. Just the huge mess of a situation I'm in. I want to run away. Maybe not wake up in the morning.

I keep meaning to make a doctor's appointment to get my meds looked at, but I have to be up before 9am for that. I've started sleeping most of the day again. Anything but get out of bed and face life. It's just all horrible. Sickening. I'm stuck. Help? What is the help? Stabilise my moods again? Then what? I'm still stuck being a failure. Stuck with the prospect of just being somewhere I don't want to be. Is it too much to ask to be able to follow my dreams?

Nobody in my life right now can help. I'm not even alone in a physical sense. I'm just alone because nobody can help me now. What can anyone do?

The suicidal thoughts are almost constant because I feel like the situation I'm in is inescapable. I feel trapped in my OWN life! The choices I can make are all losing choices and there's nothing I can do to fix it all.

"Is anyone out there? I need your help. Somebody that can help me." I don't know if there is.

RB hang in there, I'm working on a response, I need to line my ducks in a row, so it will make sense.

Hello guys.

RB, I'm so sorry your back in this spot. I really was worried when they discharged you. Can you call your GP tomorrow first thing? So that they can schedule you for a time that you'll be awake. Are you taking any medication right now? Just because things didn't work this time it doesn't mean they wont later but right now you need a break. Can you tell them you can only work 10 hrs? If they cant accommodate tell them you'll be leaving x day. I don't think it's a good idea to loose Employment and Support Allowance at a time your unstable.
What is you dream job?
What can anyone do? We can listen and be therefore you.

Please see your P.doc right away.

We are here to listen, and we hear your pain.

Call your doctor, tell him/her that you have an emergency

It's a tough spot you're in. You're young so you want to experience life and participate and have a career. But you've also got to cope with bipolar. I agree that you should ask to work only the hours allowed by your benefits and quit if they can't accomodate you. Steady income is really important to help achieve stability. It's been the greatest single factor in my recovery. Best of luck, you're an excellent writer despite your distress, very apt and bright from the sounds of it. There will be other opportunities!

damn guy ..........i know alot of the feelings dealing with them myself for other reason

i can help tho with some of it
your job when u filled out the app for it u wrote in that u can only work so many hours a week correct ?...........if so u can go to the human resource person for your place (normally in charge of work time tables) and tell them u are not able to do this ......when i was hired i listed what i can do ...doing this would break a agreement with Employment and Support Allowance ppl ........u need to rework it please

the app u filed with the hours u can work is a contract they hired u based on that info they are altering the contract effecting other aspects of life and money ......they can not do that too u .........my father works part time and gets SS for being over 65 if he works more then 24 hours a week the SS payments are reduced so he has had this fight with them

so talk to the lady/guy about it and u should be more then ok will not lose anything

but they are right call the doctor if u are in this much pain .........heck go to the ER and tell them in mental crisis if really bad no shame in it what they are there for .......plus u get to ppl watch and in the end of that u do not look so crazy or hopeless as the guy strapped to the bed biting the air or screaming about something

as for dreams i have had every single one of mine crushed .........i have not figured out any answers to share with u on that ..........but their is always a answer just have to figure it out

I know how it feels. Your post made me not feel quite so alone because I can relate to everything you are saying. I am looking for the same answers.

I don't know how to help, but I know how painful it is to feel trapped in your own life and in a situation that seems irreparable and hopeless. It is so hard to talk to people about it when no one can do anything to fix it. Working to get meds right on top of everything is a long grueling process.

I hope you feel better even just for a few hours.

I am reminding myself to be patient and learn resilience. It's all we can do.

Well , Once again Bipolar has raised its ugly head and slapped you down

You in a tough spot, personally you need the benefits more than the one week of 34 hours that honestly is doubtful you could even manage to get through. Work needs to cut you back to what you are able to do and if not then it's time to find something new,better, more in tune with something that will feed your desire for something that you will enjoy and not just muddle through because you need/have too.

You have been in the lousy spot before, when your "in it" its hard to see that it indeed will turn around. Bipolar blindness I call it. It just flat sucks.

Right now you need to take the first step... Call your Doctor, medications put your back on stable ground in the past , tweeked here and there when needed but your feet were on the ground .

I feel for you, I really do. Your young and wondering about your future and how to find what you want and need , the struggle to get there. It's an over whelming mountain with no clear path to even start on. Your suicidal thinking is what it is, a cry for help. Its Bipolar lying and twisting your thoughts into dark ugly places.

Call your Doctor.. Go see him... Give yourself time, time to allow the monster to shrink back down to that manageable size that you can look at and go about your day , your life.

When was the last time you did something nice for yourself ? A movie? a book? a favorite food? A special anything? That is when Bipolar takes over the controls, when you stop being good to yourself. So now you need to reverse, go back to the self care and rewarding yourself for doing well and taking care of mind body and soul.

RB you can do this, you are stronger than you think right now, you looking thru dark sunglasses in the dead of night. not reality of what is possible. We all get thrashed around the Bipolar monster machine and spit out the other side. Each time we think we lose more of ourselves, but the truth is we learn more about ourselves.

I actually remember your first post here. You were like most all of us , stumble upon PC and give it a whirl, You have been a mess and then back on your feet, I'm sure you remember seeing me down and out and you cheered me on. Bipolar Cycles , its the way it goes.

Call your Doctor, drag yourself in if you must to the appointment. You know what meds helped and didnt help in the past , this is the knowledge you didnt have in the past, now you do. Use it, give yourself time to pull yourself back in one piece. You owe yourself that much. You will find that span of time that you are going to be stable and will see a future and the kind of life you want, you can get there. No one has ugly cycles forever.

(((RB)))

I set about 8 alarms for this morning so that I could call and make an appointment before the 9am cut off. Not one of them managed to get me to make the call, and I repeatedly went straight back to sleep. I didn't get out of bed until about 2:30 this afternoon.

I did call, and tried to get an emergency appointment but apparently it wasn't an emergency (though all I said was that I need my medication sorting and I don't think she even bothered to look at my medical notes - the receptionists at the local doctor surgery are notoriously useless and miserable). She told me to get an appointment for tomorrow, I said I have work, she said that's not her problem. So I've got an appointment at 9.30 tomorrow morning, a couple of hours before work, with a doctor I've never heard of before.

Its partly my fault for not mentioning the suicidal thoughts or the fact that I haven't stepped outside the house since work yesterday, or my relapse into harmful behaviours that I normally wouldn't consider (I started smoking again today, for the first time in four months and I didn't even think about it).

I can't handle work tomorrow but I'm going to have to force myself so that I can hand my notice in, because they're not being very flexible with my hours as I'm contracted to work as much as they want me to and as little as 6.5 hours. It's a big choice and I'm disappointed in myself and so are my family. Failure once again.

So I've got to try and explain my entire medical history and the situation I've been in for the past few months, along with try and get my medication sorted out, all in the 10 minute appointment time allocated to each patient. Why the heck did I agree to being discharged? Stupid.

As it's almost a two hour commute to work and my appointment would make me late, I have to pay for a taxi and I'm already in a dire financial situation right now.

Going to be a very merry Christmas!

I don't have any great advice to give but hang in there Resident Bipolar. Being depressed is an awful place to be in so I really feel for you. As it has been said, bipolar cycles so this will not last forever. Your brain can't think straight right now so try not to believe all the negative things it is telling you. I wish you all the best with your doctors appointment. Take care.

I've been where you are right now, and recently too (spent a week in the hospital last month for suicidal ideation). I hear your pain and frustration, and all I can say is PLEASE take care of yourself. If you don't, who will? And feel free to vent to us anytime, it's what we're all here for!

GUY

go to the ER and tell them u are in mental Crisis

u are in the hospital ........your job is safe.......medical need ...hospital has u covered they will have paperwork out the yin yang for u to show the boss

really man u are this bad it is going to cost u that much and still have stress about it ........that is what the ER is for
i am personally thinking about going myself for some of the same issuse i just hate to mess up my family x-mas worrying about me is what is stopping me

Just go man it will solve the problems at hand and give u 48 72 hours to get head on strait and feeling better

I saw the doctor today. She was a locum. Quite nice. She referred me back to CMHT which should help. Losing hope though.

Also spoke to a manager. "You can't have your cake and eat it" is what she said. Horrible. But surely putting me on a 6.5hr contract so they don't have to give me many hours and then expecting expecting me to immediately work 35 because they want me too is actually them having their cake and eating it?

In the end I've got my hours set to 15 weekly maximum. But I still want to leave. I just can't stand it there. But everyone wants me to stay. I just cant. I dread waking up and being faced with that place.

I am glad you got in to the Doctor , Happy your heading back to CMHT..

I'm proud you did this , it took a lot of courage

Hoping for some relief for you on the horizon.

I hope cmth works fast for you.

Hey, RB!
Well, Christina wrote such a great post, all I can really do is say, "yeah, what she said!"
I can't write much because I've been up for 40 hours (not on purpose, and not likely an upswing, as energy is seriously lacking…) zombie-ing on with way too many things I'm "supposed" to be doing right now (and getting The Eyeball ) But something told me to check in, and now see, here is why!

Not many words, but know that I am cheering you on, and know you can get through the current mire. You can. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for.

Sending lots of good thoughts your way, RB!

I can relate to only being allowed to work a few hours each week and trying to get that reliably, it can be real tough. I live on a small benefit and try to supplement that with part time work to make enough to live. You need the money to live, but it always seems to little which leads to money stress or too much which leads to work stress (read overwhelmed) and benefits complications.

You're taking some really positive steps and hopefully you can get the help your looking for. You are making good progress and putting things in place to succeed. Look after yourself first, work worries will always be about, you have to make sure your always about

Hoping your feeling better soon.

How are you doing, RB?

This might be a longish one, IZ. Not sure how I'll cope with replying because I've been awake for around 20 hours now and I'm ever so tired but don't really want to go to bed, at the same time as wanting to go to bed. Really, I'm feeling pretty awful. Perhaps I'm more isolated than ever and I can't stop worrying about the future (or my lack of having one) and my current financial situation.

What makes matters worse is my partner is having to see the doctor tomorrow for suspected mental health issues. I've always known he's very anxious - I often have to make phone calls for him, get bits from the shop for him and try to encourage him to get some help (unsucessfully). He never used to be like it though, it seemed to develop and gradually get worse around half a year or so ago. It's more like PTSD to me than anything, though the diagnoses the doctor is considering is along the lines of Generalised Anxiety Disorder and/or social anxiety. Once again, it's a pretty new development. Not brand new but he certainly didn't used to be like it. I'm hoping treatment works because I feel as though the person I love is slowly slipping away but worse, I'm in no place to be supportive to him right now.

His mum intervened today, and quit his job for him for health reasons. He's been happy there for a while but the prospect of going into work started making him depressed around the time his mum got unfairly dismissed from the same place. From what I heard, it isn't a nice environment and professionalism is something to be desired. I'm also struggling with work and I wish I ccould leave but my family are relying on me and I know that that won't be the resolve to my issues (not even close). I'm fed up in general and frankly I don't know what the CMHT can do for me the more and more I think about it. Always going to be screwed career wise and happiness wise for the rest of my life. The rollercoaster isn't even slightly enjoyable anymore, not even when I get a touch of hypomania.

Really I don't want to wake up in the mornings. There's too much to stress and be dismayed about. I suppose I don't have much to wake up for, or much to live for in fact. I'm just ticking away until I expire at the moment - whether that's in the near future or in 60 years time, childless and alone. Im sick of the noise, stress, boredom and contradictory never ending list of things I need to do. Managed to do some studying for my exams in March: 10 minutes worth.

Haven't heard anything else in regards to CMHT but I'm supposed to phone on Friday to check on the progress. Don't really see the point. I'm betting it'll take months to sort things out and I'm not sure I'll be breathing by then. Not sure if thats what I'm hoping, planning or merely considering as a possibility.

A positive (also a negative I suppose) is that I don't often get the eyes anymore. I'm always a few hours going to bed after the other half. I prefer the quiet and isolation I get at night. Gives me a chance to try to process these thoughts. Plus, getting into bed horrifies me. That's TOO much time to think - waiting for hours to fall asleep while lying in darkness with my eyes closed. Sleeping is another thing I'm not great at doing, except for when I shouldn't be doing it. Need a Quetiapine top up too. I don't like the side effects the next day though. I can always still feel it in the morning. The energy to clean up is also something I do not posess, therefore I delay having to do it as much as possible which means a late night.

Right now, PC is the only place I can turn to. Even if it's just to ramble and try and get some of the crap out of my head and onto white space. I can type for England, it seems.

But as usual IZ, seeing your posts always puts a smile on my face.
Hope all is well

TL;DR Not great

Nearly forgot to say, because he's quit his job, we need to sort out some sort of financial help. My sickness benefit is due for a review in February so I have an impending sense of doom for that. Not sure I can handle it this time, which is why having a social worker again would be an enormous help. I'm done with crying down the phone to the benefits office because they've made a ridiculous demand of me that I simply cannot meet.

For now I'm going to support my partner financially as I'm in a better place money-wise at the moment, that probably won't last long. My GP only advised to go back onto my sickness benefit about a month ago (I went off it for a while but reclaimed fast enough for it not to be reassessed and ghetto February review date to remain the same) so I'm hoping he'll be helpful enough to assist with the review when the time comes.

So much to worry about, so little energy to do the worrying.

RB
You sure do have a lot on your plate right now. I can relate insofar as having a lot of stress and chaos in many of the very same areas. The biggest challenge is trying not to ruminate and project the future. Because when not in a good place, those projections are going to look pretty bleak. BUT. In such times our thinking gets distorted. I know how hard it is to believe such a thing at the time because it feels so VERY logical and obvious. I know that I don't(!) More like, "yeah, right" (roll eyes and think… You don't get it. I do see, and know this is how it will be.)

Despite how stubborn I, myself, am with doing that very thing (and in spades), I'm still going to say to you that it won't be all darkness and bad outcomes. Yes, that kind of makes me a hypocrite, but it's what we have to do for each other -- fellow BPers who really do get it -- taking turns accordingly with where we are on the wheel, reminding each other that it won't always be that way. There is a way through and there are good things that can happen. And they don't just happen for other people, that they can, and will, for YOU, too. It sucks when we can't see it for ourselves, so we just have to trust and remember that these aren't just Sparky McSunshines saying this. (Heh. Just made that name up, hope you like it. You know the type though…. never been through hell and back… and think everything is glittered unicorns….), It's Our People.

I've been holding pretty steady over here, but still battling bouts of seriously negative rumination. The worst and hopelessness of everything. It just loops over and over. And over. They say to try to think of what you'd say if a friend were in your place. Because I hear a lot of myself in what you say, I will think of you, ok? I can see the lines of thinking when you are saying it that I can't really see (or believe, more like) of my own thinking, even though it is like a mirror(!) Is this making any sense? You can do that too if you like. IZ rumination all falls under that which would bring on a response of "ye gawds!" if that is any help. You'd see the thought lines in an instant.

as always...

(I have to ask -- what is TL;DR? It's the second time I've seen it, and the first time, I thought they'd made a typo, but now realize it is something. Question is… what? )

It means "too long; didn't read". People may put it when replying to a long post or someone writing a long post might put it at the end to summarise the contents to readers that may not have the time/wish to read the entire post.

My partners grandad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly this morning. Anything else want to go wrong? Understandably everyone is heartbroken. Think I'll be taking tomorrow off work to support him and to get some peace myself.

so sorry, please take time to take care of yourself.....