Need to Vent

I just need to vent, and this seems like a great place to do it anonymously. Maybe you all can impart your collective wisdom as well. Sorry if this is long, but NOBODY has ever heard this before...

Background
I used to be a "normal" kid. Then, when I was about 16 years old, I suddenly became horrifically depressed. Like many, I felt everything was pointless/hopeless, and I pretty much gave up on the world. I felt miserable, and I became irritable because I blamed everyone else. Eventually, after getting into arguments with teachers (I kept telling them to %#@&#! off) my parents brought me to a psychologist. However, I refused to return after two brief visits, because I thought the problem was with everyone else. I was never really suicidal or anything, I was just impartial. Living was simply hell on earth, and dying would be taking the easy way out. Neither one seemed all that appealing. All I could think about each day was how miserable I felt.

After a couple of months, the depression eased, but it didn't disappear. It was at this point that I realized something wasn't quite right with me. (Seems obvious in hindsight!) I tried my best to "snap out of it," but that definitely didn't happen.

Then I went to college. I guess it was enough of a shock because I snapped out of the depression and went back to normal.

I thought everything was better, BUT then the insomnia hit me. (after 2 months of a normal mood) For a week, I was up till 4:00 am every night. I expected to feel like crap, but I felt great. I started reading about quantum physics working out, drinking more alcohol, and doing all sorts of other atypical things. I also dropped my friends in favor of a new, more outgoing group because the old group was boring.

Of course, I didn't realize anything was out of the ordinary then either. But I distinctly remember thinking, "how could I EVER have been depressed? Man, I'm like the opposite of depressed now. Thank goodness I'll never be depressed again." Needless to say, I was feeling pretty good.

Awhile later, I took an intro to psychology class which mentioned bipolar disorder. I realize people have a tendency to self-diagnoses themselves, but i was pretty sure I had been both manic and depressed. Shortly thereafter, I changed my major to Psychology for various reasons. (not JUST because of this)

Ever since I was 16, I've had varying periods of depression (much milder than the first though) and hypomania. And a LOT of insomina (weeks at a time). Eventually, I went to the counseling center with a complaint of insomnia. They pretty much rejected me because I wanted to be a clinical psychologist. So, I took it upon myself to learn CBT coping methods.

Since then (that was years ago), I've come a long way. I've learned to channel my energy into positive tasks, and I've learned to avoid hostility (this was huge). I still become depressed / hypomanic, but I'm never really out of control. If I'm depressed, I don't blame others and I understand that things will get better even if it doesn't seem that way. Most importantly, I've been able to carry on my job and schoolwork without too much of a problem. (When I was depressed the first time, both suffered)

I'm perfectly happy the way I am. Sure, the depression really sucks sometimes, but it's nothing I can't handle.

The Problem
While I may have accepted my nature, I find that I'm always emotionally hurting my friends. Whenever I become depressed, I isolate myself from my friends. I stop answering my phone, and I avoid contact with them too. I try to hang out sometimes, but it feels like so much work it leaves me exhausted. Plus, I totally lose my sense of humor. This makes me feel horrible!

My friends just see me in one light, and they really don't understand me or why I change. Furthermore, I can't explain it to them. If I were to admit it, it could seriously conflict with my career plan. I usually just say, I'm tired, don't take it personally.

I'm not in a position to even admit the possibility of having BP. If I were to do that, my career goal of becoming a psychologist would certainly be compromised. That's the only goal I really care about too. I've suffered substantially, and I've grown and matured through it. Nobody should have to suffer through depression, and if I can even help one person, it'll be worth it.

Currently, I try to keep my friends very distant; thus, they can't get hurt if they're not close to me in the first place. That's not really a permanent solution though.

I guess I'm not sure what I should do. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. It just feels good to honestly say what I feel even though it's anonymous. Thanks for listening!

I too have pushed all of my friends away but 1. I guess she was the one true friend that did not give up on me or let me push her away. I tried to explain to her the only way I could, what exctly I was going through. Now when she calls and I don't answer she does not take it personally, she gives me space until I am ready to call her back.Sometimes I don't feel like much of a friend to her for not wanting to talk but she seems to understand and she doesn't judge me after. I wish you well!!

<font color="green">Seraph, thanks for sharing this.</font> <font color="purple">I think it's normal for you to isolate from your friends, especially because you are in the field of psychology/mental health. So am I.</font> When I'm depressed I don't want anyone to see it. When I had my first full-blown episode of mania a little over a year ago I felt so alone, especially since I was working towards my M.A. in Counseling and towards licensure and working in a mental health agency. The symptoms of mania came out about 6 months after my pdoc had agreed to let me taper off of the Depakote that I'd been on since 1989 as I felt it was adding to my depression, and just take the Lamictal (100mg b.i.d.) since the Lamictal helped so much with depression and I had never had a manic episode. It became obvious to my co-workers, including my Team Leader, when my speech became rapid and pressured and I was running around happy as a clam. I went out on medical leave (through my primary care doc to avoid having HR or anyone seeing a psychiatrist's name on any documentation).</font> <font color="blue">During this time I felt so horribly alone and was ashamed to tell any of my friend - I isolated. I continued with school though and a classmate of mine, who is also a friend, recognized the symptoms, and then eventually revealed that she, too, has bp d/o but was afraid someone would find out, and thus, her career in counseling would come to a halt. I knew already that one of my co-workers had bp d/o but she was able to manage it. I later found out that another co-worker has bp d/o and has learned to manage it at work - all three of these friends also isolated when depressed</font> <font color="red">but</font> <font color="purple">I no longer felt alone knowing there were others in the field with bp d/o.</font> Unfortunately by the time I was coming down from the highs of mania I went into a "mixed" episode and my mood swings, especially the irritability, became obvious (I had gotten my M.A. by this time, and had gotten a master's level position at the agency). The instability became, especially the irritability, so obvious that I am now out of work on a mandatory leave of absence until I can "prove" myself (i.e. act "<font color="red">normal"</font>). I never showed any symptoms when counseling clients - just the opposite. However, my TL and manager are not convinced and I was sent to their pdoc for a "fit for duty" eval. I had already gone back on Depakote (1500 mg) and my moods started to even out but it was too late. Now, I don't believe I'll ever be able to continue in this profession and am not looking forward about returning to my job (my pdoc feels that I am stable at this point and so do I but there is some "bread-through" irritability that worries me. The stigma of this illness is so great, even to others in this field, that no one with any kind of mental illness wants anyone to ever find out. I don't know what to do about this work situation. I find it easier to isolate when I'm depressed or showing any signs of irritability or mania. In fact, I firmly believe that when I go back to work, that any time I show any sadness or any irritability, that my TL will assume that I am "<font color="green">losing control</font>" again (he doesn't know, I don't think, about my diagnosis but my manager does). Problem here - I cannot stand my TL but have great respect for my manager, so the irritability towards my TL will still require great control). I don't want to return and be made to stay in the office with no contact with clients until I "prove" myself (my clients have suffered because I suddenly "disappeared" and I was working so well with many of them). This is a serious problem in the field of mental health. <font color="blue">I don't want you to give up your dream of becoming a psychologist - ever. Hopefully you'll find others in the same position to talk with. Do you have any professors/other psychologists/students who you trust enough to talk about your diagnosis with?</font> I guess I needed to vent, too. <font color="purple">Please don't give up - you've come to the right place. Welcome. </font> Louise (feel free to send my a pm anytime)

Seraph...

I understand a lot of what you are going through, having been there myself. I've run off lots of friends, family members, etc. over the years. It happens, you do what you can to deal with it.

Don't make the mistake of not admitting that you need help because you could compromise your career goals. I have two examples: first, my ex-wife, who is also BP. She has a job at a major hospital in the Midwest. For years she worked away untreated, just another one of the nurses. After she was Dx'd bipolar, her job performance improved radically, she was given responsibility for a new department which took off incredibly. She went back to school to get her Master's, and she has been invited to present her work in Vienna this summer. Getting treatment has allowed her to reach her potential. Her bosses and co-workers know about her condition and have been very supportive.

Second example: Kay Redfield Jamison. Head of the Department of Psychiatry at Johns Hopkins, mental health advocate and author of several of the very best books on bipolar disorder. She has been bipolar most of her life, but is able to function outstandingly at the very highest levels of the mental health field.

While self-treatment with CBT methods can be helpful (I do some of this myself) it is simply not a replacement for drug and talk therapy. Yeah, it's a pain in the butt, but the results are worth it. If you learn how to stay better, more or less on one level, you will be able to keep your friends AND reach your goals...give it some thought.

Best Wishes,
DJ

<font color="blue">Louise - thanks for sharing your story! I think there are quite a few mental health professionals who suffer from mental illness, but few have the courage to admit it. I'm glad to hear that you're able to fulfill your dreams!

Also, depending on the severity, I don't think BP would prevent anyone from being an outstanding therapist, but as you mentioned, the stigma is astounding. I freely admit that I've been depressed as there is little stigma. Besides, most people view depression as something you recover from (60-70% of the time). On the other hand, people see bipolars as unpredictable - a liability. I don't think that's necessarily true though.</font>

<font color="green">
Davey - the decision to seek out therapy is very complex for me.

First off, I have little money, and a mental d/o diagnosis would affect my insurance premium. Financially, I am on my own.
Second, my productivity at work does not suffer (much). Even when my mind is hazy, I'm more than capable of doing everything I need to. It's just my personal life that suffers. Again, it really doesn't bother me much - but I hate seeing how I make others suffer. I feel like I should come with a warning label, so anyone I meet doesn't expect too much.
Third, I'm not too keen on the idea of being medicated. I am quite aware of the biological roots of the problem, but I feel as if I can manage it if I continue to learn about and anticipate it. (I realize that CBT cannot cure BP)

On the other hand, I feel hypocritical for rejecting treatment. A future doctor shouldn't be afraid of his own medicine, right? Besides, I sound like the manic/depressed people I've worked with in the past - too proud. If I ever felt out of control, I would no doubt seek treatment. The warning signs are engrained in my head now. I suppose this bothers me the most.</font>

Hi Seraph. I understand exactly how you feel. As a future doctor, you know that BP is a lifelong illness. It is not going to go away. I have come to acknowledge my own recent diagnosis. I have not accepted it, but I acknowledge it and I am medication compliant. I feel 50% better than I felt before I got on meds. But that 50% makes all the difference. It's hard going from day to day. I feel like I am on fire and the meds represent a blanket thrown on me to put out the fire and no one is bothering to dress my wounds which hurt like hell. I can't tell you what to do as I have little experience in this realm but at least talk to a psychiatrist you trust ... and learn to keep your private life private - at least until you are ready to tell your friends and family. Good luck to you. We all have our growing pains.