Is there anyone out there?

I've felt balanced again. I had a great Christmas and am actually looking forward to reeling in the New Year. I do have unrelenting anxiety. It's probably from some devious behavior that I have become paranoid about. I spent a couple of hours making sure some information was not uploaded to ICloud. I had to call my husband and tell him I reset his password because I was afraid something bad would happen if my cell phone or IPad was stolen. I have FEAR! I'm clearly listening to The Stones - Paint It Black in particular, which has my stomach churning. My kids are sleeping soundly one room over and I am otherwise by myself as my husband works. I have checked and rechecked the locks. I've not had contact with any man or woman; that is not the issue...and I've gained too much weight to be attractive to anyone other than my husband regardless. I fear terrible things. I'm not wearing shoes...I'm barefoot and my feet are black, black because I so desperately need to mop the floors. I still have one room in the house to clean tonight before I go to sleep. I am much more awake at this time of night than I have been in some time. "Like a newborn baby it just happens ever day." "It's not easy facing up when your whole world is black." "Paint it Black, yeah." What can help me? I ran out of Klonapin and, since I am out of refills, I cannot fill it until I get an actual script from my pdoc. It's like this one time, when I was babysitting a friend's little girl, I saw a truck similar to her husband's truck sitting at the stop sign in front of my house and decided that it was her husband spying on me, making sure I didn't let the kids watch tv all day (as they had actually been doing, of course). He was at work and I knew it. I called him and asked if it was his truck out front wondering "if he had to leave early for some reason thinking that one of his girls was sick." He, of course, said he was busy at work. I know he thought I was insane after that. Then again, I've heard him say he is manic depressive so maybe he just gets me. Anyway, it is that kind of fear. The fear that seeps WAY down in your gut. The fear that burns you inside. The fear that never relents. I am just sick. I can dance to this Paint It Black. I can dance and it will feel like I am dancing away my fear. But in fact, it is causing me to laugh...that kind of hysterical laugh...that kind of laugh that you just cannot help but express...the kind that screams from your mouth without your permission. But, it is fruitless as I am alone. Can someone please help before my life turns to tears...before my sadness returns? Can someone please tell me what to do? I feel like a child.

It's easier said than done, but turn off the music. You need to ground yourself. You are all yin and you need some yang. Change the tune. Put on some meditative or classical music that has a soothing effect on the brain and body. Imagine that your feet are like tree roots taking hold in the loving earth. Make a cup of hot tea and focus on the warmth and calmness of it. Let the nurturing parent part of your ego step in and give that raging child a hug and tell her everything is okay. Focus on your breathing. Screw the floors and the room that is messy, there is always tomorrow to handle that.

I really like this link to help with guided breathing when I'm really agitated:
https://31.media.tumblr.com/b1406ea4...v5xlo1_500.gif

Can you take your Clozaril now and let it help you sleep? It sounds like you are physically fighting the symptoms from your brain; maybe you need to just let your brain fight it out while you try to take a break from it for a little bit. If you find you can't settle you can always get back up and work some more.

Thank you both very much. I want to take your advice but it is trying. I keep telling myself that I will listen to this song just one more time. But I've said that over and over again. I did just take the Clozaril. In fact, I just now took my evening meds (1:30 AM). My husband (and constant reminder) is not here. Perhaps it will help? I'm not feeling particularly tired at the moment. I don't know why I am such an idiot and can't focus on things that I need to do. Instead, I practice self-destructive behavior.

You aren't an idiot. You're dealing with symptoms. It happens. I have bronchitis and asthma which means I have to do breathing treatments that make me jittery and use a steroid inhaler that makes me jittery. I forgot and had to use it too late and haven't used the inhaler yet (probably will skip though even though I shouldn't) so I'm awake and ready to move the world except that moving makes me cough. So I'm stuck in bed being jittery because I can't count to 4. Im also sitting her picking at my scalp until it bleeds. No reason for this, just a bad habit that increases when anxious.

Maybe you could download a reminder app to your phone so that you don't forget when your husband isn't home?

And can you substitute another song? You got me into Dar Williams months ago. How about one of her songs? Not bland but not agitating either.

Thank you! I have an alarm set for the times I should take my meds. The trouble is, if it goes off when I am busy with something, I will turn it off assuming I will remember in a few minutes but it doesn't work out for the most part.

As for Dar Williams, well that is a great idea and where I am headed. Perhaps she will calm and soothe and allow these meds to help me sleep.

I hope you find some peace. Praying for you now.

Cash,

Your words read like your mind is reeling. Sometimes for me, taking prn's make it worse instead of better. Would washing out your system with a few glasses of water help? Anything else I could say to you - you already know. You know this will pass, you know which part is delusion - even when its happening, you are doing great handling your difficult episodes, and have done great over and over as they have come and gone. You are an inspiration. Hang in there sweety - and other then water - what about something to force you to sleep? Night med? tomorrow and active children WILL come.

When I get really bad with anxiety and paranoia my husband tells me to just go to sleep. Sometimes that's the only thing you can try doing. I always wake up feeling better. Maybe try doing that next time? I hope you're feeling better.

Thank you for your kind words Imah. The meds knocked me out but only for a short while. I did wake feeling better though.

After sleeping, my thoughts and mood did seem to recover. I don't exactly feel refreshed (I only slept a few hours) but I don't have that anxious feeling either.

If it's any comfort the weather has me off today also ... best wishes hun ...

Thank you, dear friend! I hope the day looked up for you!

My mom said she will keep my kiddos over night on New Years Eve. I am excited on one hand and on the other hand I'm afraid I will die before then. Last year we went to a New Years Eve party and I had a horrifying experience. I was a little terrified. We aren't going to that party this year; we are going on a date instead. Still I worry. My husband is working very late again tonight. I feel afraid still. My anxiety was heightened all day. I slept whenever my sick 2 year old slept and spent the rest of the time worrying about stupid stuff. For instance, I worried that someone would come over while my house is a big mess. Thankfully, with my daughter's help, my house is back to normal (for the most part). I also worried about the terrible example I was to my children for sleeping the entire day away. I am afraid that something bad will happen to my children. I am thinking of only the worst and I am having difficulty talking myself out of it. What would I do if I lost one of my children? I would never be able to function again. Oh well. I just wish I could come down from this cliff and survive but I'm finding it exceedingly difficult.

When do you see your therapist? It sounds like your brain is doing that "what if" thing way too much. Sometimes talking about it helps me break that cycle.

Are you using your klonopin? I know it's hard when you are home alone but if you have a small enough amount it might help without knocking you out completely.

I'm glad you and your husband get some time out for New Year's. I'm sure it won't be a repeat of last year. I understand the fear but realistically there is no connection. I get that way about my birthday. It's just a few weeks after Christmas so it happens to fall in a stressful time and I've had a lot of tough things happen on my birthday in the past. My current therapist worked really hard to get me to even begin to not hate my birthday and now I'm ok enough with it that I actually requested a small family party this year although it will be delayed a few months because I'll be in the hospital for my actual birthday if all goes according to plan. I haven't had a celebration that was more than my mom and niece in so many years I can't remember. But I'm not dreading it (well, I'm dreading it in terms of all the days in the hospital are to be dreaded) and I think my little party will be fun once Im well enough to have it. But I've had to learn that just because I had some really bad birthdays they don't all have to be horrible for the rest of my life, even though that's easy to believe for some reason.

I hope you get a good night of sleep.

Thank you lady! I hope you have a happy birthday celebration when it does come time!

I've still not gotten much better but I have only taken the Klonapin once since I stopped last week.

My pdoc advised me to go ahead and increase the Clozaril to 150MG and try to do as close to a three day taper as possible. I took the new dose for the first time last night and I slept all day (my husband was home with the kiddos). I hope the sedation wears off soon!

My pdoc tells me the clozaril is less sedating than Seroquel. But I'm going to be increasing much more slowly than you, especially at first, and I know that each increase will bring sleepiness. I know my pdoc wants the taper to be slow until they are sure my body is ok with the med b/c I've had so many bad reactions but after the way I'm coming off Seroquel they may want to go up faster just to get me some rest and a break from what I'll be going through. But overall I guess it should settle into a sedating but not extremely so drug. (My target dose is also a bit lower, 200 mg since I'm going to keep my other meds except maybe lithium and let them boost it instead of going off those and letting Clozaril do all the work. She's hoping that will prevent problems. I know it's just a guess though since I always under-react or over-react so 200 will be plenty or not even close to enough).

Hope you feel better tomorrow.