[WindTherapy]

This is a tough one for me to post. I have recently been diagnosed with mixed state bipolar and it has been both a blessing and a curse for me. It provided an explanation for some of my behavior and moods over the years but it's scary as hell to hear it.

I have a very impulsive personality that turns in to compulsive behavior. Luckily, most of my compulsive behavior has been directed towards productive tasks like my career (which has done very well as I am in a sector that encourages manic like behavior)...occasionally though, my manic energy would go towards not so good behavior. Crazy projects that I spend way too much money on, or binge drinking (Never more than a single night...but boy would it be a night).

As my hypomanic episodes got worse over the years I did more stupid things, or skipped out on important ones, like paying bills. Every time I did something like this it hurt my wife deeply as she felt I had betrayed her trust...and rightfully so.

I'm now on Abilify and am feeling much better. I'm working with a therapist to help me identify when my judgement is impaired and whether things like building a giant marijuana grow box is a good idea...lol.

Sorry for the long one but my question is this...

How do your spouses cope? She is the love of my life, and the mother of my children. Me tackling my mental health head on is a huge step forward to fixing our relationship but she says she may not be able to get over all the hurt I've done. I really don't want to lose my family.

Side Note: I don't want to come across like I blame all my behavior on bipolar. I take full credit for all my nefarious deeds.

[Standup2me]

I am very lucky. BF's first wife was a BPI who would not take her meds, then would randomly swallow all of them at once. She had numerous sui attempts, and a few attempts at burning down the house.
He says compared to her, I am a treasure.

[LorrieTorrie]

To be honest we're not managing too well. I was diagnosed Borderline September 2014, and Bipolar this past October. It was like a double whammy. Like you said, it's nice to know why I am the way I am, but it still doesn't make up for the three houses I lost, and the $31,000 debt I've put us in, or the fact that I completely ruined our credit and chances of buying a house anytime soon. My husband is trying to understand, but he has admitted that all of this has made him look at me differently. I'm now medicated and I'm hoping counseling will help us deal with all of this better. We start next Monday. I feel like this is my last chance.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

I can totally relate to your post. I was only recently diagnosed with BP. I had always been diagnosed as depressed or anxious. I have OCD symptoms as well. Most of mine are intrusive thoughts, but I do have a few rituals as well. My problems started with binge drinking (one night only each time...but holy ****!). As you, I had a great career that lended itself to hypomania. I was in marketing for 20+ years. The **** started hitting the fan about 8 years ago. I would have these manic episodes (didn't know what they were at the time) and I would end up drunk off my *** and putting my family through the ringer. It's been a long road and I'm actually in the midst of dealing with the most recent bad manic episode that included drinking (last summer). My husband has been a godsend. Believe me, he has every right to have left me and taken our son over the years. Many a time he was going to call it quits. Last summer, he drew the line in the sand. I had to get help or he was gone. I finally got diagnosed with his and my son's help (they were able to describe what they see and experience with me during my episodes). I've always had the wrong diagnosis because it was just me going in and telling a pdoc what I thought was going on and these episodes only happened 3-4 times a year. I'm also seeing a counselor and working on my sobriety. I've been sober since last summer. As mentioned, I have major fallout from that situation, and the only way I'm getting through it is with the help of my husband and son. My husband has forgiven me because I chose to get help and put all my energy into getting better. As you, I take full responsibility for all the things I have done that nearly destroyed my family.

[WindTherapy]

It really helps to hear someone with an almost identical story to mine. Wow, thanks Hashi/bipolar mom. I get a ton of anxiety every time I even think about my marriage.

I partied pretty hard when my wife and I first got together but I have spent the past 7ish years building an amazing career in tech (and staying sober other than the previously mentioned one nighters). All with the goal of settling my family down on a farm somewhere. My entire focus has been on building something for my family. I have spent the majority of this time in a high stress environment. It pains me to no end to think that I may have gotten this diagnosis and started getting help too late. She seems to be one foot out the door. Hopefully I'll be able to get her in to couples counseling.

The other part that is really hurting me is that this is the most difficult thing I have ever experienced in my life and I can't share it with her. She has put up walls and told me that I need to work on my mental health on my own and find my own support system...part of the reason I signed up here.

My original diagnosis was GAD with obsessive compulsive tendencies...so they only gave me benzos. I honestly think the benzos made it worse.

[tipper1492]

Me, and what I think. For years while married, I was hell to live with for my wife. I finally got diagnosed at age 61, and for the first time placed on medications that worked then, and now. I was told to give up alcohol because it would, and does interfere with the medications I am on. At the same time I gave up smoking cold turkey. Before seeing a psychiatrist for years, I self medicated on alcohol, and some pot. That's not uncommon when you have not been diagnosed yet. I would suggest you give up all drinking. I also turned over all the bill paying, and all money management to my wife. Stopped me from spending it first, and any fights over the money. Takes work in many ways, but it will be worth it.

[ComfortablyNumb5]

My bp2 and BPD has caused drama in every relationship I've been in. Mostly because I was self medicating with alcohol and didn't take my MI seriously at all. In my current relationship, it started out with him following me in my ways and being my drinking buddy. We were always wild and drunk until reality hit. Ended up in IP and continued drinking while he got a job and then I realized how ill I was when I'd wake up at 7am shaking with withdrawal. I went to a hospital and did a rapid detox and haven't drank since. However, i still abuse prescription drugs which I'm trying hard to quit.

So he USED to be understanding. Or so I thought. Until about a couple months ago when we got in a huge fight and he said my MI was a big farce and all in my head! Now I look at HIM differently! When we argue I dream of leaving at times.

Is it that you feel your wife doesn't understand you? Because I get what that feels like! She says she looks at you differently now. Maybe you guys should try counseling together? Talk to her and educate her on your illness. Have her turn to google if needed. I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy!

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[WindTherapy]

Thanks RxQueen875. My dx actually improved our situation a bit as it validated her view that my judgement was off...but she still is really hurt about the drinking. I'm hoping couples therapy will help us.

I should mention I haven't drank in over a year...and before that it was every six months TOPS and only 1 night when I did drink.

I've been replying to most posts but my posts are getting held for moderator approval. I appreciate everyone's comments and advice and wish my responses were getting to you quicker!

[Victoria'smom]

We're not fairing well. We use to but my last episode damaged my marriage.

[hopeless2015]

Honestly I'm not sure...I need to quit drinking but husband has stated point blank he won't. So I'm not sure our marriage will survive me quitting and I'm not sure I will if I don't. Seems pretty clear what I need to do doesn't it

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[eskielover]

The situation I was in wasn't with BP but with Asperger's & I understand the hurt that finally adds up so bad over the 33 years I lived with it that when I finally left it was such a relief & I found out what even alone & away was happier than trapped & married.

Sometimes the hurts do build up so bad that nothing can fix the final feeling we are left with even when change & meds can fix the wrongs. I know personally my belief is that marriage is a life long commitment for better or worse but I know from personal experience that there comes a time when for our own mental wellness we need to end the relationship however sad that may be & however much it goes against that life long commitment.

[ButchDeni]

It's nice to hear that some of you are willing to seek treatment to save your relationships.

My girlfriend, who I treat like my spouse, was diagnosed with BPD last year. It has been difficult but I can confidently say that I love her so much. She quit seeing her doctor recently and I'm worried where this might lead since she's been very suicidal recently. We don't really fight about the usual stuff that couples fight over. We just get into arguments when it's about her self-harm tendencies and her suicidal attempts. When I don't consent of these things, she threatens to leave me. I really don't know what to do and I guess that's why I decided to join this community.

[Hashi/bipolar mom]

[quote=WindTherapy;4900837]It really helps to hear someone with an almost identical story to mine. Wow, thanks Hashi/bipolar mom. I get a ton of anxiety every time I even think about my marriage.

I partied pretty hard when my wife and I first got together but I have spent the past 7ish years building an amazing career in tech (and staying sober other than the previously mentioned one nighters). All with the goal of settling my family down on a farm somewhere. My entire focus has been on building something for my family. I have spent the majority of this time in a high stress environment. It pains me to no end to think that I may have gotten this diagnosis and started getting help too late. She seems to be one foot out the door. Hopefully I'll be able to get her in to couples counseling.

Oh, I so get it! You do need to have your own support network, but the marriage part takes both of you. I would start with yourself first and let her know you are actually making an effort (she sees you going to a pdoc and a therapist). I would continue taking your meds but also be willing to try new meds if the need arises. Benzos can definitely have a rebound affect and lower you inhibitions especially when manic. I have a very small prescription and my husband has the bottle and puts them in a weekly pill container and looks at it each night to make sure I haven't abused it. Ask her to give you 6-12 month to really work on yourself and if she is impressed that you are helping yourself, that she will agree to couples counseling. I wish you luck!

Originally Posted by WindTherapy

I'm working with a therapist to help me identify when my judgement is impaired and whether things like building a giant marijuana grow box is a good idea.

Building a giant marijuana grow box is always a good idea.