Facing trauma, how deep should I go alone?

I had a rough morning cried all day. Going through some stacks of papers trying to find a copy of my drivers license, which was lost or stolen at mardi gras last week.
What I found and tried to sort through were my 20 year old sons hospital records, therapy notes, bills never paid. Pictures he drew me, letters he wrote me from rehab and hospitals.
He was hospitalized about 10 times for bp episodes. Currently he lives homeless on the streets. He's an artist and musician. He's tried heroin, yes needles.
He comes over for about a night a week for a shower and a floor to sleep on.
I had to sell my house last June and move in with bf of 10 years. Bf never bonded with this my older son, they're opposites. My bf adores my youngest son and we live in a beautiful house in the woods, but there's not room for oldest son. I stay to try to keep a stable home for my youngest since everything went so wrong with my older 2. Older son told me last week - asked me about getting help for bp but he really doesn't want meds (he was forced on many in the past) & doesn't want to admit he has it. I talk openly with him about my meds and what has helped me.
Felt like I needed to explain some backstory.
Today sorting thru the papers it hurts so bad remembering all these hospitalizations with my older son. While crying that hard I was aware I'm facing old trauma - reading all the detail of Sui attempts etc.
I was wondering if I should continue, like am I processing it and it will end up healing? Should I wait and do it with a therapist? Is it trauma work - how safely deep should I go?
I got through a lot of the papers, started some writing but couldn't deal & had to put it all away.
I really wanted to take some extra sleepy meds and sleep the day away but bf is very judgy about me doing that or missing work. And I certainly can't talk to him about anything going on with older son. I'm hurting so bad and holding it all in. Spent some time searching housing to rent but it's near impossible in this area. I'm trapped want to run. I want to be strong and heal.
I've lost and failed at so much, but I'm a better mother now. I'm close with my kids. My 14 yr old is doing great. But I've got to save my older son's life. I'm rambling sorry, a lot on my mind.
Let me know if anything I should watch out for doing the trauma work on my own. I don't have a new t yet. What triggered my last mania was sons gf hurt herself 2 months in front of me in my kitchen. Pdoc knows what's going on and we know I need a t. She's happy I'm back here on PC.
The anger and anxiety and intrusive thoughts are so hard. Yes I'm grateful everyone's still alive but I'm constantly terrified something else bad is going to happen. My own anger is really scaring me because that's not who I am or want to be at all.

I've been through some intense PTSD treatment and would not recommend trying it without help. When I did the thing I did it seemed that each thing that came up had potential to lead to about 10 other things that I had to deal with as well. I really needed someone to help me stay focused and in the present and just safe while I shared with him the things that hurt.

Aw blue. Sorry you're struggling so much. I think you need a good cry. Can you do that? Tell bf you need some time alone? Trauma work, I tried cognitive processing therapy. It's supposed to help. I found it just made me feel worse and brought up more memories. You might be having a flood of memories. Can you try and put them away for awhile? I have to do that sometimes. You could also try some grounding exercises. Try and settle your mind.

I'm the wrong person to ask, I firmly believe that whatever my mind buried it buried for a reason and I have no business nor the inclination to go digging it up.


Unless! Its acutely affecting my present. Then I concede to dig.


Anyway, I just wanted you to know I hear you and I'm sorry for the pain you're going through.


I can't imagine what it must be like to walk in your shoes and feel so powerless to help my child.


Sending you lots of love and hugs

Being in a support group helped me.

I go through NAMI DBSA.

Blue,
You shouldn't do this alone. You need someone there to hold all the guilt you feel with this.

(((((((((Blue)))))))))
I don't have any real wisdom or sure answer on this, though I tend to think with a T would be best. At least to have access to one. Do you have any idea of the timeframe on getting a new one? Is this something you can "shelve" till then?

I'd be inclined to recommend that you not subject yourself to looking at any more paperwork etc. associated with this at the present time (unless you have already looked throigh everthing already, then nevermind on that). One, because you've already gotten a lot to deal with from reading what you did, and two, because it would put you almost default into answering this question before you've answered the question you pose (if that makes any sense).

Sending much

I am glad I did not co the deeper alone. I need a t guide for this. More keeps surfacing that is making me more angry. I started to journal and the pen leaked everywhere, maybe that's a sign. Maybe not.
The anger has toward all men who ever hurt me, or my children. I'm thinking so much hate hate hate. It's not who I am.
I was looking forward to the seroquel tonight but the pharmacy mixed up the order, it happens. I'll be ok til tomorrow.
I'm currently dwelling on some **** that happened at mardi gras. This was a chance for bf to finally meet my family out there. I got a little wild and excited. Dragged him into a classy strip bar happy hour prices no cover. I'd never been & I guess I was pushy insisting we go. It was very upscale, only one dancer at a time. They seemed to like me the best I thought it was fun. So a beautiful black lady comes to dance and bf starts going on & on about wow that is the nicest bootie in the world ever. I laughed & agreed she's gorgeous. But then he said remember when you had a nice butt like that. Wtf. What a dumb thing for him to say to me. She took her top off and he said well her boobs aren't that great though. I went irate. Her boobs were fine, kinda looked like mine a bit saggy maybe she's had children like me. He said the place was disgusting and we left. I gave it to him how men think it's ok to critique every part of a woman's body. The butt is too small or too big, same with hips and thighs and face and eyes. The boobs are too saggy or too small or the nipples are too dark or too light. I went off on him. Somewhere around that point I took off down bourbon street by myself, got lost, either lost my wallet or it was stolen. I got wasted. I lost my nice hat & scarf. I lost my 2 necklaces that were very sentimental. I wandered the street crying, sobbing, could not cross back to hotel cuz the parade. Found some nice looking religious people who wanted to pray for me. That just made things worse, they prayed for "the enemy" to let go his hold on me. It was a mess. My phone died, I finally got it charged and my adult daughter tracked me. Some very nice people escorted my sorry walk of shame back to the hotel.
Bf was not concerned I was missing, that hurts. I'm confused cuz I'm a feminist for equal rights in workplace & government etc. but I also want my man to watch over me & have my back. It is known bourbon street any time of year is not a good place for a woman alone. He really didn't care. He told me I'm crazy and he doesn't know what goes on in my head. It wS said in a cruel way, not a way like honey help me know what's going on in your beautiful crazy mind.
There's more. The next day I tried to talk and apologize for how id offended him by drinking too much. But he wouldn't tell me the parts I didn't remember. We walked around mellow, I tried to hold his hand a few times. I tried to behave how I thought he wanted me to. My adult daughter came out to meet us and we went for beignets at cafe du monde our favorite - heavenly. . But he was not too impressed. Blah blah fried foods. So them we did some shopping , my daughter asked me why does he wait outside when we go in stores? I pulled him in one that sold hot sauce thought it's be fun for him. It was, he bought himself some nice hot sauces. My daughter & I both felt a little uncared for that he didn't offer to buy us even some tiny things. I'd lost my money & wallet, and he had plenty of money. I can only guess I was being punished for the night before, I'd had $100 in my wallet from him chipping in on the big family dinner. Or is he really so clueless? He had an opportunity to do something sweet especially for my daughter, she would have loved some silly shiny trinkets to bring home to her only 2 friends. And to me it would have been a romantic gesture. It was our chance to bond and make happy fun memories together.
Well it got worse, daughter went back to hotel and I had more drinks with bf. I suggested the drag queen show could be fun, but that got him very homophobic & offended. He was rude to the nice gay guy at the door and I was embarrassed. He walked off annoyed & I was lost again. The crowds the tears. I did meet a lovely lady Katrina who took me with her friends and we had a lot of fun. She grabbed my phone and sent bf a text along with a pic of her kissing me. So I did make the most of it and laissez les bon temps roulez for sure.
His flight went home the next day, kids & I just got home night before last.
I'm venting. I should talk to him about all this bothering but so discouraged as it just usually only leads to fighting & every problem defaulting on me & my emotional issues. Well it's like he has no emotions and I can't stand it. I feel like there will be no resolution if I try to talk to him about any of it, and I'll just bottle up even more.
I was hoping this rant would ease my anger but it has not.

Idk I'm at a weird place. I'm actually at a place where I'm practising forgiveness. I used to hate hearing that. And I've been through a lot of therapy. I used to hate men so much with a passion after all that they had done to me. I still haven't forgiven my sons dad. But he keeps hurting him so that's a hard one. But that abuse you know I went through, I'm really trying to practice forgiveness. They didn't mean to hurt me. It's what they were taught. Getting off track...

I think relationship s are hard. I'm single, just don't feel comfortable dating yet until I'm completely stable and have lost this weight I've gained. I admire you for being able to stick it out for 10 yrs. He sounds like he can be a jerk sometimes though. I think getting into therapy to work on your men issues will really help you. I feel I can learn to trust men again. They're not all bad. But oh man it's taken a lot of therapy to get me here and learning to forgive too. I hope you can find a good therapist that can lead you to healing.

I'm into forgiveness. But I'm not into saying to him what you did is ok. Just tried to talk. He will only say he did nothing wrong. He said I should not have taken him in a strip bar if I didn't want him seeing naked women and commenting on their bodies. He understands a tiny bit that this was something we could've done to bring us together - like I'm so turned on iam take you home and make mad passion date love to you. And he has ED so I feel like it's my fault for not having some sexy body anymore.
Right now our talks got us nowhere, he says I'm crazy and would've found a problem with whatever he'd said and my fault bringing him there. Truth is I'm so naive I really thought it would bring some passion back to us.
I am going to be looking at places to live out of state where maybe I could afford to live while I still have a job until June. I want all 3 my kids with me, and to heal all of us.
In the papers yesterday, I found a cps order that cleared me but said I should not have bf around older son... I followed it somewhat but should've left him then and there. I hate this feeling I've had to rely on him for help. His crumbs of love.
My older 2 are resistant to leave Cali but I hope they will change their minds.

The anger has toward all men who ever hurt me, or my children. I'm thinking so much hate hate hate. It's not who I am. You should be mad though, men have berate you and your family a lot. I worry that you may think this is always how it has to be/is. At times I think BF's trying to anger you.

This part angers me I lost my 2 necklaces that were very sentimental. I wandered the street crying, sobbing, could not cross back to hotel cuz the parade. He as well as everyone you were with should have been looking for you not just your daughter. That's just a normal level of caring. BF should have almost been frantic worried because HIS actions put you in harms way.

I also want my man to watch over me & have my back. you'd expect it from a best friend and should expect nothing less from a BF.

I tried to behave how I thought he wanted me to. He doesn't have the same values and you can't be someone you're not and be happy, you've tried that.

he has ED so I feel like it's my fault for not having some sexy body anymore. Wouldn't you feel more like your not sexy if he did go home and have a romantic night with you after the strip club. Has he gotten his ED checked for the cause of it and meds?

I want all 3 my kids with me, and to heal all of us. That sounds like the best way to heal is to move and heal together.

Thanks MM

I'm still really angry. Disappointed the talks with him get nowhere. Woke up at 3 and came to work, couldn't stand being in bed next to him. I'm a little hypo, texted staff (only 2 of them left lol to come on in early cuz it's on - they were on board!)

Keep seeing over in my head him telling me last night, "YOU'RE CRAZY! YOU'RE ****ING CRAZY!" circling his hands around his ears like a child would make fun of someone.
Maybe I am crazy, but that's not all I am. My friends and family like me and think I'm fun and kind and a good listener. I have tons of compassion and an open mind. I'm romantic and nurturing, I love with my whole being. He doesn't see this. As my sister says, He doesn't SEE me.

Good news is, I think my kids will move with me where ever I go. i need to wait for June, for employment contract to be done & for youngest to finish 8th grade at the nice school he's at. He says he wants to go anywhere we will be happy together.
My older daughter just talked to me and will move out of state with me! She has been clean off drugs for a year and a half and she is a really wonderful person.
Just talked to my older son & he sounds clean & happy. I don't know if he will come move to where I'm going, but I have a good feeling. Where i'm moving i think i can actually afford to buy a decent house with room for my kids and our dogs & cats.

Mm, gave some good advice. Do what's in your heart to do. You are a good person. Very compassionate, loving, open minded, a good listener, kind, a good mom. You've been nothing but a good friend to me. It pisses me off him calling you crazy and using your mental illness against you! That is so hurtful.

Do what you think is best for you and your children.