Lost a friend I'd do anything to get back. Now I'm going to write about it.

About me:

Severe bipolar disorder inherited from my mom. Scored 29 mania/33 depression. Have been pissing people off and driving them away all my life, but didn't know why until recently.

The long Version:

I can't post links yet since I'm new, but if anyone wants to read what happened, you can copypaste the URL:

reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/46bymm/i_25m_lost_a_close_friend_29m_after_telling_him_i/

(It's very long, though. About 2k words.)

The short version:

I had a horrible mixed episode on Valentine's day, told a long-distance friend who I knew wasn't interested and didn't want to talk about it that I loved him, got angry when he reacted badly and continued ranting at him long after he told me to stop and leave him alone. (He also has major depression and severe anxiety, which probably makes it worse.)

The aftermath:

I explained that it was a severe episode, I was completely wrong, and I've started treatment, but he didn't answer, so I don't expect him to ever talk to me again.

I told him that if he wants to email or call, he can reach me that way, then quit AIM - which was the main way we talked - scrambled my password, deleted his number, and (using a program called Cold Turkey, that's impossible to uninstall) blocked every way I have of contacting him or seeing how he's doing on social media for a month.

My current situation:

I'm mostly not eating. I don't want to get out of bed most days. I work from home and I've been neglecting it.

I can't play games anymore, because that was one of the main things we bonded over. I can't even look at Undertale anymore, because he gifted me that game on steam, we were both huge fans of it, and it was the main topic of our conversations for months afterward.

I can't watch any of the shows we used to watch together. Which sucks, because I'd like to know how Gravity Falls ended, but I can't make myself watch it.

I'm struggling to start drawing again. Drawing was another one of the main things we bonded over, and he was the main beta reader and critic for my webcomic.

As you can tell, we were very close. We talked 12 hours a day, every day, sometimes.

After coming down from that episode, I realized that I don't really love him. Not romantically. But damned if I don't still care about him more than almost anyone else in my life and regret pushing him away.

I want to keep talking to him. When he fell into his depressive episode and all but stopped talking to me, I promised I'd never give up.

I've already owned up to everything I've done, apologized, and told him how to contact me, so I know that I've done all I can, but...

If I thought it would work, I'd still beg him not to give up on me, talk to me, to just please be here for me during one of my worst periods.

But I don't think that's a good idea, so instead, I'm going to diary what happens here.