[bizi]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I'm still itchy and sick. I need to get my azz to a doctor for allergy testing and a possible solution to my ongoing sickness and itching. I'm depressed but it's situational from being sick. I'm at the point where I feel like I can't go on, but not where I feel I'd be doing myself and everyone a favor by ending it. I stopped taking my pills again. I'm really confused about them. I have two conflicting messages going on about the pills and I can't make a decision. Part of me wants to tell my doc I want med free options only, the other part tells me that if I have another episode, it will be my own fault. I think I might just be eccentric and prone to nervous breakdowns and not have bipolar. Why can't they do a brain scan and be sure???

My friend got a bipolar diagnosis but has found out that she really is borderline...her meds are not helping her.
bizi

[xRavenx]

I was broken up with last night. Of course it had to be on the last day of my trip too. It was getting hard to sustain the relationship since the person has so much baggage, leading him to feel constantly depressed and "numb" as he put it. During the trip, there were times he was not very respectful of me, and it hurt. I was nothing but nice to him, so I really did not appreciate him having his moments like that. I truly gave it my all, but there's no saving people from their problems. Then, he confused me about how he "still wants me in his life," but "needs space." We did both cry, although the next day he got annoyed thinking I was making hints at a future relationship, when he was firm with me, but I tried to tell him I don't want a relationship with him either....especially since his problems keep getting worse and he's developed a substance abuse problem and is going through issues with his ex-wife in court. I still have feelings for him, but I'm not reaching out to him anymore. It's not that I won't miss him or that I'll never see him again....but I can't right now. I must heal. My heart is hurting, but I know I'll be okay eventually.

I do think it's possibly BPD or PTSD. I'm going to discuss this further at my next appt. last time I was in the hospital I told them I thought I might be misdiagnosed and actually have BPD. The doctor said no, you don't have BPD, you have Bipolar. Since he had only 1 conversation with me, I don't know how he could be so sure. It seems fishy. But last year I saw a therapist and mentioned it, and she agreed I had it and started treating me as if I did after a 10 minute conversation. That was equally fishy. Right now, I don't think I need meds. If I'm wrong, things could end badly. In the hospital, a patient told me to "trust myself". I guess that's the problem, I don't. I guess I just need to discuss this with my doctor and see what input or suggestions he has.

[letsgogh]

I look at where I was this time last year and feel like I've come a long way. Even if I'm still struggling and the road goes ever on and on

Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar.

feels strange and familiar like deja vu.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I do think it's possibly BPD or PTSD. I'm going to discuss this further at my next appt. last time I was in the hospital I told them I thought I might be misdiagnosed and actually have BPD. The doctor said no, you don't have BPD, you have Bipolar. Since he had only 1 conversation with me, I don't know how he could be so sure. It seems fishy. But last year I saw a therapist and mentioned it, and she agreed I had it and started treating me as if I did after a 10 minute conversation. That was equally fishy. Right now, I don't think I need meds. If I'm wrong, things could end badly. In the hospital, a patient told me to "trust myself". I guess that's the problem, I don't. I guess I just need to discuss this with my doctor and see what input or suggestions he has.

Would you find diagnostic neuropsych testing helpful ?
If so, is it available/accessible?

I wasn't familiar with diagnostic neuropsychology until just now. I read up on it and it might be helpful for me. Thank you I will mention it to my PDOC. I have never received any kind of "testing". While I admit I have many of the symptoms of bipolar, I believe there might be a different cause in my case. When I was manic and they threw almost every drug at me and it didn't bring me down for a month, that just shows me something. If it was mania caused from bipolar, the seroquel, Risperidone, Ativan combo should have worked quicker than a month right? After a month, I think I came out of it naturally, I don't think the meds would take that long if they worked for me. All of my delusions have to do with people following me or being out to get me. I think it's PTSD from severe childhood bullying. I read that people who are bullied, suffer with delusions at a disproportionate rate. Also, people who are socially isolated (which I have been) are more prone.

my husband thinks I'm making excuses so I don't have to take the meds. Part of me thinks he might be right. I think I just need more clarity and to talk it over with my doctor. I concede easily that something is wrong, it's not like I deny there is an issue and say "I'm fine". I just don't think I need meds for life right now. I need to learn coping skills, make changes to my life, diet exercise, increase my social life.

I'm curious what my PDOC will say. This will be the first time I discuss going med free with a doctor so I'm not sure what to expect. I just hope he can either explain why they are sure about bipolar, or take the time to tell me why they are sure it's not something else.

If this depression gets worse, I could be back on the "I need meds" wagon soon though. im willing to go back on meds if things go wrong. I'm not entirely positive I don't need them. But I want to try again without them.... I think I may NEED to try again without. Hopefully, if I'm wrong about things, nothing goes terribly wrong with my plan. I figure if I'm checking in with a doctor and therapist bi-weekly, we can catch something early if it all goes wrong.

Thanks for the suggestion and for listening to me ramble.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I wasn't familiar with diagnostic neuropsychology until just now. I read up on it and it might be helpful for me. Thank you I will mention it to my PDOC. I have never received any kind of "testing". While I admit I have many of the symptoms of bipolar, I believe there might be a different cause in my case. When I was manic and they threw almost every drug at me and it didn't bring me down for a month, that just shows me something. If it was mania caused from bipolar, the seroquel, Risperidone, Ativan combo should have worked quicker than a month right? After a month, I think I came out of it naturally, I don't think the meds would take that long if they worked for me. All of my delusions have to do with people following me or being out to get me. I think it's PTSD from severe childhood bullying. I read that people who are bullied, suffer with delusions at a disproportionate rate. Also, people who are socially isolated (which I have been) are more prone.

my husband thinks I'm making excuses so I don't have to take the meds. Part of me thinks he might be right. I think I just need more clarity and to talk it over with my doctor. I concede easily that something is wrong, it's not like I deny there is an issue and say "I'm fine". I just don't think I need meds for life right now. I need to learn coping skills, make changes to my life, diet exercise, increase my social life.

I'm curious what my PDOC will say. This will be the first time I discuss going med free with a doctor so I'm not sure what to expect. I just hope he can either explain why they are sure about bipolar, or take the time to tell me why they are sure it's not something else.

If this depression gets worse, I could be back on the "I need meds" wagon soon though. im willing to go back on meds if things go wrong. I'm not entirely positive I don't need them. But I want to try again without them.... I think I may NEED to try again without. Hopefully, if I'm wrong about things, nothing goes terribly wrong with my plan. I figure if I'm checking in with a doctor and therapist bi-weekly, we can catch something early if it all goes wrong.

Thanks for the suggestion and for listening to me ramble.

I wish you all the best in trying to go med free and that your Pdoc is understanding and able to help you on this journey.

[Wander]

Last night I didn't sleep at all. Just felt wired but I don't seem to have any other hypo/mania symptoms that I can think of so it would seem to be insomnia. Happened twice last week then I took meds to knock me out before it got out of hand. Really frustrating. I have to work tonight and tomorrow so I really need some sleep. I have Olanzapine that helps me sleep but it also makes me fat so I am reluctant to take it. Not sure why this is happening. I just hope it settles down soon.

Originally Posted by ElsaMars

I wasn't familiar with diagnostic neuropsychology until just now. I read up on it and it might be helpful for me. Thank you I will mention it to my PDOC. I have never received any kind of "testing". While I admit I have many of the symptoms of bipolar, I believe there might be a different cause in my case. When I was manic and they threw almost every drug at me and it didn't bring me down for a month, that just shows me something. If it was mania caused from bipolar, the seroquel, Risperidone, Ativan combo should have worked quicker than a month right? After a month, I think I came out of it naturally, I don't think the meds would take that long if they worked for me. All of my delusions have to do with people following me or being out to get me. I think it's PTSD from severe childhood bullying. I read that people who are bullied, suffer with delusions at a disproportionate rate. Also, people who are socially isolated (which I have been) are more prone.

my husband thinks I'm making excuses so I don't have to take the meds. Part of me thinks he might be right. I think I just need more clarity and to talk it over with my doctor. I concede easily that something is wrong, it's not like I deny there is an issue and say "I'm fine". I just don't think I need meds for life right now. I need to learn coping skills, make changes to my life, diet exercise, increase my social life.

I'm curious what my PDOC will say. This will be the first time I discuss going med free with a doctor so I'm not sure what to expect. I just hope he can either explain why they are sure about bipolar, or take the time to tell me why they are sure it's not something else.

If this depression gets worse, I could be back on the "I need meds" wagon soon though. im willing to go back on meds if things go wrong. I'm not entirely positive I don't need them. But I want to try again without them.... I think I may NEED to try again without. Hopefully, if I'm wrong about things, nothing goes terribly wrong with my plan. I figure if I'm checking in with a doctor and therapist bi-weekly, we can catch something early if it all goes wrong.

Thanks for the suggestion and for listening to me ramble.

Yeah you would think that would have brought you down. But you don't seem bpd to me. I would talk to your drs. See what they say. Must be a hard place to be in.

[Unrigged64072835]

Got out of IP on Thursday. So far it's been a period of adjusting back to self-starting projects instead of being told to go to groups. I had a couple of bad days but I feel much better today.

What is going to be a problem is that the meds I have aren't covered directly by my insurance, and I need to have my pdoc authorize them in a timely manner. I can afford one of them but not the one I need the most. My pdoc is good but she is also very busy, and I don't want to spend another day waiting for hours at the pharmacy while they are waiting for her to call. I'll have to explain this to her tomorrow, along with why I didn't tell her that I wasn't responding to the previous treatment (though I did).

[bizi]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

...I'll have to explain this to her tomorrow, along with why I didn't tell her that I wasn't responding to the previous treatment (though I did).

confused what it is that you are saying.....Have you told her already that you were not responding to treatment but you were responding? or that you already told her that you were not responding.
sorry for the confusion.
I hope this makes sense.
bizi

Oh man, I am really hypomanic and didn't realize it. I went to the library yesterday to return two books and pick up one. The library was closed.

This is where is gets bad. I'd only slept four hours on my Geodon which is unprecedented almost. I'm usually asleep for 12 hours. Sometimes more. But I thought I was okay, the depression had lifted, life was good. My anxiety was low. I didn't feel sky-high.

But my inner logic was gone. I decided to go to a local Italian restaurant- I was frustrated the library was closed and just thought I would go do something else since I was out. I don't get out much so it was kind of a big deal.

The plan was to eat but I only had $12. I don't keep my debit or credit cards with me because I have spent 60K in one year on manic shopping sprees. So yeah.

This is when I should have gone home because $12 for a sit down lunch isn't enough. Instead, I broke my rule. I decided to go have one glass of wine.

Turns out it was two-for-1. Cool! Or so I thought. Turns out that was not the case.

I decided to text my boyfriend to tell him I was drinking at the restaurant. I just wanted to be honest. I felt OK to drive. Fortunately he drove over and I am so glad.

I was SO smashed for some reason! Smashed in that he was wondering if someone put a roofie in my drink or I was having a bad reaction to my newest med, Lexapro.

Anyway, he safely got me home but we left my car there. I have no memory of this. I collapsed- not fell. Collapsed three times in his front yard alone. I put a huge scratch on my car from my belt sliding against it. From falling.

He had me get in bed but apparently I got up a few times. Every time I fell. He literally was worried I was going to die. He said I was being obstinate but I had no idea of the state I was in.

He cut and bruised his foot while he was showering - he saw me get out of bed and I was falling and he wanted to catch my fall. Everything at his house is tile and I have very low blood pressure. Every med I take has a dizziness warning on the bottle label.

I had been smoke free but smoked two cigarettes. Inside. Not like me.

He thinks I might have a concussion. I have bruises in a few places and got some sleep after dosing up with more Geodon and Klonopin.

I don't know how long I slept. Not a long time but better than four hours.

So, yeah. I drank and somehow got extremely wasted. I'm back on track with no alcohol and no smoking. I barely remember anything. I thanked him so much for caring for me. He kissed me and said that sometimes we all need some care in life. He's awesome.

I took Effexor a long time ago when I was self-medicating. It made one drink feel like five drinks.

I think Lexapro may be the same for me.

I'm ok but my mood changed to quickly to mild depression to hypomanic (manic)? I mean, I was bummed the library was closed and with no compunction went right to a bar? And I don't drink? Geez.

I kind of feel like this is a confessional and I did something wrong. I did learn a lesson. My boyfriend and I are fine but he was worried about me a lot.

I'm taking my meds as usual and I don't have anywhere I have to be until tomorrow. Fortunately my daughter is at her dad's right now so no issue there.

I think maybe I feel taken aback. I was diagnosed 10 years ago and this disease still shocks me. But I guess it was my fault. It's scary how fast things can get crazy. I'm glad nothing super bad happened.


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I meant to say I was NOT being obstinate but I was hyper and apparently was not staying put in bed.

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[pirilin]

Peachy peachy.

[Coconutzo]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Oh man, I am really hypomanic and didn't realize it. I went to the library yesterday to return two books and pick up one. The library was closed.

This is where is gets bad. I'd only slept four hours on my Geodon which is unprecedented almost. I'm usually asleep for 12 hours. Sometimes more. But I thought I was okay, the depression had lifted, life was good. My anxiety was low. I didn't feel sky-high.

But my inner logic was gone. I decided to go to a local Italian restaurant- I was frustrated the library was closed and just thought I would go do something else since I was out. I don't get out much so it was kind of a big deal.

The plan was to eat but I only had $12. I don't keep my debit or credit cards with me because I have spent 60K in one year on manic shopping sprees. So yeah.

This is when I should have gone home because $12 for a sit down lunch isn't enough. Instead, I broke my rule. I decided to go have one glass of wine.

Turns out it was two-for-1. Cool! Or so I thought. Turns out that was not the case.

I decided to text my boyfriend to tell him I was drinking at the restaurant. I just wanted to be honest. I felt OK to drive. Fortunately he drove over and I am so glad.

I was SO smashed for some reason! Smashed in that he was wondering if someone put a roofie in my drink or I was having a bad reaction to my newest med, Lexapro.

Anyway, he safely got me home but we left my car there. I have no memory of this. I collapsed- not fell. Collapsed three times in his front yard alone. I put a huge scratch on my car from my belt sliding against it. From falling.

He had me get in bed but apparently I got up a few times. Every time I fell. He literally was worried I was going to die. He said I was being obstinate but I had no idea of the state I was in.

He cut and bruised his foot while he was showering - he saw me get out of bed and I was falling and he wanted to catch my fall. Everything at his house is tile and I have very low blood pressure. Every med I take has a dizziness warning on the bottle label.

I had been smoke free but smoked two cigarettes. Inside. Not like me.

He thinks I might have a concussion. I have bruises in a few places and got some sleep after dosing up with more Geodon and Klonopin.

I don't know how long I slept. Not a long time but better than four hours.

So, yeah. I drank and somehow got extremely wasted. I'm back on track with no alcohol and no smoking. I barely remember anything. I thanked him so much for caring for me. He kissed me and said that sometimes we all need some care in life. He's awesome.

I took Effexor a long time ago when I was self-medicating. It made one drink feel like five drinks.

I think Lexapro may be the same for me.

I'm ok but my mood changed to quickly to mild depression to hypomanic (manic)? I mean, I was bummed the library was closed and with no compunction went right to a bar? And I don't drink? Geez.

I kind of feel like this is a confessional and I did something wrong. I did learn a lesson. My boyfriend and I are fine but he was worried about me a lot.

I'm taking my meds as usual and I don't have anywhere I have to be until tomorrow. Fortunately my daughter is at her dad's right now so no issue there.

I think maybe I feel taken aback. I was diagnosed 10 years ago and this disease still shocks me. But I guess it was my fault. It's scary how fast things can get crazy. I'm glad nothing super bad happened.


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My best gf passes out when she drinks on SSRIs in exactly the same manner as you describe here.

I hope you get to feeling better and calmer. I agree with you about the rate things get crazy. It always blows me away like I didn't know it was coming.
Hang in there. Sounds like your boyfriend is an awesome support for you

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[Coconutzo]

I feel like French fried garbage.
I'm low on sleep and high on anxiety. I spent my night awake praying about how to escape myself.
Hateful, emotional, dissonant from myself and the world at large.
Friday had me feeling like I could suddenly handle anything. Now I want to smash everything I own and drive my car into a tree.
I need to make sense of this

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[bizi]

Originally Posted by Coconutzo

I feel like French fried garbage.
I'm low on sleep and high on anxiety. I spent my night awake praying about how to escape myself.
Hateful, emotional, dissonant from myself and the world at large.
Friday had me feeling like I could suddenly handle anything. Now I want to smash everything I own and drive my car into a tree.
I need to make sense of this

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I am sorry this is so hard for you right now. Do you have a therapist that you could call and maybe see to talk thru some of this anger?
bizi

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by bizi

confused what it is that you are saying.....Have you told her already that you were not responding to treatment but you were responding? or that you already told her that you were not responding.
sorry for the confusion.
I hope this makes sense.
bizi

I told her I was not responding to treatment, even though she was trying to adjust my meds. I think she was adjusting the wrong med. Hope this helps.

Originally Posted by Coconutzo

My best gf passes out when she drinks on SSRIs in exactly the same manner as you describe here.

I hope you get to feeling better and calmer. I agree with you about the rate things get crazy. It always blows me away like I didn't know it was coming.
Hang in there. Sounds like your boyfriend is an awesome support for you

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Thanks so much for your reply.

I'm having a VERY calm day today. My behavior scared me and I am fighting feeling guilty for drinking. My insight yesterday was just GONE and I swooped into hypomania so fast. I'm trying not to think about it.

[Coffeee]

I feel OK, just down at the expanse of another day to beat stretching out in front of me. I slept fairly well as I usually do on these meds, just wish I could sleep more to kill time.

[Coconutzo]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Thanks so much for your reply.


I'm having a VERY calm day today. My behavior scared me and I am fighting feeling guilty for drinking. My insight yesterday was just GONE and I swooped into hypomania so fast. I'm trying not to think about it.

I'm glad you are feeling better.

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[Coconutzo]

Originally Posted by bizi

I am sorry this is so hard for you right now. Do you have a therapist that you could call and maybe see to talk thru some of this anger?
bizi

I should call him. I have too much guilt about reaching out. I'm gonna go throw weights around at the gym. See if I can release it.

I'm also seeing my pdoc later today. I'm not even sure how to have that conversation. I feel too defeated and confused and conflicted. It's hard to articulate my feelings and to unscramble my emotions.
I'm really swirling the drain
Thanks for the good suggestion and the kindness

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[hopeless2015]

Back at work after being out all last week, anxiety is high....always is after being out for a long period. I'll push through today and hope tomorrow is better. Not sure how much I'll actually accomplish but hey, I'm here

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[Anrea]

Depressed - pointless depression. Last week mania, so this is the flip side starting. I really want to eat my way through it. Notice I am looking for things to get annoyed at as a way to build energy to counteract the depression. Stormy today, so cannot get outside to feel better. Broke cannot shop. Broke too often to internet window shop - seeing things I cannot afford would sadden me more. Out of shape. Old. Grouchy. Didn't sleep well. --- Maybe that is part of the cause. Made good choice of telling husband what I needed to avoid starting irrational fight. Asked him if I was a good person. (a problem of mine, guilt for no reason). He will reassure me if I need it, leave me alone if I need it, spend time with me if I need it he said, so I just have to identify my issues. I might make myself get up and go shower, and try to make good choices. But for this minute, I am going to stay here in my pj's at 12:30 in the afternoon and do nothing but sulk and mope.

[OctobersBlackRose]

Missed the call from my DHS worker today cause I was sleeping, missed it by 4 minutes. Called and left a voicemail hopefully I miss her call tomorrow. Other than that, not a bad day today, hit outside though. Going to go to sleep, maybe listen to.some.music to calm me down, idk.