Trying to push through and get things done. Against a backdrop of hopelessness. Guess it's like trying to prove this "pessimism" wrong, despite all indicators pointing towards all the effort actually being pointless. That's what's inside my head. Trying to hide that.

On the neighbor front

Possible trigger:

We thought we might have figured out a timeline, but another neighbor's recollections didn't quite jibe. One's gone fugitive, that much is clear. The one who wrote the sui note, we still have no idea if she managed to reach out to safety or not. I've not seen anything in the news (this is a case it might be), but have seen nothing. Guess at least that leaves room for hope.

Reading this over, I realized I should mention that my personal state is unrelated to the trigger marked stuff -- just to be clear, because it could easily appear otherwise.

So. Damn. Irritable.

This depression is a nasty one. It's not your typical depression with sui thoughts. In fact, there is very little sadness; it's mostly apathy and rage.

It's more like "I'm pissed off at everything at once!"

I was so pissed off that I left work early and drove 100mph on the highway because I wanted to get home and get away from people! (Stupid thing to do... I know.)

[zijax]

I'm so tired of people who think they are bipolar when they are drinking and using drugs and wonder why they're unstable and their meds aren't working

[Unrigged64072835]

It was rainy today so I didn't get to do much. Was rather bored. Tried to focus on Web site stuff so it didn't get too bad.

I'm experiencing noticeable relief from my post-mania anxiety, which could be attributed to either 5 days on gabapentin or the placebo effect. I visited a longtime friend who runs her own solo business planning consultancy. After much gossip and conversation I finally unburdened myself to her as if to a T, confessing the deep pain and loss of control I felt about my worsening illness. She listened, empathized, offered constructive platitudes, then spontaneously raised both her fists in jubilant victory and shouted, "Thank God you're not my husband!"

I am up/ down all day. Winter is going to be here soon. I want to move.

[Crazy Hitch]

Seems okay ... still panicking over the fact that I'm *38* ughhhh .., midlife crisis

[dangerousanimals]

Sick or I don't know. Maybe I just feel horrible without sertaline. Bought Minecraft for my laptop yesterday and didn't play it. Stomach hurt after I ate anything. Laid on the floor listening to tv shows about murder until my partner got home. Went to bed and slept 13 hours. Didn't wake up for evening meds...wonder how I'll feel today, but I don't really care.
I was supposed to do outdoors stuff, but it's raining and once I take morning meds I'll probably be too tired again and even more angry. Tried to put away clean dishes, but I just want to break them all.
And my "until there's nothing left" repetitive intrusive thoughts of self-harm/sui are back. So glad they don't want me to take sertaline. Heaven forbid I be hypo. High five. Ten out of ten decision. (med management appointment on Monday...I'll try not to destroy anything much in the meantime)

[hopeless2015]

Had a couple of down days but feeling better now. Groceries are done and put away,, I should really vacuum

[p00dlez]

Last night I had either a very good or crazy idea. Anyway I could not stop thinking about it all last night. Its still there today too. I was going to post about it but I am not sure if its nuts or not. I really hope I am not going to go manic because ideas like this usually don't start to happen unless I am manic. If I go manic I am going to do my best not to come here as I don't want to go psychotic in a public way.

Edit

I am going to try my best to stop thinking about it. I don't know how to get it to stop though. Is this some sort of mental illness where something gets stuck in your head and you cant stop thinking about it?

[OctobersBlackRose]

Only got 2hrs of sleep between 7pm and 9pm last night, due to an anxiety attack that has lasted all day today. Ugh, I hate anxiety...

P00dlez, you said you were thinking about posting about it, but weren't sure if it's nuts or not. Do you think it would help (both in assessing and in maybe reining in the mind repetition) to make a thread about it seeking a reality check? Most all of us have had grand plans with greater or lesser grounding in reality. We might be able to help you sort it out.

Here, so far, meh. Already midafternoon, and still in bed. Got a fair bit done yesterday despite a late start and less than stellar energy/motivation/mood, so there's hope yet.

[fishin fool]

Hi guys, still feeling a bit blue.

[p00dlez]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

P00dlez, you said you were thinking about posting about it, but weren't sure if it's nuts or not. Do you think it would help (both in assessing and in maybe reining in the mind repetition) to make a thread about it seeking a reality check? Most all of us have had grand plans with greater or lesser grounding in reality. We might be able to help you sort it out.

Here, so far, meh. Already midafternoon, and still in bed. Got a fair bit done yesterday despite a late start and less than stellar energy/motivation/mood, so there's hope yet.

I might post it sometime if I cant make it go away. Its pretty out there and would be kind hard for me to post it. Fear of people rejecting it or thinking I am crazier than I already am ya know.

[Daonnachd]

I've not been feeling well and now want to induce hypomania. I'm thinking about taking extra Provigil or Wellbutrin, both of which are like uppers. I know it's not a wise thing to do, but I would so like the high.

[p00dlez]

Checked the mail and got a couple letters from my dr and from another clinic. I thought oh good there's my endocrinologist appointment. I opened and read it, HUH? I read it again to be sure I was reading it right. yep it did say colonoscopy, they want to schedule me for a colonoscopy. Why? I don't know.

When I was at my drs she did not mention anything about this and this is the first I have heard of it. I don't know what this is even about but I don't want a colonoscopy and if there's not a real good reason like something ending in my impending death, I am not doing this. Maybe she thinks I am a giant PITA and she's just returning the favor LOL?

I mean I just had a CT scan less than a month ago, cant they see everything they need to see already? If this is one of those things where you turn a certain age and they do this to you then NO THANKS! I already refused the mammogram and don't plan on ever getting that done. Smashing my boobs in a Panini press? No thanks.

I guess I am going to be calling there on Monday to see what this is all about. It really better be important or there is no way I am even going to consider doing this.

[xRavenx]

I've been very busy the past few days.....not much time to think or breathe. Some of it is busy in a good way, and in other ways, it's just been stressful. I cannot think about the future. It freaks me out.

The depression is still there, but I'm trying to manage. I cannot tell if the new medication/higher dose is working or not. I guess it hasn't been long enough to tell. When I'm alone in my thoughts, the depression tends to be the worse. However, when I'm around people too much, I can't stay out too long since I want to be by myself a lot nowadays, or I'm overwhelmed and get agitated easily. I hate how depression tends to follow, no matter where a person goes. I wish I can escape, but learned the wrong way that quick fixes do not help....so just trying to cope in a healthier way than I used to.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by p00dlez

I might post it sometime if I cant make it go away. Its pretty out there and would be kind hard for me to post it. Fear of people rejecting it or thinking I am crazier than I already am ya know.

Well all of the talk about starting a farm again kind of sounded hypo.....
sorry you are having a hard time. Post what ever you feel comfortable.
I don't think that anyone here is going to judge you.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Cocosurviving]

Today my Medicare started the only thing is I can't get meds til Monday bc the pharmacy that has my RX's on fill are closed on Saturdays. It's ok I do have some meds I just will not be able to take the full dosages in order to make it last until Monday. I've been paying out of pocket for meds at a local discount pharmacy. It's cool tho I can do this. I take a antipsychotic and have plenty of it. I'm low on two of my mood stabilizers.....not even a full two days worth. I do have plenty of lithium tho. Well I wanted to take my mind off things so I cooked breakfast then walked my puppy and took a nap. Later me and my younger daughter went to dine out then stop my Starbucks.

Wow, it's only 10:30 AM HST and I already know that I definitely chose the wrong day to quit benzodiazepines.

I fell off my diet and felt miserable this week. I just can't give up hope. So i got back on. Success is getting up one more time than you fall down.

[Unrigged64072835]

Slow day. Picked the chicken we cooked last night, took a walk and took a shower. Other than reading an eBook on CSS3 (boring!) and cruising PC, not much else is happening. I'm making spaghetti tonight instead of the planned Bruschetta Chicken. I just want tons of pasta for some reason.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by apfei

I fell off my diet and felt miserable this week. I just can't give up hope. So i got back on. Success is getting up one more time than you fall down.

fall down 7 times get up 8

[hopeless2015]

Been lazy today...feel good mentally. Having grilled chicken and roasted asparagus for supper....yum

[Moose72]

Was having negative thoughts again of what sent me to the psych ER. My meds are all messed up too. i have no refills.